My journal-Making it about me now - Page 4 - Talk About Marriage
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post #46 of 221 (permalink) Old 06-15-2014, 11:11 PM
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Re: My journal-Making it about me now

I am so sorry tooNice. Seems like it is all becoming reality... Well your timeline was just about right when you predicted you would tell him, so good for you in sticking to it.

I have you in my prayers, don't give up. :-)

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post #47 of 221 (permalink) Old 06-15-2014, 11:15 PM Thread Starter
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Re: My journal-Making it about me now

Thanks, that means a lot.
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post #48 of 221 (permalink) Old 06-16-2014, 10:16 AM Thread Starter
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Re: My journal-Making it about me now

Wow...the telling part is hard. Now that my son knows, I have a few people to tell and so does my H. Just a few people that we want to have hear it from us, not someone else.
I think by the end of this week I will feel like we are done with that part and we can just settle in to the summer and the prepping for fall.

I'm ready to be at the part where I can say it without tears, though.
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post #49 of 221 (permalink) Old 06-16-2014, 11:45 AM
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Re: My journal-Making it about me now

How did your son take it btw?
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post #50 of 221 (permalink) Old 06-16-2014, 11:56 AM Thread Starter
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Re: My journal-Making it about me now

He's doing alright. He was pretty shocked at first, and then just asked for time to process it. He knows we are here for him, and we made it clear that we are all figuring out what this is going to look like. He's got a good friend base, and told me this morning that he plans to utilize that network (and started last night).

Seems pretty healthy to me, and definitely on the positive side of what we hoped would happen. I took today off work simply to hang around the house with him, so it's been nice just to be around.

Thanks for asking.
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post #51 of 221 (permalink) Old 06-16-2014, 09:06 PM Thread Starter
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Re: My journal-Making it about me now

Between hanging out with my son and some things I had to go take care of, I made quite a few phone calls today. I told key people that I wanted to have hear it from me. Oddly, in a weird clinical way, I've found the variety of responses to be so interesting. (Although one simply cheesed me off.)

Overall though, that was simply exhausting. I cried every single time the words came out. I remember that someone here once told me that once you can talk about the divorce and say the words without tears, you are on a good path to recovering. (It might even be in in this thread somewhere.)

This was the part I was waiting for, though. And I cried the very hardest when my sister in law told me that she always wants me to be a part of her life-that she can't imagine me not in it. And if it can be comfortable for me to do so, she still wants to see me. That meant the world to me. I haven't talked to my H yet to hear how his conversations went (she was one of them), but that was very overwhelming for me.

I have a couple more friends to tell when I see them in person later this week, but I have mostly told everyone I care about most.

As I told one friend tonight who already knew, the elephant is now roaming freely about the room.
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post #52 of 221 (permalink) Old 06-17-2014, 12:28 PM
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Re: My journal-Making it about me now

Why do you think you cry when you tell people? I mean, you don't seem to be crying at other times, so what is it about telling people that makes you cry?
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post #53 of 221 (permalink) Old 06-17-2014, 02:56 PM Thread Starter
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Re: My journal-Making it about me now

Nah... I most definitely cry at other times. More than I would like. I'm doing a pretty good job overall at being strong, but I'm still sad about this.
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post #54 of 221 (permalink) Old 06-23-2014, 09:58 PM Thread Starter
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Re: My journal-Making it about me now

It's getting easier. I think.

We have been backing off from pressing our son to talk to us, but I felt the need to mention tonight that we need to consider what furniture and things we will need for my apartment-specifically what we need for him. That led to a discussion about us leaving our current place, which I don't think he had really thought through. I feel badly about that, but at the same time, I think it was good to bring it up.

Our place is nice enough, but I am actually looking forward to moving. A nice place, chosen by me (and my son, if he wants to help), decorated by me, and settled by me. I feel like I am ready for that. I'm more sorry than I can say that my son is losing the only place he has known as home, but it's not reasonable to stay. We rent, and can easily find two smaller places. Besides, it needs a lot of work that the landlord won't do. He never has.

