Originally Posted by andyhenson2014 View Post
First of all, thank you all who contribute to this forum. This is a great resource for people going through some of the toughest situations life has to offer.
My story: my W and I have been married 3 years, no children. About 3 weeks ago, she gave me the “I need space” talk and she was going to stay in the guest bedroom. That same night we had a long conversation about how we don’t do anything together and she doesn’t feel the same way she used to feel about me. She said over the years I’ve become negative, controlling and nit-picky with every little thing she does. She said she may want out of the marriage but she needed some time to think. Of course over the next couple of weeks, I did all the wrong things. I pursued, did extra things around the house, pointed out the good things in our marriage, asked her to go to marriage counseling with me. I know, bad…
Well, last week it came to a head when I confronted her about an EA I knew she was having with a co-worker. At first she denied, but then she came clean and said she confided in him because she didn’t think she could have an emotional connection with me anymore. She denied any PA with him, but I’m not so sure. Although she didn’t show any outward remorse, she said she was remorseful. I asked her to go NC with the guy, and she wavered on it. The kicker is I know I can forgive her for this and if she ever shows any signs of R I will forgive her for this eventually. She said she’s changed and doesn’t think she can ever get that emotional connection back with me. She gave me all the usual WAW lines: “ILYBINILWY”, “we should separate”, “maybe divorce is the only answer”, “I feel trapped/numb”, “there have never been ANY good times in our marriage”, etc. I told her that I finally understand how much pain she has been in over the last year and that was going to see a counselor about my issues (being critical, negative, etc) and I urged her to do the same. We talked about trial separation and even talked divorce logistics for a while (although I was not enthusiastic about discussing either). I was so frustrated, we ended the conversation with me saying that I would go live somewhere for a while until we figured out what to do next. I ended up moving to my folks’ house about 30 minutes away. Just took some clothes and personal items.
Before the EA confrontation (I hope that was the right move for me to make), we had seen a marriage counselor and basically laid everything on the table for him. She said I was very critical of every little thing she does. In hindsight, she’s right. Over the past few weeks, I’ve recognized this and I’m working on bettering myself. I practice on people at work because my W has her wall up and now we are physically separated. I feel like I’m the only one fighting for the marriage right now.
After the initial meeting with the counselor, he wanted to meet with us individually for the next few weeks to work on our issues separately. We both agreed. After the EA confrontation, I still went to my appointment and plan to continue going to work on myself and my issues. I pray that she does the same. One concern I have about our counselor, especially after reading DR, is that he doesn’t seem very solution-oriented or hopeful. At this point, we need some hope to make us keep fighting. After 2 individual sessions, I don’t feel like I’ve gotten anything from him other than “don’t worry about your W, focus on you right now”. Maybe he’s right, what do you think?
I’ve been working on GAL. I’ve been trying the 180. I’ve started working out again (even though before this mess I had already lost about 30 lbs), thinking positively, not pursuing, not calling/texting, being open-mined, playing guitar again, going to watch basketball games with a friend at work… but it’s hard. I think about my W all the time. At this point, I can’t picture a life without her. She was the first to initiate contact after I left. Actually, it was the day I left. She called just wondering where I had gone. I told her I had moved out for “a few days”. I was at a music festival when she called and I’m sure she could hear the music in the background. Then she called me a week later because she was going to visit her parents for the weekend and asked if I could feed the dogs one night. I agreed. Maybe a bad move, I don’t know. After our conversation, she said “Thanks. Have a good weekend” and I said “Ok, you too” and I ended the conversation. I tried to stay as upbeat as I could. I’m still not clear on how to handle the NC rule. I’m afraid since we are separated, she will not see the genuine positive changes that I am making in my life. Should I contact her once a week just to say hi, no pressure, no R talk, just be a friend? Would that hurt? Should I go completely dark?
When I left the house a little over a week ago, I didn’t think clearly about what I was doing. She’s the one that wants a separation/divorce. I began to think I made the wrong decision by ME leaving. I think it may have come off as weak that I left instead of her. I know I need to man up and stop being a doormat. How can I recover from this or should I even try? Should I just move back into my house, avoid contact with her and tell her she needs to find a place? I don’t want to make this situation any worse than it is and I want to give her space because that’s what she keeps insisting she needs from me. Also, I just found out today she’s still in contact with OM.
Also, how should I handle contact with mutual friends? Should I let them know what’s going on? Should I ask for their help/advice or would that be a pursuing behavior?
What’s my next move here? I know we’ve only been separated for a week and I need to be patient but it’s hard. I realize that it took years to build these feelings inside of her and It’s not going to be fixed in a few days, weeks, or months even. I’m a “fixer” by nature, so the NC is hard for me, especially when she keeps in contact with OM. Ughhh! Things I will continue to do: (1) GAL, (2) go to counseling. Things I’m not sure about: (1) what do I do about my current living situation?
Thanks in advance for any help.
I feel for you buddy, you came to the right place. I was on your exact shoes about 6 weeks ago. Out of the blue I get the "we aren't even friends anymore" speech along with ILYBNILWY. A week later came the "I need space". There was an EA involved and she started with the separation talk as soon as I exposed it. I did exactly what you did, making changes, long talks, telling her I want to make marriage work. She told me I was too controlling and nit picked everything. What I know now is that she was gas lighting me and blame shifting while rug sweeping her affair with OM.
I wish I had better news, but now my wife and I are separated and she filed for D 2 weeks after moving out. She still hasn't told me that she filed. She is still seeing the OM (coworker) and the only contact we have is texting about our kids. I have not seen her or talked to her on the phone in over a month. It kills me to think how this will affect out children's lives- they are 2 and 3.
My STBX is caught up in the affair fog, and is being extremely selfish. All I can tell you is to read through the threads on this forum. Lots of great advice and you learn quickly that while all of our stories are different, they all have a common theme. The WAW syndrome is becoming more and more common and it is a terrible thing. Mine got caught up in a new job and new "friends" who are all divorced and that is all it took to start her walking out of the marriage. She seems to have some depression and self esteem issues, and then when OM gave her a few slick lines she was putty in his hands.
It sucks so bad to be powerless, but everyday is a new challenge. I have been pretty unproductive at work, and not much sleep. I have started exercising every afternoon and it helps fill up my new-found free time. Good luck man, hang around here and keep us posted. The only advice I have is to not let her put all the blame on you. Take care of your side of the street but don't willingly accept all the blame she will place on you. That's what I did at first and it just greased the wheels for her exit. I would also think twice about moving out. Tell her if she wants the D she can move out. I would also make an appt for a consultation with a lawyer. I know you may not want to go that far just yet, but based on the statistics you will need one soon. Might as well make the first move. Posted via Mobile Device