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Long sotry, prob familar. Need some support

293K views 2K replies 62 participants last post by  Chuck71 
#1 ·
Heres my story....

I have been divorced once already now about to enter into my second. The women I am married to now is the first person I met after my previous divorce. Both have lasted only 2 years (im 36)

When I first met my second wife, things couldn't have been better. I thought I had met my soul mate, she was everything I have ever imagined. We lived together for 2 years prior to getting engaged. These two years were perfect.

We got engaged and things started to get a little strange. I had a feeling that she may have been cheating on me ( I am insecure in nature). I did find some emails back and forth to an old boyfriend that seems harmless enough so I never addressed it.

We got married a year later and that's when the problems started. Almost a 6 months into the marriage she started complaining that I needed to change how I acted. That I wasn't 'nice' When I asked for examples she couldn't give me any. We wouldn't argue about it much but I did hear it often. Now I had asked her if I had changed from when we first met and she said no.

Anyway, moving forward things got progressively worse. She used to be the most affectionate person who would latch onto me like a leach. After about a year of marriage this dissipated to barley touching me at all. I had to initiate all contact.

She used to want to cook all the time, that stopped. Cleaning stopped. We have a dog toghther, she stopped caring for him.

She travled for work a previously however the trips seemd to pick up at the beginning of this year. The text message went unanswered for hours, same as phone calls.

One night she had got home from a business trip and went to bed as she was exacusted from traveling. I wsnt tired and decided to watch some tv in the other room. Her phone went off with a text from a guy she works with asking "how was the rest of your night". Now the text itself seemd harmless enough but the fact the there was no history behind the message started putting up red flags.

I did some digging and noticed mutilple calls and text message while she was away to this guy (also while I was asleep). Instead of comfronting her about this I decided to start ptrying to see if she wanted out (first mistake). This was in Feburary. We started talking and she said I wasn't the person she thought and wanted out. I asked her to tell me when was needed, how can I fix this. I was in scramble mode to try and make this marriage work. She said she needed time to figure things out so I moved out.

I was out for a week and during this time I was watching to see if she would contact him, which she did. That night we were separated she was with him!!! I tried to convienence myself that maybe she was breaking it off or maybe he really was just a friend.

After the week she asked me to come home and she wanted to work on it. We started marriage consuling

During the consuling she had descrbied how I needed to change, that I didn't like to do the same things she did. She did feel financially secure because we lived a very fly by the moment life (5-6 trips per year, shopping sprees). Mind you these were the exact things she loived about me just a year ago.

So I started to change, I made drastic changes. So drastic to the point the our therapist wanted to write a book about it. I did everything I could to be the man she wanted be to be now. Even though it was against my will.

Things were good for a few months. We had moved out of our place for a few mnths to live near the beach for the summer and had a great few months,

The second we came back to our home things got worse. (We live in the city and she works a few blocks away, with him). My suspensions started up again that she had reconnected with him.

Before you new it we stopped going to therapy (she refused to go as she thought the therapist was on my side). Things went back to the way there were at the beginning of the year.

I comforted her about it two months ago and said I wasn't happy. She said she didn't want to work on it because we are too different and she didn't thinkg therapy would work. I explained that this was a marriage and we need to give it every chance, lets go to another theaprist. She said ok and would research it, that never happened.

Travleing started again, we went on some trips toghther ( I had a business trip she met me on and we had our anniversary so we went away for that). Things were ok, not great.

She had went on a trip for work about a month ago, when she came back all touching stopped. I mean all touching....

She would wait till I went to bed then she went to sleep

All the signs, I couldn't ignore it anymore

I comforted her again saying I wasn't happy but still wanted to work on it. She said now she wanted a divorce, it cant be worked on. I then did confront her about the text/phone calls and she just smirked.

I said ok, and told her to leave. She has moved out.

She is supposed to be sending me the paperwork however I haven't recieve it yet. I have not spoken with her since she left.

That brings us to the present. I am angry on so many levels, even typing this makes me angrier. I am also sad that I have another failed marriage.

I am waiting for her to send paperwork which seems dumb, should I just send her? We don't have kids or own property so its not going to be messy. I think I don't want to send it because I don't want it to be over although I know it needs to end.

I keep going back to the person I met and how I would give anything and do anything to be with that person. I also realize that person is never coming back.

Thank you for reading my long rant....Any feedback/advice is greatly appreciated.
 
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#9 ·
When you moved out and you saw that she was with the OM, then you should have filed right then and there and been done with it.

The problem is when she's telling you that you need to change this and change that, you should have told her to look in the mirror and start making some changes for herself. Like start acting like a wife. What changes did she make?

You let her roll over you and take your pride and dignity and did nothing to preserve any of it.

