Hi Everyone. I sought out this forum because I need advice on the separation I'm going through. I've been married to my wife for 15 years, and we have three children, 9, 7, and a 1 1/2 year old that was born almost 3 months premature. My wife and I both suffer from depression, and she has been diagnosed as being bi-polar. In the past her condition caused her to do irresponsible things like spend wildly. She also was addicted to chat and eventually cheated on me with someone she met online. Several years ago we had a separation when she started blaming me for her confusion, and saw everything I did as not good enough, such as work around the house. When she saw a therapist she was diagnosed and was put on medication. She was shown how most of her problems were actually caused by pressure from her controlling mother. Her sister, by the way, went to a therapist when she separated from her husband and moved in with mom and got the same answer, so I'm pretty sure that it's correct to say the mother is a problem. We eventually decided that we loved each other and were going to try and rebuild our lives. I think we were pretty happy, and we decided that we wanted to have one more child. About this same time her mother pressured us into taking a big expensive 3 week family vacation to celebrate her 60th birthday. I didn't know it but my wife got us deeply in credit card debt over this, and other money issues. Then disaster really struck; the pregnancy did not go well, and she went into labor at only 4 1/2 months. A fetus can't live at that age, so the doctors put her in the hospital for what turned out to be 5 1/2 weeks. Our son was born at 27 1/2 weeks gestation and only 2 lbs 7 oz, but he was strong. If you have never had a preemie, I pray that you never know how hard it is to watch your child struggle for his or her life, especially while other babies around it lose their fight and die. It is one of the most stressful things a couple can ever go through, and many don't make it intact. Our son eventually thrived, and afterwards I bought my wife a beautiful diamond necklace and told her how proud I was of her for saving our baby. Women who deliver preemies often fall into depression and blame themselves for not having done some unknown thing that could have kept their child from having a healthy birth. My wife was no exception, and before long she started drinking to cope. This grew until it became obvious that she was going out and coming home drunk, sometimes even driving intoxicated with the kids in the car. It especially angered me when I found that her sister was letting her leave her house to drive in this condition. I finally put my foot down and called her family to help me in an intervention. She hated me for that but finally agreed to enter rehab, which did her a world of good. She started doing Bible readings with her mother, and I strongly supported that. I thought things were getting better. Then the money situation came to light. it turns out that things hadn't been payed in months and our house was going into foreclosure. I borrowed everything I could from my 401K, but the damage was done and no one would lend me more. I could barely make late payments and when things were bleakest we had to borrow $2000 from her mom. Little did I know that she promised her mother that we would give it back from our tax refund, but that was impossible since we had things other things that had to be payed or else. My wife started retreating into our bedroom, obviously in depression again. I have faults too, I know that. I could do more around the house, and I spend too much time on the computer. I started seeing a therapist, trying to save our relationship, but it hit a dead end because my wife wouldn't make the efforts required. We never get time to ourselves, and the mother would never watch our kids so we could go out to dinner. In her state of mind she never would have gone out anywhere anyway. To make an already too long story short, one evening in May our 7 year old daughter was misbehaving and I was making her mind, and my wife got very angry with me, feeling I was being mean. The next day she told me we needed to separate for a while. She moved in with her mother, of all places, so I know that she is getting brainwashed about how we are just not good for each other. My wife has told me that she loves me, and always will, but she doesn't think it will work. I begged her to please think about giving it just one more shot, and she says that she'll think about it. She is off on another of moms grand family vacations, a reunion this time, so she has plenty of time to think. Too bad she is with her mother who I know has good intentions, but is still trying to control her. I love my wife dearly, and have from the day I met her. I have no idea whether I'm really a jerk and don't recognize it, or whether my wife is just confused. I suppose it doesn't matter. I've tried, and continue to try to heal our relationship, and be a better person myself. I don't know what to do, and I'm hurting so badly. I pray and pray, but things just get worse. I feel helpless and worthless. I sorry if I'm whining. I'm an emotional man. Any advice would be appreciated. How do I reach her again? I don't want to hear that maybe she's right and we're no good for each other. I know that God meant for us to be together, and for our family to heal. Thanks for listening. Kevin
If you believe that God meant for you to be together and it’s a part of God’s plan then you will be together. I don’t have any other real advice except to pray and give control to God. I’m going through a similar situation. My wife and I have known each other for 15 years and have been married for 9. We have one son age 5. We met in church where I asked her out in a prayer that if it was God’s plan for us to be together that she would say yes. She said yes that day and we were married several years later before God. I believe God put us together for a purpose and he used us in powerful ways. Over the course of our marriage, the world started to weigh on us. We had financial problems, including foreclosure, the death of several family members, both of our father’s going through cancer and just last fall the death of our second baby. With the world weighing on us we both fell away from God and each other. She started going out and not coming home at night and we fought all the time. She turned into someone else. We separated in June and I recently found out she had an affair. It hit me very hard and the only thing on my mind was divorce. I went through all range of emotions and hurt like I’ve never hurt before. It was when I was at my lowest point, when I had no control anymore, I started to hear God again. He spoke to me in many different ways and it was so loud that I couldn’t ignore it. God changed my heart and reminded me of forgiveness. After that I gave God everything and left all the junk at the cross.
When a bone breaks, the break heals back stronger then before. I pray several times a day that God would heal our relationship and make it stronger then before. If we are able to overcome these trials, with God’s help, what will come out of it would be greater then anything we ever had before. With God in control, anything is possible and I believe that with my whole heart.
We are still separated, she is still having the affair. I believe God meant for us to be together, but I don’t know God’s timetable. I pray for strength to endure, hope for the future, and healing and forgiveness now. I will pray for you too.
Thank you. That was beautiful. Yes, I believe that God meant for us to be together, and I pray often for His help. A cousin of my wife stopped by to see me to, and told me how worried she and her husband are for us. They have to witness how her family has been pressuring her to leave me forever, and how unfair they are in denouncing me. I don't understand why they hate me so. I pray for you, my friend. I wish we could help each other in some way.
In response to her blaming you for her confusion, my wife is doing something similar. She blames me entirely for our relationship falling apart. She blames her family for her inability to handle our son because she didn't raise him. Her family watched our son for 3 days a week to help us out with daycare. It wasn't just our relationship that fell apart, it was also her relationship with our son.
I'm not blameless for our relationship falling apart by any means, but she doesn't take any blame on herself. I keep asking myself if I was really that bad. I believe I was to a certain degree and especially from her point of view. I've asked for her forgiveness and she has forgiven me. I don't try to push the fact the she isn't blameless but I have been gently asking questions about her part in our relationship falling apart. My goal is that through discussion she will start to also see things from my point of view too.
Separation but hopeful
