Its 3 weeks since my husband announced he wanted a separation and 2 since we are apart....I had to move out to a relatives house cos he started looking for a place to rent and I couldn't take the pain of it all. I'm struggling with all the emotion of it. We haven't talked, except once to arrange for me pick some things up when he wasn't there. Last night he phoned out of the blue to 'see how I am?'......WHAT!!!! - obviously completely cut up!!!! What does it all mean....is this guilt? Is he now feeling bad that I had to go and he is still finding a place?
I don't even understand what this separation means...do we still talk or not? Do we still see each other or not? I don't like mind games and I couldn't take it if he messed me around....he has already broken my heart, I'm not strong enough to build up hopes only to have them dashed again....
What have others done during 'separation'? I've read about how I should be 'working on myself' but I just don't feel like doing anything right now.....how to I start? How to I know how to behave now we are 'separated'? I still love him but with all this hurt I can't trust him, I don't know who he is any more.....please- any comments???
No doubt separation is hard. I had to go through it 2 1/2 years ago--after a 22 year marriage. In addition, we owned a business together. I had to see my estranged husband daily, so my heart got ripped to pieces every day. In addition, I had to watch him destroy the business and himself--and our family. It's next to impossible to interpret a spouse who decides to "toss" everything.
Have you read "The Five Love Languages" by Gary Chapman? It's a great read. This author also has another book titled "Hope for the Separated". I found the book to be particularly helpful in the early stages of my separation. It has a lot of religious overtones, so I realize it may not be for everyone. It has good advice! You may find an individual therapist to be helpful as well. I honestly don't think I could have gotten through the early days without her (& my family).
Thank you 827, I am going to look at those books you mentioned....also I have been thinking about seeing a counselor like you say... I think that's a good idea - so I can express all the thoughts that are churning round in my head. I just feel an overwhelming rejection from him, like I'm not good enough not matter how hard I tried....
Can I ask how long it took to get over your marriage ending?...I know it must be different for everyone but I just need to know I won't always feel like this and there is light and hope on the other side. Does getting angry help? I can't really feel angry with him, but I wish I could...I just feel upset against myself, like I've been a big failure because I believe in marriage and that it's forever but I couldn't make him want to stay
Its been 3 weeks since the H wanted to separate but yesterday in therapy he said we are fully over, I have to come to accept that I will be heading down divorce and its a hard pill to swallow. I wanted to fight for my marriage, figure thigns out, work on it together but he wants none of that....
I have cried tons, I have been furiously upset many time (it helps for me!) At first he wanted to talk, like small talk, how is your day etc. well I ended that yesterday and told him NO, i want no contact from you at all.... How do I move forward when he still trying to be in my life even though he wants out?
Meditate a bit, see friends, cry alot, eat good ice cream, watch good movies and drink lots of wine! thats what has been helping me slowly, very slowly start to steer into a different direction. I wish you all the strength and luck to get over this hump!
Shelly - Sorry to hear that it is heading in that path but look at it this way, at least now you know where you are going and you can focus on finding the end and making sure that you are protected (financially) and move on with your life. I am sorry to hear this but glad that you are out of the "living in limbo" state like many of us still are.
Shelly and separated....thank you for feedback, its so helpful to know there are others out there who are surviving!
I have a question....How do you know if you should keep trying or if you should call it a day?...my husband presented 'separating' as a time for him to 'think' and clear his head about what he wanted (try to save the marriage vs divorce). It feels like hell to just sit around waiting for HIM to call all the shots, I have my feelings too....he has hurt me so badly, I don't know if I could trust him again, even if he wanted to work on it again....but maybe I won't have a choice anyway.
His parents phoned me to find out what's going on since he wasn't very forthcoming with them, they think he's being crazy wanting the separation and told him he shouldn't throw it away....I think my parents secretly hope that we would divorce as they don't think he has looked after me or given me stability. I'm so confused, I don't know what I think anymore. All I know is it hurts really bad!! I still don't know if there is someone else involved, he might well be cheating
There are so many emotions to sort through when we find ourselves in this spot. This is even a bigger problem for those of us who find ourselves "dumped". I think a great counselor plays a huge role in these cases.
