My journal-Making it about me now - Page 14 - Talk About Marriage
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post #196 of 207 (permalink) Old 06-06-2016, 10:14 PM Thread Starter
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Re: My journal-Making it about me now

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Both of you guys are beautiful souls. And Farside is dead on.

In my inarticulate post above, all I was trying to say is that I had to give up the sadness and the anger for anyone to be interested in me again.

Fortunately I had a strong male friend who kicked my butt for two years. It took that long for his message to finally sink in. That and.... time. It always comes back to time doesn't it?
@Adsurdist, you are a gem. And inarticulate is not a word that I would ever use to describe you. I just wanted to understand more about what you were both saying. I keep stumbling over this same issue every few months, and while I could head back to therapy (and still may), I wanted to turn to my wise and trusted friends here first. Y'all are some smart folks with more perspective than 6 therapy sessions can provide me.

I think I understand now. While I am in a really amazing place, that anger popping up may be enough to prevent the one last thing I would like to have in my new life. I need to work on that.

Thank you.

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post #197 of 207 (permalink) Old 09-09-2016, 01:43 PM Thread Starter
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Re: My journal-Making it about me now

I posted over in the singles thread today, and realized that I haven't been in my own thread in quite some time. So... here is a slightly rambling update on me.

I have been crazy busy with work these past weeks, and will continue to be for a few more. Probably not the best time to even be talking to men, let alone trying to date. I had a couple of nice dates recently with one guy, but I have had many disappointing experiences with dating. I fear my current jaded approach (coupled with my workload right now) probably made me seem disinterested.

I am planning a couple of trips, so that's giving me something to look forward to, despite my stressful workload right now. I am most looking forward to visiting my son at college and spending time with him. He will be home in a few weeks for his sister's wedding, and we are planning to drive back to his town together, then I will stay for a few days. That whole thing is bittersweet for me. I am looking forward to being with him, and the ride will be fun. But I am not invited to my stepdaughter's wedding... which is something I never would have envisioned. It makes my heart hurt to be so easily removed from her life with no explanation. I know it is confusing for my son as well, and we don't really talk about it. I don't want him to feel like he is in the middle; it is not his battle. It's not a battle at all. I am simply not a necessary part of her life any longer.

I am running my third half marathon this weekend, so I am excited about that. I am much better trained than I was this time last year! I am still a very slow runner, but I am excited to see how I feel when I finish. I've a had a few bumps in my training these past few weeks, but I think I am as ready as I can be.

I feel like when work slows down I need to set some life, career, mental health and fitness goals and just stop with the dating. I am tired of jerks and disappointments, and really hate that I am starting to doubt myself and wonder if it is me. I am a very strong and confident woman, and hate that I would even entertain that thought. I feel like if I shift my focus I can work through that and just continue to make myself more of the woman I want to be. I still hold out faith that the man of my dreams will simply show up at some point, but maybe I don't have to be actively searching for him right now. I think my time is much better served actively searching for me and fulfilling all of my other needs.
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post #198 of 207 (permalink) Old 09-10-2016, 12:08 AM
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Re: My journal-Making it about me now

I'm sorry Too Nice. You're on an emotional marathon as well. But.... 26.2 does come to an end... after a lot of pain.
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post #199 of 207 (permalink) Old 09-25-2016, 03:55 PM Thread Starter
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Re: My journal-Making it about me now

Although it was two weeks ago now, my race went as well as it could. I had a cold, and an injury. Given that, I was only 12 minutes over what I hoped to do. And even running through pain, I still felt much better than last year. Strong, even. I have already signed up for two more half marathons - in January and April. As a person who once hated any physical activity, I have learned to love running and training. The routine, the emotional release, and simply feeling like I have a healthy body are all things that have been therapeutic for me. Not to mention the friends I have made.

I am waiting now to find out whether I need to find a new place to live. We couldn't agree on a price when my landlord offered me the opportunity to purchase the property I live in, so he listed it on the market. An offer is pending, and the home was inspected last week. It is a little unnerving to have no idea what the buyer's intentions are, but I am trying to not spend too much energy on it. I can't control whether they let me stay or tell me to move. So... I wait.

Work is still overwhelming, but I am hopeful that things will soon slow.

One step at a time, as always.
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post #200 of 207 (permalink) Old 09-26-2016, 12:11 AM
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Re: My journal-Making it about me now

Be patient (I know, easy for me to say, right?).

You will end up where you are supposed to be.

Until a resolution presents itself, continue to pursue your passions.

"Our ability to feel joy is directly related to how much pain we are willing to feel." - Mavash.

"The truth is, everyone is going to hurt you. You just got to find the ones worth suffering for." - Bob Marley
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post #201 of 207 (permalink) Old 10-09-2016, 07:50 PM Thread Starter
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Re: My journal-Making it about me now

Oh boy... these past days have been a roller coaster. My son came into town late in the week... to attend his sister's wedding. Which I was not invited to. After the ceremony, he and I hopped in the car and drove back to his town so I could visit for the weekend. It's been a great visit. I love spending time with him, and really love meeting his friends. But I can't help but have it weigh on me. His friends were asking him how the wedding was, mentioning pictures he had shared, and even asking me how it was. I also learned that the OW was there. I can't cope with the emotions that brings up in me.

