My journal-Making it about me now - Page 7 - Talk About Marriage
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post #91 of 213 (permalink) Old 09-01-2014, 06:26 PM
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Re: My journal-Making it about me now

It's a courageous thing to discuss. Thanks. Good luck to you.

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post #92 of 213 (permalink) Old 09-12-2014, 04:53 PM Thread Starter
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Re: My journal-Making it about me now

I'm two weeks into my new place. I'm taking it one day at a time, but definitely still reeling. I spent three days at my clinic this week; finally telling my therapist about what happened, attending my second mindfulness group class, and a follow up with the psych today to assess the sleep meds he gave me.

It's been good for me to have unbiased professionals give the feedback they have. Given the details I shared about the OW, they both told me that she's got serious issues. And the likelihood of their relationship lasting is not good. And today, the psychiatrist put down his pen when I was done talking. He leaned back in his chair and told me that I am a remarkably strong woman. He said to be in the state that I am in given all of the changes I am going through...all of the grief I am rolling in...that life holds more happiness for me than I can even imagine. It was nice to hear that from a person I've spoken to twice.

So, every day is a new challenge to get through, but I am keeping busy and finding ways to try to not be quite so sad and angry and overwhelmed. I got my treadmill set up, and am working to get my running schedule back. I also have some prepaid yoga classes I need to start using.

And most of all, I am trying to reconcile how to interact with him. Right now, it makes me physically ill when I speak to him. I am disgusted by him and what he did to me and to our family. And his deception-and his lame excuse that he was "protecting" me. It's such BS. The only person he was protecting was himself. Now that I'm not protected, I can see him for the coward and as- that he is. More than anything, THAT is what I am struggling with. I know that's going to take some time.

I've got lots of that.
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post #93 of 213 (permalink) Old 09-13-2014, 05:02 PM
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Re: My journal-Making it about me now

yes, been having dark thoghts because of my last days in my town house of 13 years. I will be alone for the first time in 14 years.
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post #94 of 213 (permalink) Old 09-14-2014, 10:18 PM Thread Starter
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Re: My journal-Making it about me now

Larky, you will be just fine. There are hard days, but be sure to lean on every resource you have, and remind yourself that it WILL get better.

Do all you can to take care of yourself-eat well, exercise if you can, do whatever you need to do for your mental health. You'll make it through.

I know the worst is not over for me, but I was alone again today, and it was actually a pretty decent day. It will get dark again, I am sure, but I know I have friends here and IRL I can turn to on those days. So do you.
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post #95 of 213 (permalink) Old 12-14-2014, 09:32 PM Thread Starter
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Re: My journal-Making it about me now

Wow, it sure has been awhile since I have been posted here!

Let's see, my new place is amazing. I am so blessed to have found a place that I can feel as cozy and safe as I do here. It's definitely been a big part of my healing.

I've been dating some, which has been a remarkable way for me to relearn some things about myself after 21 years with the same man. Dating online is so very strange in many ways, but my experiences with the men I have met in person have been good so far (knock on wood!). I'm not looking for my next husband...just figuring out what dating feels like again.

Court stuff is progressing. Against my ex's wishes, I retained an attorney. But my lawyer is reasonable, and willing to talk with us both while representing me. At the end of the day, our settlement may be very similar to what my ex is proposing, but I need someone to advocate for me. I have spent too many years letting him make financial decisions and agreeing with whatever he thinks is best. I cannot do that now.

The holidays are proving to be very difficult-Thanksgiving was exhausting for me. I cried for hours the night before and the morning of. I spent the day with my dearest friend's family, and had a lovely time. I know Christmas will be harder. I also know that this is a transition year. It is still raw. And most of all, next year will be better.

I always remind myself that it will be better.
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post #96 of 213 (permalink) Old 01-05-2015, 12:06 AM Thread Starter
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Well, I sit in my empty apartment. I hugged my son extra tightly tonight when my ex picked him up. My ex will take him to the train station tomorrow for his trip back to campus.

My holiday season is officially done.

And I made it. It sucked at points. I did the whole sobbing on the kitchen floor scene. I'm still so very sad about feeling like I was cast out of the family traditions, but I survived. I made it.

And this week, we meet with my attorney to talk over the financial details. And maybe this will be done soon.

I feel a bit melancholy now, but hopefully 2015 can bring me all of that good fresh start stuff.

