So I hired an attorney. I don't know my H anymore, haven't for a long time. See, I don't know what he's capable of and me leaving (after months of telling/asking for a separation), I just want to protect myself and my son. I don't know if we can work things out...dropped my son off today and he said, "you can move back in" "its lonely here without u guys" "I love you and I know u don't believe me"...no, I don't! He refused to leave, talk, agree to do whatever it took to work this out.
So....when he's served papers, he will be livid! Do I tell him before hand? I'm struggling with this...I don't like to keep secrets and has been the only one talking. Its not divorce papers, we have to be separated for a year. Its bascially a "separation agreement" for visitation etc....
My attorney said that we could meet and come up w/terms we both agree upon. If not, if we go to a hearing that will be set and a judge will decide for us. I've been asking him what he wants to do (about spending time with our son) and he hasn't answered me or says he doesn't know what to do. When I originally asked to separate, I was clear I wasn't trying to take his home or his child away from him...I'm still not. Our biggest problem is communication (I try, he doesn't talk) so I need some rules we both follow and are clear on. If we work things out fine, but if we don't, then we as adults needs to make the decisions, not leave my 9 year old making them. I've told him he wouldn't hurt my feelings if he wanted to spend time with his Dad in hopes he can enjoy his time without guilt.... Posted via Mobile Device
My attorney said that we could meet and come up w/terms we both agree upon. If not, if we go to a hearing that will be set and a judge will decide for us. I've been asking him what he wants to do (about spending time with our son) and he hasn't answered me or says he doesn't know what to do. When I originally asked to separate, I was clear I wasn't trying to take his home or his child away from him...I'm still not. Our biggest problem is communication (I try, he doesn't talk) so I need some rules we both follow and are clear on. If we work things out fine, but if we don't, then we as adults needs to make the decisions, not leave my 9 year old making them. I've told him he wouldn't hurt my feelings if he wanted to spend time with his Dad in hopes he can enjoy his time without guilt.... Posted via Mobile Device
probably clear as mud, to him, maybe put it in a letter and send it to him, be very clear, very precise, short sentences (men, in general, do not notice subtle hints, thats why most of us are where we are today
What do you want? Tell him. That may get him to talk; if not you will have atleast said what you want. Also, what does your son want (not that he should control things bit it is nice to know what he is thinking).
Good luck.
probably clear as mud, to him, maybe put it in a letter and send it to him, be very clear, very precise, short sentences (men, in general, do not notice subtle hints, thats why most of us are where we are today
You know, I think you're on to something Crank!
Men are more general than women, but seriously.....
I want to spend more time together
I want to do more as a family
Sex is important to me, I wanna have it
I want us to talk more
Are these not simple? For the life of me...I don't know what else to do but pull out a "**** and Jane" book and use that as a guide LOL
probably clear as mud, to him, maybe put it in a letter and send it to him, be very clear, very precise, short sentences (men, in general, do not notice subtle hints, thats why most of us are where we are today
Quote:
Originally Posted by nice777guy
Sounds like he's either depressed or just plain clueless.
Are you sure he'll be "livid" about getting the separation papers? It doesn't sound like anything else has gotten much of an emotional response.
I think anytime someone is served papers it would make u mad. I tried putting myself in his shoes and it made me mad.
Well...he can't be depressed, he doesn't believe in depression! (haha?)
And you're right....
Nothing has gotten his attention so far, he's losing me and I told him his pride would do that.
What do you want? Tell him. That may get him to talk; if not you will have atleast said what you want. Also, what does your son want (not that he should control things bit it is nice to know what he is thinking).
Good luck.
We have talked a little this past weekend. Something happened in his family that kind of opened the door. His youngest sister is having an affair w/a man she met on-line. She's been married for 10 years and her husband is great. She also thinks she could be pregnant (wow). I told him, everyone looked at us and thought we were happy. You just never know what goes on behind closed doors and what's really going on in someone's relationship.
Anyway, I've called the attorney and asked her to hold off for the moment. She still has my money and wasn't even in the office Thursday or Friday, so she can't be too far into it.
I want to meet with her again, see if he and I come up with an agreement, if we can't move on from there. I don't like the feeling of being sneaky....it's just not in my nature. I'm an open book and HATE to hide things....it eats me up inside.
Oh, and I told him what I wanted....we're working on talking more.
You know, I think you're on to something Crank!
Men are more general than women, but seriously.....
I want to spend more time together
I want to do more as a family
Sex is important to me, I wanna have it
I want us to talk more
Are these not simple? For the life of me...I don't know what else to do but pull out a "**** and Jane" book and use that as a guide LOL
I agree about the letter. Only becasue H found many of my post here and said to me "I know you have said these things to me before but reading them (and the replies) wow it was like I got hit by a truck!" HOWEVER, now things are so fake and very unlike him that it's driving me nuts and farther into this funk of feeling I have no alternatives or choices.
So...I'd go with letter and I praise you on finding strength to find your happiness.
You know, I think you're on to something Crank!
Men are more general than women, but seriously.....
I want to spend more time together
I want to do more as a family
Sex is important to me, I wanna have it
I want us to talk more
Are these not simple? For the life of me...I don't know what else to do but pull out a "**** and Jane" book and use that as a guide LOL
Ok, I didn't know the D word when referring to a children's book would be ****'d LOL Anyone remember those books? "See Jane run" I guess we can't talk about him lol
My understanding - in my state - about "divorce" papers is that you can serve them yourself, but they encourage you to have an attorney or a sheriff do it in order to have proof of delivery.
If YOU deliver, then I think you need to obtain a signature or some sort of proofe.
Is it an option for you to deliver these papers yourself? Might take a bit of the sting off of things, yet he would still know that you are serious.
I agree about the letter. Only becasue H found many of my post here and said to me "I know you have said these things to me before but reading them (and the replies) wow it was like I got hit by a truck!" HOWEVER, now things are so fake and very unlike him that it's driving me nuts and farther into this funk of feeling I have no alternatives or choices.
So...I'd go with letter and I praise you on finding strength to find your happiness.
Thanks!
I have been both happy and unhappy during all this...
What I have found is that being honest with myself and with him has brought me much peace.
Of course after talking yesterday, he wants me to come home, he wants to work this out, still doesn't think therapy will help b/c those people just tell you what you want to hear and they just learned it from a book. He said that if we divorce, he won't do this again...he loves me and my family and he doesn't want to get to know another family...
All this sounds great? Right? I've been gone for a week, it took me leaving for him to even talk. But talking isn't going to work. Actions speak louder than words. I have to be happy and he has MAJOR work to do....Because after all this time, I've put up a wall, something I've never done with anyone else in my life.
He's hurt me to my core and I don't even know if I love him.
Guilt! 
