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post #1 of 28 (permalink) Old 05-27-2014, 08:06 PM Thread Starter
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My WAW situation

First of all, thank you all who contribute to this forum. This is a great resource for people going through some of the toughest situations life has to offer.

My story: my W and I have been married 3 years, no children. About 3 weeks ago, she gave me the “I need space” talk and she was going to stay in the guest bedroom. That same night we had a long conversation about how we don’t do anything together and she doesn’t feel the same way she used to feel about me. She said over the years I’ve become negative, controlling and nit-picky with every little thing she does. She said she may want out of the marriage but she needed some time to think. Of course over the next couple of weeks, I did all the wrong things. I pursued, did extra things around the house, pointed out the good things in our marriage, asked her to go to marriage counseling with me. I know, bad…

Well, last week it came to a head when I confronted her about an EA I knew she was having with a co-worker. At first she denied, but then she came clean and said she confided in him because she didn’t think she could have an emotional connection with me anymore. She denied any PA with him, but I’m not so sure. Although she didn’t show any outward remorse, she said she was remorseful. I asked her to go NC with the guy, and she wavered on it. The kicker is I know I can forgive her for this and if she ever shows any signs of R I will forgive her for this eventually. She said she’s changed and doesn’t think she can ever get that emotional connection back with me. She gave me all the usual WAW lines: “ILYBINILWY”, “we should separate”, “maybe divorce is the only answer”, “I feel trapped/numb”, “there have never been ANY good times in our marriage”, etc. I told her that I finally understand how much pain she has been in over the last year and that was going to see a counselor about my issues (being critical, negative, etc) and I urged her to do the same. We talked about trial separation and even talked divorce logistics for a while (although I was not enthusiastic about discussing either). I was so frustrated, we ended the conversation with me saying that I would go live somewhere for a while until we figured out what to do next. I ended up moving to my folks’ house about 30 minutes away. Just took some clothes and personal items.

Before the EA confrontation (I hope that was the right move for me to make), we had seen a marriage counselor and basically laid everything on the table for him. She said I was very critical of every little thing she does. In hindsight, she’s right. Over the past few weeks, I’ve recognized this and I’m working on bettering myself. I practice on people at work because my W has her wall up and now we are physically separated. I feel like I’m the only one fighting for the marriage right now.

After the initial meeting with the counselor, he wanted to meet with us individually for the next few weeks to work on our issues separately. We both agreed. After the EA confrontation, I still went to my appointment and plan to continue going to work on myself and my issues. I pray that she does the same. One concern I have about our counselor, especially after reading DR, is that he doesn’t seem very solution-oriented or hopeful. At this point, we need some hope to make us keep fighting. After 2 individual sessions, I don’t feel like I’ve gotten anything from him other than “don’t worry about your W, focus on you right now”. Maybe he’s right, what do you think?

I’ve been working on GAL. I’ve been trying the 180. I’ve started working out again (even though before this mess I had already lost about 30 lbs), thinking positively, not pursuing, not calling/texting, being open-mined, playing guitar again, going to watch basketball games with a friend at work… but it’s hard. I think about my W all the time. At this point, I can’t picture a life without her. She was the first to initiate contact after I left. Actually, it was the day I left. She called just wondering where I had gone. I told her I had moved out for “a few days”. I was at a music festival when she called and I’m sure she could hear the music in the background. Then she called me a week later because she was going to visit her parents for the weekend and asked if I could feed the dogs one night. I agreed. Maybe a bad move, I don’t know. After our conversation, she said “Thanks. Have a good weekend” and I said “Ok, you too” and I ended the conversation. I tried to stay as upbeat as I could. I’m still not clear on how to handle the NC rule. I’m afraid since we are separated, she will not see the genuine positive changes that I am making in my life. Should I contact her once a week just to say hi, no pressure, no R talk, just be a friend? Would that hurt? Should I go completely dark?

