separation is killing me, help! - Page 7

draconis · 08-27-2008, 01:01 AM

Wow sounds great, keep up the great work you are doing.

draconis

swedish · 08-27-2008, 05:04 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by voivod

today at individual counseling, my counselor said something about beth being co-dependent. holy crap that scared me. he went on to identify her natural father (abandonment) her step dad (alcoholic) her mother (enabler) he nailed it, right down the line. said she was drawn to traits she obseved growing up. knowing her story, i feel so bad for her. i want her to be happy. he said if i fulfilled the roles without displaying the negatives (alky, abandonment, etc.) then she would be happy. and when she tries to "take power" (thru controlling her environment, just offer to "do it for her" (she has done almost everything in our relationship, includung buying the houses, arranging leases, all the big stuff, because she's felt she had to (i guess an alcoholic isn't able to). does this sound psycho-babbly to y'all or does it make sense? have you been in counseling and gotten a read like this.

I've never heard this professionally, but boy I can relate to her childhood and controlling her environment because she had to...makes perfect sense to me on a personal level because it describes how I am.

Over the last several months I've talked to my husband about this and basically I think he thought I wanted to control things but I told him I would love to stop but fear if I don't do it, it won't get done and that's more stress than just doing it myself. Anyway, once he understood where I was coming from (and he came into my life when I was divorced w/3 kids and saw me doing everything) and knew I would welcome his help, he stepped right up. Again, the communication thing.

I appreciate everything he has offered to take off my plate and now have very little stress and feel loved and cared for. I think offering to do things for her is a great idea. He went a step beyond taking things off of my plate...he also added some things...like making me breakfast on the weekends, 'swedish' night where he makes dinner, runs me a bath, gives me a massage, etc. (save up some ideas for when you are all under 1 roof again

) ~or~ invite her and the kids over for dinner...you do all the cooking/clean-up & give her a sneak preview of the sweet life when she comes back

Keep it up...it really is moving forward even though it might seem like things aren't going fast enough, each day she is seeing the new you.

voivod · 08-27-2008, 06:14 PM

>>>Keep it up...it really is moving forward even though it might seem like things aren't going fast enough, each day she is seeing the new you.<<<

whew, counselor says it's moving lightning fast, i feel like it's going sssslllooowwww as mollasses.

she introduced me as her husband again last night. wow, i'm grasping at straws aren't i?!?!?

voivod · 09-01-2008, 05:15 PM

fast forward a couple of weeks, she used the d-word in reference to a couple of friends at work, which freaked me out.

then she went to the drive-in with me, and said she would like to go again next weekend.

the counselor says all systems are go for a sllloooww reconciliatiomn. ok, i'll take slow. it beats the hell out of the alternative. thank you everyone for your words of encouragement here. i'm not kidding when i say i couldn't have gotten thru this to this point without it.

draconis · 09-01-2008, 08:19 PM

Hopely everything works the way you want it too, and you become a better person in the process. I'll always be here for you. A side note, I have been having problems with my work computer so I have not been on as much.

draconis

draconis

voivod · 09-02-2008, 04:27 AM

drac,

i did visit your myspace page and wanna say that your dedication to people who need some help is awesome. i read all the blog entries, and i think i've found something in all of them that is helpful.

on a side note, i was awakened this morning at 1:45 by a strong sense of an omnipotent being trying to tell me something. that is, an understanding swept over me with regard to my separation as to why it is taking so long to heal itself. i woke with relief to find that God is listening.

whew, i'm still breathless by the feeling, but it is real! everything is gonna be ok.

i had one of those dinner/movie stay at home dates last night with my wife. it was incredibly comfortable. i felt closer to her than i had for awhile. went to sleep peacefully tonight, to be awakened to the overwhelming thought that God was telling me something. i've turned into a prayin' man since the stroke, and his answer was clear to me tonite: the reason this separation was going to make me agonize as to it's length is that i will never again take beth or my family for granted again. He's going to make this be uncomfortable to remind me of that. wow!

draconis · 09-02-2008, 02:38 PM

Job 12:24-25 (King James Version)

24He taketh away the heart of the chief of the people of the earth, and causeth them to wander in a wilderness where there is no way.

25They grope in the dark without light, and he maketh them to stagger like a drunken man.

Genesis 29:19-21 (King James Version)

19And Laban said, It is better that I give her to thee, than that I should give her to another man: abide with me.

20And Jacob served seven years for Rachel; and they seemed unto him but a few days, for the love he had to her.

21And Jacob said unto Laban, Give me my wife, for my days are fulfilled, that I may go in unto her.

