My journal-Making it about me now - Page 2 - Talk About Marriage
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post #16 of 221 (permalink) Old 03-27-2014, 10:33 PM Thread Starter
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Re: My journal-Making it about me now

I don't feel like either of us should do anything until we can talk to our kids, and that can't happen for several months yet. One lives out of state, and we won't have them both in a room together until June. So that's a pretty big obstacle. In the meantime, it is really hard, yes. I just don't know what else to do.

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post #17 of 221 (permalink) Old 04-03-2014, 12:51 PM Thread Starter
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Re: My journal-Making it about me now

I haven't been in here much lately, and apologize for not supporting a few people here I had been communicating with before who have been struggling. I just needed a break.

Things are unchanged, but H and I continue to talk. We are talking about things we should have talked about 10 years ago, but at least we are talking. It's still not going to fix our broken marriage, but it will help me feel better about walking away when the time comes.

I had IC today, too. I really like my counselor. She wants me to focus on what I feel like when I am alone...where my thoughts go, what is comfortable for me, and what is not. I've never lived alone before, and I am terrified of it. She wants me to use this time (when I'm not actually living alone yet) to help me be comfortable with myself and get prepared so I am ok when it does happen.

I am still grieving. I still have bouts of anger and just overwhelming sadness. I also have moments when I think this is the right things for us to do, and that one day, I will be happier. I will be with someone who is excited to see me every day, who not only lets me do little nice things, but is grateful for them, who helps around the house, who cooks with me and goes for walks, and tells me I'm beautiful. Things I deserve to have.

I hope others here are doing well, or as well as you can be. Hugs.
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post #18 of 221 (permalink) Old 04-03-2014, 04:10 PM
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Re: My journal-Making it about me now

I hear ya TooNice. It does take two. It took two to screw it up and it will take two to fix it. But it's funny how they don't see it that way. Like my h - it took one (me) to screw it up and therefore it takes one (me) to fix it even though he has issues that he needs to fix. But he's not sure that fixing it is what he wants. How crazy the whole thing is!!!!
But you are right, we can better ourselves, and they can either jump on board or abandon ship, but we will have prepared for a better life either way.
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post #19 of 221 (permalink) Old 04-06-2014, 10:28 AM Thread Starter
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Re: My journal-Making it about me now

I've been thinking about a few things lately-I have some challenging situations coming up. We are spending next weekend with my BFF and her H-and they both know about our situation. They love us both though, and we want to spend time with them. It should be fun, and I'm relieved that they know. Hanging out with people who don't know is so exhausting. Like having family over for Easter. And end of school events that our coming up. And our 20th wedding anniversary. (I'm really freaking out about that one!)

I'm having one of those days where I feel like I could let my emotions take over, if I let them. Usually I let them, because I do believe it's better than holding them in. I think today, though, I will try to work through it.

I have some grocery shopping to do, and I'd like to make dinner for tonight. I recently downloaded an app to help me keep up with my housekeeping, so I have a few small projects to work on for that. And I need to get a workout in. So, I am facing the day with some coffee and a plan.

So, here's to that.
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post #20 of 221 (permalink) Old 04-06-2014, 10:58 AM
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Re: My journal-Making it about me now

Well, your marriage is dead and you have not yet began to disentangle your lives, so I can see how things would be hard. You might even have little flickers of hope still that this can be saved even though you H. says clearly that it cannot.

Holding things in and not telling anybody is doing nobody any good. Do you think your kid is going to accept this better once he or she heads off to College? Better to tell the kid now, so their grades will not suffer from the turmoil later. They can grieve over the summer and then go off to a new place and new situation and heal away from it all. That is my view at least.

And what good does it do to keep it from your families and other friends. They already know something is wrong, you can bet on that. All keeping it a secret is doing is letting you hold onto a secret last shred of false hope, so that maybe if you are the good W., if you can be the perfect partner, maybe he will change his mind.

Maybe you should find a support group in your city, where people talk openly about these things. It would probably help you quite a bit to release some of your thoughts to living and breathing people.

Daily "to do" lists and such things always help me to cope when I am feeling down about things. So kudos. If anxiety is an issue for you, coffee may exacerbate the issue, so decaf more than caffeinated would be my advice (as a coffee addict here!)
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post #21 of 221 (permalink) Old 04-06-2014, 11:15 AM Thread Starter
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Re: My journal-Making it about me now

Thanks for your input, Arendt. You are right, it would be better to get it out in the open. The problem is that there are two kids, and one is out of state at the moment. We both agree that it would be unacceptable to tell them separately. We will get through the celebrations they both have first, and then they will be home together and have each other to turn to for support. (That's our plan/hope anyway.)

I am pretty sure my friends won't be surprised when the time comes. I think our families might be, though. Maybe not our kids, but I think quite a few people will be.

I appreciate your comments about it being easy to have hope, but no worries there. I get it it. It's over. He's been pretty clear about that. He might have some tiny, tiny shred of thought that we could recapture things if we worked very hard, but he has too much fear of how it would make him if we tried and it didn't work. He is not willing to take that risk. I talked in IC about that the other day, and my counselor agreed that it is his issue, and it need to just focus on me.

Now... Decaf coffee??? That's just crazy talk. :-)

Thanks for the note.
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post #22 of 221 (permalink) Old 04-16-2014, 11:51 PM Thread Starter
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Re: My journal-Making it about me now

Haven't posted on here in awhile. Lots going on. Mostly just busy life stuff... Partially just not sure what else to say some days.