Get a lawyer and have her served and get her out of your life and move on. You'll be doing yourself a great big favor.
 
#10 ·
dude this is an endless cycle....it will continue to repeat

get a lawyer and GTFO...sooner...the better

leave skid marks in the rose bushes

she wanted you to change but couldn't tell you how

your W has some serious emotional issues from her past

waaaaay before you came along

when I was a kid, I could blow smoke up my pop's a$$

but.....only for a short while, then he called me on it

your W blew that smoke....now you see her without the mask

give this defiant female what she wants

and watch her reaction when it does not

unfold as she thought it would
 
#11 ·
These stories just keep coming.

Same plots, different actors.

Hang around unbe. You're going to get some great advice.

Spend some time reading other threads here, by men. You will be able to relate, I think.
 
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#12 ·
As ThreeStrikes said - Same story.

When I came here I was shocked at the common themes between these stories.

Your story is similar to mine, I'm not out of the woods yet, but it does get easier unbe. Listen to the advice here, it will do wonders for you.

Some good threads to look in to are:

Separated from Wife - Really want her back. - My thread, I've been given some golden advice, some of which (most) will apply to you.

Time to ReGroup and move on - ReGroup's thread.

Honorbound's Journal - Honorbound's thread.

Submitting to the Truth - One of Conrad's threads. Less of a story of separation, more good all-round insight.

Wanted to say thanks to all the folks posting here... - hitbyabrick's thread.

I could sit here and list brilliant threads all day - but start with these, keep updating yours, and soon enough you'll have all the knowledge and advice you need. All you need to bring to the table is the motivation to make it through this and come out of the other side a better man.
 
#13 ·
See my post "pushing myself to go through with it" my wife did the exact same thing to me. Shifting blame, moving targets, all the while she was lying and refused to get involved with MC. Meanwhile I have been in IC trying to fix myself for 9 months while she kept complete control.

Get. Out. Now.

Here is the thing. There is nothing wrong with what you did. Do not be ashamed with doing the stuff you did to try and save your marriage. But realize the things you did are for yourself, not for her. it isnt your responsibility to fix her, it never was. If she doesnt value the marriage because her head is in the clouds of fantasy land then that is 100% on her, not you!

Put the pedal to the metal on the divorce. Now.

Go through the steps - denial, anger, depression, acceptance, etc... and keep working on yourself. Dont backslide from all the work you did.

The person you loved and knew is gone. Period.

She is not your friend. If you just met her today and she told you she was a lying cheating psycho POS but wouls you like to date her, would you say yes? No. So act accordingly and treat her accordingly. Forget her and move on. You deserve better.

You will know you are codependent no more and really bettered yourself if your next relationship is truly with someone different. Otherwise you didnt truly fix yourself yet. Be self aware!

Posted via Topify on Android
 
#14 ·
See my post "pushing myself to go through with it" my wife did the exact same thing to me. Shifting blame, moving targets, all the while she was lying and refused to get involved with MC. Meanwhile I have been in IC trying to fix myself for 9 months while she kept complete control.

Get. Out. Now.

Here is the thing. There is nothing wrong with what you did. Do not be ashamed with doing the stuff you did to try and save your marriage. But realize the things you did are for yourself, not for her. it isnt your responsibility to fix her, it never was. If she doesnt value the marriage because her head is in the clouds of fantasy land then that is 100% on her, not you!

Put the pedal to the metal on the divorce. Now.

Go through the steps - denial, anger, depression, acceptance, etc... and keep working on yourself. Dont backslide from all the work you did.



The person you loved and knew is gone. Period.

She is not your friend. If you just met her today and she told you she was a lying cheating psycho POS but wouls you like to date her, would you say yes? No. So act accordingly and treat her accordingly. Forget her and move on. You deserve better.

You will know you are codependent no more and really bettered yourself if your next relationship is truly with someone different. Otherwise you didnt truly fix yourself yet. Be self aware!

Posted via Topify on Android

Thanks to all for the replies they are truly appreciated and helpful. Everything being said makes sense and is where I ultimately aim to be.

Update from today:

No contact still since Friday. I'm sure it easy for her as she has OM to fall back on. Honestly it's been easy for me as well. I haven't even had a urge to call or text.

Reconnected with an old friend who's been really helpful during this time. We care for each other but realize now isn't the right time to act.

Few things I have been thinking that have pushed me to be angrier:

Found out she saw a lawyer in September.

She then proceeded to go on 3 trips with me, spend thousands of dollars on new clothes and would have sat back and took Christmas gifts. Who does that???

Something that's irked me, that's all.
Posted via Mobile Device
 
#16 ·
thanks to all for the replies they are truly appreciated and helpful.

