pirouline

My husband just turned 30 a few days ago....and he told me he is not sure if he loves me anymore....so he left to stay with a friend (there is no cheating)...he said he needs his space to figure out whats wrong with him...
I am so sad and heartbroken and scared, because I don't drive, I haven't worked in over 10 years, I've only recently started going to college and we have three kids together...he told me that he will support me financially and even offered to buy me a car so that I can get around... But all I want is my husband back....
My friends keep telling me that I need to work me and my kids..try to get on with my life and to look at it as a fresh start toward my independence...
this is all so very fresh to me and i just want to talk about it and talk about it.....sometimes i feel like crying but no tears will come....other times i just cry my heart out til i can't breathe

pirouline

i forgot to mention that we've been married for 9 years...together 1 and 1/2 year before that...

DjF

You've got good friends, listen to them...although don't quit on the marriage just yet...

Work on you, be independent...stay strong for the kids...and cry, cry some more...it's your body's way of healing itself...hopefully things will work out between you and your husband, but if not, you'll be one step closer to being strong and independent...

pirouline

thank DjF at the moment, my stomach is just churning because it is now 7 pm at night....
i called him twice today but he didn't answer his phone. i'm gonna try to not call him at all next week to see if he'll miss me at least....

I hope this is just a midlife crisis thing...and we were really young when we got married...we just jumped into the whole marriage thing and were very naive..but we lasted 9 years...

i just can't believe that he thinks he fell out of love with me like that without any warning whatsoever....i'm completely baffled by the whole situation...

the guy

This will be the hardest thing you will ever have to do, but it works. Stop calling him, distance your self from him completely.

You are on the right track by not contacting him, and please when you see his number come up in about a week do not answer.

When you do decide to talk to him show him how strong you are and that you are confident in moving on with out him (even though your not don't show it) no cring and no begging.

You may be surprised, people want what they can't have. In addition you will find that the strength you show him will help you..give you confidence. Especialy when commit and over come the need to contact him for a week. You will find that if you overcome that you can overcome what evers next.

So no more water works and focus on the kids,hoppies,crafts and anything that you couldnt do b/c you were busy being a wife. Replace that time with something for yourself.

Soon he will be wanting to know what is wrong and other stupid sh*t like that, and you can confidently say that he left the marriage and you are moving on.

See you can't control him but you can control you and what only you can do to move past this bull sh*t. Its not what knocks us down that counts, its how we get back up that matters.

You will be alright and the pain will get less as time goes on and you acheive the little goals you put infront of you.

pirouline

thank you. first thing i'll do when i get my license take a dance class..i haven't danced in so long...
this is all so very new to me...and i'm scared sh*tless...at the moment he has the upper hand because i've been so dependent on him for so long....

i'm deciding if i should let my kids sleep on the bed with me or not...

the guy

Go for it its Sunday;-)

And stop thinking he has the upper hand, you will be with your kids in your bed, now who has the upper hand?

Please stop thinking in the bad side of things there are alway good side to things just keep posting and all the good folks at TAM will help you find them.

So 1st goal for tonight, no cring in bed with the kids. Conquere that and move on to the next one.

pirouline

@the_guy its 839 pm , u forget i don't drive at all...and anyway i have no car..lol

my kids just came in here to tell me they loved me...i feel better a bit...

thanks so much..i've just been browsing reading other posts...

LonelyNLost

My H went through a midlife crisis right before he turned 30. He had an EA with a coworker. I had no idea. I was wrapped up in my new career and busy life. You've got to figure out what the heck is going on. He deserves to be open with you, no matter how bad it might hurt. I wish you luck. If he's open to it, a marriage counselor would be a great idea.

__________________
~ You may be deceived if you trust too much, but you will live in torment if you don't trust enough. ~

Or, you could be a big sap and trust your husband, and he could end up being a lying, spineless, cheater.

