gfin

Hi I came across these forums whilst looking for advice and you seem like a good bunch so here goes.

We have been married for 15 years and the last 4 have been unhappy. We stopped working at the marriage and my wife and I both became workaholics. I knew we were not happy but felt so stuck in a rut. We have two great kids and I will be the first to admit I aint been the most supportive husband and father. Never cheated and I am 99.9% sure she never.

She came to me 8 weeks ago and said she wanted me to leave. After a lot of pleading and chatting I decided to move as she and the kids were staying with friends and wouldnt come back till I was out.

I rented my own flat and have been here about a month now and it has been much more difficult than I ever imagined. I ended up taking anti depressants and sleeping tablets to cope. My Doctor and myself have cut these down to just one of each at night so I am feeling better about that as I was taking more than I should have been. I am hoping to cut these down to half in the next week.

I have cried a lot and have fely sorry for myself a lot! I have tried calling her and whilst she will talk amicably she will not talk about us only practicalities. She said she wants to buy the house off me and split all of our assets. I have been seeing the kids twice a week and whilst this sounds selfish I have found it very sad when I have seen them.

I do have friends who are supporting me and my employer has been understanding but I do feel people will only want to hear me going on about it so much then they will get fed up.

I am unsure how to move forward. I have told myself I need to get back to do the stuff I enjoyed as my confidence has been shot down and try and be supportive to her and the kids but I am unsure if I should allow myself to think about reconciliation as I dont want to give myself false hope. She does not want to goto counselling.

I always thought I was a strong person but this has floored me big time and I feel my world has collapsed.

Has anybody got advice that would help please.

Thanks in advance.

Fin

greenpearl

I don't know what happened in your married years, but I do feel your wife has made up her mind. If she chooses to leave, of course she was unhappy. Please let her go and find her own happiness. Your letting her go will make her life much easier, and yours too, even though right now you feel miserable.

I left my ex husband. I was very unhappy. Two men one woman has my feeling in it. But I thank my ex. I thank him a lot. After he realized that I really wanted to leave, he let me go. He took all the assets, I didn't mind. I gave it to him so it could make him feel better. But he let me go. I was very grateful to him for his generosity. We are good friends now. I helped him quite a few times after we divorced. He lost his job twice, twice I gave him money and support. Of course he has my son. Giving everything to him was like giving everything to my son. Helping him was like helping my son.

Now he is a happy and content man again. He went to a church and sought help there. He became a christian. He learned to cope and forgive and move on. Now we see each other often. We have good conversation. He likes my husband. My husband likes my son. My son likes my husband. My son has three adults to shower him with love.

So for her happiness, let her go. For your happiness, stop thinking about her and move on.

Life is not easy, it has ups and downs. Never expect our road of life to be smooth. We all encounter turmoils, the way how we deal with it matters.

Through out my life, I had been dumped by men many times, cry a little bit, get up, go on. I don't have time and energy waste on useless things. I have to figure out what I am going to do in the future.

gfin

Thanks for the reply, I see what you are saying. She has asked that we start splitting all our assets and that I should allow her to buy our house from me. Should I just go along with what she wants? I guess I feel once this happens it will be the final possibility of reconciliation over?

How do people cope with thinking about the future? I must admit I feel very weak at the moment and am finding strength a hard thing to find. I keep on thinking that maybe I should look for another partner but I know that is me looking for my needs to be met. It's all very confusing.
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greenpearl

You can still get something. I left with just a suitcase. I was 29. I don't know how old you are. Let her buy that place from you, make sure she gives you a good price.

