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Old 08-22-2008, 10:24 PM   #76 (permalink)
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Default Re: separation is killing me, help!

damn, tonite were apart for the first time in awhile. she's tired from working so much, but her "no" to the community showing of pirates of the carribean felt like rejection. i'll miss her tonite. i felt like there was so much progress being made.
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Old 08-22-2008, 10:31 PM   #77 (permalink)
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damn, tonite were apart for the first time in awhile. she's tired from working so much, but her "no" to the community showing of pirates of the carribean felt like rejection. i'll miss her tonite. i felt like there was so much progress being made.
Just remember even in solid relationships there are disappointments from the mundane life.

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Old 08-23-2008, 12:17 AM   #78 (permalink)
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hey drac,
every time i get to the point where i feel good about things, i find something that send me into a bit of a tailspin. i saw a post of yours tonight that said separation usually end in divorce. true? why the heck should i feel good about the progress we've made during our separation?
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Old 08-23-2008, 03:17 AM   #79 (permalink)
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hey drac,
i saw a post of yours tonight that said separation usually end in divorce. true?
Very true but let's put it in a better perspective. Most people that seperate do so as a step towards divorce. They will not even give their spouse the time of day, let alone a second thought. You have already overcome a lot in this area.

Second thing I'd like to say is that I think your positive attitude has helped you and I believe that you need to keep it to hold your chances open.

Third, having a healthy spirit and mind will not only help your relationship with her, but your life in general. Even if things get bad and you fall a notch or two, you still will not be as far down as if you had been lower on the scale.

So keep hope, you are breaking all the odds so far.

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Old 08-23-2008, 06:30 PM   #80 (permalink)
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Default Re: separation is killing me, help!

uh, oh, one of my kids was snoopin thru the cell phones and found a text message to her step-nephew sent by mom that said she "likes being single." what the hell...
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Old 08-23-2008, 10:29 PM   #81 (permalink)
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uh, oh, one of my kids was snoopin thru the cell phones and found a text message to her step-nephew sent by mom that said she "likes being single." what the hell...
I will assume it to be the 16 year old. But do you find it that stange that something like the freedom from a relationship can seem exciting after such a long time in a relationship. She has a fantasy of how great single life can be.

"The grass is always greener."

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Old 08-23-2008, 11:43 PM   #82 (permalink)
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Default Re: separation is killing me, help!

drac,

for clarification, the text was on my wifes phone from our step-nephew. friends with my 16 yr old.

last laugh the best laugh...if i was worried, my worries were reduced tonight...i brought her flowers and a card saying some of the things i've had a hard time with (things like the gratitude for being there to do the evaluation on me after my stroke, getting me prompt medical care, having the top neurosurgeon in the region on stand by in case surgery was neccesary, etc.) and she changed plans on me. swimming, no...go to a movie, YES!

we are both big fans of the old Get Smart series, and we had planned to see the movie "when it came out" before our separation. she paid, it felt like a real date.

she looked in my eyes during every funny part waiting to see my reaction. i laughed had such a great time, and she set another time and asked me to pick the movie for tomorrow night.

finally, yeah i'm sure she is loving being single, the only guy she's dating (me) is treating her like the princess she deserves to be treated like.
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Old 08-24-2008, 12:32 AM   #83 (permalink)
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So why worry,

I think you needed to learn how to better treat her and you have become the man of her dreams. Now to stay with it, forget the worries and be the best you, that you can for her.

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Old 08-24-2008, 02:22 AM   #84 (permalink)
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drac,
y'know, throughout my life i've been the guy who fixes things, professionally, that was my major role in both careers. so not being able to "fix" this has bee tough on the ego & self esteem. i felt backed into a corner with the latest development.

to fix it, i hunkered back and did the things i know to be right: chill out, act with confidence (she laughed when i strode thru the doorway holding the bouquet like a fencing epee and gave a quick "slash", sort of an "off with there heads jesture.) and HAVE FUN!!! i was treated to a wonderful night out and a return request for tomorrow.

beth also invited herself to look at houses with me tomorrow. i'm downsizing for the sake of my health. big mortgage led to big stress.

the child i was worried about thru this separation (11 yr old girl, 3rd child, daddy'd girl) was thrilled by our actions tonight.

i can't believe i'm still awake. insomnia by euphoria. i'll take it.

drac, i'm falling in love with her again. acts of kindness, honor, service, all are incredible for this. i'm falling in love again!!!
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Old 08-24-2008, 03:03 AM   #85 (permalink)
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drac, i'm falling in love with her again. acts of kindness, honor, service, all are incredible for this. i'm falling in love again!!!

Great to hear, I fall in love with my wife every day. After ten years she says she still has butterflies when she sees me.

w00t!

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Old 08-25-2008, 11:34 PM   #86 (permalink)
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today at individual counseling, my counselor said something about beth being co-dependent. holy crap that scared me. he went on to identify her natural father (abandonment) her step dad (alcoholic) her mother (enabler) he nailed it, right down the line. said she was drawn to traits she obseved growing up. knowing her story, i feel so bad for her. i want her to be happy. he said if i fulfilled the roles without displaying the negatives (alky, abandonment, etc.) then she would be happy. and when she tries to "take power" (thru controlling her environment, just offer to "do it for her" (she has done almost everything in our relationship, includung buying the houses, arranging leases, all the big stuff, because she's felt she had to (i guess an alcoholic isn't able to). does this sound psycho-babbly to y'all or does it make sense? have you been in counseling and gotten a read like this. by the way, he too said i should relax, the evidence proves she wants to be with me. uh, ok. ps-we had dinner at the restaurant where my 16yr old daughter (protector of mom) works. great time, but she was a little cranky cuz she was tired and hungry. invited me in to her house afterwards for a donut. we kinda got a giggle outta some sexual innuendo about that. yay!
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Old 08-26-2008, 08:05 AM   #87 (permalink)
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Keep in mind that labels tend to be right more often then not, enviroment plays a big role in how we handle things. It doesn't mean that they are always right.

I am glad to see things are still moving forward for the both of you.

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Old 08-26-2008, 12:54 PM   #88 (permalink)
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why does she keep going to dinner and movies and the park and long sunday drives with me if she wants to be separated??? i'm sure many guys would be hapy with this situation given the alternative, but i am having a hard time with the notion that she's acting like we're still together! don't get me wrong, i love the chance to be with her, but d@mn, we could be living under the same roof right now and things wouldn't be much different than they are right now.
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Old 08-26-2008, 01:51 PM   #89 (permalink)
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why does she keep going to dinner and movies and the park and long sunday drives with me if she wants to be separated??? i'm sure many guys would be hapy with this situation given the alternative, but i am having a hard time with the notion that she's acting like we're still together! don't get me wrong, i love the chance to be with her, but d@mn, we could be living under the same roof right now and things wouldn't be much different than they are right now.

I doubt she believes that and she needs the proof that this isn't short lived for her to get her trust back. As I have said before my FIL was 18 years sober and then went off the wagon for a couple of months.

Trust is a hard thing to gain back after you lost it.

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Old 08-26-2008, 04:31 PM   #90 (permalink)
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just got back from lunch with her (makes you sick, huh, i'm whining about separation, many guys don't spend this much time with their wives normally) and she vented on me about her work. i listened, didn't give any advice, laffed at the appropriate times and had a great time. she actually had a few questions about my individual counseling. i think we're getting together tonight too. i hope.
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