my wife left and I'm devastated
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Old 10-19-2010, 06:44 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Default my wife left and I'm devastated

I have been married for 17 years. I met my wife 21 years ago and we moved in together shortly thereafter. I honestly love her more now that when we first married. 7 weeks ago she told me she was moving out and into a house with someone else. It could take several weeks as there were renovations to complete. The reason were pretty common: I wasn't interested in her friends or activities and I was too temperamental, taking my job frustrations out on the family. I took immediate responsibility for everything. There is no abuse in this relatinship, that is no physical, alcohol or drug abuse and no infidelity. I asked her to please go to counselling with me but she said no as it was too late.
I am going to therapy anyway. Meanwhile she continued to live in our house as though nothing has happened. No packing. Doing her laundry. Watching TV. Going to work. After 3 weeks my son and daughter an I sat her down and asked her to please do the right thing and move out now. It was a family decision. Watching her come and go everyday, leaving to be with "him" and work on her new house was like reliving the whole ordeal every single day. Not healthy for anyone. She agreed tearfully and packed some clothes to go to her Dad's. That was a weekg ago. She's still there and has packed no more items. She sas she wants nothing but her personal items and things she inherited from her Mom. She awants the kids to stay with me because I offer more stability and she knows they are in great hands.
A couple of days ago I suffered a major anxiety attack and was taken from work to hospital with a suspected heart attack. I was given a sedative and when I awoke there she was standing next to me. She was a wreck. She held my hand. She cried. My kids and family said she was white as a ghost when she heard the news. She didn't take it well at all. Eventually she left because she felt having her there was making me worse.
She has avoided talking to anyone that might tell her she's making a mistake. Sh'es alienated her own adult stepson. She didn't seek out advice from her two sisters or her fater or her best friend. It appears the only person she has ever confided in is "him". He's an alcoholic, chronically unemployed, chainsmoker who has had affairs with no less than 3 married women in the past 2 years. He lost his license for impaired driving. I am at complete loss to figure this relationship out. My wife is beautiful ( to me at least), bright, a Girl Guides leader, community volunteer...a truly great lady.
I believe this is a classic mid-life crisis scenario. I still take my share of the blame for her unhappiness, but only my share. I think ( as does my counsellor, who met her for one session when she agreed to " go for me" ) she has a lot of issues that have nothing to do with me at all.
I'm not sure why I'm telling this story other than the idea that others have gone through the same things is somehow comforting.
Update:

It took her more than 4 weeks, but d-day has finally arrived. She dropped off some boxes this morning and there's more in her van. I made one more appeal to her sense of right and conscience. I tried to explain that she is on the verge of making a huge mistake she will regret the rest of her life. Her relationship with our kids will never be the same. I appealed to her to do the right thing and try again for the kid's sake. No response. I guess it just has to happen. I know I'm grasping at straws but I can't help thinking that the guilt and strain ( not to mention financial pressures) of finally, physically moving out and into a new house with another man will catch up to her. Nothing sh'e done up til now has been logical or rational so I'm probably delusional.

Update:
My wife has been coming to the house daily now for a week. She always has an excuse like checking for mail or picking up some small item. I told her a long time ago I would text her any time she has mail. She always stays longer than necessary, including a 2 1/2 hour visit this week to check her e-mail and pick up two small boxes of kids' craft supplies she needed for a project. She walks about the house looking at her things, but never removing any. She hasn't taken anything except a couple of DVD's for weeks.
I'm cautious about getting my hopes up, but this doesn't look at all like someone who doesn't want to be here. She's lost a little weight which I complimented her on. In the next few minutes she bent over in front of me in her tight jeans about 5 times " looking" for something. My wife has a chronically bad back....missing two vertebrae. It causes her great pain to bend at the waist and always has.
Something's up.
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Old 10-19-2010, 09:03 PM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: my wife left and I'm devastated

Its sounds like your W is hanging out for the same reason she wants you to keep the kids, stablity and security.
She is in a fog and is enjoying the fantasy of "him" , but deep down she knows who the better person is (YOU). She sounds like she is addicted to "him" but knows where to go to feel safe and secure.
There may be some hope for this marriage, if only she stops all contact with "him".
Good luck, on the whole balancing act between not pushing her away and maintaining your self respect.
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Old 10-19-2010, 09:13 PM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: my wife left and I'm devastated

