stbxhmaybe

Hi there

It's been a while since I have opened a thread, today is a sad day and more a tiring day. Nearly four months since the separation, 1 months since I haven't had any contact whatsoever with my still wife, and I feel empty. I don't know but I've been pretty active on reading books, going to counseling, trying to have closure with my soon to be X and still there is a cloud over my head. I think I have understood what happened to our marriage, the mistakes we made, I have grown with the experience, I have truly changed. The divorce proceedings won't be a fight of wills or anything. I've tried to make the separation as smooth as possible, I gave her time to think, I gave her space, and when she decided to divorce me I even offered to pay for half of the attorney fees.

Still, I am not yet at peace. I am just TOO tired of thinking, of being strong, of working on myself, on continuing with my life. It is amazing that after all the depression, divorce process and trying to cope with it, I have just taken 1 day off work. I feel like going away for a while forget about everything, take a LONG trip for my own mental sanity.

I'm not like this all the time but today I need some words of courage, somebody to listen to my words.

Thank you all for reading this, I know this shall pass too but meanwhile I cannot stop myself from feeling this way even if sometimes I succeed.

Orion

stbxhmaybe,

I know that these words would probably hold more weight coming from someone who has actually gone through what you are going through. But, things will get better. Today is just a bad day. I do think that you need to take some mental health days for yourself when you can. You do not even have to do anything extraordinary. Just take some time to recharge. In the meantime, just hold on until this wave passes. Remember, pain is only temporary...no matter how long it lasts.

AFEH

Maybe it’s time for some “inner work” work on your spirit and soul. We do get to a time, phase, in our life when it’s needed. It is special work, work just for ourselves and nobody else.

If you are like me and very extroverted, doing this sort of inner work can be life changing. Blanca recommended two really good books. Seat of the Soul and Radical Forgiveness.

If they don’t float your boat so to speak, find something that does. I found Buddhism as a bit of my path to healing and changing.

This too shall pass is one of the teachings.

Bob

stbxhmaybe

Thank you both for your reply,

I truly feel that it's time to go away for a while, I plan to take a week off just to recharge my soul and body batteries. I already proved to myself that I was man enough to fight the storm during the first months and didn't run away, I believe I deserve some time off to cool off the spirit. Looking back 4 months ago, I still don't know how I was able to survive, well I know through my family and friends' support, going to counseling and reading all those self-help books.

I am still in the process of letting go, sometime I feel like she is part of the past and that's it but some other times I miss her terribly. It is the process I guess.

I read a book called Anger by Thich Nhat Hanh and I loved it. I will read those books, specially the one about forgiveness. I am having a hard time accepting the fact that the divorced hasn't been finalized and she is already dating. Anyway, she is in a way no longer my wife and I have to accept it and respect her decision. Still it is REALLY hard for me.

Thank you again for keeping me company in these moments of blues.

PreludeCkN

stbxmaybe,

You know my story, and you were one of the few that gave me words of encouragement to keep going. At the beginning of my separation I really thought I was going to die, I didn't know how to move on even though I knew that we really needed this break. However I wanted to fix things between us, sadly he wanted to end things as well. I asked him if he wanted a divorce and he said yes. That tore me apart. He never called me, well he basically treated me like a stranger. Flash forward to my 100 day, (yes on this very day) things seem to be going well. He calls me now, about once a week, we chat just like old time. Well you have read my updates.

Now honestly the only way I got better was turning to God. I have found that Prayer does work! Since then, I have had many signs that my marriage will be restore. Believe me, I wanted to give up many times because I want to move on. I wanted to file for divorce. He still hasn't, why? I dont know what's stopping him. Each time I want to give up, I get a sign about marriage restoration, about the power of prayer, in my dreams I see the two of us together, at church I hear the same message. God is just pointing me at the same direction. I can't explain this, but all I am trying to say is that, by turning to God I have been able to find true love, peace and comfort.

Now my husband see's the change in me and he tells me that he wants to turn to God because he see's how happy I am. He tells me he is not at peace, that he is not happy. And I tell him the same thing, turn to God, talk to him and he will restore you. At this time I am not worried about my marriage, but I pray that he has a personal relationship with God. Only HE can gives us the peace and tranquility we need. I am living proof.

If you have faith, God can bring your dead marriage alive. Look at me, he is doing wonders for me and my husband. My husband doesn't know but God is working on him. Where at first he didn't want to see me, now he calls me, he couldn't even be my friend or talk to me, and now we chat like we used to before, as if nothing has happen.

Pray to God, seek him with all your heart and you will feel the change. I will pray for you, that God may give you the peace you seek for, God bless you!

stbxhmaybe

Thank you prelude for your words,

I have prayed, a lot. I pray for her every night, and you know what everything I want for us is to be happy. I wanted our marriage to work, I wanted a reconciliation because of what I have gone through but God is wise and if he plans something different for both I guess that's the way it will be.

