Seriously..

AmImad · 03-08-2011, 10:17 AM

Thank you Freak, He has sent me a few texts today... I am still confused, it's so difficult to read 'emotion' from blinking text messages...

But basically the conversation was about getting to know each other again.. taking things slow, that he is having trouble with the see-sawing... (well the see-sawing is basically me, not talking to him, him getting the arse ache, thus resulting in a row)

I did ask if he missed me, He said "I haven't had much of a chance to see the nice you recently so no".. Notice how it's my fault again?

I just said well it's the same for me funnily enough..and you have done this, I don't like who you are and I'm not missing the nasty you... (Honestly he hasn't always treated me this way..)

He said he'd like to get through this weekend and go from there, if we can be nice and get on, he'd like to spend more time with me...

I haven't replied. So out of the 7 messages he has sent today I have replied with 2, and ignored his one phone call, I didn't answer as I thought if it was important he'd leave a vmail he hasn't.

I still don't know if it's a control thing, or if the fog is clearing for him. I know I am going to be given a virtual slap for replying, but this is the first positive thing he has done, but again I don't know if he's being sincere or just a power hungry git again..

He used to worship the ground I walked on, he would watch me walk down the road to his house, I had an eating disorder when we first got together, he was there at the hospital every single day. He would come home with my favourite flowers. He would arrange romantic evenings in, where he would replicate the meal we had at my favourite restaurant in the world on the night he proposed, every year he would make me a valentines day card, he would come home from work with little gifts occasionally. When I was ill, (this is what really gets me) he would run a bath, get the blankets out, tuck me up on the sofa, wait on me, making sure I had drinks, when we went to Dubai, I had a horrendous migraine, he went out in search of medicine. He didn't drink, do drugs, he was a little addicted to his computer, but with his aspergers, it really didn't help, and you do make allowances., but he was someone completely different to the person he is now.

I know everything I write recently makes him sound like a monster and right now, that's exactly what he is. But he hasn't always been this way.. Can you understand why I want my old husband back? The man I described above is the man I am still in love with.

I keep thinking that if I show him the nice me again, be someone he wants to be around (Like the 180 suggests) things could be better, because if I was the 'friendly' nice me again, he would miss me? *sigh*

AmImad · 03-08-2011, 10:57 AM

Well I decided to test the water a little.. to see if I could work out if he was being sincere or just a jerk again..

I just asked if he misses the kisses.. (he always loved to kiss me) he just replied, I don't understand the relevance of that. So in short yes he is still being a jerk, he could have sent a nice heart felt msg, he had an opportunity and he didn't take it.

I just said I'll take that silence as a no, enjoy your evening. I've got the answer I was looking for no more wondering, no more over thinking his messages, hoping there was more to it. I am such a f*cking mug.

So back to the NC corner I go. Why should I be the 'nice' me, when there is no 'nice' him yet.

I will be the nice me at the weekend for my babies sake, but that's it. I'm glad I didn't let him reel me in completely and knock me back down.

vivea · 03-08-2011, 11:08 AM

AmI...i believe you hunny...H. was the same way ..the most romantic loving thing on earth...honestly...i couldn't believe my luck to meet such an amazing guy...and he's good looking guy too...younger than me.
Always nice to me, always smiling at me no matter what,never ever raised his voice on me ...never ,never called me names,always made me feel sexy with his comments, he would do scrapbooks for me for different occasions,birth of kids,vacations...he would save little things from these events and than he'll glue them to the scrapbook .He was just amazing person.
That is why i was totally shocked from his behavior...he's never been that mean to any human being let alone the woman that loved him 10 years and gave him family....and I haven't done anything to hurt him....i hope one day i get to the bottom of this...i just want to know WHY?!

Good for you AmI...i'm so proud of you, i can't even begin to describe how much you amaze me....He's coming around...slowly but it's happening.i know what you mean though you want him realizing what he's done and coming over to you crying and begging....I wanted that too but i'm taking the little crumbs the H. gave me at the moment....i can't reject him and hope that one day he'll do what was hoping for.May be one day he'll realize while we are together and go to MC .I would like to see that loving look in his eyes and sincere apology from him.
So for now i think you should take what he is offering ,if he wants to get to know YOU than you should give him a chance...show him the nice you....that is what I'm doing and I have to say it works.If you still want him, be the bigger person.

