and one more thing. time is taking it's toll on me emotionally. everything i read says that we are less than attractive to our spouse if we are not hapy. i have a hard time being happy when i'm separated from her. i've heard join a support group. why? to be around people who are miserable too. or stay busy to keep from falling into a funk. i'm in a funk and just feel horribly sad right now. in fact when we aren't together, i feel horribly sad. i don't feel like doing anything without my wife. help with suggestions please.
IMHO, time is the only way. I don't know what your rehab plan is but I'm sure at this point anything you do physically should be under your doctor's guidance, but when I was feeling as you are now the one thing that helped me the most was going to the gym or going for a run. A workout releases chemicals in the brain that actually help you feel better. The other benefit is working on yourself and putting your focus elsewhere...and your wife is likely to notice the results...especially in your case I would think that would be a great sign for her to see--you focused on your body and health.
If that is not possible for you I would look into other things that interest you. One thing I've read is that most men tend to be able to focus really well on something once they get into it. My husband started dabbling in woodworking and before long our garage started looking like Norm Abrahm's workshop & one day I went into the garage and asked him something 'Later we're invited to blah, blah, blah...what do you think?' His response was 'I think I need to cut this piece at 5 and 3/8' It made me smile because I had just read a book on understanding men that said when a man is focused on something, it's not a good time for conversation. Anyway, I'm digressing now but my point was if you are like this, finding something that interests you that you can put your focus into might help.
When you are spending time with your wife, it sounds as if you talk/laugh and I think she's definitely seeing how you are handling yourself now and looking for positive changes so keep that up. I've never tried the support group thing but maybe it's a way to share the sad feelings etc with someone not connected to the situation because if you lean on your wife for that it may make her feel guilty or that you are too needy and push her further away. I dunno, just my thoughts.
If you do start getting into something...say the kids' rooms at your house need painting and you do that...it will give you something to talk about with her where she sees you stepping up on your own.
swedish,
i know it will be worth the wait, you are right. i am just so lonely without her. i wish you knew. she is beautiful inside and out. thank you for not cramming the codependency stuff down my throat. i consider us "interdependent."
a friend of mine who has been involved it aa and thru lots of counseling says to "prepare yourself for the worst" in situations like this. Isn't that just stinkin' thinkin' at this point? won't that be wasted effort doing nothing but making me miserable, thereby less attractive to my wife, or anyone else?
and..last question. i've been seeing what i consider a pretty good counselor once a week.see if you can undrstand this: he has suggested her only attend every 4 or 5 weeks. when it's her turn, i alway freak out inside, afraid she's gonna say something i can't handle and blow up the work i've been doing, and believe me, i've been working. in fact it's feeling less and less like work.
what do you think of the 4-5 week interval?
thanks again.
Last edited by voivod; 06-17-2009 at 04:43 PM.
Reason: added last paragraph
holy smokes the be patient and don't push things camp wins again!
my wife graciously joins me and the kids on a drive up to our old summer getaway. on the way up, among other things she says, "it's nice to be around you when your not so uptight" (result of, i believe, having fun, laughing, joking, being my old self). then out of the blue, my son says "mom can we go camping today?" wife says: "no son, not today, but maybe dad can reserve our old spot for next weekend." so i reconfirm with her, you sure next weekend is ok? yes she says. consider campsight number 16 reserved at french creek! thank you everyone for your insight!!!
enjoy my family!!! you're sounding more and more like...well..here, you decide:
she invited me to our nephew's (her sister's son) 5 yr birthday. coulda been awkward with brother in laws and mother in laws and father in laws there. but she made it very comfortable, the invited me in when we got back to her place to watch a movie. yay! thanks for your advice and calm in the storm approach!
sounding like what ---- you got me worrying now ????
i just think i can help.
your both getting comfortable again, maybe take the next step forward with her?
ahhh your learning about your wife.
now its time to move forward together .
it's tough, because the closer i feel things are getting, the more results i wanna see. i touch her, but not invasively. rub on the back, touch her leg mmm, or her hand. she offered to put our bills together this morning. seems a good sign huh?
i know that your going the right way about all this.
when you see it , maybe your situation changing a little, either do the forward move or the backward move, your instincts wil tel u.
back of when u need to back of, move forward when and with her communication, move forward.
i wil send you a private note. you might be weary, thats ok, but just have alook.
oh by the way, speaking to her , how are you getting on.
have u talked about the future, that ud like time together.
what about a hotel.
im pretty sure, she wil know what your on about.
the craziest things keep happening. wife saw that i was in trouble financially (disability & health insurance cancelled said yesterday morning that maybe we should combine our resources) she's thinking about us having "our" money? oh, yeah...how about the camping trip? should i initiate any sexual contact? wait for her signal? due to our camping configuration, physical contact will be involved in our sleeping arrangements.
__________________
separated, honoring wife and family daily, she deserves the best me i can give her.
the camping trip is fab. but this is family time, and a time to let that heat between you rise.
what im saying here is let the sexual tension between you grow from there. the more you do things with eachother, i.e talk, touch.
well you cant exactly go for a romp with 4 children.
the more you touch her, well thats your intimate time. thats your growing time.
my counselor says he sees the situation as moving forward at "lightning speed" while i am seeing it go soooo sllllowwww. every day that goes by feels like a day lost. justean, i don't feel it is the right thing to do pushing a sexual agenda. do i want sexual contact? yes! but i feel like that would push her away. last night i tried to introduce a situation that would have resulted in one of us sleeping at the others' place, but she was insistant upon her going home to her apt. and falling asleep there. i didn't push it.
__________________
separated, honoring wife and family daily, she deserves the best me i can give her.
Re: separation is killing me, help!
