I can understand your worries but this is a perfect oppurtunity to display trust. She needs to see that you trust her and her decission making. That you will not try to control her actions or the situation. By showing her that trust you stand to gain alot.
i'm a moron...unless there is something to worry about with her bowling and going out to dinner with her friends...such stupid anxiety...
she went bowling at the student union bldg...no alcohol and didn't go out clubbing...made it a point to make sure i knew...crazy i am...
dinner at her favorite restaurant got her a tummy ache
and...check this out mark twain...i took an incremental baby step up...kiss before leaving tonight...no resistance...baby steps buddy...slow and patient, doing all the right things...priceless...
It's like dating her all over again, isn't it? Hehe.
trust. i am not going to ask her about their night out, before or after. i am just going to worry. do i trust her? yeah. i don't like the potential for problems. and i don't trust alcohol.
Yeah. Check the worried attitude at the door. NEVER not trust her at this time. Watch her of course and make note of anything out of the ordinary. I keep a journal myself. It allows me to see patterns that my wife might be making.
Did you tell her that you are going to go out also? And have a few drinks with some friends?
You really need to show her that you are not going to sit around waiting for her to have a good time. If she goes out, you should do so also. Do not let her perceive you as weak and boring. Now is a crucial time for you to show her that you are a value.
Also, when going out, tell her about all the girls you ran into that night and the flirting they did with you. Do not tell her about the flirting you did with them though. Hehe.
Here's a question... How are you looking? You working out at all?
For the record: I don't think you are a moron. I'm glad to hear that things turned out nothing like you envisioned they could. Hopefully this will allow you to be a bit calmer about things in the future.
Still sounds like things are moving in the right direction for you. I keep reading your post waiting for the day that you tell us all that you have reached that point when things are clearly progressing the way you both want and you are able to start believing in your happily ever after together again.
Here's a question... How are you looking? You working out at all?
down 103 pounds...not toned up yet (stroke made my left side neurologically weak) but i'll get there. still tanned from the summer...i'm okay i guess...yes...rehab is definitely workout. plus i train my girls as soccer goalkeepers...i have an olympic delelopment team u-16...she works me hard!
down 103 pounds...not toned up yet (stroke made my left side neurologically weak) but i'll get there. still tanned from the summer...i'm okay i guess...yes...rehab is definitely workout. plus i train my girls as soccer goalkeepers...i have an olympic delelopment team u-16...she works me hard!
Down 103 pounds?!?! Wow! You must feel pretty good about yourself right now. That is no easy task my friend...
I lost about 25 pounds and I treadmill workout everyday for about 20-30 minutes to keep it off.
You are defintely on the right path, that is for sure. Keep it up!
Down 103 pounds?!?! Wow! You must feel pretty good about yourself right now. That is no easy task my friend...
I lost about 25 pounds and I treadmill workout everyday for about 20-30 minutes to keep it off.
You are defintely on the right path, that is for sure. Keep it up!
hitk-
this isn't about me physically...i have, over the years, worn her out...as i look back, what i see is a woman who catered to me...did everything in her power to make me happy...and i didn't show appreciation.
now, i am on the other side of the equation...i am doing everything i can to make sure she knows of my appreciation...i just don't know if it's enough now...
i know i cannot drink and give her the amount of effort that she deserves...so that part of my life has changed forever...
we spend almost every night with each other watching movie or tv...dinner often...it seems to me if she wanted this marriage to end, she would not invite me or accept my invitation to spend this time together...and that she would take ther legal route to end the marriage...
i am so thankful that she has not done that. all i need is for her to allow the "walls" to come down and give me a fair assesment. i think i could make her happy.
regarding your first suggestion, i truly am not interested in being flirty with other women. i could not do that, my own character cannot do that. i feel it would be damaging. i don't want to make her feel jealous or anything similar.
i am interested in your zaxxes info. please review my thread and pass along any other advice you might have. thank you.
Isn't it funny that everytime you "over analyze" a sitution that Beth puts herself in(going out with her friends).....it always turns out there was nothing for you to be worried about?
You don't have to know who her friends are to trust her....she has a level head on her shoulders and has proved to you that she isnt going to do "something stupid". You don't need to worry yourself about who she is friends with or what she is going to do when she goes out with them...worry yourself about how you portray your reaction to her.
Isn't it funny that everytime you "over analyze" a sitution that Beth puts herself in(going out with her friends).....it always turns out there was nothing for you to be worried about?
You don't have to know who her friends are to trust her....she has a level head on her shoulders and has proved to you that she isnt going to do "something stupid". You don't need to worry yourself about who she is friends with or what she is going to do when she goes out with them...worry yourself about how you portray your reaction to her.
