Advice on dating during separation

Claire · 10-28-2010, 09:59 AM

I have been separated since May.. I live in NC and according to my attorney's so long as we are living under separate roofs we can date whomever we please as this is a no fault state.

We also have a clause in our separation agreement that states.. "both parties agree to live separate and apart as if single and unmarried" .. So basically my attorney said I could sleep with the football team and it not matter.. however that is NOT what I am doing nor do I intend to. lol..

I have three children and really the only communication my STBX and I have had about anything for about 2.5 mos now only pertains to their schedules.

I have dated a couple of random people, and he admitted to me a couple of months ago that he had indeed dated a few and slept with them.. he has encouraged me to do the same .. sounds ok right? .. well, no, he seems to be coming from the perspective that I have an illusion the grass is greener and once I go out and enter the dating world I will realize what I had and come back, but that until I am able to discover that on my own it wouldn't work b/c that allure of green grass would always be in my mind.

Well, a couple of months ago.. I met someone, and we are seemingly a perfect match in every way possible.. beyond my expectations really and it has brought real clarity to me that the type of relationship I have with this new person is full of all the things I lacked on an intellectual, spiritual and intimate level in my marriage and even if this relationship doesn't move forward, just knowing now that this type of relationship can exist really lets me know that I will never go back to my STBX. ... SO>>>> I have every reason to believe, at this point that this new relationship I am in is heading toward something long term. I am wondering at what point I let my stbx in on the fact that I AM indeed doing as he suggested and not only that but after dating a few people have actually gotten in a relationship that I am very happy in?

I am unable to file for divorce until May..I have pretty much decided that I am not offering any information on my own, but if/when he asks.. not sure how to respond and wondering if anyone has any thoughts on that?.. according to a few people, they seem to think he is holding out hope that after he has given me a little space I will see the light and come back.

Feelingalone · 10-28-2010, 10:27 AM

Claire,

Who's decision was it to separate? Here is the thing. Don't go down the path to a long term relationship so quickly IMHO. Although this person seems everything right now, it could be a lag from any resentment you may or may not have had from your STBX. The he's everything he wasn't mind set. Which isn't necessarily correct. That is my only caution. Plus, how you are doing this with the kids is of the highest priority.

If your husband asks, I would say answer him honestly.

Blanca · 10-28-2010, 10:58 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Claire

I am unable to file for divorce until May..I have pretty much decided that I am not offering any information on my own, but if/when he asks.

just wondering, does the new guy know you're still married?

Claire · 10-28-2010, 11:00 AM

This is not fast.. it may in essence seem that way in terms of the literal terms of the separation.. but I am the one that left the marriage, and I am the one that has been asking to do it for 3 years and slept in a separate room for 10... so I have been gone a very long time. And I am careful to be real about my expectations with this new man.. the point is that I see that there ARE people out there with similar genuine interests.. something that my husband and I didn't match up on on any level.

My children are my utmost priority, and the new man and I only see each other when my children are with my ex. He is very supportive of their place in my life.

Claire · 10-28-2010, 11:03 AM

Blanca.. of course he does!

My question really has little to do with the relationship forming with this new man..

the question is.. at what point do I let him know I am in a relationship? or is it none of his business.

Feelingalone · 10-28-2010, 11:22 AM

Claire,

I'm glad to hear how you are doing this with the kids. I wish my ex w understood that -- she didn't although coneceptual she did -- just didn't practice it.

And you seem clear headed on this relationship.

I don't believe you need to offer up, but if he asks just answer him honestly about it.

colour-me-confused · 10-28-2010, 11:45 PM

Don't tell him ... but if he asks then tell him the truth.

colour-me-confused · 10-28-2010, 11:46 PM

And that really is great what you are doing in regards to your kids. I do the same thing ...

greeneyeddolphin · 10-29-2010, 08:38 AM

I've always felt that it's not really the ex or about to be ex's business if you're dating someone new. So my rule has always been that I don't volunteer the info. If he ever asked, I would tell my ex that I was in a relationship, but even that would be limited specifically to answering the question of whether or not I am. Anything beyond that, even if he asked, I would tell him is none of his business. The only thing I would volunteer or give him more info on is when the decision to marry has been made.

If you did want to volunteer the info, I don't think there's any time frame on when it should be done by. It's up to you to decide if/when you want him to know.