Please don't rush into another relationship right away. Right now you are hurt and you can't tell who is good or who is bad. It is tough for you. What you need now is somebody to talk to. But you need to talk to people who can understand you. Your friends or family members may not be the right people to talk to. And you are worried that you might make them sick of you.
There are a lot of friends here on this discussion forum, we all have different experience and we all have time. And we won't judge you. What happened has happened. We can't look back. Just make sure we be happy people in the future. But we had done wrong in the past please make sure that we don't do it again.
Men have plenty of opportunities. There are plenty of single people. She may not be the one for you.
Women like money, but they never like men who are workaholics.
Life is not only about work. Please don't seek pleasure from work. It will never make you a happy man. A man or a woman still needs a partner in their life. When you have one, please make sure that you are balanced. Still work, but give her enough attention. This is a little bit far for you right now, but when you start a new relationship, please make sure you know what she likes about you and what you like about her.

greenpearl

When you do become a better man, you ex will be envious of you and she'll regret for the decision she is making now. But you have to become a better man. If you don't, she'll just tell herself all the time that she made the best decision in her life for leaving you.

For my ex, I don't have feeling for getting revenge.
For men who dumped me, I thank them for doing that. If they hadn't done that, I don't know what kind of life I am able to have . If I see them now, I will only laugh at them. Ha ha ha.....................thank you for dumping me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

greenpearl

It is easy for me to say. If I were you, that is what I am going to do. Find a nice place, make sure that my place is neat. Make sure that I am neat. Hair nicely combed. Clothes nicely dressed. Face nicely shaved. Look handsome and confident. Women like confident men.
Do sit down and examine myself. What did I do? Who was I? Why did I put myself into a situation like this? What should I change? What should I do to make myself a more attractive man? What kind of woman am I going to look for? What should I do so I don't make the same mistake again?

Anyway, perfect myself.
What happened in the past is only a lesson for us to learn. What is more important for us is our present and future life.

Don't let people think we are losers forever!
Today we are losers, tomorrow we are successful people!!!

I had been a loser in my life quite a few times. People laughed at me. But I make sure I stand up and walk again, confidently!!!

gfin

Thanks Greenpearl what you say is making sense.

I have been going to the gym and trying to put on some weight as I lost a lot and was too thin. I am also trying to meet up with lots of friends whom I lost contact with. I know I need to build my life backup.

I do get lots of moments when I feel a panic rising and I struggle to cope with it. I worry about my future now. How do people cope with this? Any tips on how not to worry?

How busy should I keep myself? Should I aim to be busy all the time?

greenpearl

We tend to worry about our future, because we don't know what our future is.
Tell you my secret. Whenever I see old people, especially the sick ones, I am worried. I don't want to be old and sick. Does it scare you?

But if we spend too much time worrying about our future, it is only going to make our present life worse. And it will make our future life bad. Worrying is not good for health.

Good health is the most important thing in our life.

One day, I encounter this sentence. It said, We let small things bother us. What kind of problems are really serious? You get into an accident! Suddenly you doctor told you that you have only half a year to live! You boss told you that you are fired! Then your life is really shattered. You don't ever have time and energy to worry about all those small problems. They disappear right away.

It hit me. It makes 100% perfect sense. Why do I let small things bother me. For me, worrying about getting old. Being bothered by other people silly comments, somebody gave me a dirty look........

From that day, I told myself I am going to live for today!!!
If today my husband and I are healthy, no pain, no sore, great! If today my husband and I are safe, no cuts, no broken bones, great! If today our jobs are fine, great! Other things, they just happen. They happen, they disappear, if I let them bother me, I lose. If I don't let them bother me, I win.

That's the kind of attitude I have about life now!

greenpearl

How busy should I keep myself? Should I aim to be busy all the time?

For a long time, I tend to sit there and just let my past eat me. Believe me, I was hurt a lot in my past. I was hurt, I couldn't breathe, I couldn't sleep. The only time I forgot about the pain was when I was working. I couldn't just sit there and let myself wander in my past.

I started reading, a lot of reading.
Now going to discussion forums talking to people has become another way I keep myself busy.

Once, read a sentence: if we spend more time on others, then we have less time feeling sorry for ourselves. And that is what I am doing now. Believe me, my life is not all flowers, I have my sorrow too.

Hope you walk out of your pain as soon as possible. What you are going through now is understandable.

Just remember, far away on this earth there is a girl who cares about you and wants you to be happy!!!

gfin

Hey thanks green pearl it is nice to read your reply.

