My journal-Making it about me now - Page 5 - Talk About Marriage
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post #61 of 207 (permalink) Old 06-30-2014, 06:56 PM
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Re: My journal-Making it about me now

School begins in late August. So you could be out by September 1 right? Once July hits you might start looking. (July starts in a few hours ). Could take you a little while to find a place you want. Plus all the people coming back for the Fall make it harder to find a place.


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post #62 of 207 (permalink) Old 07-01-2014, 01:13 AM Thread Starter
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Re: My journal-Making it about me now

Already been looking, friend.

I know things become exponentially tougher once the college crew starts seeking out places, so my hope is to find something before that happens. My target move date is September, but I am willing to do October if a great place comes along that is open then. My work schedule would make that a bit easier, but I'll let fate handle it.

And you are right... It's July now, so I should start looking a bit more now. The kiddo is willing to look at places with me, which I would really like. This will be his home now, too, so it would be nice to have him be a part of this part.

Thanks for helping to keep me on track.
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post #63 of 207 (permalink) Old 07-07-2014, 10:24 PM Thread Starter
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Re: My journal-Making it about me now

Paperwork completed-check. H is going to drop it off sometime this week.

Conversations about how to split debt and what support will look like-check. Nothing written done yet, but that's the next step. So far, fair and civil.

First awkward family gathering since we delivered the news-check. Horrible day for me, but his family showed much love and support, which I am blessed to have. I understand that in many situations, this fades over time, but to have it at this moment is a treasure to me.

So, now I am more aggressively looking for a place. I am going to start contacting management companies to see if I can get a heads up for Sept/Oct places in my price range. I really need to start spending some time packing and organizing. Work-wise, this is a really bad time for me to move, so I need to do anything I can to make it easier.

H is still being very kind and affectionate. He admits that it's hard to see me hurting, so he wants to comfort me. I've told him that it is hurting me more, so we are figuring out our space. It's a tough thing to do, but Arendt, you are spot on. I can't let him hurt me this way anymore. I really can't move yet, but we can create some distance in other ways.

So, I guess that's all...just plugging along.
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post #64 of 207 (permalink) Old 07-08-2014, 09:22 AM
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Re: My journal-Making it about me now

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Paperwork completed-check. H is going to drop it off sometime this week.

Conversations about how to split debt and what support will look like-check. Nothing written done yet, but that's the next step. So far, fair and civil.

First awkward family gathering since we delivered the news-check. Horrible day for me, but his family showed much love and support, which I am blessed to have. I understand that in many situations, this fades over time, but to have it at this moment is a treasure to me.

So, now I am more aggressively looking for a place. I am going to start contacting management companies to see if I can get a heads up for Sept/Oct places in my price range. I really need to start spending some time packing and organizing. Work-wise, this is a really bad time for me to move, so I need to do anything I can to make it easier.

H is still being very kind and affectionate. He admits that it's hard to see me hurting, so he wants to comfort me. I've told him that it is hurting me more, so we are figuring out our space. It's a tough thing to do, but Arendt, you are spot on. I can't let him hurt me this way anymore. I really can't move yet, but we can create some distance in other ways.

So, I guess that's all...just plugging along.
I am so sorry. I think it is much easier to move on when people are at each others throats. I cant imagine being where you are and you are very strong for not letting it bring you down. I have you in my prayers. Im so sorry for this happening to you. It seems so smooth but I know it has to be rough... Ugghhh sorry
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post #65 of 207 (permalink) Old 07-08-2014, 05:32 PM Thread Starter
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Re: My journal-Making it about me now

Thanks, girl. In the long run, this way will be better, but yeah... It's killing me a little inside every day.

The next several months are going to fly by, and I know I'll be on my own and starting over before I know it. I'm just holding onto that. Control what we can, right?
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post #66 of 207 (permalink) Old 07-08-2014, 06:32 PM
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Re: My journal-Making it about me now

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Thanks, girl. In the long run, this way will be better, but yeah... It's killing me a little inside every day.

The next several months are going to fly by, and I know I'll be on my own and starting over before I know it. I'm just holding onto that. Control what we can, right?
Right :-)
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post #67 of 207 (permalink) Old 07-16-2014, 02:02 PM
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Re: My journal-Making it about me now

Just wanted to say, I've been following your story and I find it so sad.

You had months to think about it, and know it's coming. All the while, being together, and having happy times together.

I think that is worse in some ways, then if you were angry and you hated each other.

I'll be praying for you. You are strong! How are you doing?
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post #68 of 207 (permalink) Old 07-17-2014, 10:25 AM Thread Starter
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Re: My journal-Making it about me now

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Just wanted to say, I've been following your story and I find it so sad.

You had months to think about it, and know it's coming. All the while, being together, and having happy times together.

I think that is worse in some ways, then if you were angry and you hated each other.

I'll be praying for you. You are strong! How are you doing?
Thanks so very much.
I'm doing alright. I had a couple of sleepless nights, which throws my emotions out of whack, but finally got some sleep last night.

