My journal-Making it about me now - Page 8 - Talk About Marriage
Going Through Divorce or Separation A new addition to our forums, a place to go for sharing and support for those going through divorce and separation.

User Tag List

 154Likes
 
LinkBack Thread Tools Search this Thread
post #106 of 221 (permalink) Old 02-06-2015, 11:38 AM
Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2014
Posts: 2,260
Re: My journal-Making it about me now

Quote:
Originally Posted by TooNice View Post
The kindness in the words I read here means more than I can say. Thank you, all.

I have been on vacation this past week. My dearest friends moved to a warm state, so I left my cold snowy one to visit. They have had to work all week, so our evenings have been spent together. My days have been like today...relaxing in the sun next to the pool, a dog or two stretched out beside me.

It has given me the time and space I needed to clear my head about a few things. I know that I am strong, but I needed to find a way to visualize that better, so I can access that reserve when I am with him. Our divorce is final in two weeks, and I want to be strong. I want to be brave. I want to be able to tell him no when he asks for something, and not give an emotional reason why. Just no.

Strength is a funny thing...it's great while you are holding it securely, but it's scary to think that you might accidentally let go.

Your strength is yours until you give it up. Sometimes, we are half the problem. We make declarative statements that are not true, just said with the convictions of our feelings and how we feel at the moment. If we get out of our own way, we find that we are highly more adaptable than we give ourselves credit for. Power is lost only if we give it to someone else, or other concepts. If someone believes that only that person that they are with can make them happy, then they surrender their power to that idea. Instead, have the view, whether I am single or with someone, I will make my life fulfilling.

Also, you just ended a relationship, you had to learn to be you again and single. Next time, always keep a part of you independent, and create a fulfilling life outside of a relationship as well. Some of the things that define you as you, keep parts of that as yourself.


I am such a tree hugger because it gives me wood!
Mr.Fisty is offline  
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
post #107 of 221 (permalink) Old 02-06-2015, 02:56 PM
Member
 
Regretf's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2014
Posts: 351
Re: My journal-Making it about me now

Great story. Going thru a divorce myself and the pain is unbearable sometimes. Reading your story gives me strength that one day, one fine day i will se the light at the end of the tunnel.

Thanks for sharing.
Regretf is offline  
post #108 of 221 (permalink) Old 02-08-2015, 08:23 PM Thread Starter
Member
 
TooNice's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 1,140
Re: My journal-Making it about me now

Sigh. Nothing like two steps forward, one step back.

I had to run some mail over to my ex's today. He said I could bring it whenever. I texted him to say I was coming, and he didn't answer.

I got there, and HER car was parked outside. I left the mail in his box and left, but I lost it as I drove away. It was the first time I've been faced with. Knowing she was there, as opposed to just assuming it. I didn't expect it to hit me so hard, especially when I've made such good strides.

It's just so unfair that I'm the one who has to start over. :-(

Sorry...just need to vent.
TooNice is offline  
 
post #109 of 221 (permalink) Old 02-09-2015, 06:55 AM
Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2014
Posts: 2,260
Re: My journal-Making it about me now

He is unknowingly bringing his baggage into this relationship. How often does a rebound relationship last. Anyways, you have to learn that his life is his to live, and you have to let go and whatever happens, happens. You still have an attachment to him, and that will take time to fade, but once you start really living your life for yourself, have your own friends, start making yourself a priority, you eventually will think of him less and less. Life is not always fair, but we can improve our odds for success if we invest in ourselves.

I am such a tree hugger because it gives me wood!
Mr.Fisty is offline  
post #110 of 221 (permalink) Old 02-09-2015, 08:10 AM Thread Starter
Member
 
TooNice's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 1,140
Re: My journal-Making it about me now

Quote:
Originally Posted by Mr.Fisty View Post
He is unknowingly bringing his baggage into this relationship. How often does a rebound relationship last. Anyways, you have to learn that his life is his to live, and you have to let go and whatever happens, happens. You still have an attachment to him, and that will take time to fade, but once you start really living your life for yourself, have your own friends, start making yourself a priority, you eventually will think of him less and less. Life is not always fair, but we can improve our odds for success if we invest in ourselves.
You are right about all of this, of course. I am overall, in a very good place. I have amazing friends, I am independent and strong. I know this. I'm just struck by the crappiness of it sometimes. And the nagging little fear of wondering, "what if his family [I]likes[I]her"? Or worse, what if my kids do??

