Billy J

Hello i am a 36 year old white male my wife is a 34 year old white female we have been married 12 years and have one 11 year old son and a 14 year old step son. Approximately 3 years into our marriage i had an affair which she forgave me for and we moved forward. I developed an internet chat room addiction which lasted for years and we constantly argued about which i stopped years ago. Throughout our marriage we had usual ups and downs due to my lack of feeling emotionally supported by her and constant disagreements. Approximately four years ago i had another affair emotional and physical with a married woman. My wife found out and we separated for three months before reconciling. Recently she says i am two jealous controlling and analyze everything she does. We are currently separated again and she will not talk to me now cause she says she has wanted out for a long time and has been unhappy for a while. She further says i will never understand how she feels cause it didn't happen to me. I wanna save my marriage im in counselling and on different medication but she says she is done and nothing i can do will make her happy. Dopes anyone have any advice or should i just give up and let her go.

muscle

muscle

very tough spot, seems to me she is in th lack of trust mode, i would have to say it is time to move on.

Orion

Billy J,

If your wife says that, I hate to break it to you but you need to believe her. Once a woman says that she is done and TRULY means it, there isn't anything to be done about that. All you can do is work on being the man that you need to be. If she allows you to be that man for her then that's great. If you can be that man for someone else, then so be it. But you have to first be that man for yourself. Good luck.

swedish

In your opinion, what is the reason she feels this way?

__________________
~Swedish

No problem can be solved from the same level of consciousness that created it.
Albert Einstein

healingme

Muscle and Orion have it. It looks like there has been plenty opportunity to learn and grow through this relationship and it hasn't happened. Now she has told you she is 'done' (exactly the word I used with my stbxh) now you choose to listen.

It seems all a bit too-little-too-late, but it isn't too late for you to work on the things that have caused your marriage to falter. Whether she chooses to work on it with you or not, there is still some healing for you to do and definitely some fixing as well. I know a lot of people would just give up, go back to what they're comfortable with, but that is just a lazy option and you can't expect to grow that way.

What I'm saying is, regardless of whether this is definitely the end of your marriage, you have to work on yourself and help yourself through your own issues and through this time as well.

Billy J

well she says she hasn't been happy for a long time and has wanted out for a long time. Says we fight all the time and that she never loved me the way a wife should love a husband. She also said i am controlling and jealous. I know she loved me at one point hell two weeks before we separated she text me and said hurry home she wanted to see me. She went to see an attorney two weeks ago and told me we can do this civilally or fight it out in court for years. i never responded if she wants a divorce she can file im not because i dont want one. She is hanging around with girls 12 years younger than she is. she text me the other day and ask why i was dragging this out and making it harder> im not dragging anything out if she wants a divorce she can file. i dunno what to expect ive recently initiated no contact and haven't talked to her in a week nor have i heard anything else about divorce.

Billy J

also says she has never loved me like i wife should love a husband and its not fair to her or me and that i should want someone that loves me.

Billy J

of one more thing she says i am attractive but she isnt attracted to me.

Billy J

oh and she says there is no one else and she is sick of me asking.

Billy J

oh and that there is no one else and that i always though there was and she is sick of me asking

Shelly29

Im in your same shoes.... does all the same apply when the husband tells you he has been unhappy (BUT we NEVER fight.... we have gotten along well for 6 yrs) and he wants out and there is nothing I can do or say that will change his mind.... how do you come to terms with that drastic change?

guitarist30

this is without knowing your wife or you, but if you have cheated on her twice... you have been lucky she stayed that long... once and my wife would have left me... (though she already has for other reasons). It sort of stands to reason because usually a person who cheats is a jealous person because of their own insecurities. I can't say just pack it in and get help because there are kids involved, but you have hurt this woman DEEPLY both emotionally and mentally, so it it easy to see why she feels the way she does... but like I said, i'm just calling it like I see it and don't know the faults that she has, or what may have driven you to go and be with another woman.