Re: My journal-Making it about me now
No worries, Mishu. I get it. It's messed up.
I think we swept things aside for such a very long time, that we are simply past the point of no return now. He did have one affair 7 years into our marriage, during one of the darkest and most awful times of my life. We worked on reconciling then, but in looking back, we didn't do nearly what we should have. I wasn't in a place where I could see that my marriage was in crisis. (I know that probably sounds ridiculous, but my depression was very deep.)
I suspect there have been others, but I have nothing to confirm it, so trust has been an issue for 13 years.
When I got better, he wanted to support me finishing school. I think he knew then, but I was focused on school and the kids and just being better. Then I finished school, and started realizing that he was still never home. He still doesn't open up about his feelings. Doesn't hold my hand. Doesn't compliment me or help around the house. I think he shut down a really, really long time ago.
So, now he's talking about how I deserve better. I deserve to be happy. And finally...finally...he is talking to someone about his own issues. I should have insisted that he see a therapist 15 years ago. I suggested it, but didn't force the issue. I think all these years watching me with my own struggles and not allowing me in when I was strong enough to be there for him finally showed him what HE needs, too. But for some reason, when he is ready to let someone in, it's not going to be me. When I was that person, he'd have none of it. Then I needed a LOT of support for a long time, and he realized that I wasn't there for him anymore.
It's hard to be the dependable person in the life of a very independent person.
Do we live like a married couple? Yes, mostly. We go out to dinner together once or twice a week, we talk about our day. We do not share a bedroom most of the time, and have not been intimate since he told me that his mind is made up. He holds me when I cry, though.
How am I getting along?
I honestly don't know. I try to think about things I enjoy doing, and things I would enjoy sharing with a partner. He does not enjoy any of them. I think about that a lot. I don't really enjoy things he does, either. So as we face an empty house and time as adults without children, I suppose that is a pretty important thing. I've tried to get him to try new things with me, but again...he's just shut down.
So yes, we are cordial to one another and just taking things day by day until we finalize the process. It's weird, I know. Remember my original user name-BothToonice? It's pretty descriptive.
Thanks for your insight. It's not intrusive at all. It's very true.