Why won't he file?
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Old 12-19-2010, 06:01 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Default Why won't he file?

My husband left me almost 3 months ago, he said we argue too much and that he doesn't know who he is. I tried the whole NC thing which was great in helping me move on a bit but I still love him very much. We met for lunch one day and he talked about how we need to see a lawyer to see what our options are (we already agreed to do this through mediation) I agreed that we needed to make an appointment even though I was hoping he would want to work things out. He delayed making the appt. and became very friendly and chatty when I would contact him regarding the divorce but did finally make the appt. We met again a week ago so he could give me papers that we needed to start mediation, well it turned into lunch where I was planning on telling him I am not interested in being his friend because I started to feel like he is stringing me on, I decided I wanted to also air my feelings on the situation just because I feel I need some closure. I told him I thought this divorce is not the right choice and that I think we could work things out, that I made a commitment to him and that I wasn't willing to let it go this easily yada yada yada...he said he is very confused and believes he is making a selfish decision but just needs more time to think. I asked him if he still wanted to go to the mediation consultation and he told me nothing would be done that day to start the divorce and that we should still go to see what our options are. Fast forward a week, Thursday was the consultation, we didn't really find out anything we didn't already know just basically met the mediator. Afterwards I asked him if he was 100% sure that he wanted to go through with this and he said yes. When I asked him when he intended to file he said not anytime soon. When I ask him why he doesn't want to do it soon he just says he does not know. He is leaving town for 2 weeks for the holiday and asked if I would just give him these 2 weeks to think. I told him yes but I just don't understand what he needs to think about or what this means. Money is not an issue with filing. Any ideas on what is going on here??
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Old 12-19-2010, 06:06 PM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: Why won't he file?

are you sure there's no one else? seems close to my situation - H moved out for vague reasons, said he considered it a "trial separation", didn't take any steps to move anything forward. I even told him that I would give him the divorce since it seemed to be what he wanted and he still said no. Fast forward and now I find out by accident that there is someone else. I didn't understand and still don't understand why the stringing along occurred - my counselor said that it's because he wanted everything. Family/wife on the side hanging while he took a break from reality, played single and really looked at his options. I don't know all of the facts and am not trying to push the infidelity thing, but just be prepared that there may be a 3rd party somewhere in the picture.
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Old 12-19-2010, 06:13 PM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: Why won't he file?

Thanks blownaway, I am near 100% sure there is no one else, I checked our phone records and his email and have found nothing that points to that.
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Old 12-19-2010, 11:10 PM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: Why won't he file?

Does he still have feelings for you, and therefore isn't sure he really wants to divorce?

It takes energy and some passion to argue a lot with someone. If the two of you were arguing a lot, maybe there was, deep down, still some sort of spark.

A lot of marriages end after the couple has given up arguing; they've gotten to the point where they just don't care what the other person thinks, or they know that there won't be any kind of effective communication, no matter how loudly they shout. It sounds to me like you guys weren't at that point yet.

Sometimes, thinking that you want to do something and actually doing it are two very different things. Maybe he really meant it when he said he wanted a divorce, but now that the reality of it is staring him in the face, he's not so sure.

Would you be interested at all in reconciliation? Do you think it might be worthwhile discussing the possibility of reconciliation with him?
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Old 12-19-2010, 11:56 PM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: Why won't he file?

Thanks for your response sbbs, I want to reconcile and have told him this a few times. I truly believe that if we gave it another go that our relationship will be better and stronger. He says he thinks that we will end up back in a rut. I want to give him the time he needs to think but I also think it is unfair for him to wait on filing if he is sure that this is what he wants. I'm hoping these 2 weeks will bring him some clarity.
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Old 12-20-2010, 12:08 AM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: Why won't he file?

Unless you are really good with computers, you can't know if he has other email accounts. I think it sounds like he has someone else and is simply being slowed down by the guilt involved. Have you checked the computer's history, for example, to see what other sites he frequented? Any that are known for hosting email--hotmail, yahoo, google, aol, etc., etc.?

Where did he go for the holidays, and with whom? Hard to imagine he'd take off for 2 weeks at Xmas all by himself.

Nearly everyone on here who has said they were almost 100% sure, later found out there was someone else.
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Old 12-20-2010, 12:24 AM   #7 (permalink)
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Default Re: Why won't he file?

Sisters, I am sure this isn't the case here. I have looked at his history, read his email, facebook and seen every number that he has called or texted since the day he left. I doubt he would be seeing someone without having any phone contact with them. On top of that I have asked him. (I am completely aware that he could lie about it but doubtful) He is traveling to see his family, a trip that was planned long before our split that I was supposed to be going on with him and his siblings. There is no one else.
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Old 12-20-2010, 08:24 AM   #8 (permalink)
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Default Re: Why won't he file?

