Wife left me for another man...
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Old 02-01-2011, 08:19 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Default Wife left me for another man...

Hey this is my first post, and felt the need to vent, seek guidance, prayers whatever...I'm not completely sure!

A little background, I have been married for almost 5 years now...and I love my wife dearly. She was my queen, and I treated her like it. When we met, she already had a child from a previous relationship (who I've raised since he was 1...bio dad not in the picture, she's not even really sure who he is...) He is my son! Regardless of DNA, he is now 7 and unaware of anyone else except for me. We also have a daughter together who is 4, she's my absolute heart.

Shortly after my daughter was born, one year into our marriage she engaged in an adulterous relationship which lasted almost 9 months. I found out about the affair and was crushed...She left for about a week and left both children with me. I continued to tell her how much I loved her and begged her to come back (probably my first mistake). She eventually came back, and we worked it out...I thought.

Some time had gone by...and the housing market tanked, and I suggested we buy a house on the cheap. We found a seemingly perfect house, in a good neighborhood and around the corner from my parents. I continued to do as much for her as I could, I got the kids ready for school, cooked dinner, served the family, helped with homework...and I was happy to do it...but my wife seemed unhappy. Fast forward two years later...and two days before Christmas she expresses this unhappiness and says she wants a divorce, she took money from out joint account and got an apartment in another city...again she left. The kids are here with me for school and go to her for a night midweek and weekends.

After dropping the kids off one day (two weeks after she left) I noticed men's clothing around the apartment. She confessed to seeing her best friends brother (whom see dated in Jr. HS) She wants the kids to go live with her (currently with me) and give me weekends!?!?!?!?

I've tried to explain to her, that I've been the primary care giver for the majority of the marriage, and she's is prone to impulsivity, anger, and poor decision making...I love her dearly and would still take her back, for better or for worse...but I feel we are heading toward a messy divorce...
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Old 02-01-2011, 08:32 PM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife left me for another man...

Don't give her the kids for the week, there's no reason to uproot them from friends and schools. That will be the only stablity in their life during the divorce should that happen. Tell her you will file for full custody and child support as well.

Personally I wouldn't take the kids to her at all. If she leaves, she leaves it all. Change the locks, box up her stuff and tell her to come get it.

You sound just far too nice and apeasing to her. Women simply don't respond to that in a man. In fact it turns them off you. You're going to have to do a lot of relearning things if you hope to have a chance of reclaiming her.

You probably would like my blog in the signature line. Last at the beginning and work your way through.

Also Affaircare (also on here) is a valuable rescource. Start with Seven Steps To Ending An Affair?
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Old 02-01-2011, 08:43 PM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife left me for another man...

Yeah...I realize, I have been her doormat for a long long long time...She is very much drawn to the bad boy types, she always joked I was "too square" for her...

The man she is seeing now, is a felon...recently out of prison
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Old 02-01-2011, 10:42 PM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife left me for another man...

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The man she is seeing now, is a felon...recently out of prison
...and the thought of allowing the kids to go there actually entered your mind?
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Old 02-01-2011, 11:08 PM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife left me for another man...

Get a good lawyer. Protect your family from her deceptive instability.
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Old 02-01-2011, 11:26 PM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife left me for another man...

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...and the thought of allowing the kids to go there actually entered your mind?
Unfortunately yes...I don't want the kids to be without their mother, and I have no control over who she dates...

She told me today...She has been generous in letting the kids stay with me, and she should have taken them the day she left. I don't know how a court of law will see her two (known) adulterous relationships, and frequent disappearing acts...but I don't think she is setting a good example for our kids, living with another man, while still married weeks after leaving me...
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Old 02-02-2011, 12:17 AM   #7 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife left me for another man...

Go to dadsdivorce.com, and read "the list".

Her cheating will not have any bearing in a court's decision, other than spouse support, unless her cheating endangered your kids.

However, you should not let her take your kids from their home, school, friends.

