ok, i'm gonna lay my whole story out in this first post, indulge me please. i had a potentially devastating stroke on 1/25/08. i am now at home, on my way to (neurologist and physiologist say) near full recovery. I see my wife as a guardian angel, let me explain: she says God told her to stay home from work the day of my stroke. she found me in bed, paralyzed completely on my left side. she did the assessment on me (she works in the medical industry) called 911, got the top neurosurgeon in the region (not my opinion, wife works at a docs office, this guy come highly recommended) on standby in case they needed to crack my head open to stop the bleeding (stroke was a massive cva rather than the more common eschemic). i was in a coma for 7 days, and the first 3 days & nights i was in the hospital my bp was wildly out of control (210/115 was a not an uncommon reading during this time) doc said 72 hours, if i survive that long and it doesn't come down, he's going in. anyway, docs notice that when wife is with me, bp goes down. she was staying at the hosp this whole time, sleeping in a chair next to my bed at night. she would hold my hand, bp would go down. this confounded docs, but she got full credit when bp returned to a semi-normal reading of 150/90 by day three. so here i am today, this is the "love of my life" and if ya don't understand that, wow.
we met at work in 1988 while i was still married to my first wife, co-habitated for 3+ years, married in 1991 have 4 children girl 16, girl 11, girl 9, boy 5. no adultery during this marriage, BUT heavy alcohol use (me) and issues that arose from that (money, anger with NO physical abuse, probably integrity issues as she sees it), cuz i did a high profile LOCAL (i'm NOT that guy, but the show was similar) radio show in a medium market where i have lived most of my life. people know me, and i wonder if she feels my cavalier on air persona was a reflection on her. lots of things that have left what i have learned is called "wreckage from the past" that has created some resentment.
Sooo...i'm home from the hospital in april. it gets hot here, and one of my rehab goals was to push the mower around, mow my own lawn, guess what...i did, and can! so i come in from a typically hot late spring afternoon here (100 degrees) for a cool drink. i open the fridge and "voila!" sitting there was an ice cold coors lite. i popped it and drank it, violating a post stroke promise i'd made to her: no more alcohol, as that it a cause of the conditions that led to the stroke.
she comes home and asks "where's the beer that was in the fridge?" i tell her i had it and holy [censored] she goes into a rage. scared mt younger two daughters, tears and flinging her wedding ring at me and saying "how can you do this to me after i saved your life?? is that all the more you care???" and said "that's it. i'm leaving."
she ratholed money awat for the next 3 weeks and moved out on june 20th. in those 3 weeks i was as perfect a gentleman as i could be, to the point where she called my sister in AZ and told her she "was having 2nd thoughts" about separating. now i felt the move out coming (she's very strong willed) and prayed "please God let Beth see that i am trying to be a better man" began attending aa (sober now for 77 days) and seeing a counselor for the other issue and i'll be a sunuvagun this guy is anti co-dependency. see's it as destructive and feels it has infiltrated al-anon (comment if any of you have sensed that). wife has been at both counseling sessions that her presence has been requested. I WANT THIS WOMAN BACK!!! i love her so much, my kids and me need a complete family inluding me, her, and our precious 4 babies!!!
here's what's going on right now, wife continues to keep me close. in fact we're spending more time together now than when we lived together (part of which can be attributed to the fact that i haven't worked since the stroke. anyway, i've been replaying in my mind a few hard-core hurtful comment she's shot at me during the separation (your love was like a cage, you were always so insecure, i had to justify buying clothes while you were spending our money on booze..) but here's the thing: lemme give you an example of a day right now. she get's a dvd movie, we go swimming, she cooks dinner and we hang out till 10pm or so when the kids go to bed and i go "home" (hard to call it home when she's not there) last saturday's agenda: she invited me to attend a fund raising showing of wizard of oz at a downtown theater, then she went to her mom's house to pick some sweet corn. then she got back to the apartment, she called me all cheery and invited me to pick up a couple of things at the store, pick up napoleon dynamite at hastings and come over & have dinner and watch movie.
all this from a woman who doesn't love me ??? can't live with me??? don't misunderstand me, i'm reading smalley's book "how to win back your wife" and i'm following all his suggestions. i KNOW i've made mistakes. i AM honoring my wife now, big time.
i'm doing aa, sober for several weeks, seeing a counselor. etc.
i know that's a long story, sorry, i just wanted you guys to know there's a history here. my question is: is there anything else i could be doing for my marriage? my wife? our children? i want us back together soo baaad.
all this from a woman who doesn't love me ??? can't live with me???