When I left the house a little over a week ago, I didn’t think clearly about what I was doing. She’s the one that wants a separation/divorce. I began to think I made the wrong decision by ME leaving. I think it may have come off as weak that I left instead of her. I know I need to man up and stop being a doormat. How can I recover from this or should I even try? Should I just move back into my house, avoid contact with her and tell her she needs to find a place? I don’t want to make this situation any worse than it is and I want to give her space because that’s what she keeps insisting she needs from me. Also, I just found out today she’s still in contact with OM.
Also, how should I handle contact with mutual friends? Should I let them know what’s going on? Should I ask for their help/advice or would that be a pursuing behavior?

What’s my next move here? I know we’ve only been separated for a week and I need to be patient but it’s hard. I realize that it took years to build these feelings inside of her and It’s not going to be fixed in a few days, weeks, or months even. I’m a “fixer” by nature, so the NC is hard for me, especially when she keeps in contact with OM. Ughhh! Things I will continue to do: (1) GAL, (2) go to counseling. Things I’m not sure about: (1) what do I do about my current living situation?

Thanks in advance for any help.

A

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post #2 of 28 (permalink) Old 05-27-2014, 08:59 PM
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First of all, thank you all who contribute to this forum. This is a great resource for people going through some of the toughest situations life has to offer.

My story: my W and I have been married 3 years, no children. About 3 weeks ago, she gave me the “I need space” talk and she was going to stay in the guest bedroom. That same night we had a long conversation about how we don’t do anything together and she doesn’t feel the same way she used to feel about me. She said over the years I’ve become negative, controlling and nit-picky with every little thing she does. She said she may want out of the marriage but she needed some time to think. Of course over the next couple of weeks, I did all the wrong things. I pursued, did extra things around the house, pointed out the good things in our marriage, asked her to go to marriage counseling with me. I know, bad…

Well, last week it came to a head when I confronted her about an EA I knew she was having with a co-worker. At first she denied, but then she came clean and said she confided in him because she didn’t think she could have an emotional connection with me anymore. She denied any PA with him, but I’m not so sure. Although she didn’t show any outward remorse, she said she was remorseful. I asked her to go NC with the guy, and she wavered on it. The kicker is I know I can forgive her for this and if she ever shows any signs of R I will forgive her for this eventually. She said she’s changed and doesn’t think she can ever get that emotional connection back with me. She gave me all the usual WAW lines: “ILYBINILWY”, “we should separate”, “maybe divorce is the only answer”, “I feel trapped/numb”, “there have never been ANY good times in our marriage”, etc. I told her that I finally understand how much pain she has been in over the last year and that was going to see a counselor about my issues (being critical, negative, etc) and I urged her to do the same. We talked about trial separation and even talked divorce logistics for a while (although I was not enthusiastic about discussing either). I was so frustrated, we ended the conversation with me saying that I would go live somewhere for a while until we figured out what to do next. I ended up moving to my folks’ house about 30 minutes away. Just took some clothes and personal items.

Before the EA confrontation (I hope that was the right move for me to make), we had seen a marriage counselor and basically laid everything on the table for him. She said I was very critical of every little thing she does. In hindsight, she’s right. Over the past few weeks, I’ve recognized this and I’m working on bettering myself. I practice on people at work because my W has her wall up and now we are physically separated. I feel like I’m the only one fighting for the marriage right now.

After the initial meeting with the counselor, he wanted to meet with us individually for the next few weeks to work on our issues separately. We both agreed. After the EA confrontation, I still went to my appointment and plan to continue going to work on myself and my issues. I pray that she does the same. One concern I have about our counselor, especially after reading DR, is that he doesn’t seem very solution-oriented or hopeful. At this point, we need some hope to make us keep fighting. After 2 individual sessions, I don’t feel like I’ve gotten anything from him other than “don’t worry about your W, focus on you right now”. Maybe he’s right, what do you think?

