Freak On a Leash

Gee..I could've written that! In fact, I think I have in other threads. It's EXACTLY the same way with my husband.

But you gotta move on. You can't stay in love and obsess over what WAS. You have to deal with what IS. He's shown you time and time what he's become and now you have to deal with that animal, not the ones in your memories, hopes and dreams.

You can't change another person. You can only change how you react to them and the situation.

If he wanted to cancel his plans and be with you this weekend then he WOULD say so. He's just yanking your chain now. He wants to get a reaction from you. Don't all bullies? He's BULLYING you.

Don't feel guilty about anything. You have the right to make demands. If he choses to ignore/disregard them than it's his call and he has to accept the consequences. Right now he's committing adultery and you don't want your kids being exposed to that, do you? He's a bad influence on the kids, isn't he?

I'm with WhereamI. Keep your communication short, brief and to the point. NO EMOTION. NO CALLS.

Do not threaten to take the kids from him but don't make it easy either. If he wants to see them then it's on him to do so. Don't worry about whether or not he sees them or not. Don't make arrangements for him. Don't offer anything but don't be spiteful and tell him he doesn't have access as it only makes YOU look bad.

I've never been a fan of using children as a weapon against one's estranged spouse. If the spouse is abusive or a danger to the kids then you go through the legal channels to protect the kids but if the spouse is an otherwise good parent then it's in everyone's interest (including the kids) to have the kids interact with both parents, assuming the kids want it that way.

With my kids...., my 16 year old daughter wants nothing to do with my husband so she doesn't have to see him. My 13 year old son wants to see my husband regularly and he does so every weekend, but it's now up to my husband to make the effort and my son can call and arrange it with his father. At 13 he's old enough to interact independently from me with his father.

I enjoy my free time and think it's win-win. But I harbor no feelings of vindictiveness and revenge against my husband. It might SOUND like I do but I take care of MYSELF now. I'm not out to hurt my husband. I just want to get on with my life and enjoy what's left of it without all this hassle and pain. I've given up on our relationship and it's ABOUT TIME. It's a RELIEF.

If your husband does stupid things like threaten to cut you off then you'll have no choice but to talk to a lawyer. Make sure you take notes of ALL the things he says and does. SAVE all your email and make records of your texts for future references. You will probably need it later. You want to stack all the ducks in a row on your side now.

You gotta start thinking like a soldier now. It's war and he's fired the first shot. It's your battle to win, for your sake and for your kids. Time to get with the program.

__________________
D DAY: Monday, April 1, 2013
And now it's your chance to move on
Change the way you've lived for so long
And find the strength you've had inside all along
'Cause life starts now

Freak On a Leash

When my husband first moved out of the house we all lived in for 20 years he'd just barge in too. He came in one day drunk as a skunk and said he had to "put our son on the bus". Then he proceeded to go out on the porch and smoke while I put him on the bus.

Then he sat and made a bunch of demands on me and tried to make feel bad with the usual verbal abuse. I just listened and said that he had a hard time letting go of the past and that I had to go to work..I also told him to be careful driving around drunk.

He seemed to take that seriously because he started acting better after that and started calling to ask if he could come over. We actually started to relate better for awhile...then things fell apart again.

I moved out shortly after he left. Got my own place and it was the BEST thing I ever did. He asked once for a key and I gave him some excuse about not having an extra key. (this is when we were still talking about living together one day). He now knows not to make such stupid requests.

He has very little interest in my apartment since I told him that he can't sit for hours outside on my porch and drink and smoke. He argued a bit with me about that and I said "It's my apartment, my neighbors think it's weird and I call the shots". So now he doesn't come here much. I consider that a good thing.

__________________
D DAY: Monday, April 1, 2013
And now it's your chance to move on
Change the way you've lived for so long
And find the strength you've had inside all along
'Cause life starts now

AmImad

I have 1500 odd texts he's sent me over the past few months saved on the phone. He knows I have him over a barrel with the kids as if I wanted to be a complete *****, I could say he was only having supervised visitation as he is unpredictable.

How the hell will there be any reconciliation? Yeah I have the tiniest bit of hope, but seriously the chances of him realising its me he wants? Slim to none..

I am trying so hard to face up to that right now.

I have just sent him a text, asking him what he wants to know about the children?

He's just replied, I would like to talk about the chance of sorting some of this out but I understand if you don't want to.

He's right I don't want to. And that is my response.

__________________
Do you want me to tell you something really subversive? Love is everything it's cracked up to be. That's why people are so cynical about it. . . . It really is worth fighting for, being brave for, risking everything for. And the trouble is, if you don't risk anything, you risk even more.

bellringer

what is he trying to sort out? if he wants to see the kids set up times, you cant keep the kids from him, its not good for the kids. if he chooses not to show up on those days then its his loss. but the kids have a right to see their dad. I never deny my son a day to see his, if were not doing anything and stbx calls and asks to take him i dont have a prob with it, i wont want my son screwed up like his father is. because his mother did that stuff to him when she divorced.



I wouldnt answer anymore of the texts, its all nonsence, worry about you and the kids. trust me going nc is the best thing i did for myself. its helped me on and not even want to take his calls.

WhereAmI

You're doing much better than in the past.

Have you let him know that all essential talk about the children will be held over texts or email? This is you letting him know about your new boundary.

