Advice on what to do going forward

Rico · 02-08-2011, 02:18 PM

Some of you may already know my story and those that have taken the time to read it, I'm looking for some healthy advice.

My wife has made her mind up to separate and there is nothing I can say or do. I've tried to talk to her and every time we go through the conversation it's the same thing. I want her back but I feel that if continuing to try and "convince" her it is just making her more and more resentful. I want to just say "ok, if you're done then you're done and I cant convince you so I no longer will bring this up". She gets aggravated easily when we talk and it just leads to us getting into an argument which obviously isn't going to make things better or help my cause. but I dont want to just give up in the hopes that she will eventually see things a bit more clear rather than in a haze of anger. Any advice as to how I should treat all of this?

denise1218 · 02-08-2011, 02:23 PM

Exactly what I am going thru with my husband. Everyone says the more you beg and plead...the less likely they will come back. I talked with my guy friend who is divorced and speaking from experience he said....if you want your spouse back...all you have to do is go out and enjoy yourself. Do not let them know you are hurting....then they will come back. Trust me....it has been 6 wks. for me and I still cant seem to follow that logic....but can all these people be wrong?

hopemom · 02-08-2011, 02:38 PM

I did find out that my husband was upset (???) that I said that I wanted the actual physical separation to happen sooner rather than later. He said, I thought you didn't want this to happen. I said I don't, but having you here in the house and not wanting to touch me or be with me, is making me crazy. IF you are going to leave and I can't stop it, then just go. SO far, he has gone along with the plan but isn't really making any moves on his own. I also don't see him leaning my way either. He tolerates my good by kisses, answers my cell calls and text messages, but doesn't initiate much unless it has to do with the kids. Partly I think because he believes he sends me the wrong message if he is the one initiating contact, but also because I think he is afraid he will contradict himself if he does want to spend time with me. Does that make sense? I think his "counselor" has a plan with him and he is following it cause he thinks he won't be the bad guy if he is just doing what she says to do. The counselor isn't even a licensed psychologist or clinical social worker. He has a lot of issues he should be working on and instead, he has built it all around our marriage. Gonna crash and burn soon. The next thing he is supposed to be doing is finding a place to live, then we will tell the kids and family, but so far, no word on the move out.

Rico · 02-08-2011, 02:39 PM

I've heard that just stepping away and giving her the time she needs to mourn and grieve all of the things she's going through is the way to go. Give her that because she needs it and it isnt going to go away right away. Let the anger subside and learn to be her friend again. Work on the friendship and see where it goes. It's tough though.

vivea · 02-08-2011, 02:40 PM

Well I've heard of that tactic and i also couldn't do it but things are starting to come naturally to me and i decided to go out with friends this Sat.We are planning a fun weekend with the kids and later we'll go clubbing.I'll dress up and try to be myself.
i'm done pleading and begging.
In fact he just called ,after me telling him that i do not with to talk to him in the next few days,he wanted to chat about daughter's school,than proceeded to ask me what we have planned today...?! "Really you expect me to tell you what exactly is happening in my life" ?!!
I was a bit businessy and didn't say much ,didn't ask about his day....At the end he said i can't wait to see you guys in 2 days....well that obviously doesn't mean ME it means the kids...

I said "great we'll be here, Bye"

Rico · 02-08-2011, 03:15 PM

Well, I'm not going to go out of my way to be malicious and be a robot. I want to really work on being friends and learning to live amicably. But I will be doing my thing going forward. I'm no longer even going to talk about getting back with her. All it's going to do is frustrate me and make me feel bitter that she won't budge. I'm going to try but I know it's going to be hard.