I know I need to just ride this out and let the feelings pass, but that approach is always difficult for me. I like to identify something, target it, and address it. Sometimes that can't be done. There are some situations that simply need time, and this is one of them.

It just stinks in the meantime. I still love her and I miss her, and I HATE that the OW gets to have this with her, along with all of the other family stuff I miss.

Sorry... just need a moment of self-pity. I'll pull myself back up in a minute or two.
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post #202 of 207 (permalink) Old 10-09-2016, 11:38 PM
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Re: My journal-Making it about me now

In situations such as this, what we need to do is often the hardest thing to do:

Be still. Let the emotions wash over you. Embrace them. Then let them go. Just like a high tide, it will pass.

That is all one can do when there is no control or influence.

Sorry about your day.

"Our ability to feel joy is directly related to how much pain we are willing to feel." - Mavash.

"The truth is, everyone is going to hurt you. You just got to find the ones worth suffering for." - Bob Marley
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post #203 of 207 (permalink) Old 10-16-2016, 12:19 PM Thread Starter
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Re: My journal-Making it about me now

One day soon I hope to come here to report that I am doing better. I continue to be overwhelmed... by work, by loneliness, hurt, and uncertainty. I can still remain grateful for the good in my life - there is so much of it. I am simply in a low point.

A "family" pic popped up on social media last night from the wedding. It was such a stab to see the OW standing there - and standing right next to my son. The good I could find in the pain is that I finally released it. I hadn't really allowed that to happen yet. But damn, does it hurt.

I have some good things to look forward to - I will never be one to say the life is all bad. I just need to spend some time with this new level of hurt and give it time to work through. This won't be the last of it - they will be having a reception this summer, and I am certain babies and other celebrations will follow. I am smart enough to know that each of these rites will bring a new wave of hurt with them, and I simply need to learn how to cope each time. I already have an option I am considering if I do need to move - a friend has offered that he would not mind a roommate. He would be good company, and it would save me a good deal of money, I imagine. He has a home, so I think there would be space enough for us both. It's a nice option to consider, should I need it.

As for the loneliness... well... we all deal with that on occasion, right?

In any event, I am grateful for this safe arena to simply come and voice my feelings and not have to pretend all is well. Sometimes, it feels better to recognize that it isn't all shiny and sunny.
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post #204 of 207 (permalink) Old 10-16-2016, 01:28 PM
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Re: My journal-Making it about me now

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Just breathe Too Nice.

Just a question. If I was a guy who was interested in you, I might be nonplussed if I found out you were living with another guy. Are you sure this is a good idea? What is the status of your present lease?
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post #205 of 207 (permalink) Old 10-16-2016, 01:56 PM Thread Starter
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Re: My journal-Making it about me now

If the new owners decide to displace me, I need to move within 30 days. If it helps, I'm not quite masculine enough for his taste. He'd pose no threat to any potential suitors.


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post #206 of 207 (permalink) Old 12-13-2016, 11:33 PM
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Re: My journal-Making it about me now

@TooNice how is your 26.2 training going? Now I can see that you have some new suitors and that I'm very jealous. You're certainly worth it.
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post #207 of 207 (permalink) Old 12-14-2016, 11:55 AM Thread Starter
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Re: My journal-Making it about me now

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@TooNice how is your 26.2 training going? Now I can see that you have some new suitors and that I'm very jealous. You're certainly worth it.
I guess I have not updated here in some time. So, my living situation: I have new landlords, and they wanted me to stay. They have made many changes, and I am spending a little more on housing as a result. I am terribly comfortable where I am, though, so I should be able to make it work.

My marathon training is going well. I question my decision to run a spring marathon with the need to train in the midwest during the winter, but I will figure it out. I haven't started 10+ mile runs yet, so that's when it will get more challenging.

I am happy with my decision to not focus much on dating during this time. I have options, but none are very serious. I love the occasional drinks or dinner. I'm content to go days without hearing from them. While I have said I am ready for a relationship and want one, now is not the time to actively seek one out.

I recently reconnected with someone I had been seeing over the summer, and had been confused about how things fizzled out between us. He was definite long term potential, and I was never sure what happened. We talked and realized there had been some misunderstanding from both perspectives, and he wanted to dive back in and start over. I was so surprised, and said sure. That lasted precisely two days.

I had a brilliant realization, though. I felt pressured because I don't have time for him. My time is consumed by my training, my friends, my life... I was feeling guilty because I couldn't respond to his messages, schedule a phone call, or pick a day to meet for dinner.

Because I am unwilling to adjust my life and the things I want to have in it right now.

So, I call that a total win.
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