ok, i'm coming down off a Beth buzz. i just got back "home" after spending the afternoon/evening with her. we went and picked out a kitty from the humane society for my little beautiful ten yr old daughter, brought it back to her place, she asked me to go pick up a b-day present for one of daughter's friends and some dinner, we ate together and watched The Love GURU on dvd. things are going so well. if we we're dating for the first time right now, i'd have no problem taking this to the next level.
unfortunately, my situation dictates i take it nice and easy this time. make sure i've done as much right as i can. my daughter texted me and told me her birtyhday wish was to have mommoy and daddy living together again. you'd think mom would pick up on the vibe, but who knows. another day, another good day. tommorrow should be fun. my sons football team plays, my 10 yr old daughter's soccer team, my 11 yr old plays, and mom coaches two of the teams.
then sunday it's an all day trip into the back country to a historic ghost town.
i can't wait.
That is a very possible birthday wish. Keep that in mind.
You have to understand here, you wife feels like the victim here. Yes. She is hurt and needs help. A birthday wish to her is sweet, but will not happen until SHE feels good about you again.
I have an idea, treat your wife like she has been though a major trama in her life and needs your support more than ever. Seriously. Help her out. Listen to her and act on her wishes and I guarantee you, she will come back around.
You are doing rather well here. Just keep up repairing the relationship like you are doing. Eventually, she will come around even more.
I make it a daily goal to make my wife as happy as I possibly can. That doesnt mean saying "I love you" every 5 seconds either. Once you learn waht to do, just keep at it.
I find it funny when some people say, "That is wrong! Why should I bend over backwards when she won't do anything?!?! She needs to change, not me! Why should I?"
I'll tell you why... Because they are not willing to change. The point is, it is going to take SOMEONE to repair the relationship. Why does it matter who it is? Pride? Ego? Awwww... Poor baby... they hurt your itsy-bitsy feelings??? Own up to it and fix it. Take the blame. So what. You get your relationship and family back, right?
Remember, no matter waht she says, always remain positive and upbeat with her. She will be extremely happy with you if you acknowledge her feelings like this.
husband,
you say very possible. you're a guy who has been to the brink. hopefully you've read my posts. tell me, from a guy who has been there. what am i doing wrong/right/what could i be doing more or less of. i wanna get this right.
update: kids sports day was a bit frustrating for mom. my son does not act appropriate (says mom) on the field. cries when someone takes his flag (flag football) and she said something today about taking him to the doc and referenced ritalin. lucky for me, one of the soccer parents was there and said "nooo, you don't wanna do that." i should step up and call BS on the whole ritalin thing, but i'm so passive now because of the separation, i'm afraid to upset her.
then she started going off about my 11 yr old daughter's coach and what a self-serving prick he is. true, but not appropriate to say at the game on the sidelines. i'm convinced she does not care about the consequences of her words/actions. and...i'm no psychologist, but i think she's flexing her muscles a little with her newly-gotten freedom. she later on mentioned that her crankiness was bothering her. i asked if it was biological. ;-}
BUT..the day finished up nicely. she invited me in for dinner, so i picked up a little take & bake dessert. then she said something about wanting me to get a movie, so i did, we watched, then i went home. slow, steady. even when i don't feel progress, we aren't regressing.
i'm tired...real tired. for those of you who've been here with me from the beginning, you know how much i'm trying. my heart really is in this. i want this marriage to work. but i am finding myself getting real tired. i don't want to give up, i really don't. but this seems to be going on and on and on...
i'm doing the chapman "honor her" thing, everything seems to be heading the right direction, but how long do i have to endure the pain of uncertainty?
i'm tired...real tired. for those of you who've been here with me from the beginning, you know how much i'm trying. my heart really is in this. i want this marriage to work. but i am finding myself getting real tired. i don't want to give up, i really don't. but this seems to be going on and on and on...
i'm doing the chapman "honor her" thing, everything seems to be heading the right direction, but how long do i have to endure the pain of uncertainty?
I think you are finally where you need to be...let me explain.
Empathy ~ This is exactly how beth felt and still feels about you drinking. She was tired to, but she has stuck around still for you, hasn't she. Do you think she is certain you have changed, gave up drinking etc. ?
Time ~ I told you from the onset that these things (those emotions called trust) normally take a year to build up. She still needs to build on this.
Evaluate ~ Is it really that bad? You might not have her in the win section right now, but isn't your relationship better then it has been in years? Much better for her I would say and she might just be afriad to lose this new you she has fallen in love with all over again.
Foward ~ Look at the progress you make and have made. Not only in the relationship but in yourself. [As a long distant runner in my youth (yes irony) I counted each step, each stride as a means to the end. Training paying off. Each inch brings you closer even if in a marathon you have to walk or crawl to cross that line.]
Independence ~ The one thing you still lack (sorry). You judge yourself based on how your relationship with Beth is. You need to be strong for you first BEFORE you can be strong for her. She needs that from you.
As time goes on, and the longer it does, it will show her just what direction you are taking. In other words...ALLOW trust to rebuild, you are activly persuing her heart. From what you write, she LOVES you and knows you pretty damn good. I know this is pain steaking. But if she is inviting you for dinner, and Sunday drives, her heart is still in it. She could give you the cold shoulder.
I think she sees how much effort you are putting into yourself and your self improvement. Once trust is lost (and it was when you relapsed). Its just a matter of time before she can really 'trust' you again. I know you feel as though its killing you. But look at like: you will be STONGER from it. your marriage will be STRONGER from it too (in time!) Your endurance and perseverence and longevity are steadily strengthening you!