I sure hope so.
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post #97 of 213 (permalink) Old 01-05-2015, 03:41 AM
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Re: My journal-Making it about me now

Too nice, thank you for all your posts, I log onto tam occasionally now when I can't sleep and almost always find a post that I can relate to and helps me.. Divorce is incredibly hard, but just like your fortune cookie said, life is like a very narrow bridge, and we have to constantly maneuver and stay alert to keep moving forward. And I think sites like this help us to do that. I appreciate your honesty, accepting that there are bad days, but also knowing there will be good days, days where you are truly thankful for everything, and can see a beautiful future stretching out before you! Best wishes to you!
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post #98 of 213 (permalink) Old 01-05-2015, 11:01 AM
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Re: My journal-Making it about me now

Too Nice, I think you're doing great! My situations similar to yet different from yours. I'm about 9 months after D Day, my WS chose to be with OM and abandoned everything and every one from her "old life" ( as we call it).

Believe me, once you get past the pain of the betrayal, the lies, and everything else, life is so much better. My daughter has a year and a half of high school left, and then the possibilities of what I am going to be able to do with my life are astounding!! We didn't choose this future, Too Nice, but we can darn sure shape it into whatever we want.

Keep doin' what you're doin'!!

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post #99 of 213 (permalink) Old 01-05-2015, 09:26 PM Thread Starter
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Re: My journal-Making it about me now

Wow...thank you both for the kind words. Sometimes I come in here and type just for the sake of typing. It's always nice to have reassurance that not only am I not alone, but also to know that someone else can relate closely to where I am.

Truly...thanks for that.

Best wishes to you as well!

Last edited by TooNice; 01-05-2015 at 10:54 PM.
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post #100 of 213 (permalink) Old 01-22-2015, 11:31 AM Thread Starter
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The paperwork is done. Stbx and I just need to stop by the lawyer's office to sign. And there is a date.

It's only four weeks away.

I have so many emotions right now.

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post #101 of 213 (permalink) Old 01-22-2015, 03:05 PM
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Re: My journal-Making it about me now

It is a shift in life. Life was a certain way, you believed when you entered the marriage, it would last a lifetime. Also, this is an ending. Even though it did not work out, it had its good moments. You are mourning for the lost potential, and the memories of the good times. There is probably some relief as well, as there is finally a resolution to this whole thing. A lot of conflicting emotions really. Acceptance is harder than most people realize.

I am such a tree hugger because it gives me wood!
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post #102 of 213 (permalink) Old 01-29-2015, 07:39 PM Thread Starter
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Re: My journal-Making it about me now

Mr. F., thank you for your post. Yes...it's all of of that. Exactly.

I know it will be ok, but the transition is still tough for all of those reasons.
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post #103 of 213 (permalink) Old 01-29-2015, 08:53 PM
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Re: My journal-Making it about me now

I remember reading your thread in the beginning and now I have just caught up on your journey. I thought at the time there was probably a "reason" you didn't know about for your husband wanting out but I said nothing because those of us who have been cheated on often see cheaters everywhere. Unfortunately, that is very often the case. I wish it were otherwise -- for all of us.

You have come a long way -- with a tremendous amount of strength and determination and grace -- and should be very, very proud of yourself for all you've accomplished.
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post #104 of 213 (permalink) Old 01-30-2015, 03:14 AM
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Re: My journal-Making it about me now

Yes it is tough. He has been part of your identity, your habits, and no matter how much he has hurt you, love takes time to fall out of. It is easier to fall in love than out of it. Your learning to be you again, and what does you entail now. Until you detach, your logica, and feelings are at odds. Eventually, the feelings do fade enough where your logical side and emotional side will line more together when it is concerning him. So, the conflict will only last as long as the feelings last. Plus, he is bringing his flaws into his new relationship. Whatever his issues are, his new partner will have to deal with it.

I am such a tree hugger because it gives me wood!
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post #105 of 213 (permalink) Old 02-06-2015, 11:00 AM Thread Starter
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Re: My journal-Making it about me now

The kindness in the words I read here means more than I can say. Thank you, all.

I have been on vacation this past week. My dearest friends moved to a warm state, so I left my cold snowy one to visit. They have had to work all week, so our evenings have been spent together. My days have been like today...relaxing in the sun next to the pool, a dog or two stretched out beside me.

It has given me the time and space I needed to clear my head about a few things. I know that I am strong, but I needed to find a way to visualize that better, so I can access that reserve when I am with him. Our divorce is final in two weeks, and I want to be strong. I want to be brave. I want to be able to tell him no when he asks for something, and not give an emotional reason why. Just no.

Strength is a funny thing...it's great while you are holding it securely, but it's scary to think that you might accidentally let go.
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