3 months now not much hope - Talk About Marriage
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post #1 of 6 (permalink) Old 01-17-2011, 01:10 AM Thread Starter
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3 months now not much hope

I have been separated with my wife for 3 months now. My situation is not progressing much at all ,was up then down and now its flat. Not long ago she went off the deep end and told me to just leave her alone ,when I was not in her life anyway. She went from hugging and peck kisses on the lips, to her saying we will never be again and that she don't want to hurt me or miss lead me into thinking were back together and saying she don't want to contact me. That was a few weeks ago and yesterday I took my boys to church and she shows up at church sits beside me and I hug her during prayer. After church we told each other we love each other and another quick kiss on the lips. For me this was a major breakthrough cause before she would not tell me she loved me and would not kiss at all or go to church with me. We have not spoke sense church and I feel I might be setting myself up for another heart break from her. I'm going to go no contact for the next 2 weeks maybe longer, it's just hard to do that when we have kids together and I get them on weekends, but I just had them and explained the situation and they know I'm going to be running silent for awhile. I don't really know if there's anything I can do at this point to win her back except be thankful for the time we had at church and just work on myself, like I do working out everyday for 2 hours. I know she will love me the rest of her life ,we have kids together but the romantic side is dead and I stayed with her a long time in a sexless relationship before we broke up,but we used to have sex . Unless she has a change of heart I fear the end is near soon and I will never have another chance with her. Many ask me why would you want a women who don't have sex with you, all I can say is that's not why I love her and it wasnt always like that, and that my love for her is real. I know her heart and know she is very stubborn and not the kind of person who you can push anything into. If I did that even a little she would shut the door hard. Maybe its time I persue going out with someone new, its just so very hard to do being in love and I dont want to do anything that could screw up us getting back together, even though I know it would help my pain go away,I just cant do it right now, I feel so hopeless at times. Even when pretty girls smile at me everytime Im at the gym, its hard for me to even smile back, I do but it almost hurts ,does any of this make any sense ? Im all out of ideas at this point , if anybody has any advice that would be great, but know this. Me and my wife were together 21 years and have alot of good memories and bad ones mostly my fault. thank you for reading my pathetic love sick heart broken story.

Last edited by Surreal; 01-17-2011 at 01:26 AM.
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post #2 of 6 (permalink) Old 01-17-2011, 05:29 AM
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Re: 3 months now not much hope

Your "pathetic love sick heart broken story" isn't so different from mine...she left after 25 years, I chased her like a sick puppy dog, realized that didn't work and then gave her space...I went a month without calling her, emailing her, no contact at all unless I had to get info from her or she called me. We have 3 children ourselves, 2 adults and a 16 year old so we had to have some contact, but it was extremely minimal.

I took that time and worked on myself...got myself in better health, read some self-help books on relationships and communication, started posting and reading here, read from the bible...took time to be a better dad...I focused on myself--worked on beating my alcohol addiction. Sure I was hurting, not sleeping, stressing myself out on what I could be doing, should I call her...being in limbo and not knowing what she was thinking/wanting is terrible, my mind was creating all sorts of scenerios of what was going on, I even convinced myself at some point she was with another man...wasn't the case!

Anyways, when she left, the more I chased her, the more distant she became, even to the point of having an appointment to see a lawyer...once I gave her space, she calmed down...and as I continued to give her space, she has sought me out more and more...the less I talk to her, the more contact she wants...

3 months ago when she left, I would have told you our chances or getting back together were next to nil, today--I think we have an excellent chance of reconnciliation...Church and faith are going to have to be a key component in this, which is something I have to work on, God has always been with me, but never my focus--my wife says that has got to change!

so, your story is not so different from any others here, no less pathetic...We all wish you didn't have to suffer, that you could hold your true love again, forever...

Give her that space, seek out counseling for yourself...be a great Dad and a better person...work on your weaknesses, perfect your strengths...do whatever you can to make things right...and in the end, if things don't work out, it won't be because you didn't try...you have to live with yourself whether your wife comes back or not, so work on making things right for yourself now!
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post #3 of 6 (permalink) Old 01-17-2011, 12:40 PM Thread Starter
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Re: 3 months now not much hope

Thank you so much for your reply it made me cry. You know exactly what Im going threw. Hard does not begin to explain the pain. I am doing most of those things you suggested, but still wake up in the middle of the night and do house work, wonder around the house listening to the dead silence, wondering if shes even thinking of me or truly happy ,its a hard call, but I know what I must do, and thats move on, if she decides to try again, who knows I might not even want her back then. But I shouldnt let her just have it all when I get nothing in return, and right now she is getting her cake and eating it to. Its day 1 and no contact, but I hate that I even check my answering machine when I know she wont leave a message anyway. thanks for your reply
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post #4 of 6 (permalink) Old 01-18-2011, 10:00 PM
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Re: 3 months now not much hope

wow both of your stories are similar to mine except I'm a woman. It has also been 3 months since my H left.

It is still very hard and we are in the process of divorce but I didn't want one at all. we were married for 22 years and I loved having sex and I gave it to him whenever he wanted, clear up until a couple of days before he left and I even knew he was leaving.

