Now what?

Leahdorus · 08-12-2008, 04:58 PM

So my husband is not staying at the house this week - he left on Sunday afternoon. Tomorrow morning we have our next joint counseling session. Frankly, I'm not sure what we will talk about. I am having such a hard time being able to straddle both thoughts; 1) that I should sit patiently (i.e, not push him) and work on my own issues while I remain hopeful that things will work out for us together and 2) that I should work on my own issues but prepare for us to divorce. Those are two very different mindsets and I can probably get myself to grasp either one, but it's nearly impossible to have both in my head at once. What do we talk about tomorrow? I can't stand being in limbo.

Amplexor · 08-12-2008, 05:05 PM

Since he has been gone for just couple of days, I’d give him some space and hope he opens up to how he is feeling now. Hopefully your counselor will assist in this process tomorrow. Continue to work on your issues and let him work through his. Don’t be in the mindset that this is destined for divorce. Keep a positive attitude toward your marriage and yourself. Limbo can be difficult. I’ve been in it for some time myself but it can get easier and it does take time for a marriage that has suffered time to heal. Only time and effort will allow that. Good luck tomorrow.

Leahdorus · 08-12-2008, 06:17 PM

Thanks Amp. I'm feeling like I don't have much to say to him that I haven't already said a hundred times. I know it's not productive to just sit there, but that's what I feel like doing. All my actions and talk so far have not made any visible difference so I feel like just shutting down for a while. Maybe I'm just shell-shocked by it all. Hopefully our therapist will guide our session well. I certainly don't have any new issues I want to bring up at this point.

draconis · 08-12-2008, 11:39 PM

Plan for the worse but expect the best. Maybe tomorrow you will see where he is at.

draconis

Leahdorus · 08-14-2008, 05:49 PM

No new insights gained yesterday. In fact, I asked why we were going to joint counseling if he is not in a place where he can and wants to work on us as a couple. I said that I appreciated the time there, and it gave me hope to see that he was still going. I feel that we are just going in circles, unable to get any traction in any direction. I really think he needs to sort things out in his head, on his own, so he can decide if he wants to work on repairing/rebuilding, or if he wants out. I just feel it's a waste of time and money and energy if he can't even say yet which path he is leaning towards. Right now, he's balancing in the middle, unable and unwilling to choose a path. So we are taking a short break on the joint sessions, hopefully he will add a few more sessions with his own therapist to figure things out more, and we will have our next joint session the first week of September.

I am out of town this weekend for a family matter, back on Monday afternoon. He will be away on another fake business trip next week. After that, we and another family are taking all the kids to Disneyland. We both still want to do this as a family, so that's good. After that, I don't know what will happen.

I'm trying to be strong, but I get these waves of sadness and grief that I don't know how to deal with. I am having trouble focusing at work and having trouble sleeping and eating. What a mess.

voivod · 10-05-2008, 02:34 AM

leah,
you know, my wife asked me before our last disastrous visit to our counselor "why do i have to go again?" and the answer should be obvious, but she didn't want to be there i guess.

then, after "the disaster" (horribly conducted session) she called me from work the next week asking me "aren't we supposed to be at dr. rice's?"

point is, she showed willingness to go after the abortion of a session, so i took that as an encouraging sign. your "he" IS going, right? still good.

fyi- i found a new therapist. i think getting beth on board with her is going to work out ok. she showed willingness when she called and asked if we were supposed to be there.

did you get my pm? are you interested in pursuing that angle? lemme know.