AmImad · 03-08-2011, 11:54 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by vivea

y i get to the bottom of this...i just want to know WHY?!

Good for you AmI...i'm so proud of you, i can't even begin to describe how much you amaze me....He's coming around...slowly but it's happening.i know what you mean though you want him realizing what he's done and coming over to you crying and begging....I wanted that too but i'm taking the little crumbs the H. gave me at the moment....i can't reject him and hope that one day he'll do what was hoping for.May be one day he'll realize while we are together and go to MC .I would like to see that loving look in his eyes and sincere apology from him.
So for now i think you should take what he is offering ,if he wants to get to know YOU than you should give him a chance...show him the nice you....that is what I'm doing and I have to say it works.If you still want him, be the bigger person.

Well he txted me and said 'I thought we were going to see how we get through the weekend and see how we get on. I am not looking for anything with you, not looking to get back with you.'

I've just replied 'Look, we are just getting together at the weekend for the kids, there's no point of us seeing how we get on if you never have a view of getting to know me again, it's a waste of time. I'm not kidding myself.'

I hurt Viv, I'm not going to lie to you, there was that little flutter in my belly after he apologised last night, wanted to see me then the other msgs, but now, now I know it was just another game to him. And I've done it to myself yet again. I hate myself I really do. I am so stupid for having the tiniest bit of hope. Why do I want him to want me so much?

I'm not a bad person, honestly, I would do anything for anyone, so why, why does he treat me like this? Maybe the old him has well and truly gone? It's 5 months on the 27th he said he's not come home so what does that tell me. I want to hate him so much, I just want him out of my life, more so than the cancer, he hurts me more than any biopsy or treatment that I have to endure.

Seriously I have to deserve better than this, what have I ever done? I am sat sobbing once again! I HATE that I let him make me feel this way.

FFS! HE DOESN'T WANT ME! Please can someone drum that into my big fat ugly head!

Freak On a Leash · 03-08-2011, 04:57 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by AmImad

I did ask if he missed me, He said "I haven't had much of a chance to see the nice you recently so no".. Notice how it's my fault again?

He said he'd like to get through this weekend and go from there, if we can be nice and get on, he'd like to spend more time with me...

Quote:

Originally Posted by AmImad

I just asked if he misses the kisses.. (he always loved to kiss me) he just replied, I don't understand the relevance of that. So in short yes he is still being a jerk, he could have sent a nice heart felt msg, he had an opportunity and he didn't take it.

Don't you get it? This is about CONTROL. He is scared that he's losing control of you..hence the abuse and then the "We'll see if we can be nice and the maybe I'll throw you (the dog) a bone".

Then you ask him if he misses you and about the kisses, etc. He's got you RIGHT where he wants you and things like that PROVE it!! You are ENCOURAGING him to keep treating you like crap. You are just opening yourself up to more pain and abuse and until you do as the 180 states and keep it cordial and business-like this going to keep going 'round and 'round.

You are misunderstanding the 180. It's not about you being "nice" and kowtowing to him. It's about you presenting a strong and confident side. Pleasant? Yes. Cordial? Yes. Chat about the weather? Sure. But don't act needy or pathetic. That's the exact thing you SHOULD NOT be doing!! But you are!!

I KNOW he was a great guy! He sounds awesome! A year ago I had a great husband too. But SOMETHING changes these guys..that's why we are separated!

Maybe it's all on him or maybe it's a combination of things but he's NOT THE SAME GUY. I have the SAME situation and the sooner it's realized that the man you are separated from is NOT The same person you loved and loved you the sooner you can deal with him on emotionally equal grounds.

Right now you are NOT being consistent. The 180 is ALL about consistency..and THAT is the hard part. It's why I was SO pissed at myself about my going over to my husband's house last Saturday..because I slipped. All you can do is resolve to do better and continue on.

But you have to start at Step 1. No more chats on the telephone. No more taking his text messages. Just ignore them. Turn off the phone. Just TRY. If you have to talk then talk about the kids and only the kids. It's going to take TIME to convince him so it's going to take more than a few days.

He's trying to browbeat you and guilt you down. Don't go there! You will get MUCH better results MUCH faster if you stick with the program!

Please....read it again, carefully.

