My journal-Making it about me now - Page 3 - Talk About Marriage
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post #31 of 221 (permalink) Old 04-24-2014, 09:29 PM
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Re: My journal-Making it about me now

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I almost think I would rather be feeling -something-. I just feel unsettled right now.
This happens, you feel so many things as you move through the five stages of grief. I didn't reach a spot of feeling nothing, but some people do. Maybe that's deep sorrow, where your body just takes a break and you feel so much sad, you just feel dead and it feels even and so it feels like nothing; I don't know.

I do know you have to move through all of the emotions, the anger, the sad, the lonely, the hopeless, the regret. If you get stuck in any of these, you will slow your healing.

Time helps, but feeling all of the emotions is part of that. Don't hide from it. Wail if you need to. Vent here if you need to. Just keep going. It will get better with time.


I will be responsible for my actions & decisions, rather than judging what you should do with your life.
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post #32 of 221 (permalink) Old 04-25-2014, 10:50 PM
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Re: My journal-Making it about me now

TooNice,

I have to be honest. Maybe its my age, maybe I am nave, but I am so confused on what your life is becoming. I am sad for you because you are feeling what I am feeling. Losing all the connections you both have made together.

But I have this horrible feeling, Why?? What happened? No affair? Nothing? Was it really just a that's it kind of a thing? I mean what really happened?

Did you guysfight a lot? I dunno, I am just so confused and I don't mean to be intrusive, but I feel for you, and I think, what the hell could have made him just want to leave like this? How cordial you are all being with one another... How you are living your lives right now...

It has to be so hard, and I am not even there, but I am just so puzzled...

I agree with you that being angry, frustrated, etc helps in getting some kind of acceptance of the situation. I don't think I am clarifying it correctly but I am at a loss for words...

Are you guys living like your married, besides just being in the same house. Are you intimate? Do you have dinner together?

I mean how are you getting along knowing that you are ending your marriage of 20 years. Its just so amicable, Im so confused and sad all at the same time, because I know you want to keep your marriage and he doesn't but there has to be a reason... Is there?

Again, not trying to be intrusive, so ignore what you want... Im just trying to wrap my head around it all...
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post #33 of 221 (permalink) Old 04-26-2014, 08:55 AM Thread Starter
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Re: My journal-Making it about me now

No worries, Mishu. I get it. It's messed up.

I think we swept things aside for such a very long time, that we are simply past the point of no return now. He did have one affair 7 years into our marriage, during one of the darkest and most awful times of my life. We worked on reconciling then, but in looking back, we didn't do nearly what we should have. I wasn't in a place where I could see that my marriage was in crisis. (I know that probably sounds ridiculous, but my depression was very deep.)

I suspect there have been others, but I have nothing to confirm it, so trust has been an issue for 13 years.

When I got better, he wanted to support me finishing school. I think he knew then, but I was focused on school and the kids and just being better. Then I finished school, and started realizing that he was still never home. He still doesn't open up about his feelings. Doesn't hold my hand. Doesn't compliment me or help around the house. I think he shut down a really, really long time ago.

So, now he's talking about how I deserve better. I deserve to be happy. And finally...finally...he is talking to someone about his own issues. I should have insisted that he see a therapist 15 years ago. I suggested it, but didn't force the issue. I think all these years watching me with my own struggles and not allowing me in when I was strong enough to be there for him finally showed him what HE needs, too. But for some reason, when he is ready to let someone in, it's not going to be me. When I was that person, he'd have none of it. Then I needed a LOT of support for a long time, and he realized that I wasn't there for him anymore.

It's hard to be the dependable person in the life of a very independent person.

Do we live like a married couple? Yes, mostly. We go out to dinner together once or twice a week, we talk about our day. We do not share a bedroom most of the time, and have not been intimate since he told me that his mind is made up. He holds me when I cry, though.

How am I getting along?

I honestly don't know. I try to think about things I enjoy doing, and things I would enjoy sharing with a partner. He does not enjoy any of them. I think about that a lot. I don't really enjoy things he does, either. So as we face an empty house and time as adults without children, I suppose that is a pretty important thing. I've tried to get him to try new things with me, but again...he's just shut down.

