healingme

He went to Mum's house yesterday to see my sister and her family who have been away for 2 years. They all ended up drunk (not Mum of course) and he wound up staying the night.

He told Mum he was concerned because I have no money, but that I wouldn't take the money he offered me. He said he had traditional beliefs that the man should look after the woman financially if need be. He said he believed that the woman shouldn't have to live like that. When Mum told me this today, I said "why is it not ok by him for me to be living with such little money, but it seemed perfectly ok by him for me to be living with frustration, to be lonely, to be so unhappy and for him to put me on the back burner behind everyone else because being popular with the masses is more important to him than being number one in my life?"

Just before we broke up, he wanted to go and stay in a hotel with me for his birthday. I told him I didn't want to because we were in such trouble that we weren't even staying in the same room together. He'd just gotten his tax refund and he actually said, smiling, "I've got two thousand reasons for you to change your mind." I said "do you really think money is more important to me than this? You really don't know me."

Why can't he get the emotional side of marriage? Why is it all about financial security? What is it about showing and telling emotions that is so foreign to him? Human beings are emotional beings. If I can recognise my feelings, allow myself to feel them and verbalise them, why can't he?

healingme

I am actually asking for some help here. These aren't rhetorical questions.

Blanca

i think you're going to have to widen your horizon a little. you've got emotional tunnel vision. financial security is extremely emotional- fear, pride, joy, satisfaction, purpose. those are strong emotions. It sounds like acceptance is also a strong emotion for him. He's showing you his pride, joy, purpose, fears and fulfillment when he talks about taking care of you and offering you money. He's trying to offer you security. He's trying to connect with you. You're just not getting it.

He's not getting you either. You both know what you want, but neither of you is able to "get" the other person. Instead of saying he's not showing any emotion, try and ask yourself what emotion is he showing. You might not like his emotions and how he shows it, but that's a different story.

__________________


"I'm a lover of what is, not because I'm a spiritual person, but because it hurts when I argue with reality."
- Bryon Katie

healingme

Thanks Blanca. It helps to see things from another perspective, and what you have said makes sense. Money is a language I don't truly get, although I get the importance of it, I can't help but feel frustrated that he would be more willing to display his caring for me by buying stuff than by actually going the hard yards and talking about our issues. Surely if he's willing to make financial gestures he can stretch it to actually using his brain and his heart and learn a more straightforward way of communicating an emotion than by some financial code I have to break? I've told him every step of the way how I felt. I've broken it down for him so he can understand. I could not have been more clear. There's no mystery here.

My father and I communicated by food. It would go like this:

Dad: "You know what I'd really like? Some of the carrot cake you make." Translation: I am reaching out to you and letting you know that you are special to me.

Me: "With extra cinnamon and no walnuts, the way you like it?" Translation: I accept you and am willing to go the extra mile to make you happy.

Dad died eight years ago. He said "I love you" to me only once. It was about fifteen years ago after a big fight in the morning. He called me at work and told me he loved me. It was too late. I couldn't process the words. They were so foreign to me. He never said it again.

I cannot have that in my marriage too.

Blanca

I know what you mean. I fell for the old adage that men are simple...im not buying it anymore. at least my H is complicated. to your H, though, he is communicating directly. im sure he thinks its you that doesnt get it. he probably doesnt understand how you could not appreciate what he's doing for you. My H also has a hard time understanding that what he likes doesnt do it for me. He thinks he does everything. what he doesnt get is he does everything he likes but not what i like. So he ends up feeling like its never enough.

The problem is its not always clear to guys because sometimes what they do, when they buy you things, it does make you happy. to them that was success. they see you smile and they think, mission accomplished. they dont get that there's happy, and there's intimately in love. what they offer many times is a friendship level of intimacy but they cant comprehend that just because you smiled and were appreciative of what they did, that you dont feel the intimate connection. my H makes me smile a lot. but its a smile and he doesnt understand its not intimate for me. that's where you have problems.

Im sorry about your loss. my dad died about ten years ago. he never said he loved me. i dont recall him saying anything to me. ive read that you will live out your past so you can heal from it. women with our backround keep finding men that are distant because we're trying to resolve the distance from our childhood. its what ive read anyway.

__________________


"I'm a lover of what is, not because I'm a spiritual person, but because it hurts when I argue with reality."
- Bryon Katie

healingme

He called me last night and we ended up talking for hours. It's the first real conversation we've had about the break up. He did most of the talking. He's seeing a counsellor who is bringing up some very important stuff from his childhood and making connections to his present self, and there are some really crucial points. It seems as though he's had a breakthrough and opened his emotional floodgates. Some issues we talked about brought back all the frustration because he still does not get my point, but mostly he displayed emotion for the first real time. He cried a lot and put his feelings on the table. (I have only seen him shed a quiet tear once in the 6 years we have been together.) I was mostly quiet and although I didn't really react, I realise it will take time to process what he said, so I'm not jumping to any conclusions. I became numb as a defence mechanism, and it's not the easiest thing to break out of.

If there is any chance of reconciliation, it will be slow. I have said that all along, and I know it's something that we need to stick to. I have to heal me, he has to heal him and only when that is under control, then maybe we can heal our relationship.

Love isn't the question here. But it also isn't the answer, either. I know I love him. I also know that the love I feel for him is masked in resentment and frustration. Love isn't enough to sustain a marriage. We all know that on this forum, so I don't have to explain myself here.

I don't know if the phonecall last night has changed anything. I mean, of course it has added a new dimension - he did recognise much of the emotional disparity in our roles in the relationship, and in a way I felt validated by certain things he said (such as telling me how much he loved me and regretted not reciprocating when I used to tell him I loved him). If there is to be any reconciliation, it will be a very long road. I'm not saying no, but I'm not saying yes either.