The 180

vivea · 03-08-2011, 08:54 PM

AmI hunny...freak is so right...i hate to say that but she is right...i know how hard it is but he is controlling you...he doesn't want to be with you right now but still wants to control you and eat the cake when he feels like.Let's see what the weekend offers and than you'll go from there,cut him off big time...only than you'll know the truth...5 months is enough...it's time for some action and the truth.
We are with you honey.Keep talking!
hugs

rome2012 · 03-08-2011, 08:56 PM

I was going to say the same thing....

He was getting scared for a moment because he felt you were slipping away.....he thought he was going to lose you.....

So he lured you in with the "lets see where it goes from there"....and when you asked about the kisses he knew exactly that he still had you were he wants you....right there waiting for him....

So he went back to being the dominant one.....

Quote:

I am not looking for anything with you, not looking to get back with you.

....

Do me a favor....check out the book "Why men love *****es".....it's been a big eye opener for me and it is helping me finding the strength and confidence I need to withstand my ex-husband's little mind games.....

My ex has been just as great as your husband.....I want that man back....not the guy he is now....I know he's somewhere.....I'll just have to find him....

Check out that book and read it while you're getting your treatment.....it will help, trust me.

anx · 03-08-2011, 09:38 PM

Quote:

He used to worship the ground I walked on, he would watch me walk down the road to his house, I had an eating disorder when we first got together, he was there at the hospital every single day. He would come home with my favourite flowers. He would arrange romantic evenings in, where he would replicate the meal we had at my favourite restaurant in the world on the night he proposed, every year he would make me a valentines day card, he would come home from work with little gifts occasionally. When I was ill, (this is what really gets me) he would run a bath, get the blankets out, tuck me up on the sofa, wait on me, making sure I had drinks, when we went to Dubai, I had a horrendous migraine, he went out in search of medicine. He didn't drink, do drugs, he was a little addicted to his computer, but with his aspergers, it really didn't help, and you do make allowances., but he was someone completely different to the person he is now.

I know everything I write recently makes him sound like a monster and right now, that's exactly what he is. But he hasn't always been this way.. Can you understand why I want my old husband back? The man I described above is the man I am still in love with.

Wow, that was hard to read.

AmImad · 03-09-2011, 01:34 AM

I am stupid, I do know what I have to do, it is so bloody hard, I am the 'nice' one, want to care and look after people. Not having contact with someone you've had contact with everyday for 15 years is so hard, but I know I have to do it. I find it so difficult to believe that he is doing this, being a control freak.. I keep trying to convince myself he does love me and care for me.. that my H wouldn't do that.. I suppose my H wouldn't... he's not my H at the moment.

I was really confused about the 180, I didn't understand how I could be someone he wants to be with, yet I have to delete everything not talk. I'm viewing everything as a way to get him back, rather than, doing things for myself, making myself stronger, the no contact should be for me, the 180 should be for me... but that's not how I was looking at it. I was thinking if I don't contact he'll forget about me, that I've given up so he's happy to move on.. Does that even make sense?

When he said he didn't miss me because he hadn't seen the 'nice' me in a long time.. that hurt me.. I know on here I seem like a whingy cow, but if you was to ask my friends to describe me, it would be more along the lines of, fun, cheeky, sarcastic, always laughing..

Why am I trying? Because I have the little stupid hope bubbles, the fact I thought he still cared.... the fact he hasn't filed for D, that he wanted to know what was going on with me... the fact he was still texting to try and get me to talk...

I guess I have no choice. If you love something set it free, if it comes back it was meant to be... but I am losing confidence after almost 5 months.

SO the plan for moving forward.. ignore texts unless it's directly about the children and important, get through this week, dress nicely (went shopping for myself and dropped another dress size woo hoo!) in a new outfit he hasn't seen, and I am going to act like I don't give a damn! I am going for my babies, I am gonna sit and text on the train make HIM wonder who I am texting..

I know I am not being consistant, one minute I am telling him I don't want to talk to him unless he's ready to make us work, the next I am asking if he misses me, coz he throws me that fecking bone... I can't do this any more.

How can he just not care? Do you think that is the case? How are we to ever get back together if he behaves like this? Should I tell him "I was thinking a lot last night, and I agree we can't ever be together, we'll be amicable for the sake of the kids, but now I agree with you, we don't work" Or should I just do NC I mean REALLY do it and stick to it....and let him wonder what the hell is going on?

