Wife with restraining order...
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Old 08-31-2008, 01:08 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Default Wife with restraining order...

Hello,

Long story short, over the past year and with the added stress with my new job, Iíve been yelling a lot.

My wife left me towards the end of July. She ended getting a restraining order.

Since then, Iíve taken numerous anger management classes, parenting classes and been with a therapist weekly since she has left. All of these have been NOT court ordered.

Iím not making excuses, we have been arguing a lot, but NOTHING physical. I know words can hurt the same as physical altercations. Being in a Christian marriage, there was never any cursing.

With the PRO, she allowed me what her attorney called, ďExcellent visititation rightsĒ to my children during this period. I heard her attorney say to my wife that most of her other clients donít allow visitation rights that liberal right after a permanent restraining order has been ordered.

A few days I get a call from my wife saying for me to hold on and she allowed me to talk to my kids for as long as I wanted. After I was done, she said they would call me every night.

My family is telling me that she has noticed the changes Iíve been making and there might be a glimmer of hope in our marriage.

My question, after the kidís calls and my wife says to me that they will call tomorrow, can I inquire if the kids need anything? Can I ask if she needs cash or anything for support? What would be appropriate in the brief 3 seconds I get to actually talk to my wife each night before we hang up the phone? I want her to know that I care about her and the kids, but I donít want to push it.

I have an order of no contact to her, but she can contact me whenever.

What can I say to her in that 5 second pause to let her know that Iím here for her?

Is asking about money an OK thing to say? Kidís clothes?

I swore to myself that I would not be an every other weekend father and I will do WHATEVER it takes to make it right again.

May I get your advice?

I also created a blog about this.

Kevin and My Family
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Old 08-31-2008, 02:17 PM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife with restraining order...

I would just be civil and sweet without asking any questions at all. If she needs cash, she is bound to bring it up in some way. If she wants you back, she will make the moves. If you are legally able to let it be known through family that you want another chance then you could do that at some point, but you have to face the fact that you may have to practise your new skills of softness on the next woman.

With any luck her calls will get warmer over time, and you will have the blessing of her chasing you.
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Old 08-31-2008, 02:35 PM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife with restraining order...

You might want to send a letter to her lawyer, and pay any bills that that incures.

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Old 08-31-2008, 04:41 PM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife with restraining order...

Quote:
Originally Posted by draconis View Post
You might want to send a letter to her lawyer, and pay any bills that that incures.

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I don't know what that means.
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Old 08-31-2008, 05:11 PM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife with restraining order...

If you want to know what the kids needs are or if she needs money go through a lawyer. If you don't you might go to jail as she has a protection from abuse order on you.

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Old 08-31-2008, 06:41 PM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife with restraining order...

My apologies.

If she calls me, then Im allowed to talk to her. If she initiates the coversation.

She is not the kind of person that would call foul in these types of situations.

She would not set me up like all the other horror storys you hear.

Thanks.
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Old 08-31-2008, 06:44 PM   #7 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife with restraining order...

Nonetheless i really like drac's idea of going through the lawyer. it shows her that you have taken her feelings seriously. she's put a barrier between you and her for a reason and you should respect it until she decides to take it down. So if you have any questions or want to offer any gestures, go through the lawyer. It will show her you are respecting her boundaries and also trying to be a better man.
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Old 08-31-2008, 06:52 PM   #8 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife with restraining order...

She doesnt have a lawyer.
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Old 08-31-2008, 08:01 PM   #9 (permalink)
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She called tonight, I talked to my kids for the normal amount of time and the she got the phone. I was about to day somethig to her and she told me about a fund raiser at my daughters school and the price of a school picture.

I then asked if they need new clothes and she said yes. I said if you can get me the sizes that would be great.

We talked about 2 minutes. She actualy brought up a few other things.

I think she expected me to be bitter and pi$$ed about the PRO, but Im the exact opposite.

Im learning from my mistakes and even though its only been a few weeks. Its more communication than I thougt she would be given me.

It takes 90 days to unlearn a habbit and im on day 30 right now.
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Old 08-31-2008, 11:09 PM   #10 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife with restraining order...

Well stay with it, you will be a better man for it.

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Old 09-01-2008, 06:59 AM   #11 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife with restraining order...

netsweepecho-
You're being absolutly super-cool dude, awesome!
Just keep it up. Some days will be better than others, but I bet she will cut you some slack if you are consistent for the most part.

Keep us posted! I bet this story is going to run and run...
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Old 09-01-2008, 08:29 AM   #12 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife with restraining order...

you sound like my hubby with his anger issues, hes much better now, after being diagnosed with depression.taking his mediaction.
he really is a different man.
i personally think , to many things were getin out of control for you and no matter who were there for you, you really couldnt see them for what you were doing.
but you have taken the turn and you must continue.
i agree with the above, keep it up.
stay calm when your talking. you have to change, but you know that.
i think you could save your marriage.
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Old 09-01-2008, 10:42 AM   #13 (permalink)
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One other thing..you know there are agencys out there that will help with anger, parenting and stuff like that, but ONLY if you have a court order.

In my cases it was not court ordered. I had to beg an agency to "let" me in for anger management and pay them $100.

I want to thank you all for your responses. Any of you read any Gary Smalley books?

It at least gives me hope.
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Old 09-01-2008, 08:46 PM   #14 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife with restraining order...

She called again tonight and I got to talk to the kids. Afterwards we talked for about 5-10 minutes.

I told her that I didnít want to say anything to make her feel uncomfortable. I also told her that I wanted to follow the rules and respect her privacy.

She said, "Itís OK, if we are talking about the kids then we are OK."

I asked her how much support ($) she wanted this pay day and also told her that Iím not going to be a deadbeat dad, she said, "I know youíre not going to be like that.." She sounded really honest.

I get to see my kids on Wednesday (Unsupervised, all my weekend visits and everything are completely unsupervised. The judge ALMOST denied her PRO, but he said, "Iím going to Err on the side of caution..") My mom and her dad are going to go with me so I can take my kids to the park, and then they can talk to her.

When she was at the hearing for the PRO, the advocates there had her brainwashed and she would not say anything, not even to her parents. Here they can maybe at least talk to her.

Here is what I think....we were having a few martial issues and she might wanted to separate and rather than "talking" about it she does stuff like this (PRO). I told her I didnít need counseling, but I knew I did. I just enrolled in a 26 weeks extensive anger class to make myself a better parent and husband. That makes 2 anger management classes, a parenting class and a therapist I have seen in 4 weeks.

Here is something that I have not told anyone. Iím not putting her down, but she ups and leaves on ALL her relationships if she doesnít like the way itís going. Her Ex before she meet me got her pregnant. She did not tell him, he left for work and she left (just like she did me) and WAS going to abort the baby. When I first met her, I talked about adoption and thatís what she did. Her Ex doesnít even know he is a father. She leaves without talking over her problems.

But I still love her and her and will do anything to get our family back.

She doesnít know that Iím doing all this stuff. All her social worker friends are telling her that here are the statisticsÖ. If he yelled before he is going to yell again..

I want to be more than a statistic..

Iíll let you all know after Wed what happens then.
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Old 09-02-2008, 12:23 AM   #15 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife with restraining order...

Be careful, and keep working towards being a better person.

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