I’ve been working on GAL. I’ve been trying the 180. I’ve started working out again (even though before this mess I had already lost about 30 lbs), thinking positively, not pursuing, not calling/texting, being open-mined, playing guitar again, going to watch basketball games with a friend at work… but it’s hard. I think about my W all the time. At this point, I can’t picture a life without her. She was the first to initiate contact after I left. Actually, it was the day I left. She called just wondering where I had gone. I told her I had moved out for “a few days”. I was at a music festival when she called and I’m sure she could hear the music in the background. Then she called me a week later because she was going to visit her parents for the weekend and asked if I could feed the dogs one night. I agreed. Maybe a bad move, I don’t know. After our conversation, she said “Thanks. Have a good weekend” and I said “Ok, you too” and I ended the conversation. I tried to stay as upbeat as I could. I’m still not clear on how to handle the NC rule. I’m afraid since we are separated, she will not see the genuine positive changes that I am making in my life. Should I contact her once a week just to say hi, no pressure, no R talk, just be a friend? Would that hurt? Should I go completely dark?

When I left the house a little over a week ago, I didn’t think clearly about what I was doing. She’s the one that wants a separation/divorce. I began to think I made the wrong decision by ME leaving. I think it may have come off as weak that I left instead of her. I know I need to man up and stop being a doormat. How can I recover from this or should I even try? Should I just move back into my house, avoid contact with her and tell her she needs to find a place? I don’t want to make this situation any worse than it is and I want to give her space because that’s what she keeps insisting she needs from me. Also, I just found out today she’s still in contact with OM.
Also, how should I handle contact with mutual friends? Should I let them know what’s going on? Should I ask for their help/advice or would that be a pursuing behavior?

What’s my next move here? I know we’ve only been separated for a week and I need to be patient but it’s hard. I realize that it took years to build these feelings inside of her and It’s not going to be fixed in a few days, weeks, or months even. I’m a “fixer” by nature, so the NC is hard for me, especially when she keeps in contact with OM. Ughhh! Things I will continue to do: (1) GAL, (2) go to counseling. Things I’m not sure about: (1) what do I do about my current living situation?

Thanks in advance for any help.

A
I feel for you buddy, you came to the right place. I was on your exact shoes about 6 weeks ago. Out of the blue I get the "we aren't even friends anymore" speech along with ILYBNILWY. A week later came the "I need space". There was an EA involved and she started with the separation talk as soon as I exposed it. I did exactly what you did, making changes, long talks, telling her I want to make marriage work. She told me I was too controlling and nit picked everything. What I know now is that she was gas lighting me and blame shifting while rug sweeping her affair with OM.

I wish I had better news, but now my wife and I are separated and she filed for D 2 weeks after moving out. She still hasn't told me that she filed. She is still seeing the OM (coworker) and the only contact we have is texting about our kids. I have not seen her or talked to her on the phone in over a month. It kills me to think how this will affect out children's lives- they are 2 and 3.

My STBX is caught up in the affair fog, and is being extremely selfish. All I can tell you is to read through the threads on this forum. Lots of great advice and you learn quickly that while all of our stories are different, they all have a common theme. The WAW syndrome is becoming more and more common and it is a terrible thing. Mine got caught up in a new job and new "friends" who are all divorced and that is all it took to start her walking out of the marriage. She seems to have some depression and self esteem issues, and then when OM gave her a few slick lines she was putty in his hands.

It sucks so bad to be powerless, but everyday is a new challenge. I have been pretty unproductive at work, and not much sleep. I have started exercising every afternoon and it helps fill up my new-found free time. Good luck man, hang around here and keep us posted. The only advice I have is to not let her put all the blame on you. Take care of your side of the street but don't willingly accept all the blame she will place on you. That's what I did at first and it just greased the wheels for her exit. I would also think twice about moving out. Tell her if she wants the D she can move out. I would also make an appt for a consultation with a lawyer. I know you may not want to go that far just yet, but based on the statistics you will need one soon. Might as well make the first move.
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post #3 of 28 (permalink) Old 05-28-2014, 04:53 PM
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Re: My WAW situation

"I don’t feel like I’ve gotten anything from him other than “don’t worry about your W, focus on you right now”. Maybe he’s right, what do you think?"