AmImad · 03-09-2011, 03:14 AM

I'm sat in my car outside the hospital thinking, a dangerous past time I know. Im going to be zapped in a bit, and I do it everything single day, I feel rubbish, but I pick myself up, dust myself off & I get on with the day ahead, life doesn't stop. Now how can I live through all of this & still act like my H is the be all & end all. He walked out on me, he f*cked around on me with some sl*t over the other side of the world, who by all accounts isn't a patch on me, I should post my pic & hers... why am I pining after him? I've sat here and decided that that the only way forward is the no contact, he doesn't like me tough, he doesn't know what's going on with me tough, he currently has me hanging on every word... not any more. He needs to me intrigued, why have I suddenly given up, do I have someone else??

He needs to see the strong independent woman I've become, make him realise he's losing out on the best he's ever gonna get. He broke my heart, that comes at a price, you did it you live with the consequences. Now I knots I was told all of this & had I applied it before, we could have been together, but I didnt, I wasn't in the right place. Now its the only place. Either carry on the way I am, acting like a tit, or do a full 180, say F U, I don't need you, and the latter is my option. I'm gonna tell myself every day, I'm attractive, any man would be proud to have me, he left me because HE had issues its not ALL my fault.

It's a new dawn its a new day & I'm feeling good.

If he doesnt want 'all of thiiiis' his loss. Good luck with finding someone else to put with your Sh*t
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Babyheart · 03-09-2011, 06:23 AM

Good for you, I hope today continues to be a good one.

I'm starting to think the same way about my husband. Why do I need to keep trying to fix things when he is letting to all go so easily? He cannot accept any of the blame for how things have gone. everything is my fault. well none of us need to live that way.
we are strong independent women & we deserve so much better. Time to stop remembering who they were & start treating them like the jerks they have become.

Freak On a Leash · 03-09-2011, 06:44 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by AmImad

Should I tell him "I was thinking a lot last night, and I agree we can't ever be together, we'll be amicable for the sake of the kids, but now I agree with you, we don't work" Or should I just do NC I mean REALLY do it and stick to it....and let him wonder what the hell is going on?

NO. Stop TALKING to him. Talk is cheap and he's just blowing you off anyway. Actions speak louder than words. YOU blow him off. YOU call the shots instead of REACTING to him.

The 180 isn't about being mean to your husband. It's about taking control of YOURSELF and getting the space necessary to do so. Right now you are like a fly getting it's wings pulled off and he's just sitting there laughing as you run around all confused and perplexed. Don't you get it?

At least give it a REAL shot because what you are doing is NOT working.

Did you husband have some sort of affair? I seem to have missed something...

AmImad · 03-09-2011, 07:06 AM

Yes he did, met a woman online not even a dating website, thought he was 'in love' with her... left me.. month later he boarded a plane to Oz, 2 hours after landing he slept with her... came back saying he wanted a life with her & her 6 year old daughter, happy to see our kids once a year.... she went back to her H a week after my H came back to the UK.
He's now said he never loved her... she was a bad fit.... that he could never leave his kids, he doesn't care how it ended hes just glad it did.

He just text me & said he hadn't had any pancakes....(it was pancake day here yesterday)
Errrr why is he telling me?

Do you think he cares about me at all? That he wants to have his fun, but I'm his safety net? Although he says I'm not.... when I ignired him,took the kids away, he was trying to 'fish' info from me, but when I was nice he asks to spend time with me... but knocks me down. I can do the confusing BS any more...

Babyheart · 03-09-2011, 07:31 AM

IGNORE THAT TEXT!!! Whatever you do dont reply.

Yeah he cares about you in his warped way, but he is treating you terribly. Do not let him do it anymore. Maybe if he becomes scared he is truly losing you he will wise up.

AmImad · 03-09-2011, 08:23 AM

I really need advice please, I'm torn, I've just been informed I've got to go into hospital, to have a 3cm lump removed that they discovered this am, they want to explore at the same time, to see if its in my chest wall... ie bone & muscle, if it is I'm pretty much screwed... there is also a chance I may have to have a masectomy if anything else is discovered.

Do I tell him, I'm going in for the op? He hasn't asked how I am since Mon... this is where I need him..This is where I want his arms around me..telling me ill be ok...but I know it won't change his feelings for me...
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