However, I always thought he would be back. there is so much I am leaving out because there is not enough time or space and I myself don't really like reading extra long posts.

anyway, I am curious as to why some of you men seem to be so loving and willing to try and the wives are the ones out doing their thing but then some of us ladies are the ones left and the husbands are out snooping around greener grassy areas?? I just don't understand after sooooo many years how anyone could just up and throw it all away.

I didn't want the divorce but in the beginning months he kept sending me texts to file, get a divorce, etc. and he wasn't giving me any money and we have several (more than 5) children and I don't have an income. so I called a lawyer and asked about legal separation and then text my husband and asked if he wanted a divorce or a legal separation and he immediately text back"divorce" I was crushed! so I did what he wanted and it has been a long process.

I am now getting child support so that helps. i also get mixed messages from him (or I did anyway). He was always saying really mean things to me. I would try not to contact him cuz my counselor said it was for the best but it was so hard. Now it has been 7 days since I had any contact. It doesn't really get easier but I try to do what I need to do day by day.

at times it seems like I am a mess, other times I'm ok. It is a bad emotional roller coaster and I just want time to pass quickly because I'm hoping the hurt won't be as bad in the future.

thanks for your posts. I'm glad I'm not the only one. It is just hard to understand the actions of different genders though......
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post #5 of 6 (permalink) Old 01-18-2011, 10:42 PM
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Re: 3 months now not much hope

I'll weigh in on this from the opposite perspective. I asked my husband to move out 7 months ago because of a variety of reasons but basically I just had it with the circumstances, the lack of emotional connection, the lack of caring, the lack of anything. I had suffered from depression, anxiety, sleeplessness, and emotional ups and downs for a couple of years. He's watched me fall repeatedly and remained a casual observer. I struggle with three young children, tried to start up a business to gain his respect, put up with all kinds of crap on the internet and finally I internally shut down. I am so grateful! I was falling to pieces, trying to keep myself together for my children but failing miserably.

After the separation all I asked for was time and space. This has been my mantra towards him for months. I need time and space. I am hurt, angry, frustrated, and stuck in a place of ugliness so that I cannot see any good times in our 12 year marriage. I just needed breathing room to try to find myself, my center, my heart-felt desires. I asked him to spend time with his children, go have fun, I even suggested activities our outings for them but he was not interested.

He has used this time to smother me which has only forced me farther away. No matter how much I try to explain to him I just need time and space to find myself, he won't hear it. He only wants what he wants. I wanted him, for years I desperately wanted him and our family, and now I am so fried I don't know what I want other than away from him. I wish to God he would have listened and let me breathe. Maybe I could have found it within myself to feel differently but he chose not to listen. He chose to put his needs first; which has been the running theme of our marriage. He chose not to care, yet again.

I am fried. I hope to pull myself together enough to be a support to our children but I am so stretched thin and he has not helped at all. I feel like I am mentally fragmented. I feel broken. I so wish he would have just heard me. At any time at any point before I finally snapped I wished he could have cared enough to hear me. But now I am at least in a somewhat more deadened place than I've been for years and I am not willing to go back.

That is what pushing and demanding and forcing does to the other person. That is why when you listen and stop and give them room, they can remember what was special or meaningful or happy in their life with you. While it can seem like a cruel game, they are hurting just as much as you are but pushing only pushes away because once you reach your breaking point you are broke.

I wish you all the best as you work to reconcile your relationships. I wish I had hope for mine but sadly I am past that.

Take care,
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post #6 of 6 (permalink) Old 01-19-2011, 05:03 AM
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Re: 3 months now not much hope

It is so wierd how all of our situations are so close. I'm now in month 4 of our seperation with a divorce in the works. I was asked to leave and give my wife space because my wife said "she loved me but wasn't in love with me". She said she needed space to figure things out. I was crushed and tried for the first few days to get her to reconsider. I was still allowed to go over to the house, and one day I discovered activities that proved she had been and was being unfaithful. I confronted and asked her to stop those things. She said she would be continued. She said to just leave her alone and give her space. To me, giving her space meant sitting back and allowing my wife to have an EA/PA and accept it. I couldn't not say anything. I just wanted her to stop.

I eventually exposed her actions to some people close to us, including her mother, and this only made her even madder. Her mother even told me that I don't know the "rules" of seperation and that this is what happens. Maybe for many people, but my view of marriage is that you are married whether you live together or are taking some time apart. Married is married. My wife said if I would have just left her alone, she would have probably come back. She was asking too much. I could've have given her the space she wanted had the activities not been discovered.

I have discovered, since i've been away from her, what it actually means to love unconditionally. I've done nothing but be nice to her throughout, but it seems she takes almost every opportunity to say something mean to me. I won't return evil for evil but I know that much of her anger is due to the exposure.

She says now that she is no longer doing anything and that she wanted to divorce all along. I don't know if she is or isn't. I have my suspicions but there's nothing I can do about that other than sit back and work on myself while praying for divine intervention. I'm doing well right now emotionally, but financially I'm in a terrible place and don't see a way out anytime soon as she seems to be so comfortable (she makes more money). I am currently back in school so hopefully a degree will help me.

I too say that it does much good to work on yourself. Do what you can to make yourself a better man. Maybe your changes would make a difference at least I'm hoping mine will. If nothing else, you will feel better and be in a better place to have a much better relationship in the future without some of the mistakes of the past, hopefully.
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