Has he filed for divorce yet? I dont see you saying that he has a lawyer. Mabey he is just out having his fun and will be back when he is finished. My stbx filed a couple months after he left. if he is serious he would have already started the proceedings.
Has he filed for divorce yet? I dont see you saying that he has a lawyer. Mabey he is just out having his fun and will be back when he is finished. My stbx filed a couple months after he left. if he is serious he would have already started the proceedings.
No, he hasn't. He said to me to file and he'll sign for adultery and I've said no as I'm not the one who wants the divorce, I said he can do it just state unreasonable behaviour if he is so desperate.. He said "No it will take to long" then in the next breath "I'm in no hurry, I'll just wait for the 2 years"
__________________
Do you want me to tell you something really subversive? Love is everything it's cracked up to be. That's why people are so cynical about it. . . . It really is worth fighting for, being brave for, risking everything for. And the trouble is, if you don't risk anything, you risk even more.
I dont think your husband Is serious, but they way he is acting is cruel. he might be sorry when you finally get strong and dont want him back. he might be figuring your still waiting for him so he can play games with you. you really need to go nc with him, I mean even if he calls about the kids birthday I would just text him no you can have your own party with them I already have plans with them and you are not invited. my stbx had his own party with my son. I didnt invite him to it, he did ask me if his family was invited to it, i told him no. I dont answer his calls unless I think there important about my son, when he leaves messages on the answering machine, I listen and If there nonsense calls I dont call back, most of them are. see how you feel when he dont reply to your tests, well thats what he will feel when you dont reply to his.
I dont think your husband Is serious, but they way he is acting is cruel. he might be sorry when you finally get strong and dont want him back. he might be figuring your still waiting for him so he can play games with you. you really need to go nc with him, I mean even if he calls about the kids birthday I would just text him no you can have your own party with them I already have plans with them and you are not invited. my stbx had his own party with my son. I didnt invite him to it, he did ask me if his family was invited to it, i told him no. I dont answer his calls unless I think there important about my son, when he leaves messages on the answering machine, I listen and If there nonsense calls I dont call back, most of them are. see how you feel when he dont reply to your tests, well thats what he will feel when you dont reply to his.
I don't know what he thinks or feels any more, and I made a promise to my friend last night, that I would not contact him and I haven't.. Ok, it's only 3pm but I haven't even been tempted. You're right, I do tell him that I still want him, and that I want to work on it, I'm not going to say it again, I think that while he knows that I am here waiting he can go and do what he likes... live his single life then come home when he's done. Well he's in for a shock now.
As for the birthday, we're not having a party and he's told the children he's coming, so I will put up with it for this weekend, but he's the one who's going to be wondering what's going on when I don't talk to him at all, all week and then he's going to see me. I've not seen him in 2 weeks and I've changed my appearance alot in that time..
__________________
Do you want me to tell you something really subversive? Love is everything it's cracked up to be. That's why people are so cynical about it. . . . It really is worth fighting for, being brave for, risking everything for. And the trouble is, if you don't risk anything, you risk even more.
Remember when he says positive things its only when your not speaking to him, thats to get you back where he wants you. do not respond to anything he has to say,good or bad. like I said only if it pertains to the children, and most of the time it wont because you have them and the divorce isnt started so there isnt a child visitation or child support order you need to discuss. so its most likely he will try to talk about the kids but it will really be to see whats up with you. trust me my stbx dont call 50 times a day to talk to my son for 3 seconds, its to see if were home and what we are doing. if my son and I go out, if I drop him at my sisters for an hour, my stbx is calling all day long, if he was so concerned about missing my son he knows I dont have a problem with him picking him up more, I have told him to take him out more, he is always calling my son saying I miss you(to my son) yet he dont do anything about it, its because if he missed him that much he could come pick him up for an hour or so. so I dont believe he calls 50 times to say he misses him.
once you start getting yourself strong and your never home like my son and I, they dont like it, they like to know where you are all the time. my son and I are never home and I think it bothers ex that I am not sitting here waiting for a call. and half the time while we are out he will be calling my cell all night. I will have my son call him back once, and he will question my son as to where we are and if mommy is with him. I do like to see him squirm a little so if we are out and he calls my cell I will have my son call from the house phone of where we are at and then he gets real worried about where we are cause its not my number showing up on the phone. then he really starts wondering and calling more. but the nc has helped me move on and not care what he thinks anymore. I went out this saturday and had a blast, didnt think I could meet anyone and guess what wasnt even looking to meet anyone, minding my own business and a nice guy aproached me and we talked for over an hour and if he gave me his nimber and If he asks me out I will go on a date. nothing serious though, I am not ready for that. concentrating on myself and my son right now. am in no hurry to introduce my son to any guys yet.