Todays update:

No contact still since last Friday. Im sure its easy for her as she has the OM to fall back on. Honestly its been easy for me as well. I haven't had even an urge to call or text.

reconnected with an old friend whos been really helpful during this time. there's something there between us but both realize now is not the time to explore that.


Few things I have been thinking that have pushed me to be angrier:

Found out she saw a lawyer in September.

She then proceeded to go on 3 trips with me, spend thousands of dollars on new clothes and would have sat back and took Christmas gifts. Who does that???

Something that's irked me, that's all.
 
#17 ·
reconnected with an old friend whos been really helpful during this time. there's something there between us but both realize now is not the time to explore that.
Be extremely careful of this - it's extremely likely that you are projecting the feelings for your STBX on to this "old friend" of yours.

Now is not the time to form any emotional ties with anyone of the opposite sex.

Read No More Mr. Nice Guy
Read about Codependency

Get right with yourself, understand yourself. Splitting from a spouse requires a long and arduous journey to better yourself. If you don't you'll be back here before you can say "Another divorce?". I don't know if anyone has pointed out, but at least 50% of the responsibility of the breakdown of your marriage lies with you - you need to find out why, and work to make sure it doesn't happen again.

Don't look for someone else to fill the blanks of your life - this is a recipe for disaster, and it's a major reason that I am here instead of looking forward to going home and banging my wife tonight.
 
#18 ·
Oh thats normal. Mine had me pay for a $600 spa weekend for her and her gf (supposedly) so she could relax and think things thru. Then at least $1000 worth of new clothes over 8 months, not to mention all the nice extra gifts I bought her.

she had no problem taking it all while lying.

Mine was super secretive with her cell phone and pulled it off our joint plan. When I tried putting my foot down and asking for answerd about this OM (she lied about who he was, etc...) and access to her phone records, suddenly I was emotionally abusive. Then she went for a month to an abuse victim counselor. I felt terrible, asked her if I should seek help for this problem of mine, then she said no. ??? If it is so bad shouldnt she have said yes?

Then aftet I filed for D initially she came back and said she couldnt do it to the kids. But then refused to do MC because the counselor was biased to me. Ok so lets go do MC with the counselor you were seeing. Nope! Wouldnt do that either.

There is so much more I could go into. My point is you NEED accept she is a lying POS right now. You love who she was, but that person has been body snatched by the devil.

Accept it, protect yourself, put up some serious boundaries, and 180 her NOW! File her memory under "never again."

Posted via Topify on Android
 
#19 ·
Oh thats normal. Mine had me pay for a $600 spa weekend for her and her gf (supposedly) so she could relax and think things thru. Then at least $1000 worth of new clothes over 8 months, not to mention all the nice extra gifts I bought her.
For me, my STBXW actually maxed out her credit card on a shopping spree of new clothes for both me and her. Of course I had no idea that she was planning on leaving.
 
#20 ·
Unbe, I can also relate to your story. I am at the end of my 2nd M and will be filing for D very soon. I tried to make my M work after finding out she cheated on me 2 years ago. I worked very hard for 2 years to make it work as she travels a lot for her work and would also get text msgs that made no since.

I will agree it is hard as to this day I would fix my marriage but all i get from her is "and this is why I just can't see if fixing". So know that you are not alone in this and many of us have very similair situation as yours.
 
#21 ·
Hey at least you got something out of her as she spent you dry. Mine just spent it only on herself.

Also nothing they say or do will make any sense from here on out. That much I promise you. They will ping pong all over the place. If they were a sane person you could apply some logic and figure it out. But at this point crazy is at the helm. They are borderline sociopaths letting emotions dictate every life changing event.

Posted via Topify on Android
 
#22 ·
First contact has been made by her

She had some logistical questions regarding bills and picking up some packages that were here.

Do I answer this email? If so how do I respond?

Do I simply right back asking where are the divorce papers?
Posted via Mobile Device
 
#23 ·
So she said she was going to file divorce? Has she? If she hasnt then you need to and have HER served. Do NOT tell her you are doing this or discuss in advance. You are a man and moving on with your life today.

What are the bill questions she has? And what is she asking for in the home? Did she take a bunch of stuff when she moved out?

The day after my wife moved out with all her clothes, furniture, etc... I sent her a certified letter informing her that my home is now private property since she no longer resides here.. She and anyone else is barred from coming on the property and from removing any of its contents.

Are you on joint checking? I guess I would not reply unless it is in YOUR interest to do so. If she has bill questions it isnt your job to help her figure it out anymore. She should have thought of that hefpre leaving.

AS far as the stuff she is asking for, if its her childhood stuff or something you can set it on the front porch or something. But I wouldnt let her in the home again. Period.

