Join Date: Oct 2010
Location: eastern ontario canada
my wife left and I'm devastated
I have been married for 17 years. I met my wife 21 years ago and we moved in together shortly thereafter. I honestly love her more now that when we first married. 7 weeks ago she told me she was moving out and into a house with someone else. It could take several weeks as there were renovations to complete. The reason were pretty common: I wasn't interested in her friends or activities and I was too temperamental, taking my job frustrations out on the family. I took immediate responsibility for everything. There is no abuse in this relatinship, that is no physical, alcohol or drug abuse and no infidelity. I asked her to please go to counselling with me but she said no as it was too late.
I am going to therapy anyway. Meanwhile she continued to live in our house as though nothing has happened. No packing. Doing her laundry. Watching TV. Going to work. After 3 weeks my son and daughter an I sat her down and asked her to please do the right thing and move out now. It was a family decision. Watching her come and go everyday, leaving to be with "him" and work on her new house was like reliving the whole ordeal every single day. Not healthy for anyone. She agreed tearfully and packed some clothes to go to her Dad's. That was a weekg ago. She's still there and has packed no more items. She sas she wants nothing but her personal items and things she inherited from her Mom. She awants the kids to stay with me because I offer more stability and she knows they are in great hands.
A couple of days ago I suffered a major anxiety attack and was taken from work to hospital with a suspected heart attack. I was given a sedative and when I awoke there she was standing next to me. She was a wreck. She held my hand. She cried. My kids and family said she was white as a ghost when she heard the news. She didn't take it well at all. Eventually she left because she felt having her there was making me worse.
She has avoided talking to anyone that might tell her she's making a mistake. Sh'es alienated her own adult stepson. She didn't seek out advice from her two sisters or her fater or her best friend. It appears the only person she has ever confided in is "him". He's an alcoholic, chronically unemployed, chainsmoker who has had affairs with no less than 3 married women in the past 2 years. He lost his license for impaired driving. I am at complete loss to figure this relationship out. My wife is beautiful ( to me at least), bright, a Girl Guides leader, community volunteer...a truly great lady.
I believe this is a classic mid-life crisis scenario. I still take my share of the blame for her unhappiness, but only my share. I think ( as does my counsellor, who met her for one session when she agreed to " go for me" ) she has a lot of issues that have nothing to do with me at all.
I'm not sure why I'm telling this story other than the idea that others have gone through the same things is somehow comforting.
It took her more than 4 weeks, but d-day has finally arrived. She dropped off some boxes this morning and there's more in her van. I made one more appeal to her sense of right and conscience. I tried to explain that she is on the verge of making a huge mistake she will regret the rest of her life. Her relationship with our kids will never be the same. I appealed to her to do the right thing and try again for the kid's sake. No response. I guess it just has to happen. I know I'm grasping at straws but I can't help thinking that the guilt and strain ( not to mention financial pressures) of finally, physically moving out and into a new house with another man will catch up to her. Nothing sh'e done up til now has been logical or rational so I'm probably delusional.
My wife has been coming to the house daily now for a week. She always has an excuse like checking for mail or picking up some small item. I told her a long time ago I would text her any time she has mail. She always stays longer than necessary, including a 2 1/2 hour visit this week to check her e-mail and pick up two small boxes of kids' craft supplies she needed for a project. She walks about the house looking at her things, but never removing any. She hasn't taken anything except a couple of DVD's for weeks.
I'm cautious about getting my hopes up, but this doesn't look at all like someone who doesn't want to be here. She's lost a little weight which I complimented her on. In the next few minutes she bent over in front of me in her tight jeans about 5 times " looking" for something. My wife has a chronically bad back....missing two vertebrae. It causes her great pain to bend at the waist and always has.