My journal-Making it about me now - Page 6 - Talk About Marriage
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post #76 of 213 (permalink) Old 08-16-2014, 12:49 AM Thread Starter
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Re: My journal-Making it about me now

I've been home alone tonight. I almost left, but reached out to some friends, and stuck it out. Only got two boxes packed, but I think the fact that I stayed here was a bigger victory. I feel as though being home alone will be easier in my new place. Here, I just walk around and see boxes, and piles, and things divided. My life divided. It's terribly unsettling. I know that avoiding it does not help me, so I'm glad I stuck it out.

I sign my lease on Sunday, and my son will go with me so he can see my place before he leaves for college. I know this is strange and awkward for him, but I feel like I need him there with me, and I think it's ok for him to know that I need him right now. He kept reminding me on his birthday that he's an adult now-lol. I just need to lean on him a little for this big step for both of us.

I did have therapy this week. I knew it would be emotional, and I was right. She wants me to start pushing my STBX away more...to start telling him that he's causing me pain by trying to help. I'm not going to tell him this, but I think he's trying to alleviate some of his own guilt by trying to console me. And when it comes to our son, he really wants to be there for me, but even with that, I need to start having some space. The ride home from his college will be hard for me...it will be worse if he tries to help, and I need to tell him that somehow.

It's going to be tough. And when we get home, moving and packing will be in high gear. That's this time next weekend. Yikes!

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post #77 of 213 (permalink) Old 08-16-2014, 01:12 AM
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Re: My journal-Making it about me now

why are you riding with your stbxh? ?you can rent a car for cheap and have piece of mind and drive how you want to and not be trapped. Distance.
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post #78 of 213 (permalink) Old 08-16-2014, 01:18 AM Thread Starter
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Re: My journal-Making it about me now

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why are you riding with your stbxh? ?you can rent a car for cheap and have piece of mind and drive how you want to and not be trapped. Distance.
Part of it is to save money, but a larger part is to have us both spend the travel time with our son.

We do get along well, and I know we want to experience this as parents, together, as we will future things in our kids' lives.

Then there's the part where I only do long distance driving when necessary. I'd much rather read or watch the scenery go by. By-product of being the youngest child. (Rear facing station wagon seat and all!)
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post #79 of 213 (permalink) Old 08-16-2014, 01:20 AM
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Re: My journal-Making it about me now

torturing yourself for the sake of your son...

there has to be a better way.

a bus or train back?
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post #80 of 213 (permalink) Old 08-16-2014, 01:35 AM Thread Starter
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Re: My journal-Making it about me now

I do appreciate your perspective, but it's no different than what we've both been doing for a long time. (Much longer on his side!) We are good at making things seem "normal".

After the last 8-12 months, what's another 6 hours? I just need to put on my big girl panties and be honest with him. It will hurt him, because he will lose his feel good/good deed outlet. And he genuinely does not want me to hurt. But he wanted this, and he can't make my hurt go away-not in regard to our divorce, or to our baby going off to college.

The physical distance will be here in no time at all. I can tough out a little longer. I'll likely be weepy enough to not notice much else, anyway!

It's going to be hard for me no matter what. On the bright side, I'll be a passenger in a car, not driving or riding mass transit with tears rolling down my face!
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post #81 of 213 (permalink) Old 08-16-2014, 09:51 AM
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Re: My journal-Making it about me now

Sure. Your counselor is suggesting to put some distance too...refuse hugs, help, etc. This could very well be one of those moments. But, you have to do what you think is best and you are comfortable with. Reading from a distance...it is tough to see how it is beneficial and what you have been doing is not something I would have wanted to go through. YOu'll look back and see it , but at this point you may not be able to yet.

But the move is coming! Yeah!!!!
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post #82 of 213 (permalink) Old 08-23-2014, 11:41 PM Thread Starter
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Re: My journal-Making it about me now

Well, we certainly are in the thick of things now. We said our farewells to our boy and left him to start his new adventures. When we got home, we took the first load of stuff to my new place.

We spent tonight working on sorting through things. Most of the house is done, but the two biggest areas are still left. But we are both out of here by next weekend.

He did even mention filing tonight. He said he'd been holding off because he felt like I needed more time. I looked at him and asked, "are you going to change your mind"? He replied that he is not, so I said there's no reason to wait for anything then.

I'm so stressed out right now. Between missing my son, the stress of moving, and figuring out the divorce, it's enough to push anyone to the edge. I am throwing my busiest time of the year at work into the mix, too. I spent 5 hours at the office today, and will probably do a full day tomorrow. Every day this week can easily be a 12 hour day or more, and that will continue until the middle of September.

How I am going to settle into my new place is sort of beyond me at this moment. I know I will make it. I know it will be fine. I'm just not sure how just now.
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post #83 of 213 (permalink) Old 08-24-2014, 04:48 PM
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Re: My journal-Making it about me now

Too try too look at being busy at work as a good thing. ..it can be a good distraction, better than sitting home alone in your new place...
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post #84 of 213 (permalink) Old 08-26-2014, 08:49 PM Thread Starter
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Re: My journal-Making it about me now

I spoke with my boss yesterday and got the okay to bring in some extra help for a couple of weeks. I've still worked 25 hours in the past two days, but I feel like taking off Friday afternoon for the physical move won't be the end of the world. And moving Friday should help-I'll need to go to the office over the weekend, but I can use it to break up the unpacking.

I'm still walking around a bit shell shocked about life right now, but today's the first day I haven't cried in a week. So that's something, I guess. I just really want to get this over with.