We've had more rough talks. Always rough, but always necessary, too. I'm coming more to terms with where we are, and making some realizations. I'm realizing that I'm getting closer to understanding that he's right. I'm realizing that he's right about this being the next step toward both of us finding happiness. I'm starting to envision what my future might look like. I know our situation is very different than many here. While I occasionally think it might be easier to just have something to be really angry about, I realize that I am so grateful that he cares enough about me to take time to let me process this.

I've been very stressed out about a date on the calendar. Our 20th anniversary is approaching, and I have been beside myself thinking about what that day will look like. In my head, I see people sending us notes and phone calls...our kiddo will not be home until late that night, and H usually works evenings. Didn't paint a very pleasant picture. But we talked about it. He wants to celebrate. 20 years is worth celebrating, even if it's our last celebration together. Dinner, reflecting, probably some laughter-he can always make me laugh. I feel better knowing that we CAN celebrate.

I have therapy tomorrow, and I feel like I have a lot of good to talk about. It still hurts so very, very much, but slowly, I can see that it's the right thing. I know that I will breathe so much easier after we can tell the kids... I feel like that's the really big thing that is crippling me emotionally right now. But we still agree on the timing of that, and it's simply not time yet.

Baby steps for now, and one day at a time.
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post #23 of 221 (permalink) Old 04-17-2014, 01:49 PM Thread Starter
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Re: My journal-Making it about me now

One more quick thing to add. This morning, he paused to share with me that he's anxious and worried and scared about the future, too. Even though he's driving this, and is sitting back waiting for me to be ready, the changes scare him, too.

That was nice to hear.
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post #24 of 221 (permalink) Old 04-17-2014, 09:49 PM Thread Starter
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Re: My journal-Making it about me now

So, this is a lot of me just rambling on here-lol, but it helps me to put it out there.

My counselor thought I seemed much better this week. I certainly cried less than at my other visits. She really wants me to continue to envision what I want my life to look like when we do split. To start thinking about my own place, and how that looks. How I spend my time, how I calm myself and what I do to stay busy or to relax. Pretty good appt overall.

The day was topped off with an unexpected dinner with a friend who had great timing, so all in all, not a bad day.
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post #25 of 221 (permalink) Old 04-20-2014, 09:13 PM Thread Starter
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Re: My journal-Making it about me now

So, so sad today. We have hosted Easter for my husband's family for many years. We did it today, and I spent the whole day knowing it's not only my last Easter with them, but my last holiday. We have one more big family event, but then they will know we are divorcing. I will of course, see them again, but it will never be the same.

I'm just so sad.

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post #26 of 221 (permalink) Old 04-21-2014, 07:44 AM
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Re: My journal-Making it about me now

Are you doing what your counselor suggested?
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post #27 of 221 (permalink) Old 04-21-2014, 09:28 AM Thread Starter
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Re: My journal-Making it about me now

Arendt, I am. And while there are still a few key triggers that make me sad, I think that I am doing well overall. It was just so overwhelming yesterday to spend time with these people I love knowing that I will be losing them, too. Seeing that part of what my life will look like makes me sad.

I did break down crying in front of my H last night and we talked about this. He knows that I am losing much more than our marriage in this divorce, and it makes him sad, too. I told him of a few conversation moments that took place yesterday that were particularly challenging for me, and he said later that he admires my strength for making it through that. His family is a very big part of my life, and our holiday routines are very special. He gets to keep that.

I know this isn't easy for him, either. I think if it were, he'd just pack up and we'd finish this thing. But we do care about each other, and we love our children. While it almost hurts more to drag it out like this, I think in the end, it is paving a better path for our relationship in the future. We don't want birthdays, weddings, and other life moments to be painful for our family or for each other.

I can say more and more now that I know he's right about this. I can see myself happier later. I can see myself spending time with a man who shares his time with me, who complements me and shares both the mundane and exciting parts of life with me. He can't give me that.
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post #28 of 221 (permalink) Old 04-23-2014, 01:41 PM
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Re: My journal-Making it about me now

Quote:
Originally Posted by mishu143 View Post
I honestly grieved more for the loss of my marriage than the loss of him.
Agreed, ultimately, giving up the marriage and family and life we wanted is more difficult than giving up the X. They decide to leave and you can't change them. But we have a lot our identity and future tied up in what we think our lives will look like.

When it changes so dramatically and we can't stop it, change it, fix it; it's really difficult to adjust to getting what we never wanted. And that has little to do with the person we've lost and ultimately detached from.

I will be responsible for my actions & decisions, rather than judging what you should do with your life.
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post #29 of 221 (permalink) Old 04-23-2014, 03:18 PM Thread Starter
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Re: My journal-Making it about me now

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Originally Posted by angstire View Post
Agreed, ultimately, giving up the marriage and family and life we wanted is more difficult than giving up the X. They decide to leave and you can't change them. But we have a lot our identity and future tied up in what we think our lives will look like.

When it changes so dramatically and we can't stop it, change it, fix it; it's really difficult to adjust to getting what we never wanted. And that has little to do with the person we've lost and ultimately detached from.
Wow.. It seems so obvious, but it guess I never looked at it this way. This is so true. I do love him and will miss him terribly, but it's really the loss of everything else that is making this so much harder for both of us.
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post #30 of 221 (permalink) Old 04-24-2014, 07:18 PM Thread Starter
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Re: My journal-Making it about me now

Huh. I just had a bit of an "aha" moment. Like everyone here, I have the ups and downs. I ride out the rollercoaster and go with it as best I can. Easter was a really deep low and I was very sad. Since then, I've just... been.

What's worse? The highs of I'm gonna be great on my own, we are getting along ok and we will figure this out? The lows with the tears and the back breaking sobs and the complete and utter loneliness?

Or simply existing in an emotionless funk?

I almost think I would rather be feeling -something-. I just feel unsettled right now.
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