So yes, we are cordial to one another and just taking things day by day until we finalize the process. It's weird, I know. Remember my original user name-BothToonice? It's pretty descriptive.

Thanks for your insight. It's not intrusive at all. It's very true.
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post #34 of 221 (permalink) Old 04-26-2014, 01:11 PM
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Re: My journal-Making it about me now

Im so sorry, but I am glad I asked. Now I see the problem and I am so sorry. I really am. I am here for you and as I read your post I cried because I could relate on so many levels.

I am glad you are at least out of your funk! I was in one for a looooong time also(depression) and it is a battle to get away from. I am proud of the fact that you are able to do what you want and you are able to be yourself.

I want to get there soon. I hope I will.

I am praying for you. I am praying for your family, and for your future.

Thank you for sharing.
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post #35 of 221 (permalink) Old 05-08-2014, 09:25 PM Thread Starter
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Re: My journal-Making it about me now

The more we talk, the more I start to feel like we are (he is) making a mistake. I think he's ready to focus on his emotional health for the first time in his life, and he's afraid that he'll get hurt if we stay together and it ultimately doesn't work. I would work my tail off for this marriage of he wanted to, but we both have to be all in. Right now that's not the case, so I have to let go.

It's so hard to let go of someone BECAUSE you love them.
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post #36 of 221 (permalink) Old 05-09-2014, 09:47 AM
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Re: My journal-Making it about me now

Or let go because you love yourself. If he can't focus on the marriage or doesn't see the value, no one can make him.

Focus on yourself and he may realize what he's giving up. But....if people think the grass will be greener, there's nothing anyone can do to convince them otherwise.

I will be responsible for my actions & decisions, rather than judging what you should do with your life.
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post #37 of 221 (permalink) Old 05-09-2014, 01:38 PM Thread Starter
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Re: My journal-Making it about me now

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Or let go because you love yourself. If he can't focus on the marriage or doesn't see the value, no one can make him.

Focus on yourself and he may realize what he's giving up. But....if people think the grass will be greener, there's nothing anyone can do to convince them otherwise.
You are so right. And I know this. It's just sad. It's sad to think that two people can really love each other, and have it not be enough. I would work for us, but as I said, we would both need to be all in. If that's not the case, then I need to let this go and move on. I am grateful that I am strong enough to do that, and I have him to thank for giving me that.

But I don't know how to not be sad about it.
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post #38 of 221 (permalink) Old 05-09-2014, 03:10 PM
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Re: My journal-Making it about me now

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But I don't know how to not be sad about it.
Don't try to not be sad. Feel it. All of it. It's sad to lose your bff, your lover, your future. It sucks. But it does get better.

Grieve it and move on. Do things for you. Focus on little things you can do for you each day and week by week, you'll feel better.

It's ok to be sad; it would be odd if you weren't. Time will heal this wound as it does with all wounds. Just work on feeling your feelings and you'll be ok.

I will be responsible for my actions & decisions, rather than judging what you should do with your life.
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post #39 of 221 (permalink) Old 05-09-2014, 04:40 PM Thread Starter
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Re: My journal-Making it about me now

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Originally Posted by angstire View Post
Don't try to not be sad. Feel it. All of it. It's sad to lose your bff, your lover, your future. It sucks. But it does get better.

Grieve it and move on. Do things for you. Focus on little things you can do for you each day and week by week, you'll feel better.

It's ok to be sad; it would be odd if you weren't. Time will heal this wound as it does with all wounds. Just work on feeling your feelings and you'll be ok.
Thank you. Truly.
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post #40 of 221 (permalink) Old 05-10-2014, 08:29 AM Thread Starter
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Re: My journal-Making it about me now

I'm feeling a little more calm today, for now. I told H how I felt. I said I knew it was not going to change his mind, but I needed him to know that I think we could make this work if he felt he could. I couldn't go though the rest of this process without saying it out loud. I know we have lots of differences, but the base things that attracted us to one another are still there. I will walk away if that's what he needs, but I needed to acknowledge that.

