Plugging along through life, and feel the need to post some recent thoughts in my little thread.
My son has been home for the summer (from college), which has been lovely. He has spent much of his time at my house, for a variety of reasons. It has spoiled me.
My ex recently moved into a new place, and it sounds like it is nice. I know his girlfriend (the long-time OW) is with him most of the time. She spends time with my kids, and with my ex's family. That's still very difficult for me, but I am working on it. My ex has done quite a bit this summer to make me wonder how I could have been so completely blind to his deceit for so long. He is not a nice person. Kind, decent people do not treat others the way he has treated me all these years. But I am working on getting through that, too. I am over most of my feelings, but still digging through the anger of being removed from my life. Our family and joint friends... all still there... except SHE is there now and I am not. No major life changes for my ex, with the exception that he is finally free of me. And I start over. I know I am better off, and things will one day be more amazing than I can know. Still a tough transition, though.
I have had some recent realizations about dating, as well. I've had some fun, and have few regrets. I'm very choosy about who I give my time to, and I am not sorry about that. I settled for more than 20 years, and I won't do that again. I had been thinking that I may be ready for something a little more consistent (maybe serious, maybe not...?). I have two very good options right now. One is not quite ready, and I don't think he would try to make anything serious until he takes care of a couple of things he needs to do. I respect that and appreciate it. The other is a friend from long, long ago. I had no idea that he has always thought of me fondly. We lost touch for many years, and have been connected via social media for a few years. It was at the start of the summer that we saw each other again - as friends. And had our first date a few weeks ago. On our 4th date, we had some very real conversations. For the first time, I have relationship potential staring me in the face. And I am terrified.
I realize that I am not nearly ready. Not even a little. I have a million things to sort through, and I don't even know where to begin. I don't know if I am ready to stop having fun. I like meeting different men. While I long for the good parts that come with an exclusive relationship, I don't think I am ready for the parts that take work. I don't think I have what it takes to do the giving part yet. And for men who have young children... I don't know what to do with that. My ex's daughter has hurt me very, very deeply in her treatment of me (or lack thereof). She has been more than happy to walk away from me in the divorce after 21 years of being in her life. And I have no idea why. (Whatever it is, it is much deeper than loyalty to her dad. Something else happened along the years, and I have no idea what.) It adds a layer to serious dating that I did not anticipate, but thinking of being with my old friend has made me realize that I need to spend time on this.
But all of this brings me back full circle to the anger with my ex. That I am dealing with all of this and more, while he has his new little family with the OW and her young son. He gets to do family stuff with them and with our children and my inlaws, and I will be rebuilding for years to come. I know that the odds are against it lasting for him, but that brings me little comfort right now. Right now, he is happy and has a life that I need to work for and to fight for.
I will do it, and I will be better. Part of that is coming here and journaling it out a little bit. And heading back to therapy again. Just wish it were easier some days.