He or she is absolutely correct. It sounds like you became a bit isolated in the marriage, using her for your social contact, and controlling her. You have issues to work out. You need to do that regardless of what happens with your marriage right now.

The 180 is about starting to make changes in your life for the positive, and ones that stick. If you are doing these things to fix your marriage, then they will not stick, and you will eventually be right back where you started even if your marriage could be healed. And if it is not, then a future relationship will eventually be poisoned by your issues.

She had an EA. That is 100% her responsibility. She has serious issues that are hers to work through and you cannot help her learn to deal with pain in a healthy ways. You have to learn to deal with pain in healthy ways yourself.

You are in for a long, hard ride that may very well be the end of your marriage. You can come out of this, one way or another, a better person. You are on the right track going to counseling, but maybe not in your motives. Do it for you. Whatever changes you make, do it because you want to do it because these are things that are good for you, not because you think they will get her back or heal things between you. Your marriage is likely going to end in divorce but before that you are likely to have some extremely hard times emotionally, socially, and mentally. What your counselor is telling you is to focus on yourself and how to deal with all this in healthy ways and no matter what happens with your wife, you will come out of this better off.
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post #4 of 28 (permalink) Old 05-29-2014, 05:30 AM
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Re: My WAW situation

Posted via Mobile DeviceThe fact is the only one U can control is u. So u can want her back all u want, but it won't change anything. Contact with her now will only push her away. U need 2c an attorney, 2 determine ur rights, separate finances,start exercise program, invest in hobbies. Expose 2 close friends & family.

Last edited by VFW; 05-29-2014 at 05:42 AM.
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post #5 of 28 (permalink) Old 05-30-2014, 09:49 AM
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Re: My WAW situation

To answer your question, move back in.

If you did not set ground rules for your separation regarding the duration, finances and dating, I fear she is already gone. Without specific rules regarding the separation, the WAS will use the non-rules as a license to run the POSOM, empty the bank accounts and end the separation as soon as they are prepared to disconnect for good.

The ground rules are the key component to a separation because they expose intent.

Stay on the 180 and do not initiate contact. If she stays in the home as well she will see it and if she moves out she will see you moving on from a distance. Hell, just you not being with her yet living independently will move you forward and confuse the hell out of her.

Move forward, changing the things you want to change about yourself and do not worry about her seeing you change. It will take care of itself, trust me.

Be strong,
Stretch
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post #6 of 28 (permalink) Old 05-30-2014, 10:07 AM
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Re: My WAW situation

is OM married? kids? if so, did you expose to his wife? her family?

continued contact is a deal breaker
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post #7 of 28 (permalink) Old 05-30-2014, 10:11 AM
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Re: My WAW situation

IMO, if she says she needs space and is having or was having an EA, then I would tell her that she can have all the space she needs and point to the door and tell her that the world awaits her and she can leave.

Her affair. Her decision to need space. Her moving out. Why should you have to inconvenience yourself? maybe a few days or weeks away from all the niceties of home will wake her up.

Move back in and tell her, "your turn, you want this so you go".
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post #8 of 28 (permalink) Old 05-30-2014, 10:27 AM
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Re: My WAW situation

This isn’t about a separation or D right now its 100% about your wife having an affair and you should attack it like that – its probably a PA so brace yourself. You should move this to CWI and you will get a lot of advice.
1.Move back in immediately, do not leave - do you rent of own the house either way don’t leave its abandonment and will hurt your position if it goes to D
2.Expose the EA/PA right now to everyone - this usually stops the A
3.Control the money flow – block her, do not support her living a single life
Start there and see what happens, but first get back in the house, then sort out what you want to do. if she is having sex with this guy do you even want her back???
If she wants her space tell her to go, but you stay put in the house. You need to smash the A before you can recover the M
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post #9 of 28 (permalink) Old 05-30-2014, 10:36 AM
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Re: My WAW situation