She's going out of town to visit with her sisters on Thursday then on to Toronto for a 3 day convention . That's 4 days away from "him". I'll take whatever I can get. Our daughter is at the point where she doesn't really want to talk to her Mom anymore. This has to be killing my wife. I am trying my best to be patient as ther's not much I can do anyway. The decision to come back has to be hers. This is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
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Old 10-19-2010, 09:26 PM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: my wife left and I'm devastated

K,
Most of us here are also dealing with the hardest thing in our lives.
I'm sure you've checked out some of the other threads on this site and the stuggle we all go through.
You are not alone and there are folk that have some good advice.
Is d-day finalized?
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Old 10-19-2010, 11:54 PM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: my wife left and I'm devastated

Wow!
It is just so strange when we live our lives and survive by using our intellects and commom sense. Then we have realationships and I almost think you have to be in some sort of phsycosis to survive one. I worked in the same company with why ex-wife for 4 years. In that time she was raped by a freak that assaulted 8 women over 5 years before he was caught. She was divorced with 2 kids, 13 and 8. Her ex was a looser. I started dating her 3 years after her rape. She got pregnent with me and I married her 6 months prior to her giving birth to the most perfect little boy. We all moved in together and life was good. Her 13 year old daughter decided I was the evil step dad and my wife left me after 2 years of marrige. I neber did anything but love them. It is only now that I realize she is suffering from a mental disorder. Us hurt men that have done nothing wrong have to start understanding we did nothing wrong. We have to love ourselves. If we don't they will shorten our lives by 5 years at least from stress. Love yourself man. It is just sick that there are so many fine women out there that would love to have us. Someone to trust unconditionally till death. Love her children forever too. Ours or not. We just got unlucky I guess. Hang in there and trust yourself and God.
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Old 10-20-2010, 12:25 AM   #6 (permalink)
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Cool I have always tried to fix women - Wrong move!

Wow!
It is just so strange when we live our lives and survive by using our intellects and commom sense. Then we have realationships and I almost think you have to be in some sort of phsycosis to survive one. I worked in the same company with my ex-wife for 4 years. In that time she was raped by a freak that assaulted 8 women over 5 years before he was caught. She was divorced with 2 kids, 13 and 8. Her ex was a looser. I started dating her 3 years after her rape. She got pregnent with me and I married her 6 months prior to her giving birth to the most perfect little boy. We all moved in together and life was good. Her 13 year old daughter decided I was the evil step dad and my wife left me after 2 years of marrige. I never did anything but love them and I am not just saying that. I tried and I was the perfect Dad and Husband. It is only now that I realize she was suffering from a mental disorder as a result of her tramatic assault. Once she realized she had the power to cause me close to the same level of pain that she had suffered and was still suffering I was screwed. She never sought mental help for her attack and she buried it deep inside. The first time she hurt me deeply and I cried out loud I saw a look in her eye that scared me as much as anything I had ever gone thru. I was a extreme skier and had jumped off 100 foot cliffs and broke my neck and shoulder and knee and arm so I knew what physical pain was. Us hurt men that have done nothing wrong have to start understanding we did nothing wrong. We have to love ourselves. If we don't they will shorten our lives by 5 years at least from stress. Love yourself man. It is just sick that there are so many fine women out there that would love to have us. Someone to trust unconditionally till death. Love her children forever too. Ours or not. We just got unlucky I guess. Hang in there and trust yourself and God.
Earthmike
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Old 10-20-2010, 06:18 AM   #7 (permalink)
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Default Re: my wife left and I'm devastated

Quote:
Originally Posted by the guy View Post
K,
Most of us here are also dealing with the hardest thing in our lives.
I'm sure you've checked out some of the other threads on this site and the stuggle we all go through.
You are not alone and there are folk that have some good advice.
Is d-day finalized?
I have no idea if d-day is finalized. I mean she is actually living in the new place, but she's never taken any of the things she asked for, only her clothes and toiletries. It's like she uses our house like a storage locker. She's always coming here (every single day) if she needs to use the computer or get some little item she needs for work. She has no phone, computer or TV and no money. She's overdrawn to the max on her accounts and had her hours slashed to part-time at work. "HE" has nothing and appears to contribute nothing. She was given free rent for two months in exchange for the work he did in removating the house. The first of Dec rent and utilities will be due and there is no way she will be able to handle it. Electric heat in an old rickety farmhouse will cost a fortune alone. He doesn't work. He just does odd jobs to get enough money to drink on the weekend.
My honest and most objective opinion is that she still loves me, misses the kids, the house and her pets immensely, but is far too proud and stubborn to admit she made a mistake. I am hopeful she will start therapy soon at my and her family's urging. If her doctor can get her to resume taking the anti-depressants she was originally prescribed she mught actually start to see things more clearly.
She and I have problems, but they can be worked out IMO. She has thrown out the baby with the bathwater. I have not encountered one person, friend ( hers or mine), family ( hers or mine) that supports her decision or saw this coming.
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Old 10-20-2010, 10:28 AM   #8 (permalink)
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Default Re: my wife left and I'm devastated