My friends have been amazing, and I know that this will be fine.

I am making an effort to not feel guilty, which is funny given the circumstances that got us here. My husband plans to rent a very small place for 6-12 months to save money. He does not have the support network I do, and he commented the other night that his own family seems more concerned for me than for him. I feel sadness for him, but at the same time, I feel protective of myself and fortunate for what I have. As far as I know, he hasn't done anything to deserve ill will, and I have stopped the few friends who tried to call him names. But I want him to be happy, and I just don't know how he is going to get there. It makes me sad.

I suppose I feel guilty for feeling like I may be ready to move forward. While I was shocked when he told me all those months ago that there is nothing left to work on, I guess I recognize that our marriage has been over for years. If he is completely unwilling to try, than I don't want to drag it out.

Is that wrong?
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post #55 of 221 (permalink) Old 06-26-2014, 12:51 PM Thread Starter
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Re: My journal-Making it about me now

I think the thing I hate the most about this process is the emotional roller coaster. How you can feel fine one day. Several days, even. Strong. Brave. In control.

And then out of nowhere, you get slammed against a wall. The tears flow, you feel sick to your stomach and can't lose the lump in your throat. And you can't define a reason for it; it just happened. All you can do is wait for it to pass and wait for that feeling of strength to return.

Just one of those days.

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post #56 of 221 (permalink) Old 06-27-2014, 07:19 PM Thread Starter
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Re: My journal-Making it about me now

We mutually agreed to remove our rings yesterday. I never thought I would instigate that, but it was making me sad to wear it. I then posted the following in another thread:

And so we take our rings off before attending a major social function together. Before we left, I was having a particularly emotional time. Before we got to the function, he wanted me to know that he does still love me through all of this and probably always will. Then at the event, was really very kind and loving and more demonstrative than he has been in years.

WTH do I do with that?

I am terribly torn right now. I don't want to tell him to stop being nice to me, but it's killing me that he apparently thinks I'm such a great person and is clearly still attracted to me on many levels...but I'm still not worthy of staying married to.

And all this, after we remove our wedding bands.
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post #57 of 221 (permalink) Old 06-28-2014, 11:36 AM
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Re: My journal-Making it about me now

He's codependent. He wants the divorce but doesn't want to hurt you and was trying to "fix" things by being nice.
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post #58 of 221 (permalink) Old 06-28-2014, 01:53 PM Thread Starter
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Re: My journal-Making it about me now

You are right, of course. I know he feels badly for wanting this and more importantly for hurting me and our family. That's why he's being so low key about everything. This particular thing was too much, though.

We didn't see each other or talk too much yesterday, and I'm leaving town for several days starting tomorrow. I think the time away will be good for me.
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post #59 of 221 (permalink) Old 06-28-2014, 08:07 PM
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Re: My journal-Making it about me now

Great. A vacation will be a breath of fresh air for you.

have you considered going ahead and moving out? Living together all this time, it would seem to me, only prolongs the attachment and hanging on and pain.

It feels to me like you-all are torturing yourselves. Looking back to my marriage over the past 2 years, we did that too. I am glad we live apart. The divorce is much, much easier than if we had still lived together and seen each other everyday and all that. Hell, I'm looking forward to it. Feels like i'm about to get a brand new shiny car . I think you'll get to that point only after you've lived apart for some time or something. He keeps hurting you unintentionally in the meantime.

If you want to start anew, do it. You could take charge of this situation if you want.
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post #60 of 221 (permalink) Old 06-29-2014, 12:18 PM Thread Starter
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Re: My journal-Making it about me now

Thanks, Arendt.
I'm not willing to move until our son is at school. At the same time, I won't prolong it once that happens. I think H would be fine to help finances by staying in the same place together for awhile, even into the spring. I've made it clear that I am not okay with that. I will be in my own place in September or October at the latest.

This may not be what I asked for, but I'm recognizing how it is affecting me to be around him every day. As much as I care for him and still enjoy time with him, it's painful. I know I am going to miss him very much, but I feel like I'm ready for my brand new shiny place.
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