hottdogit

Hi, I'm new to this site and was hoping to get advice from people in a similar situation such as mine.

I filed for divorce from my husband of 12 years (14 years together) in July. We have a 2 year old son together. We separated in May after many years of constant bickering, resentment, etc. About a week after he moved out he had a girlfriend; "girlfriend" meaning he had already started sleeping with someone else.

I was devastated and begged him to come back - he said he no longer loved me. So for about a month I coped with the loss and started to try to get used to being single again. In June he shocked me by claiming he wanted me back. After lots of thinking, I took him back - about a week later, he left and went back to the girlfriend.

This happened about every 2 weeks through August. He'd tell me he no longer loved me, that he loved her - then he'd change his mind and want me back. I'd take him back, despite warnings from friends and family (hoping he'd change and wanting to save my marriage), and he'd leave again. Finally, on Labor Day weekend, I'd had enough. I began dating an old friend from high school and eventually, our relationship became serious.

My husband predictably changed his mind again but this time, I said no. I thought I was happy where I was and I'd had enough of dealing with the pain of his inability to commit. As my relationship progressed with my new boyfriend however, the so called "honeymoon" phase wore off and I saw a side to this new man that I didn't like too much.

During this time, my husband came to terms with the fact that we were not going to reconcile. He had taken to a life of drinking, partying, etc. after we separated (as had I) but shortly after I began my new relationship, he put a stop to that new lifestyle and renewed his relationship with God (we are both Christian). I started to see the "real" person that I'd fallen in love with 14 years ago - and I was happy and sad all at the same time. Happy for him because I love him, and sad that I was no longer with him to experience that with him.

As mentioned, my new relationship became rocky, and still is. My boyfriend is insecure and jealous, most likely I assume because his exwife cheated on him and his first child's mother cheated on him as well. No excuse for being an ass, but I'm trying to provide some context around his condition. At one point in time, I became sick and was hospitalized. My boyfriend was absent and unsupportive. My husband, however, was there for me every step of the way.

It was during this time, in December, that I became confused. Obviously, my new relationship had its own problems. But aside from that, my husband's support, his caring ... made me question if what I thought I'd lost forever was actually able to be saved. And although my husband had stopped trying to reconcile with me, he always reminded me, and still does, that he still loves me and would drop his girlfriend (he's still with her) if I decided I wanted him back.

The thing is, I feel bad because I *wish* that he had changed his ways while we were still *together*. But, I don't exactly have the same feelings for him as I did when I was fighting for our marriage. I almost feel like he is a very close, very dear friend vs. my husband. But at the same time, I'm worried that I'm confused and that I may realize later down the road that I really do love him but by then, it will be too late.

Long story short, how do you know when it's REALLY over? How do you know when it's just a couple of good friends vs. a husband and a wife? My life seemed so black and white before this separation but now, everything is just different shades of gray - nothing seems clear anymore. I don't know if my decisions are right or not. Thanks for any feedback - I'm confused and I want to make the right decisions for myself and certainly for my son.

hottdogit

Did I post in the wrong forum? Should I have asked the already divorced folks?

I talked to my husband today and he and I discussed this "limbo" or whatever it is. He and I still talk regularly and it's putting stress on his relationship with his girlfriend. I told him I'd stop calling him or relying on him for things if it's causing issues. He made the comment that he guesses that what he's looking for is for me to say that "it's over for good, go ahead and move on". But I can't tell him that. Regardless, I told him I'm seeing someone and he's seeing someone, so we can just consider it over "for now".

I might decide that I want to reconcile later on down the road and he'll have moved on - I know that's a risk. I'm very scared of that. But I'm also scared of ending my current relationship, going back to him, and having him leave me again for her.

We usually talk or text on the phone in the evenings sometimes but I haven't talked to him and he hasn't talked to me. It's hard - it almost feels like when we first split up. I almost wish he *wasn't* there for me in the hospital - so that none of these questions in my mind would have popped up.

827Aug

I guess I will be the one to go first..... The problem I see is that you don't know what you want--nor does your estranged husband. Both of you feel you must be with someone. And the someones here don't even sound compatible. Regardless of what you and your husband decide, why do you want to keep your current boyfriend around?

You need to focus on being unattached for a period of time. And really the same goes for your husband (but he's not the one posting). Only after you work on yourself and do some serious soul searching will you be able to make that big decision.

jmfabulous

I think that you are asking yourself who you should pick...my vote is to pick yourself.

Stay single, go to counseling, and figure out where YOU want to be. Neither one of these guys sound like they deserve you or any relationship right now.

Focus on YOU

Best of Luck