The divorce hasn't been finalized, it will in around 3 weeks I guess. There is a part in my heart that will always have hope, but more I need to trust God that whatever happens will be for the best. If it is not meant to be i will not. Like I said, I have not added wood to the fire during the separation, and if she feels is the best for her I have to accept it.

I feel better today, I am going far far away for a week with family and all I can say is sun, sand and beaches!

PreludeCkN

I am glad you are praying and turning to God, He is our only savior. I want to tell you to not look at the circumstance, and I tell you that even after the papers are signed that there is still Hope if you truly believe that God can restore your marriage. Walk in faith not by sight. This is something I am learning my self. At my weakest moments I want to give up, but God always talks to me and lets me know that he WILL restore my marriage, so I must persevere!

The following is a daily devotional I receive each day about having faith in marriage restoration. This was from Aug 02, 2010 just yesterday.

At exactly 10pm my husband called me to hang out, I didnt come home til 3:40am, we talked about many things. He still tells me that he just wants to be friends, and I tell you that I wont pay attention to circumstances, I will listen to God.

I hope this inspires you!


Unconventional Warfare -

"So Gideon took the men down to the water. There the LORD told
him, 'Separate those who lap the water with their tongues like
a dog from those who kneel down to drink.'" Judges 7:5

Our God is an unconventional God, and I think we can find freedom
is realizing that His ways are not our ways. If we read the full
story, we see that Gideon had 32,000 men initially, and the Lord
whittled that number down to 300...less than 1% of its original
size! Then God chose (like He so often does) the most unlikely
men, which defies our logic. He chose the 300 men who drank from
the water like dogs! Keep reading. God gave them victory over
the large Midianite army by having those men walk into the enemy
camp with trumpets and lit jars in their hands—not weapons.

Let's face it. Such a battle plan would probably not receive
high marks from our most respected military leaders. But
remember, God wants the glory. We have to let go of logic,
because our God is a God of power and the miraculous, and it was
His hand that won the battle for the obedient Gideon!

"Moses answered the people, 'Do not be afraid. Stand firm and
you will see the deliverance the LORD will bring you today. The
Egyptians you see today you will never see again. The LORD will
fight for you; you need only to be still.'" Exodus 14:13-14

Another story of how unconventional God's warfare is, the story
of how the LORD opened up a miraculous path of escape in the Red
Sea and delivered the Israelites from the pursuing Egyptians.
Recall also that it was God Himself who hardened Pharaoh's heart
so that the Egyptians would pursue the Israelites.

God will get the glory in the battle, and He will work in our
broken marriages so that He will get the glory. He has no
interest in broken families and marriages being repaired so we
can boast that we did it by our own efforts. Remember how pride
was dealt within the heart of King Nebuchadnezzar who once
said, "Is not this the great Babylon I have built as the royal
residence, by my mighty power and for the glory of my majesty?"
(Daniel 4:30) God made him to eat grass like the cattle.
(Daniel 4:33)

Sure, we might not reveal pride so directly as did
Nebuchadnezzar, but God knows our heart and whether we truly give
Him the praise and thanksgiving for His provision and deliverance.

"The high and lofty one who lives in eternity, the Holy One,
says this: 'I live in the high and holy place with those whose
spirits are contrite and humble. I restore the crushed spirit
of the humble and revive the courage of those with repentant
hearts." Isaiah 57:15 (NLT)

More stories of God's victories displayed in unconventional ways
are found in Joshua's battle at Jericho. (See Joshua 6) Another
one is when King Jehoshaphat defeated a vast army after seeking
the Lord in humility and then sending a praise and worship team
out in front of His actual army.

Sometimes God calls us to be still, sometimes He calls us to "do
something," but His ways rarely seems normal to our rational
minds or to those around us. I hope we can grow in our faith
from reading about how God delivers His children in the battle
when they seek Him in all things. How can we not also grow in
our faith about how God will deliver us from the enemy in the
spiritual warfare for our spouses? Remember, God instituted
marriage at the very beginning in Genesis, so His heart for
restoring marriages is God-sized. Join the LORD in fighting His
way for your marriage.

Of course, Jesus was Himself "unconventional," and He did not
come as anyone expected at the time. Yet, our victory has been
assured by His finished work on the cross. Yes, the devil seeks
to demolish our marriages, families, and our hope, but...

"The reason the Son of God appeared was to destroy the devil's
work." 1 John 3:8

Jesus accomplished everything He set out to do and declared "It
is finished!" on the cross. So, yes, we are engaged in war, but
unlike conventional warfare, we may be asked to do what seems
foolish to the world. But, the victory is already assured if we
follow His instructions. Take up the sword of the Spirit today
(i.e., the Word of God) and fight unconventional warfare by
speaking truth against the enemy, following God's directions and
not others' directions, and wait for the LORD's great deliverance!

"I am the LORD, the God of all mankind. Is anything too hard
for me?" Jeremiah 32:27

Standing for my marriage in North Carolina,
David
Rejoice Marriage Ministries, Inc.
Post Office Box 10548
Pompano Beach, FL 33061 USA
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