As time goes on, and the longer it does, it will show her just what direction you are taking. In other words...ALLOW trust to rebuild, you are activly persuing her heart. From what you write, she LOVES you and knows you pretty damn good. I know this is pain steaking. But if she is inviting you for dinner, and Sunday drives, her heart is still in it. She could give you the cold shoulder.
I think she sees how much effort you are putting into yourself and your self improvement. Once trust is lost (and it was when you relapsed). Its just a matter of time before she can really 'trust' you again. I know you feel as though its killing you. But look at like: you will be STONGER from it. your marriage will be STRONGER from it too (in time!) Your endurance and perseverence and longevity are steadily strengthening you!
Keep doing the chapman thing.
Ahhhh... Truer words were never spoken.
She needs to trust that you will not hurt her emotionally again. So true. This took me about 2-3 months. But it paid off bigtime.
You look more and more attractive to her as you improve yourself. Hell, I would even say somthing like, "I want to thank you." She'll ask, "For what?". I would respond, "Because now I can see what I need to do to improve myself. In a weird way, this has helped me grow as a person. Seriously... thank you." This will help her get rid of her guilt she feels quicker than normal.
Did I mention my wife and I are going on a week cruise?
you said:
>>>>Evaluate ~ Is it really that bad? You might not have her in the win section right now, but isn't your relationship better then it has been in years?<<<<
yes, it is better than it's been in years, if i could only hear those words from her mouth.
and:
>>>>Much better for her I would say and she might just be afriad to lose this new you she has fallen in love with all over again.<<<<
ok, but she knows by now i am not going anywhere.
sleep is the only time my mind turns off. other than that i fret about it all the time.
niki-
you say:
>>>>ALLOW trust to rebuild, you are activly persuing her heart. From what you write, she LOVES you and knows you pretty damn good.<<<<
again, to hear those words from her would mean so much
and:
>>>>I know this is pain steaking. But if she is inviting you for dinner, and Sunday drives, her heart is still in it. She could give you the cold shoulder<<<<
yeah, i do think about that, the cold shoulder. she DOES still allow me close. watching movies on her tv, fixing me dinner in her house, having nice comfortable conversation, asking me advice about her troubles. it all makes me feel like there is a chance.
thanks y'all
OH YEAH...HUSBAND/KING
PLEASE give me insight into zaxxes. i am curious/interested.
yeah, i do think about that, the cold shoulder. she DOES still allow me close. watching movies on her tv, fixing me dinner in her house, having nice comfortable conversation, asking me advice about her troubles. it all makes me feel like there is a chance.
Keep in mind, when she asks you for advice about her troubles, she just wants you to listen. DO NOT try and help her.
Example:
"Hey, the other day I blah, blah, blah. What would you do if you were me?" - Wife
"Hmmm. Great question... I am not sure. What do you think you should do?" - Reponse
Another question, do you compliment her when you see her?
Like, "That's a nice dress. Is it new?" or "Did you do something different with your hair? It looks nice today."
These are basic things that need to be said on a daily basis.(Zaxxes speaks of this)
As for zaxxes.com, like I said, it saved my marriage. I followed the guide and learned from my mistakes. I used to be pushy, needy, etc. Now, I get an opinion from my wife on most things(money spending, dinner plans, etc.), but make the final decision on most things. I keep my wife happy, which in turn, makes me happy.
I never cared to ask her how she felt, etc. It was my way or the highway. I was pretty naive. Marriage is the least selfish you can do. I was not aware of this until I learned that.
Keep in mind, when she asks you for advice about her troubles, she just wants you to listen. DO NOT try and help her.
Example:
husband/king:
you said:
>>>>Keep in mind, when she asks you for advice about her troubles, she just wants you to listen. DO NOT try and help her.
"Hey, the other day I blah, blah, blah. What would you do if you were me?" - Wife
"Hmmm. Great question... I am not sure. What do you think you should do?" - Reponse<<<<
funny, dumb luck, that's how i handled it!
and
>>>>I used to be pushy, needy, etc.<<<
me too!
zaxxes.com the web doesn't give much info. i'm embarrassed to say i've spent a few dollars on "save your marriage" stuff. i just don't wanna be throwing good money after bad.
Keep in mind, when she asks you for advice about her troubles, she just wants you to listen. DO NOT try and help her.
Example:
husband/king:
you said:
>>>>Keep in mind, when she asks you for advice about her troubles, she just wants you to listen. DO NOT try and help her.
"Hey, the other day I blah, blah, blah. What would you do if you were me?" - Wife
"Hmmm. Great question... I am not sure. What do you think you should do?" - Reponse<<<<
funny, dumb luck, that's how i handled it!
and
>>>>I used to be pushy, needy, etc.<<<
me too!
zaxxes.com the web doesn't give much info. i'm embarrassed to say i've spent a few dollars on "save your marriage" stuff. i just don't wanna be throwing good money after bad.
I believe Save Your Marriage has the same type info. you should be ok with that one for now.
I think you are on the right trak my friend! Keep up the positive responses!
Now remember, it doesn't happen over night. Let her call the shots for awhile. I guarantee you she is seeing the positive changes in you.
Also, she could slip a negative in there from time to time. Dont let it get to you! Keep in mind she is testing to see if you are being trust worthy. Keep it up!
Re: separation is killing me, help! 