Footprints

One night I had a dream--
I dreamed I was walking along the beach with the Lord
and across the sky flashed scenes from my life.
For each scene I noticed two sets of footprints,
one belonged to me and the other to the Lord.
When the last scene of my life flashed before me,
I looked back at the footprints in the sand.
I noticed that many times along the path of my life,
there was only one set of footprints.
I also noticed that it happened at the very lowest
and saddest times in my life.
This really bothered me and I questioned the Lord about it.
"Lord, you said that once I decided to follow you,
you would walk with me all the way,
but I have noticed that during the most troublesome times in my life
there is only one set of footprints.
"I don't understand why in times when I needed you most,
you should leave me."
The Lord replied, "My precious, precious child,
I love you and I would never, never leave you
during your times of trial and suffering.
"When you saw only one set of footprints,
it was then that I carried you."

...Mary Stevenson

voivod · 09-03-2008, 04:00 PM

strong stuff drac...

i am so much calmer since the God thing happened to me. that was so intense. i am still sad, but the hope that lies in the fact that she's still spending time with me.

no one can predict the future, but everyone is saying good things about this marriage. i so hope they are right. i'm fully accepting that patience is a necesary ingredient in the healing.

all i am asking is a little optimism from this forum to keep me moving forward. you know that this can be so draining.

thanks,
chris

ps-sorry to all for the doom and gloom early on. this relationship and family mean the world to me. i hope one day i can report back that this marriage is healed.

swedish · 09-03-2008, 04:15 PM

Hi Chris,

I'm glad you found this place .... no need to apologize, many of us came here in similar states of mind. One thing about your situation is that it is obvious your wife cares for you dearly and you are growing each day as far as your patience and acceptance of why this is all happening. I look forward to the day you report back that all is healed and we are all here in the meantime.

voivod · 09-03-2008, 04:52 PM

i'm glad i found this place too. i am truly impressed by the empathy shown by the moderators and supporters. also, seemingly a deep amount of wisdom. we are truly blessed to have this resource available. no way most of us have friends and family with enough energy to endure our storms.

good news i think. i just got a text back from beth and she's considering doing couples therapy with me starting monday (fingers firmly crossed). pray for this please. i've been witness to miracles (i lived and i can walk). no reason to not expect 'em now, huh!!!

draconis · 09-04-2008, 02:19 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by voivod

good news i think. i just got a text back from beth and she's considering doing couples therapy with me starting monday (fingers firmly crossed). pray for this please. i've been witness to miracles (i lived and i can walk). no reason to not expect 'em now, huh!!!

Couples? Great it seems like things are getting much better. Just remember how important she is and never stop all the wonderful things you have done to get her to this stage. That angel deserves your best.

draconis

MarkTwain · 09-04-2008, 02:49 PM

What a result! Well done.

voivod · 09-04-2008, 03:13 PM

thanks to all in advance for your support. i am at a bit of a mental crossroads. i've told my wife that i'm not giving up, i think she sees that in my efforts. but the one thing i'm wandering around thinking is, other than the beer issue of may 19th and some peripheral (sp) issue such as jealousy, i don't really know what i've done wrong. we're separated for something (the beer) that i have dealt with.

i want to ask forgiveness, actually have and have not received forgiveness from beth. should i press the issue? if she doesn't see that i'm dealing with it, forgiveness will never come. and i think she needs to forgive (for her) to eventually reconcile. is this the wrong way to look at things right now?

WOW NO ONE CAN SAY THIS SEPARATION STUFF IS BORING! THE TEXT ON MY PHONE JUST WENT off, i'm on pins and needles because...
sweet, she just texted me back and confirmed she'll be at our monday therapy with doctor rice. she knows his wife is gonna be there, and she knows his wife is a therapist/clinical psychologist who works with dr. rice and couples therapy. this is good, i hope.
i'm always scared i'll get ambushed with negative information. this is the woman who said in the lobby of the office, before my very first individual session "let's hope this works." yeah, hope and PRAY

draconis · 09-04-2008, 04:32 PM

I PM'd you my thoughts. I hope that this weekend goes well for you and monday is the start of the healing process for your mariage.

draconis

voivod · 09-05-2008, 04:19 PM

drac,
thanks, my friend. i'm afraid this thing has put me into some kind of depression. i hardly want to get out of bed, and i'm always in a horrible place mentally. i dwell on negative and am not sleeping well, staying up way too late. i gotta beat this. y'know, one thing that would cure it is some hope for reconciliation. i'm tryin' buddy. i just wanna believe that her going with me on monday is a good thing