mentallydrained

First, I know my biggest hurdle that I've yet to accomplish is the first and largest step of all...the start of proceedings. I have told my H I feel lost in the marriage, my heart is not in it and we both take blame for many things.

Without getting all wrapped up in my novel my current concerns and how to deal are this:

1) H has show signs of major depression and has been told such by latest counselor via a test he did. He refuses meds as he states prior to my admittence of emotional change, he didn't need meds so if I will just get back to where I was or better, he will be fine and not depressed. He is showing huge signs of obsession. He chooses me over our daughter. He left 4 days over Christmas, including Christmas day. Because I would not say I wanted him there with ME for Christmas day, he felt those days apart would do me good. I stated concern for 7yr old daughter...he responds with "what about you?".

2) He also made comment if I pursue divorce, he can no longer live in same state as he cannot bare me moving on without him. It's either all or nothing. Again, me over daughter.

3) Has gone full force head first into religion for past month and half. Donating $20 a week to a church he isn't familiar with. (mind you we live paycheck to paycheck) Wasn't even sure of their denomination. Just liked fact he has friend who goes there and that the pastor was willing to meet with him one day, a day he was on verge of losing it. So he now feels this 'connection' to this church. Is now wanting to go on this couples retreat through the church.

4) Since gone those 4 days, portrays all things are forgotten, back to 'normalcy' or like there of, has not mentioned counseling with pastor, which I agreed to prior to him leaving those 4 days.

I guess where I'm going with this is there seems to be so many 'stage' changes with him. I'm sure I have cued them I guess. He hates how I can 'change' emotion depending on circumstances. Ex: We could be at each other and once I'm around daughter or outside acquantencies, I can put on a smile and act like I'm perfectly fine. He cannot do that. Once he's mad, it stays with him and is shown to any and everyone around him.

If there is any sexual contact, he feels we are on the amends. So, I choose not to. I find more out of habit...coming home and kissing him, pecks only. We've not kissed passionately in years. I tell him I love him, as I do. I worry about his well being especially since he has no family close. His obsession and depression saddens me and scares me. I worry about the what if's for him since he lives and breaths me/us. He states all he needs is us and nothing else. If we never socialized with others, he would be perfectly content. We have been like that for too long and I can no longer live that way. I go through the motions of being a wife. I struggle waking up and coming home. I miss myself being happy, bubbly.

Not trying to get off track just feel I need to explain emotional part to find out how to manage getting through what I feel are stages of almost grieving processes in getting to the seperation/divorce process. Almost like we are both in denial.

As soon as I feel confident in taking that step, it's almost like he can tell and starts making comments that make me feel like a horrible woman. So, I create nonstop wheel in my head like a gerbil.

How, when your initiator and also still care about the well being of the person on other end, still knowing in your heart it's truly what you need for happiness within self.....how to get there? How do you get past all these stages of emotions compiled ontop of the screwed up emotions that got you to this place to begin with?

So sorry I'm all over the place and possibly making no sense. My H deserves spark, desire, and passion for his love lanaguage which is physical. Even if he feels at age 51 his life is over if I continue down this path. I cannot give that to him. WE cannot create each other's internal happiness and he refuses to hear that or see it. How do you do it and is it even possible to get to that first stage without torchering self?

nika

I feel very bad for your husband, but i understand you...you;v done the right thing if love was not there anymore there was no point to continue this, that's not fair towards you and him as well. Just looks like he will need professional help, looks like he is loosing it. I wish I was a professional in this to help you and myself too.

mentallydrained

I know nika. I feel for him as well as odd as that sounds. For me, the hardest part is I always viewed (or maybe was raised to view) divorce was due to physical abuse and affiars. That if a marriage was over, it was over because you hate and despise one another. That truly and honestly is not my situaiton. I love him for what he has done for me, for my growth, yet now in a seperate direction, for my daughter and for the death of our daughter and father's. Although, I have a little resentment that he left me the entire day when we lost our daughter even though I know he was making phone calls and at home grieving but...well it's 20/20 now. I personally feel it would be much easier if it was a hatred thing. Then I wouldn't care. Caring and trying to do what's right for self, and other's involved in the long run, is very exhausting and complicated.

nika

I can imagne that! You are doing right thing I am sure about it. You deserve to be happy. Do what's good and right for you. Sorry he is not able to understand you. Have you seen movie Eat Pray Love? Please watch a movie or read a book it will help you. And one day your husband will understand why....Looks like it will be a long road for him to get there, where he get;s the answer, but hopefully he will get there. And you deserve to be happy!