I know it's unrealistic, but sometimes I just want him to understand how horrible what he did to me was.
TooNice is offline  
post #111 of 221 (permalink) Old 02-14-2015, 05:23 PM
Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2014
Posts: 2,260
Re: My journal-Making it about me now

We are our own enemy at times. Learning to deal with physical and emotional abuse since age 5, and at age 15, I had the epiphany that you can only adapt to what your circumstances are. The abuse I got was so bad that I tried committing suicide at age 10-11ish. Even though I never asked to be treated that way, it became something that I had to overcome. I allowed the way someone else treated me to take away my self worth. I chose to give it up. Being a child, I believed the horrible things that was said and enacted upon me.

You never asked for those issues, but life has handed to you it anyways. He may or may not feel remorse one day for the pain he caused, but it doesn't matter since he will not be much of a part of your life. Even though it is hard, don't focus on the things that you have no influence over. You want him to feel pain, you want him to feel the loss, and it is a reason why you have a hard time letting go. We are taught that life should be fair, and it is hard to deal with the reality when it is not.

I am such a tree hugger because it gives me wood!
Mr.Fisty is offline  
post #112 of 221 (permalink) Old 03-16-2015, 03:07 PM Thread Starter
Member
 
TooNice's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 1,140
Re: My journal-Making it about me now

This is going to be part update...part vent.

I posted elsewhere on the site that my divorce was finalized on February 20th. It was very quick and efficient and I was very strong and brave - just like I wanted to be. I spent that weekend feeling a bit shell shocked. Odd, since my life had not really changed in terms of my day to day routine. I simply have a piece of paper that says I am single now. That feeling has worn off some, and I am starting to settle into the routine of my life alone.

We do have some financial stuff that we've been needing to settle. Aside from the court system/payroll system delays of getting payments started, we had some other things to address. (Including the cost of the lawyer that I know he did not want me to get.) He sent a list; I clarified a few things. I finally got a response from him today and was disappointed in my reaction. I fear until we are done sharing any expenses with our son, I will get this sick feeling every single time we have to discuss money. It's the same feeling I got when we talked about finances when we were married. But I think it's intensified because I have learned what it feels like to NOT have that feeling. He was always so stressed about money, and projected that onto me. Now, I don't walk around feeling that way, so it feels more profound when it happens. I'm sure it will wear off, and we will settle into a routine until our son is done with college. In the meantime though...it's just...unpleasant.

In my defense, I have resisted the urge to remind him how much cheaper marriage counseling would have been.

In other news, I have been dating and enjoyed a few pleasant nights out. Hoping that with summer coming, it will bring out more opportunities for that part of my life to stay busy. I feel like I am mentally healthy in that regard. I expect the grief of losing my family (and his family) will still take some time to subside.

Overall, I feel I am doing well. My therapist even told me at my last appointment how proud she is of how far I have come. She told me I am in a much better place than when I started seeing her.

I feel it, too...even if I feel like I'm still moving in.
TooNice is offline  
post #113 of 221 (permalink) Old 03-16-2015, 08:07 PM Thread Starter
Member
 
TooNice's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 1,140
I need to add to this that he replied to our conversation and the whole exchange today has just left me feeling sad. I just wish he had some inkling of how I feel. How despite all of my friends and the good things I know I have, I still feel profoundly alone. I wish he could feel what that feels like for me.

At least it's been awhile since I've had one of these days. Silver lining, right?
TooNice is offline  
post #114 of 221 (permalink) Old 03-16-2015, 09:25 PM
Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2014
Posts: 2,260
Re: My journal-Making it about me now

Your going through a seismic change, and it will take time to adjust. It is hard being the one who is being left. It may be a bad day for you, but keep making goals and positive changes in your life. Continue working out, and keep letting that attachment to him fade. Life is not always fair, and it is really about how we adapt to the circumstances that has been presented before us. I know what it is like to be lonely. I spent most of my childhood alone. My father was an abusive alcoholic, and my mother operated on egg shells and was not there much for me. I had brothers and sisters, but we were not close. We moved around a lot. I went through 5 different elementary schools, two different middle schools, and two different high schools. When I was a child in the hospital, I remember a kind and loving nurse. She was one of the few people in my childhood, and was probably the first that I was able to open emotionally to. I remember crying the day I left the hospital, because that nurse was one of the few connections I had made as a child. I understand the lonliness that your going through, and I know it is hard. When you are ready, you will find those connections to form. The better improvements you make in yourself, the more you will not settle for less. Also, learning about having a continual open communication relationship will keep that intimacy alive.