Unfortunately I am a newbie yet to all of this. Maybe Conrad or Regroup will get on here to comment. I may be giving bad advice... they are much more experienced. Sit tight and no contact until more people get on this post.

Posted via Topify on Android
 
#24 ·
Thanks cbnero

She took everything that was hers. She had some packages delivered which I gave to a mutual friend who was going to see her family this weekend.

I'll wait to here from some others. I'm leaning towards no response.
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#25 ·
Nero is right on the money on this. Unless the bills have to do with you directly (affect your credit, etc.), I wouldn't respond at all.

Everything else he said is right on the money too. I would no longer let her set foot in the house (I don't with mine either). File for D and have HER served... don't wait around on her to do it. Show her you are a man to be reckoned with.
 
#26 ·
1.) Separate your finances. Close all joint accounts. Cancel all joint credit cards.

2.) Change the locks on your home.

3.) Retain legal counsel. Start the D paperwork.

From what you've told us so far, this should be an easy D. No kids, and only 2 years means no alimony, most likely.

Get it done as quickly as possible to minimize any drama.
 
#27 ·
already done with the exception of the paperwork which will be coming in the new year.

what do you mean most likely no alimony. I live in NY, I thought there wasn't alimony in NY. She works full time...
 
#31 ·
the EA was defintatley there....

the cut of from contact to me makes me believe the PA was there as well but I cant confirm it. although in 99.9% sure it was.

not that it matters to be honest.....
 
#33 ·
My breaking point was her saying IDLY and moving out. I went to my attorney the next day. Spent as much time needed to get everything filled out and filed. The attorney couldnt reach her process server the following day so I picked up the paperwork and bought lunch for 2 girls that work upstairs in exchange for them going down the street and serving her at work. Got it done asap is my advice. I guess my stbx smiled and said "that was fast."

I havent spoke to her about anything in 2 months.
What would be the point?

Get your stuff done asap and show her and yourswlf you dont NEED her in your life, and that now you no longer WANT her in your life!

I have gone straight NC, done the 180 religously. Dont know what or who she is doing, and I dont care.
I have 9 months of IC under my belt, gone through anxiety, denial, anger, and acceptance. And now I have a date tonight with a nice girl I met on my own that manages a restaurant I happened to stop at two weeks ago during a snowstorm.

Become self aware and start living for yourself. I already look at this as a footnote in my life. I have no regrets. Yes we all make mistakes. But thats life, your actions are yours to own. Hers are hers. And she is a lying cheating POS. That is her legacy. Start writing yours today.

Posted via Topify on Android
 
#34 ·
Become self aware and start living for yourself. I already look at this as a footnote in my life. I have no regrets. Yes we all make mistakes. But thats life, your actions are yours to own. Hers are hers. And she is a lying cheating POS. That is her legacy. Start writing yours today.

Posted via Topify on Android
This is so good it's worth quoting just to see it twice.
 
#35 ·
3X said it best.....there are roughly around four patterns

been posting here for a year.....after a few posts

you can notice which pattern emerges

keep in your memory how she has made you feel

she will attempt to slither back in one form or another

you will get great advice here....no fluff, just bare boned
 
#38 ·
A friend told me to lay down in my bed on my back. Then to take my right hand lift it high in the air. Then to curl my fingers and make a fist. Then to bring that fist down into my groin as hard as possible.

Yep, those are testicles.

Good for more than making babies. Use them and send the bum packing. Take back control of this relationship, immediatley. The marriage is done, her choice.

Right now you are riding around on your tricycle trying trying to avoid confronting your own fears, but your wing ding is tied to the back of a semi truck!

I have been in your shoes. The faster you man up the better for YOU.

Posted via Topify on Android
 
#39 ·
people are allowed to do to you, what you allow

me...in this equation....I always wait a bit too long

but I make 110% sure it is over

then they are fair game....no emotion

this January I was so close to just letting everything go

I put my X in a position to show her hand

she did exactly as I anticipated...that was a clear GAME OVER
 
#41 ·
Then you are enabling her to keep control. I know it sucks but you need to get over her in order to make a rational decision about what to do with your life moving forward. Answering singals to her that you still care and miss her, and she doesnt desrve to be missed. She knows she still has a hold on you and to people in that mindset its like getting their drug fix. You want her to respect you, you need to start by identifying what true about yourself and solidifying your own identity. Right now you are letting her define who you are. It's not healthy and will keep you miserable.

We let people in our lives be authors in how we view ourselves. Take the books she has written about you and burn them from your mind. Do not give her the right to define ANYTHING about you and watch what happens.

Posted via Topify on Android
 
#42 ·
Had conflicting feedback about answering so I went with the short curt responses. Items did need to be addressed

I see your point about control though
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