I think you are right in that I need to learn to live in the moment and not worry about tomorrow.
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greenpearl

I have issues too. We are helping each other. I feel very happy if I am able to help whoever I know. I have to learn!!!
My Internet friends used to comfort me with songs when they know I feel low. What they did really made me feel warm!!! Do you like music?

gfin

Hey yes I do like music and have been listening to more music than ever. The only thing is that it can remind you of many things good and bad I guess.

greenpearl

I listen to music when I feel low. I used to hum sad songs. It made me cry a little bit, but I still kept on doing. We have emotions. Sometimes I do feel a good cry helps me a lot. I cry, cry out the hurt, cry out the poison, then I feel better. You are a man, we are different. But I do feel it is OK to admit that we are weak. Just make sure nobody else sees it.

I like Mettalica's Nothing else matters and The Unforgiven

YouTube - Metallica - Nothing Else Matters [Original Video]

Guns N' Roses many songs

YouTube - Guns N' Roses - November Rain

Don't know if you like them or not.

I also listen to soft piano music when I need to calm myself down!

greenpearl

Please don't keep any of her things around. That will only make you keep on thinking of her, and you can't move on.

My opinion, you don't have to listen. For me, I feel that's the only way I am being protected!
Life makes us to be emotionless sometimes, but we have to protect ourselves.

ThinkTooMuch

Gfin,

Were you monitoring me in April '84? That's when I moved to an apartment following far too many unhappy years, leaving my two wonderful kids and an angry, controlling BPD wife. I hurt so badly I could barely work, felt a total failure - we met in '68, married in '70, my son was born at the end of '71, 2nd in '74.

For the first few months I'd come home to an empty apt 4 or 5 nights a week, the other days I'd pick up my children, feed them, help them do homework, and bring them back to my old house. Pulling out of the driveway when they went behind the front door had me crying during the 4 mile drive.

The quality of my life improved on a Tuesday in August when I went to a singles group looking for the first date of my adult life and was picked up by an attractive, 32 yo woman before we entered the building. I was 34 and knew I'd get lucky in a few days. She was in love with me by 2 AM that night when we said goodnight after a single drink apiece and a lot of talk.

Our first date started Friday, I took her home after dinner and she demonstrated that I hadn't completely missed the sexual revolution, 26 years later she's still here.

She became a wonderful step mom, a very loving wife, we married 5 years after meeting.

You will feel better in time, now here are some strongly felt recommendations based on too much time thinking and living. I'm 61 in case you're wondering.

First, as my very wise counsellor Jack told me in '84, you made the best decisions you were capable of all along the way.
Remember this the next time you berate yourself.

You are having situational depression, I think you'd be much better off with talk therapy than meds. That said stop the anti-depressant as soon as possible - but first read all you can about the particular medicine, some are very hard to stop, among the worst Paxil and Effexor, these and others will cause loss of libido, weight gain, and possibly torpor. You're entitled to cry, to lament, to mourn and to love and be loved again.

Sleep - No caffeine after noon, no alcohol after 8, exercise before 8 PM, have a consistent sleep schedule.
Beds are for sleeping and making love, not watching TV, not reading, not listening to music, baseball, basketball or football. You want bed to be associated with sleep and happy moments.

Stop the sleeping pills, stay up until you can barely stay awake and go to bed. If you don't fall asleep within 5 minutes leave your bedroom and watch TV, read, listen to music, cry until you are even more tired.

Date but don't get serious about anyone for a while. If you start liking someone a lot, try to not introduce her to your children for as long as possible. The kids' happiness at seeing you loved is very potent and might cause you to make a decision sooner than you want, the joy and pleasure of being loved the same.

In retrospect I probably jumped too soon, but I made a pretty good decision knowing what I knew then. If you start getting serious, find out just how crazy her parents are - if they are off the wall, say goodbye and try again. She will grow up to be a lot like one of them, the sweet young thing can easily become a not so sweet mature, crazy adult. The small behaviors you think will get better, get worse - just ask my wife ;-)

Good luck, I know you hurt, I know you will hurt, I also know you will continue to love and be loved and be loved by your children, and you will find someone to share your life and your bed. Be brave, but cry often.

Mark