It really is one small step at a time. Do not worry about making mistakes, it is usually the best teacher in life.

I am such a tree hugger because it gives me wood!
Mr.Fisty is offline  
post #115 of 221 (permalink) Old 08-15-2015, 02:07 PM Thread Starter
Member
 
TooNice's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 1,140
Re: My journal-Making it about me now

Plugging along through life, and feel the need to post some recent thoughts in my little thread.

My son has been home for the summer (from college), which has been lovely. He has spent much of his time at my house, for a variety of reasons. It has spoiled me. My ex recently moved into a new place, and it sounds like it is nice. I know his girlfriend (the long-time OW) is with him most of the time. She spends time with my kids, and with my ex's family. That's still very difficult for me, but I am working on it. My ex has done quite a bit this summer to make me wonder how I could have been so completely blind to his deceit for so long. He is not a nice person. Kind, decent people do not treat others the way he has treated me all these years. But I am working on getting through that, too. I am over most of my feelings, but still digging through the anger of being removed from my life. Our family and joint friends... all still there... except SHE is there now and I am not. No major life changes for my ex, with the exception that he is finally free of me. And I start over. I know I am better off, and things will one day be more amazing than I can know. Still a tough transition, though.

I have had some recent realizations about dating, as well. I've had some fun, and have few regrets. I'm very choosy about who I give my time to, and I am not sorry about that. I settled for more than 20 years, and I won't do that again. I had been thinking that I may be ready for something a little more consistent (maybe serious, maybe not...?). I have two very good options right now. One is not quite ready, and I don't think he would try to make anything serious until he takes care of a couple of things he needs to do. I respect that and appreciate it. The other is a friend from long, long ago. I had no idea that he has always thought of me fondly. We lost touch for many years, and have been connected via social media for a few years. It was at the start of the summer that we saw each other again - as friends. And had our first date a few weeks ago. On our 4th date, we had some very real conversations. For the first time, I have relationship potential staring me in the face. And I am terrified.

I realize that I am not nearly ready. Not even a little. I have a million things to sort through, and I don't even know where to begin. I don't know if I am ready to stop having fun. I like meeting different men. While I long for the good parts that come with an exclusive relationship, I don't think I am ready for the parts that take work. I don't think I have what it takes to do the giving part yet. And for men who have young children... I don't know what to do with that. My ex's daughter has hurt me very, very deeply in her treatment of me (or lack thereof). She has been more than happy to walk away from me in the divorce after 21 years of being in her life. And I have no idea why. (Whatever it is, it is much deeper than loyalty to her dad. Something else happened along the years, and I have no idea what.) It adds a layer to serious dating that I did not anticipate, but thinking of being with my old friend has made me realize that I need to spend time on this.

But all of this brings me back full circle to the anger with my ex. That I am dealing with all of this and more, while he has his new little family with the OW and her young son. He gets to do family stuff with them and with our children and my inlaws, and I will be rebuilding for years to come. I know that the odds are against it lasting for him, but that brings me little comfort right now. Right now, he is happy and has a life that I need to work for and to fight for.

I will do it, and I will be better. Part of that is coming here and journaling it out a little bit. And heading back to therapy again. Just wish it were easier some days.

TooNice is offline  
post #116 of 221 (permalink) Old 08-15-2015, 09:03 PM
Member
 
Join Date: Oct 2014
Location: Deep South
Posts: 371
Re: My journal-Making it about me now

Quote:
Originally Posted by TooNice View Post
Plugging along through life, and feel the need to post some recent thoughts in my little thread.

