This is a good sign. You upped the ante - she was slightly shocked - only slightly, and she did not run a mile, or call the cops
She needs time to process what just happened. You moved the goal posts, and for 5 seconds she was not in control. What you should do now is back off. Don't call as much, and I'm telling you that little back rub will be playing on her mind - in a good way.
your opinion means a lot to me...question: my daughter is getting impatient too. she wants to ask mom what it all means...i've been telling her it's probably not a good idea for her to do that. what do you think?
Kids, no matter what their age, want to see their parents happy...and together, so I'm sure she is anxious and hopeful that the separation will end soon. As a mom, I am always grateful when my kids share things with me that bother them. When they are teens, sometimes it's things I wish I wasn't hearing, but I am still grateful that they feel comfortable enough to open up to me. I don't see anything wrong with telling her to be open with Beth with questions...this affects her future too. But I would leave those conversations between her and mom...the last thing you need is for Beth to think she is being set up to 'spy' or something.
Kids, no matter what their age, want to see their parents happy...and together, so I'm sure she is anxious and hopeful that the separation will end soon. As a mom, I am always grateful when my kids share things with me that bother them. When they are teens, sometimes it's things I wish I wasn't hearing, but I am still grateful that they feel comfortable enough to open up to me. I don't see anything wrong with telling her to be open with Beth with questions...this affects her future too. But I would leave those conversations between her and mom...the last thing you need is for Beth to think she is being set up to 'spy' or something.
spoke with counselor today..her opinion is that mom is giving only the info to my kids that they can handle emotionally. okay, i guess i understand that. counselor also feels that i have to hold beth accountable for recognizing my improvements. the improvements must, however, be identifiable and quantifiable.
that's the tough part, she says. because the improvements are subjective. i did hear a cool sermon today on "jealousy." i think God sent me to hear it! i'm starting to get it...sllllowwwly.
no beth today, except this morning before she went to work. and that was her choice.
i did hear a cool sermon today on "jealousy." i think God sent me to hear it! i'm starting to get it...sllllowwwly.
That's cool. I can read a book on the inner workings of a CPU no problem but when it comes to understanding my own various feelings....slllowwwwly says it all!
Do you talk to Beth about sermons that impact you? Sharing those light bulb moments would probably get her thinking about all the progress you have made/are making.
I designed a small 16 bit CPU recently, built up from the gate level. One instruction per clock cycle, and 2 or 3 addressing modes. I fitted the whole thing in a 20,000 gate CPLD with room to spare for the interface to the USB chip. It don't get any sexier than that.
Do you talk to Beth about sermons that impact you? Sharing those light bulb moments would probably get her thinking about all the progress you have made/are making.
no, i don't. i really try to stick to the plan. no talking heavy about relationship, only have fun. rebuild the friendship. no pressure. i think she'd think i was trying to manipulate her feelings. she does not know me as a God loving person. she's supposed to pick that up on her own.
we watched a movie the other night called "the genius club" or something like that. it had a faith based theme. it made quite an impact on both of us. she asked me what i thought about God. i told her. step one.
can i take a minute here to say something?
every day brings me new challenges. some days, just an utterance out of beth's mouth can make my day. other times any little variance in her attitude can take me down. today was a prime example. i asked her to have lunch with me. she declined, but she explained that in her new position at work, she has to take lunch at noon or she doesn't get one. but she did tell me "thank you for asking." so right now i feel prett good. had she stopped at "no," i'm sure i'd have been down in the dumps.
i'm sure you smart people have seen my "hot and cold" or "black and white" behavior. i know that causes problems in all my relationships. i don't know how to control it, but i wonder if it gets in the way of me and beth. i'm sure it does.
plus, in this anonymous setting, i can wear my emotions on my sleeve. and i do. so when i hear that bethie has made a statement out loud about living together again, my mood reflects that and i convey a "we're getting back together!" attitude. when the reality is, we're only getting closer. there's no date carved in stone.
i combine things to create a reality that works. like the lease on her apt being up, her acting more loving or open or softer, etc. i make it very difficult on myself, i'm sure.
i come here looking for someone to tell me "see, that means she still loves you!" or "i've been in her situation. you're making headway!" if i'm using this place wrong, i am sorry. but i am truly lost without her.
Whether it's counseling, posting here or keeping your mind at peace with Beth's words and actions, I think it all falls under doing the right thing...IMO that's what this place is for...to hopefully help in whatever way possible for you to get through this and the more you hear from various places you are able to soak in and sort out and take action to keep yourself moving forward.
Whether it's counseling, posting here or keeping your mind at peace with Beth's words and actions, I think it all falls under doing the right thing...IMO that's what this place is for...to hopefully help in whatever way possible for you to get through this and the more you hear from various places you are able to soak in and sort out and take action to keep yourself moving forward.
yes, i agree. i think circumstances are forcing my mind toward doing something i feel is totally destructive to the potential repair of the relationship. and i think it's because i see some light at the end of the tunnel. that light has teased me for days and now, i want to see it clearer.
my mind is at this point: what the heck do i have to lose? i am strongly considering forcing beth's hand, making her make a decision. scary, because i don't have a "horse in the race." but she has said out loud things that make my daughter believe we are going to live together again.
so i'm considering putting pressure on. make her make a decision. i'm getting tired of trying, you know what i mean? if she didn't want me around, she would have done something about it, right?
so i keep hopping back to you post where you said:
I had a pretty sizable wall of my own and MT is right on target here. She is the only one that will tear down the wall and for me it came down to 2 things:
*knowing not doing so would mean the end of my marriage
*feeling loved and safe enough that my husband wouldn't let me down
Which ever way things turn out with the test and the tough decisions that may follow, be really sure within yourself that you can forgive and move forward with your marriage before you put demands of her on the table. If you decide to stay, you will need to do it together...the 'ok you screwed up bad so now I'm calling all the shots' approach will only reinforce whatever feelings she was having back in December...that she is on her own, unsupported, alone.
i want to make beth feel like the marriage would end if she doesn't come around to my thinking. bad? good?
i want to make beth feel like the marriage would end if she doesn't come around to my thinking. bad? good?
Not sure. It really depends on Beth's state of mind with everything. In my case, I had no intentions of separating or divorcing so it hit me hard and I knew I needed to act. In Beth's case, she has already gone through the emotional difficulties of separating. In your situation, she may have not wanted it at all but felt it was the only option left at that point and I would imagine it wasn't something she took lightly. That's where I would worry that trying to force something might backfire...it took her years to finally take a stand and say 'no more' so in that sense I think she needs to feel really sure that when she reverses that stance that she's feeling confident things are and will remain stable on your end.
Bottom line, my second bullet point needs to be firmly in place (from Beth's perspective, not yours) before the first one can even be considered.
swedish,
i'm coming to the conclusion that at this point i should be happy with what i have (counselor helped me to that conclusion) and what i have is not what to work on. so, okay, i have her friendship and her mindset is changing with regard to moving back in together. neither the friendship nor the minset is perfect, but whatever i'm doing is working.
so i'm to keep going with my efforts to improve the friendship and hopefully time will take care of beth's mindset for moving back in. it's not happening today, but at least she's thinking that direction. your explanation for your walls coming down:
*knowing not doing so would mean the end of my marriage
*feeling loved and safe enough that my husband wouldn't let me down
is kinda hard because bullet point one indicate you were already moving the direction of reconciliation.
Re: separation is killing me, help! 
