Husband wants me to come home... I don't think I want to

chris1130 · 08-27-2008, 07:49 AM

My husband and I have been separated for almost 2 weeks. We were married for a little over a year but have been together for about 5 ½ years. There have just been a lot of little things over the years that have just been building up over time and I just can’t take it anymore. I feel disrespected, unloved and unappreciated by him. He just doesn’t know how to treat me right. He is constantly putting me, my family and my friends down. He doesn’t show me any affection but openly flirts with other women right in front of my face. He talks to me like I’m a child and puts me down in front of other people. We attempted marriage counseling but only went to one session because I was so angry after I left there (he showed up hungover and with a attitude). That goes to show me that he doesn’t care about fixing this marriage. We have talked a few times and he has just had a “I don’t care” type of attitude and has been completely unresponsive to all of this. He tells me that he wants me to come home but I don’t think things will change. I love him so much but I know that love alone is not going to make a marriage work. I am actually content with the idea of getting a divorce at this point. Well anyway… after 2 weeks of showing no emotion he called me last night drunk and had me on the phone for over an hour sobbing and begging me to come back to him. He went on and on about how I am the only thing he is living for and how he just can’t do this without me. He also said that he is sorry for not showing me any affection and for not showing emotions but he just doesn’t know how. He said that he needs me to show him how I want to be treated. I can’t buy that! I shouldn’t have to show him that I want him to open the door for me, speak to me in a nice way, hold my hand, stop flirting with other women, and make me feel important. He should know how to do these things on his own, especially since this type of behavior has been what most of our arguments are over in the past 5 ½ years of our relationship. I tell him all the time that the only way I am going to believe that he truly loves me is by showing me. Actions speak a lot louder than words but I shouldn’t have to tell him to do this or do that and then I will believe that you love me and I shouldn’t be in a marriage where I am unhappy because he doesn’t know how to show emotions. It makes me angry that he had to get drunk in order to show any emotion. Maybe I would feel different if he were saying all these things sober but I just feel like it's the liquor talking. I am just so confused right now!

justean · 08-27-2008, 09:09 AM

i think you already know alot in your heart.
id go for the more space myself and i have been in your situation many a time.
his behaviour wil revert back very quickly. i cant say you can change him, maybe you can. i changed my husband, but its taken 13 yrs and the degree of a one night in april this year before he changed.
but i agree with your drunken whim , why should you only be considered when that times arrives for him.
i dont think two weeks is long enough but thats me personally.
if you both want your marriage you wil try.
maybe when your ready , if your ready ,start the dating going again.
maybe give it a bit more time, suggest going out for a meal and communicate and maybe he might realise what hes giving up.
but no, you dont deserve to be treated like that. shoe on the other foot , you havent treated him like it.

draconis · 08-27-2008, 09:56 AM

I don't think you sound confused. Infact you know how you want and need to be treated and you understand that he can not provide it, nor has he been willing to try. Only after you didn't crawl back for more abuse does he bother to call you. His alcoholism is a problem.

draconis

MarkTwain · 08-27-2008, 02:56 PM

Alcohol is the deal breaker for me. Tell him it's AA or bust. There is no place for drunkenness in a marriage.

On the emotional side, alcoholics have huge levels of emotion, so if he did not show any, he was just keeping the lid on it.

I would not write him off totally - but don't listen to his words. If he can make the investment in his self of getting on "the wagon" and staying on it, then there might be hope he can measure up to your needs as well.

If he says he won't be able to be sober until he gets you back, don't buy it.

freeshias4me · 09-04-2008, 02:23 PM

The one thing that stood out for me...Is that you said you should have to show him or teach him how to treat you...
But so many men DON'T know how to treat women!!! They were never taught how by their parents, or had bad role models altogether!
I've had to teach my husband a few things...It feels silly doing it, but after they catch on, you feel glad you did it!
But I do think if you do decide to go back, it IS a long road ahead.