How does one forgive?

Brewster 59 · 07-21-2010, 08:44 PM

My stbxw lied to me, betrayed me, lies about me, and stole from me. I am very depressed and angry and my family and friends say I have to forgive her. they say the forgiveness is not for her but for me as I am the one being eaten up inside, she probably doesnt even care. My question is how do you do that? Is it something you profess until you believe it or what?

lbell629 · 07-21-2010, 09:50 PM

Forgiveness doesn't mean that you forget what she did to you, what it means is that you no longer allow what she did to you to control your life. It means that despite what she did to you, you can wish her well in her new life and you can get on with yours. It is more for you than for her because as you said, she probably doesn't even care.

Bigsigh · 07-21-2010, 11:30 PM

I read somewhere something like this: not being able to forgive is like drinking poison hoping it will make the OTHER person sick....hope that makes sense.

AFEH · 07-22-2010, 04:14 AM

You’re going through a process of grieving, look it up and understand the process. It is not possible to forgive while you have anger and dislike for the stbx inside of you.

Once you have worked through your anger and dislike, it does happen, you will find that as each day passes you become more and more “indifferent” towards your stbx. Indifference is the goal but it can take work and time to reach it.

After a while you’ll find that you’ve become “more or less” indifferent towards your stbx. Once you’re at that stage you can then work on the forgiveness process. It is a process, look it up and understand it. You may need to go through the forgiveness process a few times. Why? Because you were not as indifferent towards your stbx as you thought you were, there’s still some anger and resentment there.

It took me about 7 or 8 months to get my anger and dislike down to around 10% of what it was at the time we split. I “feel” I’m ready to try the forgiveness process while at the same time I feel I’m not quite ready as yet. But I may give it a try just to see what comes out of it. Maybe a new view, a new me, I’m not sure as yet and it is a little bit frightening for me. But I’m a person who truly believes in forgiveness so I know at some time I will forgive. Not for my stbx, but for me and only me so I can let go and move on with my life.

Bob

Brewster 59 · 07-22-2010, 01:11 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by AFEH

You’re going through a process of grieving, look it up and understand the process. It is not possible to forgive while you have anger and dislike for the stbx inside of you.

Once you have worked through your anger and dislike, it does happen, you will find that as each day passes you become more and more “indifferent” towards your stbx. Indifference is the goal but it can take work and time to reach it.

After a while you’ll find that you’ve become “more or less” indifferent towards your stbx. Once you’re at that stage you can then work on the forgiveness process. It is a process, look it up and understand it. You may need to go through the forgiveness process a few times. Why? Because you were not as indifferent towards your stbx as you thought you were, there’s still some anger and resentment there.

It took me about 7 or 8 months to get my anger and dislike down to around 10% of what it was at the time we split. I “feel” I’m ready to try the forgiveness process while at the same time I feel I’m not quite ready as yet. But I may give it a try just to see what comes out of it. Maybe a new view, a new me, I’m not sure as yet and it is a little bit frightening for me. But I’m a person who truly believes in forgiveness so I know at some time I will forgive. Not for my stbx, but for me and only me so I can let go and move on with my life.

Bob

Thanks Bob, I am aware of the 7 stages, did not know about the process of forgiveness, I will look into that.

stbxhmaybe · 07-22-2010, 03:32 PM

I can speak out of personal experience, and this has nothing to do with my current situation because since the beginning I promised to myself that I wasn't going to harbor any ill feelings towards her. So far, I haven't or at least I stop myself when I start feeling them.

My personal experience was with an old ex girlfriend, she pretty much dumped me for another guy, got engaged to him after a couple of months and got married 1 year after. I really resented her for that, to the point that I hated her guts. I promised myself that I was never going to love a woman again, that i wasn't going to let anybody play me like that and I sadly succeeded for a while.

I spent 2 years without dating a person, I didn't trust women and all because one woman treated me like that. Who was at fault for my own loneliness? Me. After a while I started to understand that keeping ill feelings towards somebody doesn't help at all and in this moment whenever I remember about her, it puts a smile on my face because I remember all the good not the bad. She is even a mommy now, and I am glad that she had good luck with the guy she married, honest to god

Same goes to my stbx wife, I love her and all I want for her is to be happy and thrive in her life. The fact that our marriage didn't work doesn't mean she is a mean person, but that we were not compatible, as a matter of fact she is really nice and sincere woman. She will always have a piece of my heart for that. Think about the good, forgive the bad, I am pretty sure than your soon to b x did nice things for you as well and sometimes they are even more than the bad things but humans tend to remember the negative more than the positive.

The more we let go with love, the faster we are going to get our life back and our happiness, and who knows maybe the real one will be around the corner