I think she doesn't love the you that was drinking to the point of almost dying and breaking your promise to stop. That's the guy she can't live with. I think #1 is staying sober.
Everything else you are doing is great, you just need to give it time. She needs to see the changes will stand the test of time...to her, it went out the window when you grabbed that beer. Stay strong.
breaking the promise was the straw that broke the camels back.
i have had 13 yrs of my hubby drinking issues. it has been the bain of my life and it always hurts.
supported him through this and that.
and what do you get in the end- broken promises.
his drinking helped with his one night stand in april 08.
but as a wife i have put up with to many of his demons.
i dont have any of them , no smoke, no alcohol, no drugs, no infidelty.
the only thing my hubby not done was the drugs.
but i am at a point where i accept i love my hubby, but i dont have to put up with his demons.
your wife simply has just had enough.
but she does love you.
im a theatre nurse and i have seen what you have been through many times. its devastating.
my hubbys mate also had a stroke from drinking and he ws on 27 at the time.
he made a full recovery. but he lost it all , time and time again.
you simply have to change .
your wife still seems devoted to you.
stay away from the pub and ppl that lead you astray.
take and do things with your wife, that you have never done b 4 with her.
so i'm doing things right, give it time? i swear i feel like i'm coming apart. it feels like "hang in there" is the best tactic, and geez i am, but i stare at pictures from our wedding day and my heart is just breaking. everything we do together, we are getting along so well. why do you suppose she can't see fit to be together and work on things? i know you don't know me, but i am never going to have another alcoholic beverage again. i have the ability to do that. oh God i wish she could know this.
justean,
you sound like you know from where i come. you say: but she still loves you what indicates that to you? that is the one bit of hope i'm holding onto.
yeh i know where your wife is coming from. but where you come from, is where my hubby has been.
yeh i do think she stil loves u.
she does undertstand you.
shes just really p"""ssed with you and needs a cooling down period.
she probably just cant live with you/ without you situation.
i think you both need that time regarding reconnecting with eachother.
im gonna be honest here, i dont mind n e thing in moderation.
i dont even mind hubby drinking as long as we dont have adverse reactions. i.e kids. family life
at some point you might want to broach the topic of alcohol. really ask her what is acceptable for her.
would she mind if you had the odd one. but do you think youd go of the wagon again. or maybe you wood av to give it up total.
only you and your wife know these issues, because its so personal.
communication is the key here.
obviously you dont rush things.
but when you go out with her.
contact does not have to be touch at this point. it could be just looking at her, take a moment to look into her eyes.
you wil see if they still sparkle.
if she did not want to be around you, i guarantee you, she wouldnt.
you are already having an impact, because she wants to do things with you and for you.
dont give up just yet.
buy her some flowers for when u next c her.
take a moment to look into her eyes.
you wil see if they still sparkle.
i did!!! i saw a sparkle!!! last suturday she was snapping a picture off with me & my sister on her cell phone, she paused to look at the pic, there was a sparkle in her eye! my sis saw it too, independent of me.
and:buy her some flowers for when u next c her
i did last night. she has been having a gall bladder issue, so she had me pick up prescription for her. so i bought her a card with a really cute get well in it, stuffed a hundred dollars in it and sais she should use the money to buy a new outfit or something and had my cute little youngest daughter give her the get well card and a bouquet of flowers!!