My son has been home for the summer (from college), which has been lovely. He has spent much of his time at my house, for a variety of reasons. It has spoiled me. My ex recently moved into a new place, and it sounds like it is nice. I know his girlfriend (the long-time OW) is with him most of the time. She spends time with my kids, and with my ex's family. That's still very difficult for me, but I am working on it. My ex has done quite a bit this summer to make me wonder how I could have been so completely blind to his deceit for so long. He is not a nice person. Kind, decent people do not treat others the way he has treated me all these years. But I am working on getting through that, too. I am over most of my feelings, but still digging through the anger of being removed from my life. Our family and joint friends... all still there... except SHE is there now and I am not. No major life changes for my ex, with the exception that he is finally free of me. And I start over. I know I am better off, and things will one day be more amazing than I can know. Still a tough transition, though.

I have had some recent realizations about dating, as well. I've had some fun, and have few regrets. I'm very choosy about who I give my time to, and I am not sorry about that. I settled for more than 20 years, and I won't do that again. I had been thinking that I may be ready for something a little more consistent (maybe serious, maybe not...?). I have two very good options right now. One is not quite ready, and I don't think he would try to make anything serious until he takes care of a couple of things he needs to do. I respect that and appreciate it. The other is a friend from long, long ago. I had no idea that he has always thought of me fondly. We lost touch for many years, and have been connected via social media for a few years. It was at the start of the summer that we saw each other again - as friends. And had our first date a few weeks ago. On our 4th date, we had some very real conversations. For the first time, I have relationship potential staring me in the face. And I am terrified.

I realize that I am not nearly ready. Not even a little. I have a million things to sort through, and I don't even know where to begin. I don't know if I am ready to stop having fun. I like meeting different men. While I long for the good parts that come with an exclusive relationship, I don't think I am ready for the parts that take work. I don't think I have what it takes to do the giving part yet. And for men who have young children... I don't know what to do with that. My ex's daughter has hurt me very, very deeply in her treatment of me (or lack thereof). She has been more than happy to walk away from me in the divorce after 21 years of being in her life. And I have no idea why. (Whatever it is, it is much deeper than loyalty to her dad. Something else happened along the years, and I have no idea what.) It adds a layer to serious dating that I did not anticipate, but thinking of being with my old friend has made me realize that I need to spend time on this.

But all of this brings me back full circle to the anger with my ex. That I am dealing with all of this and more, while he has his new little family with the OW and her young son. He gets to do family stuff with them and with our children and my inlaws, and I will be rebuilding for years to come. I know that the odds are against it lasting for him, but that brings me little comfort right now. Right now, he is happy and has a life that I need to work for and to fight for.

I will do it, and I will be better. Part of that is coming here and journaling it out a little bit. And heading back to therapy again. Just wish it were easier some days.
Too Nice - I just read your entire thread. I'm sorry you are in this place. You seem like a terrific lady.

Take this for what it is worth. I have been around the block a time or two and I have been the friend and ad hoc counselor to many...

You are still processing the death of your marriage. You are still in the anger phase. That's OK. You must feel anger in order to heal. I don't know what the bargaining phase will look like for you but eventually you will come to the blessed state of acceptance.

You have said it yourself... You have no business in any long term relationship. There is a truism that for every year of the marriage one should add a month for every year for self healing and reflection following divorce. You are only five months removed from divorce. Any LTR at this point is certain to be a rebound that could lead to more pain for you. Date yes. Relationship no. Explain it that way to these men. If they are good thinking adults they will understand.

The chance your ex husband's relationship will survive is slim. Statistics indicate that a relationship birthed out of infidelity will not survive. The chances are very remote. I have been around for six decades and I have never seen such a relationship/marriage survive. Never. You should find no joy in this. You need to work yourself to a place of indifference. At that point you will be healed.

I have some ideas about your stepdaughter but I will only post those if you ask or in a pm.

Good luck to you. You are still young and have a bright future.
Posted via Mobile Device
Absurdist is offline  
post #117 of 221 (permalink) Old 08-15-2015, 09:39 PM Thread Starter
Member
 
TooNice's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 1,140
Re: My journal-Making it about me now

Thank you, Absurdist. I will always welcome insight from others - especially those who have wisdom from experiences.