I honestly couldn't tell you how long it took me to get over my marriage. Even now, I have good days and bad days. My case is so complicated and still a long way from being over. Your husband is going to do what he wants to do--especially if he is seeing someone else. And if this is the case, make sure you make your financial stability a priority. A selfish spouse who leaves certainly isn't going to give any thought to that. That's my big mistake! I got so wrap up in the emotions that I allowed my estranged husband to destroy everything. And the marriage meant nothing to him. He said the marriage was only a piece of paper.
MariGOld, you should keep yourself buys, focus on you, do what you want to do and be happy.... You cant just sit around a wait....its no fair to you. If you want to fight for it fight.... I fought, I have no regrets for trying to salvage the marriage. I know I did all I could so down the road I will not regret anything I did. I will know that I did everything I could. Thats how I had to think about it.
I agree with Shelly you can't just sit around and wait, although I do think many people do that (including myself). Try a new hobby, go hang out at a bookstore or coffe shop, get out of the house!!!
August I agree I loved Gary Chapmans 5 love languages book, it has really helped me alot to understand why some of the things have gone the way they have. I would definately recommend Merigold reading it.
827Aug - yes, I think a counselor could help with the feelings of being 'thrown away', I think feeling like I could have done better is stopping me from getting angry with him and realizing that I deserve better than to be treated like this, also his previous affair has left me with really low self confidence, and I don't even really know if that affair is over....
Shelly and separated you are certainly being v strong here, getting out the the house you're right is a MUST! Today I'm having a low one, I picked up the phone to call him BUT managed stopped myself just in time and instead rang a friend and arranged to see her....MASSIVE effort, I don't feel like anything at all right now, just want to curl up in a corner, but I'm going to force myself out like you guys say
Need to get started with sorting out bank accounts - horrid, I'm dreading it 'cos it will mean having to talk to H....Shelly, are you financial stuff sorting yet? Its only been 3 weeks for me put I guess no point in hanging around, it only prolongs the pain.
MariGold, it has only been 3.5 weeks for me too. I opened my own bank account 4 days after he told me he wanted to leave... I separated our phone accounts. Our therapist gave us a number for a Mediator so we will get in touch with them in the next week or so. Since he is not wanting anything out of this... it should be pretty ok. I need to figure out if I can afford the house mortgage on my own and if so he will take his name of the titles etc. Its a whole new ballgame now....
He rang me to talk about paying the car tax and we had a quite dysfunctional conversation about the finances / joint account.
Trouble is a find it REALLY hard to talk to him without feeling all upset and emotional and it distracts from what i'm trying to achieve practically....he is cold and distant, I hate it, suddenly it's like we were never married or close, it's suddenly like he is a weird stranger. SOOOO painful.
Still I am going to take your advice Shelly and get a separate account sorted. I have an appointment with my doctor tomorrow to discuss a sick note for graded return into work duties and I'm going to ask for a sleeping tablet too....that's a big issue for me, I can't sleep until the early hours and it's exhausting.
I'm learning that the reason we communicate in weird, uncomfortable, stunted sessions with our exes is because neither of us know how we really feel, we feign confidence, we don't want to give too much away for fear that there will be a tilt in the power balance, and much of the time we're just numb. And it's a devastating cycle - bad, moody, distant talks = upset people, so the talks get worse and moodier and more distant until there's nothing left to remind us of why we got together in the first place. Separation is a time when we should all work out what our own honesty is, and whether we should share that with the other person. Confusion leads to imagining bad things, and that leads to resentment. If you didn't resent your partner before the break, you should as hell will after. We all need to stay in control of ourselves, without trying to control each other or the situation as a whole.
Make sense? (Please tell me this makes sense to you - it's a epiphany for me!)