On the bright side, the kiddo is having a blast at school. Started classes yesterday and his college career has officially begun. It was nice to hear his voice last night. I sort of miss the kid. ❤️
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post #85 of 213 (permalink) Old 08-26-2014, 11:34 PM Thread Starter
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...today's the first day I haven't cried in a week.
Oops...jumped the gun on that one I guess. Geez, does this part suck.
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post #86 of 213 (permalink) Old 08-27-2014, 09:10 AM
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Re: My journal-Making it about me now

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Oops...jumped the gun on that one I guess. Geez, does this part suck.
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Got to let it all out to get over it.... its part of the process

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From Sandra Dee to Slvtty Sandy, that's our Unsure.
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post #87 of 213 (permalink) Old 08-31-2014, 07:52 PM Thread Starter
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Re: My journal-Making it about me now

So, Wednesday night (two days before our scheduled moves), I received a FB message from someone I don't know. She informed me that my STBX was seeing someone and provided a few details to me. I thanked her and continued my packing with a new vigor. I posted a thread on here and got some great insight. Ultimately, I confronted him after we had gone to bed. The details were too good. He couldn't deny it.

I knew it. If nothing else, my gut was right. I just did not have a way to prove it. He also confessed when I asked if there had been anyone else, that there had been one other--before the one I knew about. As angry and as hurt as I am, at least I know our marriage has been doomed since then. If he wasn't honest enough to come clean when the affair I knew about came out, we never stood a chance.

I didn't really ask for much help moving...I was too overwhelmed. My friends rallied, though. They are beautiful. Between two of my friends (and the sons and hubby of one), my STBX and his brother, we quickly moved most everything to my new apartment. All of the guys left, and more women showed up. Boxes were emptied. Flowers appeared in every single room. As it started to get lateish, we all left at the same time- one took me shopping, and everyone else headed home. We came back and made my bed before she left me alone for my first night in my own place.

Yesterday, I woke up and cleaned my bathroom and worked on unpacking. A friend's husband showed up to handle my to-do list. I went to my old apt to finish sorting a few things with stbx. Told him how crappy it is that while I can barely even breathe, his girlfriend must be so happy to have this finally happening. We talked. He made excuses. I rejected them. I think I made him feel bad, but was probably still too nice.

When I got home, a girlfriend picked me up to meet more friends for dinner and football. I almost felt normal and ok for a bit.

Today, another one spent all day shopping with me for stuff I need. I'm so grateful to have not done that alone. Another one had me swing by so she could feed me. I hadn't yet shared the new info with her, and cried in her backyard for two hours.

I'm home now, having quiet time on my new balcony in the dusk. I will go inside soon and put away my new things.

I will fight the urge to ask why this happened. I will fight the urge to wonder why I wasn't enough. I will remember that this stemmed from his issues and not mine. I will thank God or whatever higher power is out there that I am blessed beyond words to be surrounded by the women (and men) in my life that have taken such exquisite care of me in the past days and weeks. Words cannot do justice to the love and support I have felt during one of the two lowest times of my entire life.

I feel really, really awful. Humiliated, used, and completely foolish.

Yet so very, very blessed that I will be okay. While I know many dark days still lie ahead, with this much love in my life, I see no other outcome.

Last edited by TooNice; 09-01-2014 at 09:08 AM.
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post #88 of 213 (permalink) Old 09-01-2014, 09:14 AM Thread Starter
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Re: My journal-Making it about me now

I forgot to mention my downstairs neighbor. He's here from out of state for a teaching contract at a local university this year. His wife is still back home, bit will be here off and on. I've met him a couple of times now, and he's a really nice guy. So, that's good.

With all the good stuff I am trying to focus on, I am willing to take suggestions for how to stop walking around feeling like I am going to be sick. That part is starting to get to me.
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post #89 of 213 (permalink) Old 09-01-2014, 09:19 AM
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Re: My journal-Making it about me now

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I'm just going to vent here. I know what is right, and I will not waver from that. BUT... H has not been "into" me in years. He doesn't compliment me, he doesn't flirt with me-he's just not at that place with me. It led to some behavior I am not proud of a few years ago, when I did have someone express interest in me. It felt so good to have someone tell me things that reinforced me feeling good about myself! I realized how much I was missing that. And if I have to be honest with myself, it is one of the things I am really missing in my marriage, and I know H can't provide for me. When he says I deserve to be happy, I know that is one of the things I deserve.

Having said that...It really sucks to go out with my friends and feel pretty great about myself overall... And know that I can't openly flirt and really let myself have fun (just fun-I'm not interested in being easy or anything!) for who knows how long. I have no idea right now when I will be divorced. It's just such a weird limbo place to be.

And it's really bizarre that while I do not want my marriage to end, I do feel ready to have a little fun.

I should probably mark this as a therapy item. ��
Hi Too - I'm sorry for what you and your husband are going through.

I just started reading your threads today and this one from March was curious. If you're comfortable could you expand slightly on your March post?

Quote:
BUT... H has not been "into" me in years. He doesn't compliment me, he doesn't flirt with me-he's just not at that place with me. It led to some behavior I am not proud of a few years ago, when I did have someone express interest in me. It felt so good to have someone tell me things that reinforced me feeling good about myself!
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post #90 of 213 (permalink) Old 09-01-2014, 06:22 PM Thread Starter
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Re: My journal-Making it about me now

I had someone who was flirting opening with me electronically. It was someone I used to know IRL, but we live apart now. I resisted at first, but after a little while flirted back. Nothing physical ever took place, and I put a stop to it because I was uncomfortable. It was at a level that I'm sure many people would not have even considered to be a threat, but I didn't like what was happening. I just liked the attention.

It gets really, really sad to not feel pretty or wanted by the man who is supposed to be your everything. Now I know why he didn't make me feel that way.
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