He has texted me several times this afternoon asking about what our daughter would like for her birthday and if he could take her out next weekend and buy her things.. I've replied once saying, it wouldn't be fair to take her on her own and not seeing our other 2 children.. I mean seriously, does this man have a brain in his head?! Take out one child for a nice day out, leaving the other 2 (who are 8 and 7) at home when he wont have seen them all week and wont for another week!? Grrrr He's textd since and I've come to the conclusion, he is just texting me about the kids, to get me to talk... Well I am not falling for that one...
__________________
Do you want me to tell you something really subversive? Love is everything it's cracked up to be. That's why people are so cynical about it. . . . It really is worth fighting for, being brave for, risking everything for. And the trouble is, if you don't risk anything, you risk even more.
For how long? Are you serious this time? When are you really going to be done with his BS?
I thought you had it together after he refused to help you with the car, but you didn't. You caved. You're certainly not hurting him by allowing him to disrespect you the way he does. Who ended up hurt when you talked to him?
You're virtually begging the man to treat you like dirt.
For how long? Are you serious this time? When are you really going to be done with his BS?
I thought you had it together after he refused to help you with the car, but you didn't. You caved. You're certainly not hurting him by allowing him to disrespect you the way he does. Who ended up hurt when you talked to him?
You're virtually begging the man to treat you like dirt.
No, I am not, I didn't beg him to talk to me or beg him to come home, he was the one sending me texts he was the one that called me when he was drunk, I have stood my ground, I have told him what I want/need, I haven't given in and told him how 'I' am, which is what is making him angry, he seems to think he can live away and I will still inform him of everything that is going on with me and I have told him didly squat! I've spoken to him about the children only when it was important, I've arranged for him to call at a certain time to speak to them.
Ok, yes I did get a little upset last night, I hurt him and I wasn't proud of that fact. I got upset, because I wanted to tell him what was going on with me, but I wanted him to be here, to hold me whilst I told him... you have no idea how f*cking scared I am, and I feel like I am going it alone, I am sat here crying now.. I've had treatment today, I am so weak, I went to the supermarket and bought a spit roast chicken for the childrens dinner, as I can't even bring myself to cook from scratch, I wish things were different but they are not.
I hung up on him last night, I wouldn't tell him when he texted. I didn't reply... if I wasn't going through all of this and I didn't have 3 kids, I know I would be so much stronger, I know you all think that I am a fool, but he hasn't always been this person and yeah I am mourning the loss of the person he was, I don't know why he's convinced himself everything was so bad. I sometimes feel like he wants me to tell him everything was good, to 'remind' him, he always asks "What is there to save"
"Why do you want to be with me" I know I shouldn't want to be with him, but I don't want to be with this person, I want my H.
__________________
Do you want me to tell you something really subversive? Love is everything it's cracked up to be. That's why people are so cynical about it. . . . It really is worth fighting for, being brave for, risking everything for. And the trouble is, if you don't risk anything, you risk even more.
No, I am not, I didn't beg him to talk to me or beg him to come home, he was the one sending me texts he was the one that called me when he was drunk, I have stood my ground, I have told him what I want/need, I haven't given in and told him how 'I' am, which is what is making him angry, he seems to think he can live away and I will still inform him of everything that is going on with me and I have told him didly squat! I've spoken to him about the children only when it was important, I've arranged for him to call at a certain time to speak to them.
You sent him a picture of you.
You answered the phone when it wasn't about the children.
You allowed him to say horrible things to you.
You allowed him to get away with the withheld number trick. You cried on the phone, which showed him you're still invested.
You asked about his happiness.
Those things are not a part of NC.
You can see the reaction his loss of control has garnered. He's going crazy because you're not succumbing to his every wish. You'll get even better results after actually practicing NC.
AmI...he needs to do a list like the one my H. sent me...i guess that list made him realize what he'll be losing. He needs to put in a list the positive and the negative and see which side outweighs the other ...
I don't know...he seems so lost...like most people that leave..
NC is a step really needed for him...sucks because of the kids you can't do a real NC but do whatever you can...
I understand about the job...i also had plans to start my business once the little one reaches 2 years old...i have been investing already into it....H. never told me that he wanted me to work but he was excited about it, ...i'm sure his attitude would have been different...
.....sorry i was busy giving you purpose in your materialistic life...i'm giving you a family... but you're blind to see that.
As for the birthday, we're not having a party and he's told the children he's coming, so I will put up with it for this weekend, but he's the one who's going to be wondering what's going on when I don't talk to him at all, all week and then he's going to see me. I've not seen him in 2 weeks and I've changed my appearance alot in that time..
