Isabellam

So here I am, over the long 5 day weekend I had, I made a decision to file for divorce. Yes, we have only been separated for 3 weeks, but he is a total jerk - let me explain why.

First, He doesn't want to talk about anything and refuses to be there for me - here is what he said after I asked to meet up yesterday - judge for yourself:
"I know you're struggling. I'm struggling too. I feel bad that you're struggling and there is a part of me that feels that I'm responsible for "saving" you from what you're going through but I can't take that burden on myself. Even if I were strong enough, it's not my burden andI'm learning (in therapy) that trying to take on other peoples' stuff actually hurts them more than it helps."
That's the person I married. My struggles are now a burden.

Second -thanks to the magic of technology, I know that he is againt talking to the girl that he cheated on me with - Exchanging cute e-mails while he is on his golf trip. I also found proof that he had been hanging out with her since at least January. When he want to las vegas for work last year (they work together) people questioned if the had hooked up - really -what kind of behavior did he engage in that he gets people to question that? Honestly, I am so angry. I am pissed off - I want to go by his job and tell the little b*** off. I want to e-mail her, her boss, and then entire god damn company and embarrass her.

So, there you have it -I am a complete idiot. The bus stops here. I have the perfect Christmas present for him - divorce papers. I am seeing a lawyer this week. I am done being nice and being taken for a fool. He can stay with his 24 year old bimbo.

God -I am a mess - I can't stop crying and feeling sorry for myself. This has been the worst year of my life and it seems that the worst is yet to come.

Of course, he doesn't want to be dealing with my burden - he is moving on with that woman at work. I need revenge.

I hate my life right now and the fact that it is around the holidays -just makes it twice as worse.

what would you do?

unbelievable

I was under the impression that the point of separation was to give the relationship a cooling off period and to give both parties time for personal reflection. It's probably not helpful for him to be exchanging cutsie communications with another woman at this point but it's also probably not helpful for you to reach out to him when you're in some personal emotional crisis right now, either.

Isabellam

Thanks I agree to some extent - however, he is my husband and If I call to talk about our relationship -he shouldn't tell me that he can be "burden with it" -really? is that what I should expect?

Also, it is not like he is exchaging cute e-mails with random friends - this is the girl that he has been cheating on me since January of this year - I told him that I didn't want him to talk to her - he said he would not - and here he is again. I am sure planning his next trip to Vegas with her - I saw she sent him her flight information. I bet they are going to celebrate the new year's together in Vegas. This is not acceptable behavior. It just can't be.

unbelievable

It's not acceptable if he's serious about fixing his marriage. If his plan is to leave the marriage, finding backup emotional support makes perfect sense.

827Aug

In some ways my situation was similar to yours. I experienced all kinds of emotions too. My divorce attorney finally put things in perspective for me. He told me go to my husband and basically give him an ultimatum. Tell him he was to move back into the house and go to marriage counseling with me. In addition, there would be no other women or staying out all weekend partying. Well, I did that. I got an answer real fast. A big resounding "NO" was the answer. I knew where his heart was then. I then filed for divorce with a clear conscience. My therapist also felt this was the best approach as well. Watching the husband "having his cake and eating it too" was killing me. It was a relief in many ways to be able to finally step off of the emotional roller coaster.

Hope you can step off of that emotional roller coaster and enjoy the holidays.

Applepies

I was getting upset about spending the holidays without my husband. My daughter had some wise words. Mom, come on, it's one day our of 365, stop making such a big deal about it.

Out of the mouths of babes.

Some people have families they absolutely can't stand and have to spend time with them on the holidays.

It's one day and you can spend it anyway you darn well please. You can relax with a good book, plan a bubblebath and a glass of wine, put on your most fav movie. Make a healthy salad, get all sorts of veggies and cut them up by hand, very soothing and delicious. You can treat yourself nice, take care of yourself. No law against it.

sbbs

Isabellam--If you know for sure that you can't trust him, then it's best that you do, indeed, DTMFA.

And Applepies is right--you can spend the holidays however you want. See only the people you like or love. Maybe go on a small trip somewhere you've always wanted to visit.

Let us know what you decide to do for the holidays. And tell us how filing for divorce goes.

Isabellam

Thanks everyone - last night I got proof that my husband was seeing and sleeping with the girl that he cheated on me with over the summer. Right there in black and white -they spent the perfect sunday together according to her - breakfast, lunch, movie, and sex at 8 pm - she was quite specific about that. I feel like a fool - I called him up and told him I was going to file for divorce.
This is the 4th time that I have caught him with the same girl - He left our home 3 weeks ago and two weeks into it he was already having sex with her. He admitted to having sex with her 3 times in the last week alone. He came back early from Thanksgiving and instead of seeing me -his wife who spent it all alone - he went to see her to share the "perfect Sunday."

I am done. I am seeing a lawyer on Thursday. He says he won't fight the divorce and will give me everything I want. We'll see. I just can't trust him - even if he said that he would leave her and never see her again. They work together, he seems to not be able to let this go. I would literally have to follow him around to believe he is not cheating again.

I am broken harded, beaten down, and feeling like a shell of a person. I am alone and staring over. In the end, he gave up 6 years of our relationship because life got hard and I didn't have all the time in the world to make him feel important - the funnyt hing is that when I asked him what she did that was so great that made him feel important - he had no idea what it was.

We were arguing until 4 in the morning. I am exhausted.

sbbs

Isabellam--I know how you feel, I think. My husband wasn't adulterous, but he did lots other things that made me feel very betrayed and taken for granted. The hollow, spent feeling you mention is all too familiar to me.

Your husband is a schmuck, plain and simple. He doesn't appreciate you, and he's obviously not going to invest much energy or attention in you. So you have to stop investing your energy and attention in him. If you're arguing with him, or even thinking about why he's acting like a schmuck, you're investing mental and emotional resources that you should be spending on yourself, on starting your new life.

Make as clean a break of it as you can. Find fun things to do--things that you couldn't do with him. Enjoy being in your own space, living your life on your own terms.

Good for you for filing for divorce. I wish more people had your courage and sense of self-worth.