MsLonely

I feel sorry for you.
Pls stay calm. Do you think there's an issue in your marriage that is bugging him?
When he said he's not sure could mean he wants to figure out if can repair the damage and work it out to continue his love for you.
Do you know what's bugging him?
What's he complaining about you the most?
Do you have a great sexual life with him?
Find out his issue and focus on resolving that issue.
Give him hope with your loving support.
Stay calm and don't cry, don't yell or get mad at him. An open and positive communication is very critical at this moment.
When he senses good hope that he can work things out with you and the issue could be resolved with you, he will come back to talk to you.
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pirouline

@mslonely...my h and i talked on fb just a few minutes ago..i finally got to the bottom of it...he said that i rely on him too much which in turn makes me a grouch and not be able to take care of myself....
and i said...i know, i realize that..that can be changed...and i asked him if he is ready to move back in and he said "not yet"....
i also asked him if he was going to date other people while he figures himself out..and he said "no" i think he finally snapped that day we had to take our daughter for an eye check up....he'd often had to take a half day off from work to take me to where i needed to be....

so keep fingers crossed for me that this might work out...

@lonelyandlost..I am assuming EA is extramarital affair?? I'm so sorry!!!I know that even when u have that career and being busy...it really sucks to be going home to an empty house...i wish u the best of luck...it always boils down to that, doesn't it...having someone to come home to...

MsLonely

pirouline, don't lose your hope.

Now you know what's bugging him, so you might need to focus on his issue & resolve it with communication.

First of all, show him your understanding & appreciation, then show him hope:

Appreciating what he has done to support the family & he's really helping you a great deal especially you can't drive, that caused him many inconveniences when he's busy at work but he has to take a half day off...etc. Show him your sincere gratitude.

Give him hope:

Tell him you will take a driving lesson & get a driving license so in the future, he won't need to be interrupted when he's busy at work.

Tell him you love him & he means the whole world to you.

You're very sorry for the inconvenience you caused, but you assure him that you're willing to work things out.

Tell him you're looking for driving lessons on the internet already, ask him if he knows any good driving lessons, so he could give you some ideas.


Last, invite him for dinner.

To ask him to return home, you need to show him love in actions.

Firstly appreication his good work & understanding the troubles he had with you.

Second, you want to make a difference to ease the burden on his shoulders by registering yourself in a driving lesson.

Last, warm invitation and prepare for his return:

You will prepare a very good dinner with the food he likes very much, so you would love to invite him to come home & have the dinner with kids.

Tell him you will wait for his return because the house is clean, dinning table is set and food is warm. You & the kids already miss him a great deal.

pirouline

@mslonely. Already signed up for driving course for this saturday...and today i planned on keeping myself busy with the house and maybe ifnthe weather is nice take the kids to park....good idea on inviting him over for dinner...he is on a diet so i guess i can show some support with making him diet food......
Ive let myself go its not even funny....but he never seemed to care how i looked before he started his diet....
Last night whe he asked "so how do we get back to where we were in that picture?" (referring to civil wedding pictures) and then i told him exactly which part of me i need to change without even him voicing it out....i think now that i've gotten passed the hard stuff and finally understood what his problem is....it can actually be resolved sooner rather than later.....
I hope that he is rediscovering his love for me.....
We talked about which cars we wanted....so that we each have our own car....and he helped picked out possibilities....it was nice just talking to him....he told me hed pay for my car....
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MsLonely

I'm happy that you have signed up for the driving class and he's helping you pick up a car.
You're doing very well resolving his issue.
Keep showing your appreciation and gratitude to his help and hard work.
I believe he would find back his love for you.
Ask him out for a date when necessary.
Reminder him you're still the adorable woman that he's married in that pic.
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pirouline

Last night he texted while i was asleep....he traded in our car for a new one.... what does this mean?! I dont want to call or text himjust yet..except yesterday thats what i did because he left something here at home and i thought it may be important to him....anyway....i am freaking out....is he consdiering leaving me for good?! Or did he do this so that i can hurry up and get my car too..?
I am finding hard not to think about it....it is now day 2 of week 2 and i'm starting to sound redundant on the forums....
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