I'd tell him he's not welcome at your house and let him make his own arrangements for the birthday get together, on his own time, in his own place and way, as Bellringer suggested. Just let him take the kids and be done with him!
You really have to do a "180" and just cut him off from you. He's toxic. If you eat something and it makes you sick, do you keep eating it? By allowing yourself to be exposed to this man and his brand of cruelty you are not making things better. You have to stop the calls. DON'T ANSWER. Do NOT respond to his texts. Let him see the kids ON HIS OWN and make it clear that YOUR door is NOT open to him.
At the very least you'll be rid of his abuse. Or it may burn him around but at least it'll get you on stable ground not having to deal with it.
The stress of all this is not helping your health. He should be ashamed of himself..
__________________ D DAY: Monday, April 1, 2013 And now it's your chance to move on
Change the way you've lived for so long
And find the strength you've had inside all along
'Cause life starts now
I'd tell him he's not welcome at your house and let him make his own arrangements for the birthday get together, on his own time, in his own place and way, as Bellringer suggested. Just let him take the kids and be done with him!
You really have to do a "180" and just cut him off from you. He's toxic. If you eat something and it makes you sick, do you keep eating it? By allowing yourself to be exposed to this man and his brand of cruelty you are not making things better. You have to stop the calls. DON'T ANSWER. Do NOT respond to his texts. Let him see the kids ON HIS OWN and make it clear that YOUR door is NOT open to him.
At the very least you'll be rid of his abuse. Or it may burn him around but at least it'll get you on stable ground not having to deal with it.
The stress of all this is not helping your health. He should be ashamed of himself..
He isn't coming to my house, We are meeting up and going to the Zoo, the children know we are going together that's what our daughter wanted, and I will do it for my kids, I have thought long and hard about it, I can stomach a couple of days with him around as we'll be out doing things. There will be no 'us' talk as it's about our kids. I will look nice, I will be happy, I'm not going to be hanging on his every word. I have changed, I do feel stronger, the future without him, doesn't look so bleak.
But I would like to give our marriage a shot, but I've said what I need to say. I have shown him I am getting on with it, yes I sent him that pic, showed him what he is missing.. it worked though didn't it, he is jealous. I just wish the stupid fool would act on it.
I am not sat here crying all the time any more, believe me I have my moments, but now the name calling doesn't do anything.. sadly I think I am not used to it. But he's not getting a rise out of me.
If he is really serious about wanting to get back with me at any point he knows where I am, I'm not going to chase him, I am not going to boost his ego. I do love him. I've told him that, I don't need to again. The ball is well and truly in his court.
I am concentrating on me, my health and my babies. He isn't even a close 3rd...
__________________
Do you want me to tell you something really subversive? Love is everything it's cracked up to be. That's why people are so cynical about it. . . . It really is worth fighting for, being brave for, risking everything for. And the trouble is, if you don't risk anything, you risk even more.
Also I forgot to say, he was trying to tell knew what we were doing on Sunday, what would be better for him.. I set him straight & told him that we were going to the cinema, then lunch, then we'd be going home so I can play with my daughter & her birthday gifts.
I felt quite good that I didn't just agree to what he wanted. Posted via Mobile Device
Good for you! I'm afraid that spending time with him will set you back. I know that when I spend too much time and get too involved with my husband it's a huge set back (as in last Saturday night). I've resolved not to allow that situation to happen because of all the stress and misery it causes.
I agree that when it comes to your kid's birthday you have no choice. He's their father and if your daughter wants everyone together than that's how it has to be. Maybe in the future or when the kids get older and more used to the situation (assuming it doesn't change) you can modify it but for now keeping the kids happy is more important than anything else so a few hours of discomfort may have to be in order to attain that.
You're strong and you have the right idea but the only thing I'd say is that you really need to stop the phone conversations beyond what is completely necessary. Keep it short, business like and if he starts the name calling and abuse then HANG UP ON HIM and turn the phone off! It's a lot less painful then what he's putting you through!
Don't send him any pics either. When he sees you and he doesn't get the response from you that he expects he'll know that things have changed.
__________________ D DAY: Monday, April 1, 2013 And now it's your chance to move on
Change the way you've lived for so long
And find the strength you've had inside all along
'Cause life starts now
Re: Seriously.. 
Good for you! I'm afraid that spending time with him will set you back. I know that when I spend too much time and get too involved with my husband it's a huge set back (as in last Saturday night). I've resolved not to allow that situation to happen because of all the stress and misery it causes. 
