My journal-Making it about me now - Talk About Marriage
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post #1 of 207 (permalink) Old 03-18-2014, 07:42 PM Thread Starter
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My journal-Making it about me now

Brief recap... Some of you have read my other posts, but I like how some other people here have journal threads to update or vent or just be sad or happy.

My husband of almost 20 years and I have had many challenges to overcome, and victories to celebrate. Unfortunately, we didn't always approach things the best way and have drifted apart in ways that he thinks we cannot fix. I would be willing to work-I still love him with all my heart, but I am starting to wrap my brain around the thought that he passed the willing to work stage years ago.

As of now, we are not planning to file paperwork or live separately anytime soon. That may change, we just don't know right now. He has been in IC for the first time in his life, and I think he needs to continue that before we do anything else. I started IC myself this past week. I've been in IC before, but this time, it's just to help me focus on being strong and navigating through this process.

I have been making exercise a top priority and took my first yoga class tonight. It was oddly emotional and powerful for me. It seems fitting that my request for a name change came through today. When I signed up, I registered as Bothtoonice, because my H and I are where we are because we were both too "nice" to make it hard for each other and do what needed to be done. But now, it's about me. So I asked for a change. I dropped the "both".

So, I don't know what happens next. And as of this moment (after sweating my brains out for an hour of zen), I feel sort of ok with that. Things are going to progress how they will progress, and I will control what I can, and ride out what I can't. And I'll probably come here to talk about it when I need to.

I am inspired by the number of people here going through the same stages and thank each of you for sharing your stories, too. We aren't alone. And we will be just fine.

So yeah...welcome to my thread.

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post #2 of 207 (permalink) Old 03-18-2014, 09:39 PM
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Re: My journal-Making it about me now

the "not being willing to work at it" thing is about him, not you. It is about his struggles in his own head. Not something you can change.

Only thing you have control over is your own reactions, and even then, "control" is a hard term. You may have to let go of that notion. What you will need is a centeredness, something that comes out of a deeper place than will-power to control things or unconsciously doing it.

You need that zen thing...your marriage is dead it sounds like. Best to admit it. I have found a release, personally, in just that admission. Less anxious to try to make it work, to fix it, and no rush to beat up on the dead thing either. If it can come alive again, that is out of your control too. You can only work on becoming more centered and attuned to something that can help you respond and act in ways that are profoundly freeing because they will not come out of an anxiousness and fear, but out of something freer in you.
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post #3 of 207 (permalink) Old 03-19-2014, 11:36 AM Thread Starter
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Re: My journal-Making it about me now

You are right on all counts, Arendt! That's why I'm changing it up and making it about me. For the first time in months, I feel like I've got somewhat of a handle on this.
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post #4 of 207 (permalink) Old 03-21-2014, 09:23 PM Thread Starter
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Re: My journal-Making it about me now

Ug. Things have been normal day to day here. Tonight, however, the rest of the house is on a college trip. It's my first time in the house alone overnight since H told me our marriage can't be saved.
I had dinner plans, came home after and sat in the car for 20 minutes because I didn't want to come in. Seems so silly.
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post #5 of 207 (permalink) Old 03-21-2014, 11:48 PM
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Re: My journal-Making it about me now

Two sibling kittens would be great to come home to! And it is kitten season!!

"Why, when we could live our lives in a flower-filled paradise, do we all prefer to weep, suffer, and get lost in a maelstrom of passion and fury, torturing ourselves in the flames of hell?" ~ Miyamoto Musashi
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post #6 of 207 (permalink) Old 03-22-2014, 03:31 PM Thread Starter
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Re: My journal-Making it about me now

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Two sibling kittens would be great to come home to! And it is kitten season!!
You know, the day may come when that will be a viable option!
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post #7 of 207 (permalink) Old 03-23-2014, 12:51 PM Thread Starter
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Re: My journal-Making it about me now

I'm just going to vent here. I know what is right, and I will not waver from that. BUT... H has not been "into" me in years. He doesn't compliment me, he doesn't flirt with me-he's just not at that place with me. It led to some behavior I am not proud of a few years ago, when I did have someone express interest in me. It felt so good to have someone tell me things that reinforced me feeling good about myself! I realized how much I was missing that. And if I have to be honest with myself, it is one of the things I am really missing in my marriage, and I know H can't provide for me. When he says I deserve to be happy, I know that is one of the things I deserve.

Having said that...It really sucks to go out with my friends and feel pretty great about myself overall... And know that I can't openly flirt and really let myself have fun (just fun-I'm not interested in being easy or anything!) for who knows how long. I have no idea right now when I will be divorced. It's just such a weird limbo place to be.