The biggest hang up I feel I have now is his relationship. While I hope for the end of it, it is not because I wish either of them ill. It is because I want us to be a family again, under our new definition of what that is. I want us to be able to be at family events and the occasional holiday together, but I will not be in the same room with her if I can help it. I am a very kind person, but she will never see kindness from me. And I don't want the people I love to see me treat someone like that. I know we will be there one day, but I feel stuck while she is in the picture. You are right. I need to find a place of indifference. That is what I need to work on.

I welcome thoughts about my SD, too. Whether it is here or in a PM. Even my son does not understand it. And give the strong independent young women she is, I am bewildered that she can be so cold to my situation. Family and friends do not understand... she has simply shut me out.

Thanks for taking the time to read my story. I know it is like many others here, but it is mine... and I am trying my best to add good chapters as I go along.
TooNice is offline  
post #118 of 221 (permalink) Old 08-20-2015, 12:58 AM
Member
 
Join Date: Oct 2014
Location: Deep South
Posts: 371
Re: My journal-Making it about me now

How are you today Too Nice? You mentioned that you were in to yoga. Have you started again? I think it would be good for you.
Posted via Mobile Device
Posted via Mobile Device
Absurdist is offline  
post #119 of 221 (permalink) Old 08-20-2015, 07:43 AM Thread Starter
Member
 
TooNice's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 1,140
Re: My journal-Making it about me now

Hi there, and thank you for checking in. I'm alright. I am in my busiest time of the year at work right now, so I've been moving too fast to notice much. My son heads back to college tomorrow, too. I will miss him, but it will help not having to interact with my ex as much. I haven't been doing yoga, but I have been carving out time to run this week. I am running my first half marathon in just over a week. I am nowhere close to being as prepared as I would like, but I signed up for it as a training run, with another half scheduled the end of next month.

Life will slow down in about six more weeks, but it will be a bumpy ride until then!
TooNice is offline  
post #120 of 221 (permalink) Old 08-30-2015, 08:07 PM Thread Starter
Member
 
TooNice's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 1,140
Re: My journal-Making it about me now

I completed my 1/2 marathon yesterday! Wow... what a feeling of accomplishment. My pace is still very slow, but my goal was to finish in three hours, and I came in 6.5 minutes shy of that!


I did a great deal of thinking after the race yesterday. I started running some while I was still married (and before I knew the marriage was over). I decided to run a half after I moved out, and enjoyed having the goal to work toward. I am not certain it is something I would have done while still with my ex, and it felt really, really good.

I also had a wonderful and long phone call with my son today. I miss him, but he loves his college, and is thrilled to be back with his friends. Makes it easier to have him away from me.

Work is still insane, but it's almost a relief to have my son back at school. I don't really have reason to communicate with my ex now, and I feel like I can settle back into my solo life. I have some relationship/dating issues that I am starting to identify now, so I suppose that is the next step in healing and moving on.

I also have another 1/2 marathon in one month, so as soon as I recover from yesterday, I need to keep up on my training for that.

All in all... not bad.
TooNice is offline  
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
Reply

Quick Reply
Message:
Options

Register Now



In order to be able to post messages on Talk About Marriage, you must first register. Please enter your desired user name, your email address and other required details in the form below.

Important! Your username will be visible to the public next to anything you post and could show up in search engines like Google. If you are concerned about anonymity, PLEASE choose a username that will not be recognizable to anyone you know.

User Name:
Password
Please enter a password for your user account. Note that passwords are case-sensitive.

Password:


Confirm Password:
Email Address
Please enter a valid email address for yourself.

Email Address:
OR

Log-in









Human Verification

In order to verify that you are a human and not a spam bot, please enter the answer into the following box below based on the instructions contained in the graphic.



Thread Tools Search this Thread
Show Printable Version Show Printable Version
Email this Page Email this Page
Search this Thread:

Advanced Search



Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Forum Replies Last Post
NoWhere's Journal NoWhere Going Through Divorce or Separation 540 11-14-2013 01:59 PM
Very's journal thing. Very Going Through Divorce or Separation 7 06-29-2013 11:14 PM
Journal SIP Coping with Infidelity 2 07-29-2011 08:58 AM

Posting Rules  
You may post new threads
You may post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off

 
For the best viewing experience please update your browser to Google Chrome