marksaysay

My wife of 10years said yesterday after 2 weeks of separation and my pleading that because of several years of emotional neglect that she wanted to end our relationship. After more talking, she said that while she has love for me, she's not in love with me anymore because I stopped being the person she fell in love with. She said I stopped having fun and that she's too young (33) not to have fun. She says because of what she's gone through she now wants to see what else is out there. I told her that I can be that person again if given the opportunity. She stated she doesn't think I can. When asked about her hanging out with other guys, she said it's not about sex or commitment, she just wants to have fun. I then asked if we could go out and try to reconnect and she said yes, but she still wanted to see what's out there. She says that she still wants me at family functions. My take is that she extremely hurt from the years of emotional neglect and that while she still loves me, she wants me to show her and prove to her that I can be that person she fell in lve with. It is my firm belief that, while she may 'hang out', with other guys, I have to win her back and that during this time, she will get over her hurt, realize that the other guys are really not what she wants, and that she still loves me. We also agreed not to divorce, but to seperate. What do you all think?
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Amplexor

She wants to test the waters and keep you as a security net. She is holding all the cards and leveraging your love for her to have a "sanctioned" fling with some one else. Let her know if she wants to "date" around she will need to be on her own. Read Dobson's "Love Must be Tough". If she needs time away, that's OK, if she needs time to see you you and her might work things out, that's OK. If she wants to see other men, that's not. Pure and simple.

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Confidence – Love – Patience – Faith Are the tools to help heal a marriage.

"Some of the greatest lessons life has taught me came from my darkest days in it" -Amp

marksaysay

What do mean she needs to be on her own? I told her that I wasn't really ok with it, but she is adamant about it. But I believe her when she says it's not about sex or seeking another relationship, because it took her several months to allow me to be intimate with her. I'm afraid that if I demand that she not see other people during our separation, she will totally shut off any opportunity I have at a reconnection.

BigBadWolf

The woman, she is not wanting to be "on her own", she is wanting to be with another man.

A woman in an affair, there is nothing to be gained by believing the words coming from her mouth, they cannot be trusted.

It is your best interest to read this forum on these threads, after a few hundred you will see the same pattern.

"I love you but not in love with you" = affair man.

"I don't love you anymore" = affair man.

"I need space" = affair man.

"I want to be on my own" = affair man.

"I want to see what else is out there" = affair man.

"I think we should see other people" = affair man.


Get this, REALLY GET THIS, there is already someone else.

Do not be the "nice guy" about this.

Do not think you can win your woman back from being friendly or encouraging this affair.

Just as a drug addict, do NOT be her enabling with an affair addiction.

THe cure for affairs, it is always this: To fight, and fight hard.

Do not be nice. INstead, be more selfish than you ever dreamed.

Do not give her space, instead, demand she stop the affair, attend marriage counceling, else tell her when your lawyer will contact her regarding the divorce proceedings.

This sounds harsh, because it is harsh. But it is the ONLY way to save any marriage when the affair man is driving the wedge between you and your woman.

Fight, and fight hard!

Stop deceiving yourself, being "understanding" about your woman's affair, like trying to be "unerstanding" of a heroine addict about to jump off a building roof.

The only way, fight, and fight hard!

I wish you well.

Amplexor

By saying you "aren't really OK" with it you are condoning it in her mind. Again, she wants to explore relationships with other men. Do you really want to be "Column B"?

Your logic makes no sense. She didn't allow you to be intimate with you for months because she had no sexual or emotional connection with you. That may not be the case with some one else, whether she is willing to admit that to herself or not.


And why would that be a bad thing? She is not respecting you, she is taking advantage of you. If you want save your marriage you will have to do it together, not by dating around. That's a recipe for disaster. If she wants to go out and enjoy the single life tell her to do it without you. You'll move on. You might be surprised at her response all though there is a risk involved. Read "Love Must be Tough".

__________________
Amp

Confidence – Love – Patience – Faith Are the tools to help heal a marriage.

"Some of the greatest lessons life has taught me came from my darkest days in it" -Amp

lobokies

mark...

have you checked her email, phone or maybe you could take a time to spy on her ... change car and follow her when she hangs out.

you have to prove that she is/not in affair.

marksaysay

By going the tough love route, I will be doing the very thing that caused her to distance herself from me in the first place, worrying only about myself. I want to save my marriage, not push her farther away. I and my wife are both Christians, and I believe that what God joins together, nothing can separate. I believe that because God has joined us, he will prevent her from gaining the enjoyment she seeks by "hanging out" with other guys. I believe that he will allow her to heal during this time apart. I believe that he well allow me to work on my issues, making me a more suitable mate for my wife.

marksaysay

QUOTE=lobokies;196820]mark...

have you checked her email, phone or maybe you could take a time to spy on her ... change car and follow her when she hangs out.

you have to prove that she is/not in affair.[/QUOTE]

yes, i have check all of the above. What I found was messages to several guys on facebook, via text, and all sorts of other things. While I would that she have no contact with other men, the fact that it's been with several and not just one leads me to believe that she's taking out her frustration because of all I've put her through. This is simply not her character. Maybe it is a lost cause that I'm trying to hold on to, but I believe in my heart that this is a storm in the life of two people joined by God that will subside with time. I truely believe this.

Amplexor

When my marriage nearly failed I relied of faith also. But not in a blind faith that God would sort it all out in the end. My faith relied on my prayers for strength and wisdom in a time I felt I had little of either. I applaud your faith, however there is also the reality of the situation and that is that your wife is not honoring her marriage. To be wed means to forsake all others, something she is not willing to do. And from your description of her FB communications, she has already betrayed that vow. If you standing up for your rights, religious beliefs and personal values pushes her away then so be it. You can work on your self, improve your marriage and become a better man without giving in to her behavior that undermines the marriage. What she is doing is not helpful to the marriage. It is an exit strategy.

__________________
Amp

Confidence – Love – Patience – Faith Are the tools to help heal a marriage.

"Some of the greatest lessons life has taught me came from my darkest days in it" -Amp

sms

"Love Must be Tough" where can i find this?

marksaysay

Update: I just left my house and told my wife that I could not accept the fact that she wanted to go out with other guys while she wanted to see if we could work on us. She said that she would not stop and that she would just procede with the divorce process. It wasn't hard as I thought it would be to do. I do know that just because the divorce process might get rolling, there still will be a chance she might come out of this fog and that we can reconnect. If it doesnt happen, I'm ok with that. It felt good to look her in the eyes and say that I wasn't gonna give in to her demands. We'll see what happens as I continue to pray.

Amplexor

Amazon.com

__________________
Amp

Confidence – Love – Patience – Faith Are the tools to help heal a marriage.

"Some of the greatest lessons life has taught me came from my darkest days in it" -Amp

Amplexor

Excellent! That is the concept of LMBT. You've stood up for yourself, your moral code and your marriage. It will be difficult at times but stay the course. It is the best chance you have. Congrats.

__________________
Amp

Confidence – Love – Patience – Faith Are the tools to help heal a marriage.

"Some of the greatest lessons life has taught me came from my darkest days in it" -Amp

the guy

My wife had multi affairs with multi guy, it sound like your wife is not there, but could be on her way.
I let my wifes behavior progress throught out the years and dismissed her and the marraige. I had money to make.
You have done the right thing, I should of done it 13 years ago. I watched my W's emotional deteriate. You have a choice know.