I had pmed you from your last question and explain why even though it isn't the best way for you to move forward how I believe it to be moving forward.
yesterday's session had beth say "i 'm not taking him back." issues cited were: alcohol, irresponsible handling of money, space, honesty, self respect. only thing i can come up with is a contract like the one counselor suggested a couple of weeks ago. a zero tolerance deal where i can't violate any part of it. i think i'm at last ditch, hail mary time here.
1)no alcohol
2)money issues handled by beth
3)allow space upon request
4)no lies, live transparent life
5)promote independence
6)no jealousy
7)learn to help with all tasks
8)respect
9)zero tolerance
anything i could add, or does this seem like a stupid idea?
Forget all that! I bet if you just drifted into the background, she would come after you. That would be my technique.
I have to say, the way you come across is off-putting. You are being so overattentive that it is sickening. People are trying to tell you this, but you won't listen.
You will not get anywhere until you work on your lap-dog tendencies. All in my humble opinion of course!
I agree with the folks here who say you are being too attentive to her. I've followed your story and while I believe you are a changed man, I think you're doing too much. As people keep telling me, you can't make another person do anything. You can only control what you do. You are already doing the right things and have seen evidence that she's coming around. Keep doing that because YOU want to for you, not solely to win her back.
Your desperation is coming through really loudly to me, and it is a bit off-putting. Try backing off and give her some space but keep doing the things you have chosen to work on for you.
ok, drifting off into the woodwork i go...thanks, the reality slapped me in the face yesterday when she said "chris, you know what happens when you pressure me so much...i run the other way." see ya in the woodwork.
yesterday's session had beth say "i 'm not taking him back." issues cited were: alcohol, irresponsible handling of money, space, honesty, self respect. only thing i can come up with is a contract like the one counselor suggested a couple of weeks ago. a zero tolerance deal where i can't violate any part of it. i think i'm at last ditch, hail mary time here.
1)no alcohol
2)money issues handled by beth
3)allow space upon request
4)no lies, live transparent life
5)promote independence
6)no jealousy
7)learn to help with all tasks
8)respect
9)zero tolerance
anything i could add, or does this seem like a stupid idea?
As I have told you in pms I think it is a good idea and you have covered the bases with it. At some point though Beth needs to forgive you for the marriage to heal. You can't be on egg shells forever.
ok, i'm now officially "backed off." i'm going to be the guy who doesn't call or text (i admit i do it too much, dammit, i miss her, but it does, by her own admission, "send her running") limiting myself to one call or text per day, in person i'm chill (although you can't fault me for having fun when around her, i do) and it's gonna few and far between when i impose my presence on her (geez, that's gonna be hard, she invites me to alot of stuff)...
having said all that, she GLOWED to me at her tots soccer practice tonite...she makes me feel so welcome that it's hard not to hold optimism, like yesterday at the counselors office, when we played musical chairs... if you saw us, we're two freakin peas in a pod!
then tonite after soccer practice, she was almost lit up talking to her assistant coaches about our outing to jim gaffigan or to the upcoming trans siberian orchestra concert...that's not until like november 11th!!! she's planning outings like that far in advance?!?!
but ok, i'm part of the woodwork. no pressure from ol' chris... guys, she's bustin my chops tonite at practice over not being able to head the soccer ball because of my stroke ("no more brain damage for you!!!!") we f-ing have fun....i'm supposed to let that fade into the woodwork?!?! but i'm off it...
i love you Beth. if you knew how i really felt, would this be going on?
love,
chris
I guess that is about how sincere she feels you really are. I think she wants to see that you are doing things for the right reasons and not just to get her back.
y'know drac,
i've thought of that. i want her back, yeah badly, but i think we can get back together too soon. like before the issue are properly dealt with. cuz i don't want either of us to go thru this again.
y'know drac,
i've thought of that. i want her back, yeah badly, but i think we can get back together too soon. like before the issue are properly dealt with. cuz i don't want either of us to go thru this again.
Honestly, I don't think you could survive this again. Maybe she thinks that too.
Cutting down the texts was a good start. But you are still sending one a day. You need to let her start going a day without any texts or calls. Then guess what? She will miss you. How can she develop a hunger if you are feeding her a diet of lapdawgery all day? you are soooooo close to making this work. But that is it, you are doing too much. Back off bro.
i spoke with fred talisman tonite. google him, he's pretty good. anyway...he loaded me with two key questions:
what would need to be in place for feel good about moving forward together?
what would need to happen for us to do more and more things in a more committed manner?
he said there are phrases that have a negative connotation and you should avoid them...phrases that she has used in a negative way...she's giving signals...i'm fresh off the call and my mind is still boggled. but the not texting and calling, he was all for it. btw-she was on the phone to me first thing after work tonite...so, maybe...
It is always helpful to have many ways to takle a problem and many angles. Sometimes people can get you only so far before you need someone else to finish the job. Dr Rice did his part and got you and Beth this far. She was comfortable with him and agreed to go. Maybe this other guy can go the extra mile.
he was all for it. btw-she was on the phone to me first thing after work tonite...so, maybe...
You should establish a ratio: She calls you 3 times, you call her once. Not forever, but until it has worked it's magic. By the way, if it's any help, I am crap at this, but I know it works well with some men and women. But i would definitely do it if I were in your position, because trying harder is not working.
If you are nice and cheerful whenever she calls you, it will establish a connection in her mind - "whenever I phone voivod I have fun". So she will be dialing "F" for fun (or V for fun).
Once she starts chasing YOU, you can dictate terms. When you are the chaser, you can't dictate diddly squit!
Re: separation is killing me, help! 