I don't have any new insights into why your husband is dragging his heels, but I do have a suggestion to help speed things up a bit.

How about explaining why it's in his best interest to sign, file, and be done?

I'm not a lawyer, and I don't know the laws where you live. It might be worth looking into the rights that spouses have where you are. Whatever those rights are, he may not be comfortable sharing them with you at this point:

1) In some places, spouses inherit property when the other spouse dies, unless the will says otherwise. And even if the will does say otherwise, the spouse can contest it. In some areas, the spouse often has a chance of winning a suit like that.

2) In the US, at least, spouses are jointly responsible for any federal student loan debt or tax burden. So if you owe money to the government, he does, too. (There are innocent spouse protections, but, from what I've heard, it can be very challenging to prove innocence.) That's a pretty good disincentive for him to stay married. (I know that, once you divorce, you get sole responsibility for student loan debt. I don't really know about taxes--a tax lawyer could give you better advice on that.)

3) In the US, If there are joint accounts, both spouses are responsible for the balances, and any screw-ups affect both of the spouses' credit ratings. If you were to use your joint account to get a credit card, run up a bunch of debt, and then not pay it back, your husband would be on the hook for that money. Does he want to risk being in that position?

4) Do you guys have joint property? Where you live, could just one of you sell, give away, or otherwise basically do what you want with that property? If so, it's really in his best interest to sign and be done, to make sure that he gets control over whatever ends up being his.

5) Do you have kids? If so, working out custody formally may work out far better for him than simply trusting that you'll be reasonable, however he defines "reasonable."

It's awful that he's keeping you hanging like this. Stay strong. Let us know how it goes, once his two weeks of hemming and hawing are over.
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Old 12-20-2010, 01:37 PM   #9 (permalink)
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Default Re: Why won't he file?

Thanks for the info sbbs, we don't have any debt other than our home which he says I can have if I want it. He tells me I can have everything. We don't have children. The mediator explained the part about inheriting the property if one spouse dies. He really is just leaving me hanging since the mediator told us this would be a very easy and low cost divorce. I will give him these 2 weeks and hopefully he will have decided what he wants to do by then. Thanks again!
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Old 12-25-2010, 10:35 PM   #10 (permalink)
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Default Re: Why won't he file?

He probably is scared. My husband asked for a separation to end things, and 8 months later, he hasn't given me any papers. No divorce yet, and I am glad! I do want to fix things, so I keep giving him time. I have no idea whats going on, and I am not in a rush to know so I will continue to wait. It sounds sad and it is, lol. Ugh, but I really hope he re thinks things, and I mean your husband, I really hope he could come to his sense and work things out.

Best wishes.
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Old 12-26-2010, 12:53 AM   #11 (permalink)
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Default Re: Why won't he file?

He might want to work on the marriage with you but he's no confidence that things would ever change.
He still loves you but he finds it impossible to resolve many issues with you and he doesn't want the painful history to repeat itself.
If you love him, you will need to show him you have confidence that something really bugging him in the marriage won't happen again, vice and versa.
Make more communication.
Another issue is he simply needs to know if time would resolve those issue and cure his pain, so he has a better idea if he is able to move on his life without you.
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Old 12-26-2010, 12:23 PM   #12 (permalink)
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Default Re: Why won't he file?

Thanks Prelude and Mslonely, I have hope that he will want to try to resolve our issues. Unfortunately it is painful to wait and have hope knowing that he may not want to work it out. Prelude, it must be so hard to wait so long, I can't imagine being in limbo for much longer. I hope that things work out in your favor. Thank you for the advice Mslonely...i'm hoping that when he gets back from his trip that he will be ready to talk and move forward. Communication has never been his best quality but i'm hoping he will be able to push that aside in this situation.
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Old 01-03-2011, 08:42 PM   #13 (permalink)
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Well he got back from his trip today. I had to e-mail him regarding bills and he got back to me via e-mail when i'm assuming he had just arrived home from the airport. He has said nothing about the situation, granted he has probably only been home a few hours at most but I am dying for some insight. Not sure how long I should wait before I try to ask him what he is thinking again. I want to know but I am scared to death to push him away. Ugh what to do?
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Old 01-06-2011, 05:06 PM   #14 (permalink)
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Default Re: Why won't he file?

I couldn't wait any longer and decided to contact him. He is done, he still wants to go through with this. I can't describe the pain I feel, it is as if he has left me all over again. I know I never should have held onto hope but I am just having a hard time accepting that it is over. I know in my heart that this is the wrong decision because I value my marriage and feel as if I am being forced to do something I don't want to do. This pain is unreal.
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