I will be home alone much of the weekend, so I am glad to be feeling a little peace today, even if it doesn't last long. I have therapy this morning, too, so that should also help.

Now we are weeks away from telling the kids, too. I'm still very anxious about that. Timing will not be what I wanted, but there's not much we can do there. We will have to live with however that plays out. I just want that part done. Once that's over, this will be out there and real, and we can stop pretending and talking in secret.

At least it is a beautiful day for a change, and I can get some windows open and let some fresh air clean out my emotionally charged home. My boy is going to prom tonight, so I am looking forward to seeing him and his friends all dressed up, and I will enjoy their youth and friendship and laughter.

Another day. I will do all I can to make the very best of it.

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post #41 of 221 (permalink) Old 05-11-2014, 11:27 PM
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Re: My journal-Making it about me now

What was his reaction?
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post #42 of 221 (permalink) Old 05-12-2014, 08:53 PM Thread Starter
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Re: My journal-Making it about me now

He hugged me and said "I know." And he thanked me for sharing that I felt that way.
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post #43 of 221 (permalink) Old 06-15-2014, 09:27 AM Thread Starter
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Re: My journal-Making it about me now

I have checked in on this site regularly, but I had not realized how long it has been since I have posted in my own thread.

Things are progressing here. We celebrated some major life events with our children-awkward as it was for me knowing what is to come. Some nice moments together... some tough ones behind closed doors.

We were unable to sit the kids down and tell them together, so my H told his daughter right before she left. From what he said, she took it pretty calmly. She is a scholar and somewhat clinical about life, so I'm not surprised.

The plan is to tell our son tonight. My H knows that I am starting to get fairly upset about him not knowing, and not being able to tell my friends and family. And the reason we haven't done it yet is largely because his schedule hasn't allowed for it. I'm starting to get resentful about it, and would like to deal with this before that gets worse. I am proud of myself for owning some particular feelings and rights in this, and this is one of them. My H gets to be protected as long as we haven't told people yet. While I do still care for him, he is initiating this, and every day we wait is holding me back from moving on.

To be fair, there have been other things happening in the direction of making changes. He actually had the filing papers up on the computer the other night and we talked about some of the things we both need (mostly me) in the legal side of things. I am also going to the bank this week to set up my own accounts so we can start transitioning some finances to me.

I also started asking frank questions about when he is thinking we will move. I think I surprised him when I gave a date I am thinking. I think it was sooner than he expected. But again, I am embracing my right to be a little selfish here. He wants this. I need to move on. I need my own place to start that.

I mentioned that I think I would like to offer our son the opportunity to look for places with me. He may choose not to, but he might like to see what he is going to come home to from college. As a mom, I think that's fair. Much better than moving from our home and coming back to a place he's never seen before. I am not sure what my H had been thinking, but I don't think it involved that.

We've even had discussions about "stuff", and how to go about things. He doesn't want to do a whole lot of packing/dividing before our son goes to college, just to maintain the status quo a little longer, but we have talked about major furniture pieces, etc. With summer and rummage sales and the like, we really need to be ready to make purchase and fill gaps where we can.

My expectations of my next home are very different than his. I want comfort and to feel like I belong there. I know he will likely scale way back to save money. The old me would have suffered guilt from that. I know now that when I am settled into the place I see in my mind, it will be a place for me to heal and love myself for who I am. I deserve that. His choices are his choices. This is mine.

So... That's where I am at. Thanks as always to the people here who provide such wonderful support and feedback. I know it has helped me get to the place I am, and will continue to help me where I am going.
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post #44 of 221 (permalink) Old 06-15-2014, 07:05 PM
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Re: My journal-Making it about me now

You have every right to ask for what you need. Not telling people has held back a network of support. Good for you in taking charge a bit.
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post #45 of 221 (permalink) Old 06-15-2014, 10:33 PM Thread Starter
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Re: My journal-Making it about me now

It's done. It was hard, probably the hardest thing I've ever had to do. He's doing ok now. Just taking time to process. We told him that we've been processing for awhile. We said that we just talk about things as we think of them and that he can do that, too.

We are still a family, and that's not changing. We'll get through this together, and now that he knows, we can start moving forward with that.
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