J@ck

After 22 years of a friendship, 9 years of marriage with 2 great boys (7 and 8 years old) my wife has recognized she is bi-sexual and needs a lesbian relationship. We had a great start to our marriage, it was busy with buying our first home and having kids, she went to college, I started a business… Typical life stuff. Our friendship has always been great, our sex life is unbelievable but she never was able to show me any type of affection. The last 3 years of my life has been awful. Every day was a struggle for me to figure out what was going on with her and why she couldn’t show me an ounce of compassion even though she said she wanted to. I would ask for a hug and never get it. We both really tried hard to make our marriage work. About 6 months ago we were discussing our relationship and she burst out in tears that she was bi-sexual. We discussed the possibility to bring on another woman to play with since she told me it was just a sexual thing. At the end of the day I was never comfortable with this since I knew that she needed more but wasn’t being honest with herself or I. I knew she needed a relationship with another woman considering how she could never show me any affection. This past Saturday I told her if we were to move forward with bringing in another woman she would need to commit to me that I was the person she was going to spend the rest of her life with. At that point she told me that every time she looked into her future she saw a woman. No doubt this meant a divorce.

I am very grateful that she was brave enough to come out to me. I want her to be happy and be able to feel the type of emotions that I am able to feel for her. We both want to support each other through this and want the least impact to our kids. I believe she never cheated on me. She is a good woman who was in a tough spot.

Since then we both decided to not bring in too many lawyers and make our divorce as easy as possible. I have no problem splitting our finances in ½ which means selling our home and some extra things we accumulated over the years. The kids will be 50/50 and our plan is to live as close to possible to each other as we can. We have agreed to put everything into writing since you never know what will happen in the future. We even want to live on the same block. I do realize that our marriage was not a good one and we both really deserve to be loved and in love with ourselves and our partners.

I never had a chance with all the effort I put into trying to “fix” our relationship. I truly was committed and deeply in love with her but at the end of the day I am not a woman. I am leaving the bad times behind me and she has too. Simply because there was nothing we could do for each other. Our friendship is what made us last for so long (and our kids..). We plan on not telling our families until after the New Year. This past Thanksgiving was very hard for us pretending to be married. It seems like everyone was talking about living the lives together and retiring happily. We are dedicated to each other as friends and parents. We plan on living together until we sell our home which probably won’t happen until late spring. Since we have this great friendship we have been very supportive of each other and do want the best for each other. Over the past week our friendship has gotten stronger since she is now open about herself and I know why the past didn’t work and I know where we are going in the future. We also are still doing the hobbies and activities we always loved to do (which includes amazing sex). I like the idea of supporting each other, our greater friendship and sex (even though we both know this won’t last). In some ways I wish it did end badly for the finality of it all and I can move on sooner and forget about our marriage. But then again we are so very fortunate to have each other during this time. She actually has been very attentive to my emotions so I know this isn’t a one way street. Complicated to say the least.

I know we need to move on, I cherish the fact our friendship is intact and stronger then before and I love the fact our kids will be well taken care of. I still cry often for no reason sometimes. For other times it’s because I’m not sure how I will be able to handle not seeing my best friend (my ex-wife) and kids every day. No matter how bad our marriage was I still had my kids. I appreciate the support we are giving each other and the sex certainly helps relieve a lot of stress. I hope our friendship will never end but again I have been surprised before.

All boils down to this: We love each other but I am not a woman. We would love to stay together but we can not.

All in all this is a rambling post. I will take any advice though. I have seen people do this on this board and I appreciate reading about people with similar issues to mine. I do plan on posting updates so others can share with my experience.

J@ck

Follow up and I am looking for some advice. It's been a week now. we are still living together and pretended to be married in front of our folks for the last 3 days.We plan on continuing to live together and be supportive and good friends. So far this seems to be working. We most likely will need to do this until potentially May which is a very long time. I would like to start to get my act together. We have an autistic child and it's going to be very hard on he and his brother and I feel the sooner I get my act together the better it will be for them and myself.

My problem is depression kicks in once and a while and makes it tough to do anything. My ex-wife is more than comforting and supportive but that is sometimes fleeting since I know she wont be around soon either. My friends have their own problems and my one good friend is 6 months into her divorce (no kids) dating and having fun. It seems when I told her my divorce was set in stone she disappeared. Could be the holidays or maybe it's just too much on her plate.

The hardest part is knowing soon I wont see my kids everyday. I also cant shake that no one is going to date/marry a 38 year old out of shape dad with an autistic child.

I truthfully know I am not in love with her anymore and I know this is the best thing for all of us considering her change in her sexual preference. I do appreciate and believe that supporting each other the way we are is a great thing.

I guess I am lost on how to move forward in the current situation I am in. I am going clothes shopping and starting to work out again but I feel that the only way to move forward is to finally split apart which wont happen for sometime.

Any words of wisdom?

chefmaster

I'm sorry for your deeply sad moments at times, and I can understand them. I also think it's admirable how you've handled the whole ordeal. (I know you weren't being admirable, you are just admirable in my eyes)



Any words of wisdom?

"I also cant shake that no one is going to date/marry a 38 year old out of shape dad with an autistic child." <-- this couldn't be further from the truth. Believe it, because it's true.

J@ck

Thanks chefmaster. The london broil looks good!

chefmaster

There's nothing better than meat and potatoes, I'm just sayin'

colour-me-confused

I was very touched at reading your story here. You have shown such amazing strength and understanding throughout this ordeal. Do not worry about future partners for yourself ... there is not a single thing you've said here that will deter them!
Time apart from our children is the worst thing imaginable. The very first time my H took our baby after our separation I cried for hours. I spent the entire weekend in a complete daze. Eventually that turned to mild anxiety. And, no, I function well hen he is away from me. It sounds dumb to say it gets easier with time, but it truly does. I mean, I always miss my son when I'm without him, but I am okay no because I know he is safe and happy with his Daddy too.
I cannot offer a lot of advice on moving forward. I hate to tell you that I believe that it will remain difficult as along as you are living together. Being together each day simply makes it harder to move forward and properly grieve for your relationship. But, slowly, over time, you'll begin doing more for yourself and you'll find the sadness is a little less every day. I know that, again, it is not the greatest advice, but it is the only truth I've found throughout my own situation.
Good luck to you and your family ...

sbbs

Having the two of you in separate places to live will really, really help. As long as you see her every day, all of these mixed feelings will keep rushing back to make you feel torn and miserable. Find some way to put some physical space between her and you.

And you're taking this incredibly well, with a lot of honesty and strength. You sound like a really good guy, despite everything you're going through.