If she is quick to anger, must likely she will file a fake domestic abuse, to prepare the way to take custody from you.

Do what is best for your kids. From what you describe (felon, anger, taking off and leaving kids), what seems to be best for them is to stay with you. Protect them. Fight for them.

Get a lawyer. Go read and follow "the list".

Last edited by RunningOnEmpty; 02-02-2011 at 12:57 AM.
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Old 02-02-2011, 06:18 AM   #8 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife left me for another man...

After all she's not a good wife. She needs to realize that she have a wonderful family. She doesn't deserve your love and care. You need to move on but don't give the children to her. She is not a worthy mother.
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Old 02-02-2011, 07:10 AM   #9 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife left me for another man...

You're better off letting her go.

In regard to the kids, though....be very careful how you handle that. A refusal to let her see them could really hurt you when it comes to getting custody. If her boyfriend is a convicted felon, I would not refuse to let her see the kids, but I would tell her that she needs to come to your home or to some neutral location such as a park or Chuck E. Cheese or something like that. Tell her the boyfriend is not welcome and that if he comes, he will be asked to leave and if he refuses, her visit will be rescheduled for another time without his presence.

Along with that, you need to go to court ASAP and file for custody, and make sure to mention the boyfriend, IF you have proof of his felony conviction (these records are public record, so it shouldn't be too hard to get copies of the info to go with your motion for custody). Make clear in your motion that you have no problem with her seeing the kids, but you DO have a problem with them being exposed to a convicted felon. This establishes that you are not trying to prevent her from seeing the kids, and are looking out for their best interests.

If you're unable to prove that the boyfriend is a convicted felon, the most you can probably do is ask for a clause that says no overnight visitors and possibly not to introduce new relationships to the kids until/unless they are serious and about to lead to marriage. But if you do that, it will likely apply to you as well, so you have to be prepared for that, too.
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Old 02-02-2011, 10:24 AM   #10 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife left me for another man...

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You're better off letting her go.

ask for a clause that says no overnight visitors and possibly not to introduce new relationships to the kids until/unless they are serious and about to lead to marriage. But if you do that, it will likely apply to you as well, so you have to be prepared for that, too.
That's completely fine...I have no interest in dating at all...I love my wife
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Old 02-02-2011, 10:48 AM   #11 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife left me for another man...

Dad,
My wife also WAS with a confict and the only good thing about that is they almost always end up back in jail. For what ever thats worth.
Secondly, his history will not play out so well with the whole custody thing so you have that going for you.
When you do go meet a lawyer, bring in as many documents you can get with regard to who your wife is seeing and your own journels documenting her past history. Spend a little money and go online and get a back round check on him.
There are alot of sick people out there that use women to get at there kids so please to your research and find out who this guy is and what kind of crimes he has commited.
It may help but it is costly to hire a PI and have your wife investigated with regards to her bad behaviors ie. bar hopping, going out late and such.

All this info will turn this around and it will be you who is generous in letting your wife see the kids. If you know what I mean.
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Old 02-02-2011, 10:52 AM   #12 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife left me for another man...

Once your kids are protected and you have some court orders in place then you can start working on other aspect, like youself and taking care of your health and doing things that will make you a better stronger, more confident person.
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Old 02-02-2011, 01:01 PM   #13 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife left me for another man...

Quote:
Originally Posted by michzz View Post
Get a good lawyer. Protect your family from her deceptive instability.
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this

she has made up her mind
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Old 02-03-2011, 12:22 PM   #14 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife left me for another man...

more drama...I took the kids for their overnight visit as we agreed too, and she didn't bring them back today. Said she is going to enroll my son in school down there...

She kinda dropped a bomb on me, and said the last two years of our marriage she's wanted to leave me...
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Old 02-03-2011, 03:52 PM   #15 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife left me for another man...

Can she do that? Have you called the police? That is so wrong to pull him out right know in the middle of the year. His residence is on record as being at your home. I would call everyone I could think of. Call CPS, call her family.
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