***btw, the $100 was not a bribe or anything. she mentioned that she had an issue with me with regard to booze consumption. she said once that "you spent all our money on booze and questioned me for buying clothes." i wanted her to know i took that to heart and remembered her hurt.
Last edited by voivod; 08-07-2008 at 05:28 PM.
Reason: added last paragraph
I wanted to add my thoughts on the alcohol use. I know that once your body gets to a point where you are hospitalized and in a coma as a result of alcohol (indirectly or not) you can recover and lead a long life (the liver is an amazing organ that way).
My mother was there. She stopped drinking and found herself fidgety and asked me to teach her to needlepoint. Her mother taught me and once my mother got hooked, she did beautiful work and kept her focus off of having a drink. She stayed sober for 2 years.
At some point, the stress of life got the best of her and she started drinking again. The doctors told her that if she did, her body would not be able to handle it. She used to drink wine, but decided to try vodka as she could hide it and figured she wouldn't drink as much. Within a few months, my dad found her non-responsive and she was taken by ambulance to a hospital near where I worked. I got there before she did and when they brought her in I had enough time to hold her hand (she squeezed it) and told her I was there and that I loved her. She went into a coma and one by one her organs shut down. She died the next day with her husband, five children and best friend with her. She was 56.
Her daughter was 7 months pregnant with her grandson that she would never meet. She made a needlepoint baby blanket for him that her husband wrapped and brought to the hospital when the baby was born, holding back tears as he handed it to his daughter. That daughter was me.
She was a wonderful person, mother and friend and I still miss her. Your wife is doing what she needs to do to protect herself and the kids so they never have to go through that. She is hoping that while she is gone you will take serious inventory of yourself and make permanent changes. So at all costs, stay sober, keep doing all that you are and make the most of this second chance at life as I believe it will lead to a second chance with her. I seriously doubt a third chance is possible.
***btw, the $100 was not a bribe or anything. she mentioned that she had an issue with me with regard to booze consumption. she said once that "you spent all our money on booze and questioned me for buying clothes." i wanted her to know i took that to heart and remembered her hurt.
On a lighter note, this is awesome...the best response my husband gets from me is when he remembers something that I said some time ago and then acts on it...very cool.
swedish,
thank you for taking an interest. what do you think about these other "save your relationship" websites that would tell me i'm going too far in trying to win my wifes love back. they suggest counter intuitive things, like date other people, don't call, dont go outa the way to fulfil emotion need of separated partner, etc.?
That sounds like a plan for those whose spouses are having an affair. I don't think that would be a good idea in your case because your wife seems to want you in her life, she's just guarding herself in case you revert back.
revert back??? again, i'm not a patient person. i'm not reverting back! how other than time can i show her that. if i asked her today, i'd bet she'd say "i don't want you back." i don't wanna hear that. is time the only thing?
btw-did i mention that she asked me to be an assistant coach for her on our son's fall sports team? pretty encouraging, right?
and one more thing. time is taking it's toll on me emotionally. everything i read says that we are less than attractive to our spouse if we are not hapy. i have a hard time being happy when i'm separated from her. i've heard join a support group. why? to be around people who are miserable too. or stay busy to keep from falling into a funk. i'm in a funk and just feel horribly sad right now. in fact when we aren't together, i feel horribly sad. i don't feel like doing anything without my wife. help with suggestions please.
just got home from a wonderful dinner at ihop!!! i know, not particularly romantic. it's one of her favorites. lotsa smiles and good conversation. i love that woman!
i think if you saw the signs i told u. well i think your on your way.
i know the money was not a bribe.
it was a new way of thinking.
you have to change.
i think your doing fine.
if she has been like this for a while with you, i think you should take a little step forward.
your sadness is now starting to affect you and it could push you further down.
tell her what you have said on here.
sit down on your own with her and tell her that your sad.
she wil ask you why, be simple.
because i miss you and i still love you and i dont want to lose you.
tell her you undertstand she needs time, but ask her if you can court her again.
tell her you would like to touch her again.
separation is killing me, help!
Re: separation is killing me, help!