Oh and 1 other thing – most important – DO NOT BEG her, you must take control. When you come back, if she still wants her space tell her to go and you will help pack her crap. Watch the look on her face when her world is turned upside down……
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post #10 of 28 (permalink) Old 05-30-2014, 01:01 PM Thread Starter
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Oh and 1 other thing – most important – DO NOT BEG her, you must take control. When you come back, if she still wants her space tell her to go and you will help pack her crap. Watch the look on her face when her world is turned upside down……
I have no problem telling her this, but other than helping her "pack her crap" how helpful should I be (if at all). Last time we talked of separation it seemed like she wanted help finding a place, etc and she wanted to be "civil" to each other. My thinking is that she's the one who wants to leave, why should I do anything other than showing her the door.
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post #11 of 28 (permalink) Old 05-30-2014, 01:04 PM Thread Starter
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is OM married? kids? if so, did you expose to his wife? her family?

continued contact is a deal breaker
I don't think OM is married or has kids. I'm torn about exposing to her family. They really like me and I get along great with them. Her family knows we're separated but not about OM. Should I expose it?
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post #12 of 28 (permalink) Old 05-30-2014, 01:39 PM
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Re: My WAW situation

If you want to save the M the only way is expose everything and do not try to nice her back. Go dark 180 and show her you can and will move on with your life. See how she handles it. Its youR only chance maybe 20%
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post #13 of 28 (permalink) Old 05-30-2014, 01:47 PM
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Re: My WAW situation

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Originally Posted by andyhenson2014 View Post
I don't think OM is married or has kids. I'm torn about exposing to her family. They really like me and I get along great with them. Her family knows we're separated but not about OM. Should I expose it?
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Affairs hate the light of day.
I say yes let them know.
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post #14 of 28 (permalink) Old 05-31-2014, 01:13 PM Thread Starter
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If you want to save the M the only way is expose everything and do not try to nice her back. Go dark 180 and show her you can and will move on with your life. See how she handles it. Its youR only chance maybe 20%
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OK, need some advice quickly. W called me this morning and wanted to meet for lunch to "touch base". We met, ate, made uncomfortable small talk and then she asked me "where I was" (with the separation I guess). I told her I was going to counseling to work on some of my issues. She thought that was good. I asked where she was and she said that during our 2 weeks apart she thought she would miss me more and she didn't at all. She said she doesn't want to be married to me anymore. I told her I was moving back this afternoon because it was my house too. She said we need to have a plan then. I asked her what plan and she said for splitting up stuff and who would move out. She actually wants me to participate in a divorce I don't want.

She said she doesn't want to be married to me and I shouldn't want to be married to someone who didn't want to be with them. She thinks we should sit down and civilly discuss how to split up our stuff for the D. I kinda just hedged and said OK or let me think about it. But one thing is clear...she definitely thinks D is the only answer and wants me to be an active participant. I told her if she wants D she could go file but she sad she didn't want to "do it that way".

We talked about OM a bit. She is still in contact with him, mostly over text and phone but who knows. She says their relationship isn't what I think it is. She just needs someone to talk to. BS. I told her that her relationship with OM was inappropriate and needed to stop.

How do I handle this situation where she wants me to participate in the D like I want it too, which I obviously don't? Is she playing mind games, gas lighting?

She implied that basically we can do this the easy way or the hard way, but she didn't say those exact words. I don't know if she's serious or not.

Also i should mention she is still wearing her wedding rings (guilt?) And she has had 2 sessions with the individual counselor (same counselor i'm seeing). He plans to eventually get us back to couples counseling after we work on our individual issues.

Not sure what my next step is here. Please help!
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post #15 of 28 (permalink) Old 05-31-2014, 01:55 PM
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Re: My WAW situation

I say you file and serve her at work and let her parents know.
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