01-02-2011, 08:50 AM
Join Date: Jan 2011
| | Need an outsiders view.
This will be a long winded post to get through all the issues, but I really need an outsiders point of view as I have asked my wife for a divorce.
This is my second marriage, my first was what I feel was due to being lonely in the military and I married my high school flame. She had no drive to better herself, but was a good person. I believe we just got married too young. I met my current wife immediately after that divorce.
Now on to marriage #2.
We got married in 2003 on Christmas Eve.
For a couple years I was dedicated to my job and I played a video game at night which in turn became an addiction. During this time she tried to talk to me and I just didn't. She then went out and met a guy online and met him for "coffee". I had suspicions about adultery and being a jerk I checked her email and found emails from this guy talking about them having sex under the Christmas tree (he said it was a dream he had). She still says to this day, nothing but coffee was had. While we worked through this I never was truly able to gain trust.
Fast forward about 5 years later, and my best friends wife calls me and tells me my best friend and my wife have been texting each other. Usually at night while I was in bed. Once again I felt like trust has been broken. We are not talking on occasional text, there were texts at 3am, 50 a day or more at times.
We constantly argued, one of us would usually appease the other person for a short time, and things would go right back to normal. For the last 2 years she has slept on the couch. For the last year or so she wouldn't even give me a kiss goodnight and for the last 6 mos she has found an excuse to be over her sisters/mothers house a couple hours away. She would come home long enough to do some laundry, pack up and go do something else over there. Her mother has ALS (Lou Gherig's disease) and has had it for about 4 years now. She is not really getting worse she just needed help getting her medicare/medicated in order. Her sister lives 10 mins from her mother, but yet my wife had to be the one over there doing everything. Most of the time she would just stay and watch her nieces or figure out what seemed like just another reason to stay. After being alone for the last 6 mos I finally felt as if it was time to end the marriage as nothing was being done to correct it. We even took Mort Fertel's course a year ago, and while things changed a little, the trust factor I cannot get over. When i talked to her she told me that I am "tiring" to be around. I am a very stressful person by nature and have been since I was about 12 years old.
I am devastated, I have been crying for 4 days straight, I feel guilty for wanting a divorce, I feel bad because she hasn't worked in 8 years. But she does have a nursing degree and is a state registered R.N., so she can find a decent paying job I am sure. She does a lot for my parents and is a great person, I just didn't always feel she was great towards me.
I work very hard, make a good living and we have gone on 1 vacation. Most of the time the money is spent on bills, or buying / doing things for family members. When I brought up that we need to do things for ourselves before others, it was a huge argument.
People who have been around her have said she is "verbally abusive" and even guys at work have said "you need to put your foot down" on multiple occassions, but I can't feel anything other than "its all my fault."
I do plan on going to see a therapist as well, but is this normal? Am I over-reacting? After talking to her she agrees that she doesn't think the marriage can be salvaged, but I just keep thinking that maybe there are other options?
Just so many emotions, feelings of guilt and everything else are just surrounding me. I lost the one good friend that I had and for the last 6 mos have been alone with no one to talk to.