And it's really bizarre that while I do not want my marriage to end, I do feel ready to have a little fun.

I should probably mark this as a therapy item. ��
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post #8 of 207 (permalink) Old 03-23-2014, 01:02 PM
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Re: My journal-Making it about me now

Thinking about ending a marriage and actually doing it are a world apart in reality.

When you end a marriage, whether it's been good, bad, or mediocre, it is a death, and you do grieve. It is painful.

You may really want to consider a 6 month separation first; you can't miss someone when they are sitting right in front of you.

Doing that may give you and him the time to make an informed decision.
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post #9 of 207 (permalink) Old 03-23-2014, 01:10 PM Thread Starter
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Re: My journal-Making it about me now

He's already decided, indie. My path has been to focus on me and getting through his decision as a strong healthy person ready to face this when it comes.

I don't get to decide in this one, and believe me, I've expressed to him how $hitty that is. We just can't logistically do anything about it right now, so we are taking time to make it all happen as smoothly as we can. But it puts me in a really weird spot for moving on, you know? I'm trying to figure out how life will be as a divorced person, while still acting like a married person. It's weird.
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post #10 of 207 (permalink) Old 03-23-2014, 01:38 PM
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Re: My journal-Making it about me now

IT is tough to o through it how your are going through it. Major reason my husband is not living here is because he pushes my buttons and I let him by reacting. so it wasn't a healthy dynamic at all. If you guy can keep the peace, then good, but it is also making it hard because you see him all the time.

Im also not going to tell you to stay or go because I don't know your situation. Im am pro marriage, and I honestly would have dealt with my husband forever if it were not for me not being enough for him and the lies. NO MARRIAGE IS PERFECT! they all take work, commitment, and honesty. I honestly grieved more for the loss of my marriage than the loss of him.

If you guys can work it out then go for it. IF not then you know what to do.

Im here for you

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post #11 of 207 (permalink) Old 03-24-2014, 09:46 PM Thread Starter
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Re: My journal-Making it about me now

I'm having a really rough day today, but I'm not sure why. Just one of those out-of-the-blue emotional days, I guess. I've been a little worked up all day, and by the time I left work, was just feeling very alone and hurt and betrayed. And angry again. I had yoga tonight, so that helped some.

H and I got Chinese food last night... With fortune cookies, of course. How's this for signs?
Mine: The whole world is a narrow bridge; the important thing is not to be afraid.
His: The opposite of love is not hate. It is indifference.

Yeah...I just saw his tonight. That didn't help. At all.

I'm still just really pissed. Pissed that our marriage ends because he says so. Pissed that we let it get to a point that is deemed by either of us to be unfixable. Pissed that we can't logistically do anything about it right now and I have to keep up this charade. And I'm worried that he's waiting for me to get to a point where I will make a move, so he doesn't have to. We are living in this awful limbo world right now, and I just don't know how long I can keep it up. But since I didn't choose to say it's over, I won't be the one to do anything about it.

I guess I'm just really mad tonight.

Hopefully tomorrow will be a better day.
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post #12 of 207 (permalink) Old 03-27-2014, 06:28 PM Thread Starter
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Re: My journal-Making it about me now

I hate days like today. Days when I feel mostly ok, and out of the blue, the pain just starts to well up. It builds and builds, and I shove it back down...just praying I can make it home without bursting into tears in the grocery store or walking down the street. Days when I walk through the door and just crumble into sobs. I so dread these days.
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post #13 of 207 (permalink) Old 03-27-2014, 10:14 PM
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Re: My journal-Making it about me now

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I hate days like today. Days when I feel mostly ok, and out of the blue, the pain just starts to well up. It builds and builds, and I shove it back down...just praying I can make it home without bursting into tears in the grocery store or walking down the street. Days when I walk through the door and just crumble into sobs. I so dread these days.
Im sorry tooNice. This really stinks. I don't even know what to say to you because your still living with him. Do you want to save your marriage?
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post #14 of 207 (permalink) Old 03-27-2014, 10:22 PM Thread Starter
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Re: My journal-Making it about me now

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Do you want to save your marriage?
More than anything, mishu. But it takes two.
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post #15 of 207 (permalink) Old 03-27-2014, 10:29 PM
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Re: My journal-Making it about me now

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More than anything, mishu. But it takes two.
Yes you are right.... maybe its time to make the move... show him you will take the first step and file....maybe that will scare him into figuring things out... What else have you thought of? I know this is so terribly hard.... but you are both in limbo, and yours is hell because your limbo is not a chosen one....
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