Grats on the kiss!!!!
it's comforting that i don't have to worry but it turns out that i don't have to and i feel ridiculous...
y'know i looked through photos from her scrapbooks a couple of nights ago...one of the things that drive me mad is the amount of women who choose to not wear there wedding ring and when &why they choose to not wear it...i just noticed that beth had hers on in every setting where her friends didn't...god i was stupid...i let my intense (then) jealousy or whatever it was control my emotions...if i had the ability then to control my own thoughts about stuff like that then, i might not be in this situation...
sprite...
i went back and read your original thread...you are beth and i am your husband!!!!
i have to ask you, what the hell is wrong in your marriage? and why can't you just accept what your husband is doing to make you happy?
admittedly, i could say the same thing to beth!
i patiently await your answer.
NOTE ADDED AFTER POSTING: these are not sarcastic questions. they sound that way in retrospect. please do not take them that way.
What is wrong in my marriage is that the trust I had in the man that was supposed to pick me above all other things has been lost and trampled on. I have been taken advantage of and feel like I have been used for many many years. I stuck by him because I was being told that its what a wife does. I am a very loyal person. Beside the fact that I was threatened that i would never see my kids again(I don't think you did this to Beth...at least I hope not). So I stayed...all the time thinking that this is the bed I made, I must lie in it. The feelings I had over the years were basically feelings of being pretty much useless for anything other than taking care of the kids, cleaning the house, doing the bills, making sure he had what he needed. I was a live in maid, babysitter, nurse, accountant, and anything else you can think of that had no real say in any decision making. And because I was his wife, it was my duty to fulfill his desires without any considertaion for my own. There was no time for me or what I wanted, only him. So he got it all!
He is a very persuasive person and may as well be a salesman(no offense) becuase he had me convinced that this was the way it was supposed to be. I was the wife who didn't get introduced to people, I was the wife who did as she was told, I was the wife who was supposed to remain in the background while he was allowed to shine. While I was doing everything for him, I was left behind. He took and took and took everything he could get from me without a thought that maybe I needed more. But since I made a committment and we have children, it was to remain this way.
So now you ask why can't I just accept the fact that he is trying to make me happy now? Well, to be totally honest....I don't want it from him now. I wanted it years ago, but I wasn't important enough to him then for him to give me any little thing. I'm not talking about material things, they don't matter. I have gotten so used to him NOT being around that I began to enjoy it. I can not accpet what he is doing to make me happy now because it does not feel genuine. It feels like he is doing it to save his own ass because he doesn't want to be alone. It feels to me like a game...he has always known how to get his way, and he is doing just that now. He tells me he wants me to be happy weather it is with him or without him, but he doesn't really mean that. He wants me to be happy as long as it is with him. Along with the fact that over the years I have come to realize that he has ruined my trust, not only the trust I have in him, but others as well. One night when we were having a talk, I told him that if I had to make a decision right now at that moment...the way I was feeling was that he was NOT in my heart and I wanted to be done with him. For that moment I forgot about everyone but myself and MY happiness....but then he mentioned the kids, and I broke down because I have always vowed to myself that i would never make my kids go motherless or fatherless by divorcing. I refuse to carry on the legacy of MY own family. So I stay because of my kids..they need me, he doesn't. He never needed me, he only thought he did.
I had lack of self esteem issues when I met him, and in the beginning he helped me to get over a lot of that. But in the end, he only made it worse because he did the same thing to me. After years of being in the background, and feeling that you are not smart and don't know anything, one tends to start believeing it. So when he tells me NOW that I am smart, and I am creative, and whatever other compliments he throws my way, I don't believe him because he didnt believe in me enough to tell me those things when I needed for him to.
Because of how he neglected me in the past and the way our converstions always went, I still do not trust that what he says and does is real. I feel like he doesn't really mean them, its just his way of trying to get his way again and getting what he wants. Think about it, after 20 years of marriage and no real compliments, why should they seem like the truth now? I have no proof that he is genuine, he has never showed me that in the past. Why should I trust it now? What he has shown me is his pattern for changing for the moment, but once things get back to good for him....he finds something else to occupy his time. Why should I give him the chance to do that to me again?
When we first got married, we had plans. It feels like the same thing now. We have plans, but the pattern has always been to put that on hold until (insert what ever reason you want here). What assurance do I have that those plans will ever see the light of day? None of them have in the past...what makes the present so different?
I hope this can shed some light on your situation. And I am sorry if I sound bitter, but at the moment I am feeling bitter and sad. All the great ideas we had in the beginning and how great things could have been...if only I was important enough to matter to him since the beginning, and not until just now. In the end, he did not live up to his promises of being a good husband and father...untill he was on the verge of loosing it all. That would embarrass him, so he has to do what he must to keep it so he can feel better about himself.
maybe you are just going to punish him now by not allowing his efforts to make a difference. after all those years maybe he just deserves to be as miserable now and in the future as you apparently were, and that would show him.
if bitter and sad is what you are now, and if you can justify not being "taken in" by his fake changes, maybe your way to punish him for the past is to not "give in."
sound reasonable?
i am sad for you. you make a good argument against change for the better. it's a hard lesson that we learn. that you can't, or won't, accept that we can't change the past but only for the future. we want to make your future as glorious as we can.
Re: separation is killing me, help! 