I saw my therapist yesterday, and she's happy with how I am doing. We talked about how it feels to look at apartments, how it feels to flirt a little without guilt...things that are becoming less theoretical now. It's still strange to come home and talk to my STBX about the places I am looking at, about furniture I need, etc. But I am trying to pull away from him in other ways, so I guess I feel ok being open about that stuff, even if it's a little surreal.

She likes that I a taking charge and looking for places now. And packing and organizing. I told her my theory that I am controlling what I can, and that includes an organized move. Many things will soon be out of my control, so if I can keep hold of some through planning, I am there!

One day at a time.
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post #69 of 207 (permalink) Old 07-17-2014, 09:58 PM Thread Starter
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Re: My journal-Making it about me now

So, apartment hunting is not much different the relationships, in my opinion. Lots of disappointing encounters, getting your hopes up and then being let down... Wouldn't you agree?

I've looked at several places now that would seriously have me regressing from a 42 year old soon to be divorced mom to a college student. :-/

I have one place (a lower) that has awesome pics, though, and I drove past it tonight. I've been emailing the owner, and he said the upper unit will be open when I need it, it's cheaper than the lower, and he thinks it's a nicer place. And as a single woman, I'd rather have an upper apt anyway. I'm trying not to get totally excited, but this place could be perfect. It's on a great street, it's adorable, and reasonable. But I can't see it until after Aug 1. It's about 10 minutes further than I wanted to be, but if it turns out that it's not too good to be true, I'll take it!

Fingers crossed...
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post #70 of 207 (permalink) Old 07-30-2014, 05:48 PM Thread Starter
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Re: My journal-Making it about me now

Turns out that the upper wasn't too good to be true, so it looks like I have a place of my own. It's super cute and warm and cozy and will make me feel like I'm home. The landlord is very nice, too. I don't know who he rented the lower to, but I'll ask about them when I sign the lease next week.

I've been spending a lot of time with friends lately, taking advantage of the summer here and doing things that make me feel good. I need to to start digging in with packing, though. I can't avoid it any longer. The division of stuff is just so draining. But a month from now, my kids will both be settled into the new chapters of their lives, as will I and my STBX.

It's all so very surreal.

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post #71 of 207 (permalink) Old 08-07-2014, 09:19 PM Thread Starter
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Re: My journal-Making it about me now

So very sad and overwhelmed tonight. This whole week, really. I just feel like I am barely keeping my head above water.
Everything... Work, my son going to college, and my move... It's just all coming to a head.

I'm just so overwhelmed. I know everything will be fine, but right now, it's just too much.
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post #72 of 207 (permalink) Old 08-07-2014, 09:40 PM
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Re: My journal-Making it about me now

It does get better with time and the distance the move will give you will be good.

Sucks...only way through it is through it right now. You seem to be handling things pretty well though. I mean you could be trying to stop the pain by all sorts of means and bad habits...but aside from a few temptations here and there, you seem to be doing well.

Are you in therapy? I forget.
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post #73 of 207 (permalink) Old 08-07-2014, 10:25 PM Thread Starter
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Re: My journal-Making it about me now

Thanks, Arendt.
I am in therapy, yes. She thinks I'm handling things well, too. This is my busy time at work, though, with added the stress of some major changes. I typically roll very well with change, but not so much right now.
The fact that my marriage is truly coming to an end is a reality that is hitting me hard. Having matter of fact conversations about dividing our belongings, about budgets, telling my husband about my new place... It's just too much. I know that it could be so much worse-we are being kind to each other, and I know he won't let this be harder than it has to be. But that in and of itself makes it hard in other ways.

I realized tonight that as strong as I have been, as brave as I have been-it does not change the fact that I still love him. I let my hurt overshadow that while we maneuvered through the past several months, but I realize now that I need to let myself feel that for awhile. It's unfortunate timing for me to deal with that particular self realization, but I know that's the thing that is making me sad.

So I guess I know what's on the agenda for my next appointment, huh?
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post #74 of 207 (permalink) Old 08-07-2014, 11:46 PM
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Re: My journal-Making it about me now

Yeah. You've got some healing to do.

That new place is going to be cool. Think of all the wonderful decorating you can do. Are you keeping things from the place you have now, like furniture and stuff? They might trigger you...Might be easier to just start over with new stuff. I am glad I did.
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post #75 of 207 (permalink) Old 08-09-2014, 03:20 PM Thread Starter
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Re: My journal-Making it about me now

I am taking some things, but not much. I'd rather start out sparse and fill my space with things I love. Things chosen by me. Many of our bigger items were either gifted to us, or things that I like, but mostly was amiable about purchasing because he liked it.

We've never done a lot of decorating, so I am really looking forward to that. A rug here, a picture there, just having the ability to see something I like and purchase it. In 20 years of marriage, that's not a thing I have ever had.

As hard as the other night was, I am glad to have had it. I feel as though I have shifted into a new place in the healing process. I can step back and look at a few things in a different light, and I feel healthier for it.

The pain is still raw, but lessened somehow by my acknowledgment of it. I don't know if that makes any sense, but it's the best way I can explain it.
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