Does she still have keys to your house? Why is she allowed to come and go as she pleases. I ask this because as someone pointed out you are the security and safety for her. But you aren't the emotional and physical outlet for her. Since it was her decision to leave -- get the keys back. This is a consequence for her action of leaving -- she forfeits the right of access to the family home.

When doing something like this -- getting the keys back or changing the locks it always needs to be framed as "I want us to work on our marriage and be together, but until you are not involved with another man that is not possible so you are not allowed access to the family home whenever you like. This is a consequence of your actions".

If she doesn't have keys, then forget my thoughts.
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Old 10-20-2010, 11:15 AM   #9 (permalink)
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... getting the keys back or changing the locks it always needs to be framed. ...
Changing the locks, even if you tell her you are going to do it, becomes a legal issue that can be used against you. Everything else I feel is spot on however. She is using your family and your marital home as an escape, and that cannot continue.
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Old 10-20-2010, 04:36 PM   #10 (permalink)
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Default Re: my wife left and I'm devastated

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Does she still have keys to your house? Why is she allowed to come and go as she pleases. I ask this because as someone pointed out you are the security and safety for her. But you aren't the emotional and physical outlet for her. Since it was her decision to leave -- get the keys back. This is a consequence for her action of leaving -- she forfeits the right of access to the family home.

When doing something like this -- getting the keys back or changing the locks it always needs to be framed as "I want us to work on our marriage and be together, but until you are not involved with another man that is not possible so you are not allowed access to the family home whenever you like. This is a consequence of your actions".

If she doesn't have keys, then forget my thoughts.
She does still have her keys and where we live I cannot lock her out. She still owns half the house. This isn't about trust. I trust her not to rip me off. I agree it's about principles. I'm not happy that she comes and goes as she pleases. She seems to be having her cake and eating it too. She doesn't want to live here, but still wants to enjoy the benefits of being married to me. I admit it's a delicate situation. I don't want to antagonize her as I'm hopeful there is still love here. That saaid I can't let her walk all over me either.
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Old 10-20-2010, 11:13 PM   #11 (permalink)
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Default Re: my wife left and I'm devastated

I am an idiot with computers. I wrote about my situation but I have no idea if anyone saw it or read it. Did I not pui it in the right place?
Earthmike
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Old 10-21-2010, 10:18 AM   #12 (permalink)
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I am an idiot with computers. I wrote about my situation but I have no idea if anyone saw it or read it. Did I not pui it in the right place?
Earthmike

Earthmike: All of your posts are within this one thread. Typically members focus on the original posters story only. You could ask a mod to move your posts to your own thread, or just re-post what you'd like in your own thread.
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Old 10-21-2010, 12:39 PM   #13 (permalink)
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Default Re: my wife left and I'm devastated

KRinOnt,

She may legally own half the house, but she choose to leave. Always remember that. Antagonize her? Probably will. But again she choose to leave she shouldn't get to eat her cake and have you for security. It makes you look weak -- she will lose respect for you. You can't be worried about making her mad about the consequences of her own actions. That is her issue.

Believe me I understand your perspective. You don't want to make her "mad at you" -- that seems counterintuitive. But standing up for yourself is a good thing and if she gets mad at you for blocking access to the family home -- that is her issue and again the result of her actions, not yours. You must always think of it in that light. She moved out -- not you.

Do you have keys to her new place? I bet not. How is that fair. She has secrecy and you don't?

Again, if you decide to take the first step in reclaiming her respect and block her access to the familial home, you don't do it in an angry way you simply say since you decided to move out and I do not have access to your place, then I request your keys to the house. I'd love to grant you access anytime you want, but only when you are not involved with another man and are willing to work on our marriage with me.

Again, just my thoughts. Do with them what you will.
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Old 10-21-2010, 04:22 PM   #14 (permalink)
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Default Re: my wife left and I'm devastated

I can't argue with your logic
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Old 10-21-2010, 05:45 PM   #15 (permalink)
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Default Re: my wife left and I'm devastated

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