mgriffiths

this is my first time writing. i need advice and i don't know where to turn.
my husband and i have been married for 11 years and been together for 15. we have 2 girls 10 and 9, i have a 14 year old daughter from another relationship. we've been together since i was pregnant with my 14 year old. i'm a stay at home mom and he's always worked.
2 weeks ago he decided he was unhappy and he needed space.
he moved out and is staying at a motel. whenever he's come over to see the girls(which hasn't been often) i have to leave.
we tried to go to counseling but he said after the 2nd session that he's going to figure out how to help the girls through this.
through what? he says he doesn't know what he wants and he need his space and he's tired of always trying and the one that keeps everything together and he's "spent". he hasn't said anything to the girls at all just that we need some time apart.
he hasn't said anything to his closest friends or his dad(whom he's very close to).
does he just need his space? he says i need to change?
but if i change will he come back? i don't have a lot of answers, but alot of questions.
anyone can help or just give me fresh advice
thanks!

ljtseng

What does he think you need to change? did you know he was feeling this way before he moved out? Do you think he's the one that's always holding things together?

draconis

Sounds like he is going through depression. SInce he can't be around you maybe you can look back through your marriage and see if there was a turning point. Did sex fall off, did he changes jobs, did family "get on him" etc. Then write a note to him be it e-mail or written but well thought out.

draconis

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Amplexor

I agree mgriffiths. Lots of questions and no answers. I would ask him for some alone time, a significant amount to discuss and identify the issues. Make a list of questions and concerns before hand and ask him to do the same. Until you know what his issues are you will just be wondering and spinning your wheels.

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Amp

Confidence – Love – Patience – Faith Are the tools to help heal a marriage.

justean

there are lots of reasons for needing some space.
not just depression.
i know its hard, but maybe just back of a little and actually enjoy the peace.
he might come around , he might not.
i agree here that there are alot of unanswered questions.

swedish

I think this is the starting point of where you need to begin communicating, if he is willing. Is it possible he may have been feeling unloved/unappreciated for some time leading up to this? If you can look back and see where he might be coming from with this statement you might find some answers without talking to him. But, to improve the situation you both will need to discuss how he's been feeling. If/when he is willing, try not to get defensive if he opens up to you...just listen and focus on his needs/his feelings at first. He may just need to know he is a priority in your life.

mgriffiths

he's only said a little. we haven't spoken that much these past 2 week. it seems i am the blame for everything and he has none.
he said i'm not the same person. but it's been 15 years and 3 children. what does he expect? he said i'm lazy, i don't take pride in the things i have(newer house and new car). i don't keep the house clean enough i don't cook dinner every night, etc.
i have an anxiety disorder so i take meds to help me get through the day. he thinks i need them to make me happy. not true!
and having 3-4 beers a night every night is better?

he said i don't give, he gives. i've stayed home with the girls so he can get his MBA focus on his career andgo out with the guys 2x a week, and during football season he goes away over night to games while i take care of the girls. i am more than understanding and i give.
i don't always feel good about myself and i'm not the most sexually active person. i know that might be part of the prob.
i just don't know. depression or midlife crisis?
so confused.....

ljtseng

I havent been married very long but when i was first married I used to pick my H's behavior apart and tell him all the things he was doing that made me unhappy. But what i found out was that i didnt know how to make myself happy and i had gotten it my head that he was supposed to do that. so maybe that is what is going on with your H.

Or it could be that he is angry with himself and is trying to find a way to feel justified for something he has done.

swedish

It's only natural to get defensive when you are being attacked (ie when he's saying all the negatives of why he left) but if you want to stay married try to absorb what he is saying without thinking of his negatives (I understand he has them too, we all do, but this is about finding out why he is at this point)
People are attracted to confident people. It is so easy to fall into the daily grind when you are raising kids and also very easy to lose yourself in the process of being taxi driver, nurse, teacher, discipliner, cheerleader and all of those other roles we have as their moms.

The best advise I can give you here is to start doing things for yourself (not to 'win' back your husband, etc.) but things that make you feel better about yourself. Working out, going to the salon to get hair/nails done, a few new outfits, girls night out, hobbies, whatever it is that will get you excited about the day.
In his eyes, he may say I've worked on furthering my education and focused on my career so my wife doesn't have to work and can stay home and raise our daughters. I think in return I deserve dinner when I get home and a clean house. It's all about perspective. You are both right in how you are feeling but neither of you seems to see it from the other's perspective.

Sometimes when you are not getting what you want from the marriage and start to resent one another (they've got it made while I carry all the burden) you lose that feeling of wanting to make your spouse happy. Imagine if he spent his days with only that thought in mind--making you happy. And you did the same for him. All the other stuff would not even matter...if he were doing that, you would most likely want to clean the house and have dinner ready just to make him feel how he makes you feel.

Your issues are not un-fixable if you are both willing to listen to one another without getting into a pissing match. I would recommend reading 'The 5 Love Languages' by Chapman...it definitely helped me to see things from my husband's perspective and appreciate all he is doing rather than focus on what he isn't.

mgriffiths

how can i change anything about myself if i am left to deal with 3 kids 2 dogs a house and many other responsiblities? while he gets to go to work and come to wherever he is and have none?
he cannot talk to me or he won't talk to me i'm not sure. he says when he's ready to talk he'll call me. and in the meantime i just sit and wait and listen to my kids cry because he has not told them anything.
no it may not be fair but this is all without warning and how can he not have told me he was considering leaving if i didn't know anything was wrong?

pandaprincess

The worst case scenario here is that he was feeling unhappy in the relationship for a long time, didn't discuss it with you and now has made up his mind without you. That would be completely unfair, but it's been known to happen. It's difficult to get the full picture of a person through forums, and it sounds like you really have your plate full with your kids and your relationship and are feeling overwhelmed. However, and I know this sounds impossible, it also sounds like you haven't taken time in the last few years to figure out what you need and what makes you happy. You won't feel sturdy again- in this relationship or the next- until you call a time out for some self reflection. Best of luck to you.