You should establish a ratio: She calls you 3 times, you call her once. Not forever, but until it has worked it's magic. By the way, if it's any help, I am crap at this, but I know it works well with some mean and women. But i would definitely do it if I were in your position, because trying harder is not working.
If you are nice and cheerful whenever she calls you, it will establish a connection in her mind - "whenever I phone voivod I have fun". So she will be dialing "F" for fun (or V for fun).
Once she starts chasing YOU, you can dictate terms. When you are the chaser, you can't dictate diddly squit!
brad and mt-
i hope you get the chance to tell me someday "i told you so." it's too early to tell, but backing off seems to be paying off. i got invited to a movie tonite, we we're the proverbial "two peas in a pod" at the historical tour, she got a little snarly at my boy's football game, i blew that off and we had fabulous conversation with little touches and taps after the game.
i'm actually more relaxed playing this way than the other, always waiting for the payoff and if it didn't happen the waty i'd hoped, getting all bummed out.
i'm proceeding with caution, but backed off is my new stance. thanks guys, i think.
today was day one million of our separation. i don't feel that we're particulaly close to resolving any real issues, but the socializing has been great. lotsa touchy-feelie love-tap kinda stuff, lotsa eye comtact & smiles, even my oldest daughterm who had acted like the beaachy "protector" of mom is warming back up to me. yay!
although our little historical sunday drive was cut short due to an incredibly dusty washboard road, bethie asked if we could do it again next weekend with my trck rather than her van (cuz of the rough road). great idea! cuz my 11 yr old didn't get to go this week and she loves this stuff.
then she asked me to pick up a small dinner, we had that, then popcorn and 4 episodes of "get smart" from dvd.
i've asked the question everywhere, are these the actions of a wonan who doesn't want to be with me? what's the motivation?
Doing these activities are her way of finding out how much your growing and wether she wants to be with you. That's why your actions and emotional state are so important. Who wants to hang with people who are anxious, repressive and "wanting" something from you.
Your asking Mt and I "I hope your right" about your new plan of action. Instead you should look at it as an eye opener for the new you. Look at improving yourself as a person and everything else will fall into place for you. Dont look at this merely as an action plan to win your wife back.
brad-
about the "wanting" part, she'd be oblivious if she didn't already know i'm doing some things because i want something from her. "the new me" (as you've referenced) is me WANTING her, right?
the sober, not needy, not anxious me is that guy who "wants" her back. she's not stupid, she knows that.
Your asking Mt and I "I hope your right" about your new plan of action. Instead you should look at it as an eye opener for the new you. Look at improving yourself as a person and everything else will fall into place for you. Dont look at this merely as an action plan to win your wife back.
This I really agree with. You need to work on improving yourself beyond the addictions and such to the point that you can stand on your own. That inner strength is important and signals that she can lean on you when things are down for her instead of her just being a crutch for you.
Beyond just getting her back this is the one time you can really do something for yourself.
ok, i agree too. it's just that i'm so looking for payoff to all my work. i know i'm improving myself, she knows i'm improving myself. but we're running the same cycle as we have since the separation. WE get together, DO something fun, KIDS join in, DAY turns to NIGHT, I go HOME.
i WANT to do something that will really make her sit up and realize "hey, this guy's going to the wall for me, i think the risk-reward plays in my favor."
i guess that's why i've been so willing to try something new. i want an advanced result. maybe my lack of patience, maybe the page i'm on now is potentially really scary.
i read a lot of posts here. sometimes i feel like i'm conducting my own pity party because i seem to have it so good compared to others. i mean, i still have regular contact with my wife, she still IS my wife, and there's at least a hunt of things being ok. thanks to draconis, swedish, justean, brad, mark twain and the rest of you who are helping me keep my head above water. this is the most difficult thing i've ever dealt with, tougher than stroke rehab. i wish this on no one. i pray more deeply than ever, my anxiety level reaches high whenever there is a chance (perceived) that beth is in a bad mood. i'm never right about that, i wish i'd learn. anyway, best of luck to everyone here. thanks for being my port in a storm.
after being manic about this relationship for longer than i've been posting here, i've reached a new place. f-it. i love her, she loves me. hers is tough love, she's making me pay for being such a drip. God is showing her how to be strong, and she is. she was strong long before this. she's the strength that helped me survive a terrible stroke.
good news, i'm getting a little help from one of her co-workers to clarify for beth what is at stake here. i didn't ask for it, i think it's another of God's miracles. i'm gonna lay back a little, go back to work (pray for me, i need a job where i can tend to my children several hours a day. that's my committment, those kids) and continue honoring beth, serving the Lord and giving my all to this marriage. never give up, never quit trying. my concious endeavor is to heal this partnership, beth deserves the best me i can give her, the one i committed to her november 25th, 1994. i love you baby, and you know it.
my anxiety level reaches high whenever there is a chance (perceived) that beth is in a bad mood. i'm never right about that, i wish i'd learn.
You sound like you may be borderline OCD. Perhaps you need to do things that stimulate serotonin levels. I use "edging" for this, which is a form of masturbation where you try to stay on the edge of orgasm for 20-30 minutes. I hope that wasn't TMI! This is not orthodox stuff by the way, it's my own mad-cap concoction of a solution.
Re: separation is killing me, help! 
.. so he can hold it. How is that helping you? 
