separation is killing me, help!

swedish · 08-19-2008, 12:56 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by voivod

god, i need help getting thru the days. it seems like this is taking so long. we are planning a yard sale right now for labor day weekend. feels like some wierd finality, as we are selling some of our stuff. nothing particularly sentimental, but i am a sentimental guy. i want this crappy separation over. i'm not drinking, have been a perfect gentleman, served and honored her for these almost eight weeks, i feel i deserve some concession. i'm wrong, aren't i?

hmmmm, let's do the math:

stroke/coma related to alcohol + wife by your side and scared out of her mind she would lose you + post-stroke no more alcohol promise to wife + 1 coors lite = almost 8 weeks separation

just my humble opinion, but I don't think you're there yet...think of each day you add to your end of the scale as increasing your commitment to her, your children and your future. It will balance at some point...the when is still unknown.

voivod · 08-19-2008, 01:35 PM

i know, the anxiety this creates is almost too much. if i just had my family back, this would be so much easier. and i understand how difficult the journey to this point was for beth. i just wish she'd understand i'm finished being a bad person. she sees it every day!

voivod · 08-19-2008, 01:57 PM

sorry. this is an emtional day. we're cleaning out the garage preparing for a yard sale. i'm stumbling upon a lotta memories today. beth says we gotta sell the house. she thinks it has bad karma. way to many bad things have happened to us since living here.

swedish · 08-19-2008, 02:28 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by voivod

i know, the anxiety this creates is almost too much. if i just had my family back, this would be so much easier. and i understand how difficult the journey to this point was for beth. i just wish she'd understand i'm finished being a bad person. she sees it every day!

I just had a thought regarding what you said about her difficult journey and in a previous post about her saying she felt she was living in a cage needing permission to buy clothes while you spent money on booze...when you are financially back on your feet what about putting a little $ away that would represent $ you would have normally spent on booze and when it gets to $100 buy her a gift certificate for the mall, etc. and then start the kitty over so it goes on and on. Just a little payback to show her you hear her and you want to make up those years.

Quote:

Originally Posted by voivod

sorry. this is an emtional day. we're cleaning out the garage preparing for a yard sale. i'm stumbling upon a lotta memories today. beth says we gotta sell the house. she thinks it has bad karma. way to many bad things have happened to us since living here.

This is also something that still connects you and that your kids find comfort in. If getting another place means all of you under one roof, YES! Otherwise it may make a future reconciliation harder if you both have apartment leases and would not all fit in one place or the other.

voivod · 08-19-2008, 04:10 PM

i'm looking at a place where we could all fit, affordable and spacious. i hope that, when the day comes, she'll be comfortable.

voivod · 08-19-2008, 05:05 PM

so i drove by the prospective new house and beth picks out the smaller place. says something like "when the kids stay here, they can sleep in this bedroom." not a mention of "when we all live together." it feels like i'm building my own gallows.

draconis · 08-20-2008, 12:11 AM

You have to understand that trust is a hard thing to gain back. Break trust once and you have to prove yourself a thousand times. That is quite a bit of weight. Don't look at everything as doom and gloom, It is okay to be prepared for the worst but plan for the best.

draconis

voivod · 08-20-2008, 12:26 AM

haha, that's my problem...i'm not prepared for the worst. i can't exist in that fatalistic place and conduct myself as up and joyful and happy with the "prepared for the worst" mindset going on. i've heard that before, but i don't know how people live in that place.
another great night on this roller coaster ride. rented another movie tonight, very comfortable. i told my 11 year old that tonight was as good as i've felt about us in quite a while. she agreed. i love that family!

i took swedishes advice and have started a little account for money to be deposited in that i used to spend on drinks, now it's beth's clothes account. she told me one of her frustrations was that i used to "spend all our money on booze & strippers and question any time she spent on clothes." alcohol is an evil mistress.
anyway, every time i perceive that i might have bought a drink, now i take that money and deposit it, then i'll get a gift certificate to a nice clothing store for her.

draconis · 08-20-2008, 12:32 AM

Nice thought that not only are you giving up drinking for her but that you are giving that money to her.

draconis

voivod · 08-20-2008, 12:58 AM

oh, it turns out i'm giving up drinking for us...promise kept late, but the clothes fund, that's for her. she deserves to know what it feels like to have my blessing on a clothing purchase.

voivod · 08-20-2008, 08:35 PM

drac, swedish, justean, amp, thank you so much for the doses of sanity. i'm headed over to her apt right now for another quiet evening with her & the kids.

draconis · 08-21-2008, 12:30 AM

I am sure I speak for everyone.

We wish you the best luck.

draconis

voivod · 08-21-2008, 01:05 PM

cut short last night, due to her being extremely tired. not much in the way of progress. but she did say out loud that she cared about me.

voivod · 08-22-2008, 02:12 PM

last night turned out great, short but great. we went to get pizza after kids soccer practice. i went over to her apt. to deliver the clothing gift certificate that swedish suggested, and she asked me if "making amends was hard" for me. she thought the gc was a part of my aa process. it's not, technically, but it sure could be. one of the big points my wife made to me upon separation was "all the money i spent on booze and strippers and i criticized her every time she purchased new clothes."

that hit me hard. it's amazing what the clarity of sobriety allows you to see. did i really do what she said??? i guess so. so i got kinda teary when she mentioned me "making amends" cuz that meant to me she saw progress, if she perceived i was on that step now.

i've been completely sober for 95 days and separated for 63 days. i am so impatient, want this nightmare to heal. i love her so much. to see her glow or sparkle when we are together, or to hear her say with pride "this is my husband" when she introduces me to a former co-worker, emotions flow sometimes.

first day of school for the kids coming up monday, and i set that day as a goal for when i wanted us back together, mostly because logistically it would work best. that's not gonna happen, so that'll be a tough day.

tonight we'll have some time together, but my oldest daughter (16) will be hovering because that's what she does, which won't leave us much time to chat. i think daughter is trying to be a protecter for her mom. my counselor says that's not uncommon, and it doesn't mean she doesn't want mom & dad back together. ok.

anyway, sorry for rambling. it's just that so many people have been so helpful that i wanted y'all to see an update.

thank you again.

draconis · 08-22-2008, 02:50 PM

Thanks for the update. Remember she knows that relapses are so easy to fall into and might be unsure still. I think she is noticing.

draconis