If he sends you something that's not specific (like the text he sent you earlier) simply ignore it. If he wants to talk about the children he needs to get straight to the point. If he asks you to call him, ignore it. You've already set that boundary (hopefully).

No contact is a very powerful tool, but you have to know how to use it. You don't have to answer every text even if it's about the children! If you're confused about something there are plenty of people here that can point you in the right direction.

bellringer

Freak, there is noooo way he will get a key to my place, hell no. I cant wait for the first nite he picks my son up when were in the apartment because he has to be let in by me and when he rings the bell I cant wait to get on the intercom and say I will bring him right down, stbx seems to think he will still be coming in, he is sadly mistaken. I look forward to having my own place. just last nite he brought son home at 8 and stayed here, by 8:30 i told my son say good nite to daddy, you need a shower, he really didnt but i wanted stbx to leave, so i took my son upstairs and turned the shower on, and like 5 minutes later i heard the door close, so he actually stayed downstairs a bit longer. hes wacked. he is such a control freak when i do move i think it will be the braking point for him, he wont know what to do with himself. he should have tried harder to keep the gf he left me for, now he is just wondering around all lonely. not my problem.



see even today he has called a couple times, my son is in school and so he has no real reason to call, i let the answering mac pick them up, he is grasping at straws calling because the calls dont make sense, i get the newspaper delivered here, and he asked if i still want it at the apart, i said cancel it, this was last week he asked, so he said well its paid for, for the yr, he said he will call and have it delivered tot he apartment, i said fine, he wants me to call the newspaper and see if they diliver it there, i told him of course they do, but he insists i call the newspaper place, now if he is calling to have it sent there then why do i have to call there ot find out if they del it there, he can ask when he calls. see its all stupid calls.

And i signed my son up for t-ball this yr and needed his birth cert, well i couldnt find it so asked if he had it, i am sure i have it put away somewhere, it ended up i knew the guy doing the t-ball so i didnt need it, and told stbx i didnt need it, so of course he calls today and leaves another mess askingif i found it and i need ot find it its important to have it, duh. but see i didnt answer the first call about the newspaper so he tries for the birth cert.

freak did your ex do these things? I cant figure him out, he acts like he is still my husband. its bizzar behavior, everyone i talk to that has went through a divorce says it to, that their ex's dont ever do the things he does.

vivea

AmI..you're in good hands,freak and whereAmI are great support for you ,very knowledgeable of how to handle HIM. Your H. is very toxic to you right now and you should not talk to him or even listen to his voice on VM . I agree that only text or Email is the way to go.

You're saying that you're not sure about the other W. ...can I ask you how did you find out...did he confess?!

AmImad

Well we had a brief text conversation:

H: Ok, well if you do ever feel like it could you please let me know please. Could you also confirm by writing or email that you are refusing access? Thanks.

M: You're commiting adultery, you're a bad influence on my children, you have hurt them adn they don't want to see or talk to you, until they do I am not forcing them.

M: Again, just so you understand, this is their choice not mine.

H: What makes you say I am commiting adultery?

M: That would be the part where you go off and screw someone else whilst still married to me.

H: Well I would like a chance to talk to them at some point to hear it from them.

M: If and when my children decide they want to talk or see you I will let them contact and make arrangements, that's if you're not too busy to see them.

H: Ok would it be ok to write or email anyway to keep in touch? You can vet it and pass it on if you chose to.

M:Yes, you're welcome to send anything you want. I will continue to tell them that you love them.

H:Ok thank you.

M: I would like them to have a relationship with their father, But while they feel like this, I'm not forcing them, who knows maybe one day the man we all love will rear his head. Hope you have a lovely weekend and that its all worth it.

H:I hope what you're doing is right, I dont think it is but we'll just have to disagree. I would really like to see them so if at any point you change your mind can you let me know?

M: Of course it's my fault. I'm the selfish one.. I've made my point, I've told you that I wont stop them at any point and I mean it. I have no reason to lie... We don't have anything to discuss, if you want to know anything about the kids, then feel free to email or text me, you've made it very clear as to how you feel. Enjoy your new conquest (*****y I know, but a woman scorned and all that)

H: You're stopping me from seeing them. Thats your choice. Like I said can you put it in writing and let me know if you change your mind at any point.

M: No, it's their choice. Im not putting anything in writing.

H: Why not? Ok I'll put it in writing and you can confirm by return..

Me: Goodbye Liam.

And now I am sat crying.. why the f*ck is this happening? Why isn't he coming home, spending all weekend with his wife and family and celebrating his baby's birthday..

__________________
Do you want me to tell you something really subversive? Love is everything it's cracked up to be. That's why people are so cynical about it. . . . It really is worth fighting for, being brave for, risking everything for. And the trouble is, if you don't risk anything, you risk even more.

AmImad

Weeeeell he keep saying to me, you've got another man.. I just said yeah I have loads all lined up (im so sarcastic) and he said yeah he'll be a great step dad, I said well I jolly well hope so, gotta be a vast improvement on you (Angry me )

He basically kept on, and he was being very shifty about why he wouldn't cancel his night out when he could be with his kids.. then he swore on our youngest that there was no one else.. then low and behold, he admitted there is someone else.. not much has happened as yet.. didn't meet her at work, wasnt his friends friend..didn't meet her online.. wouldn't tell me anything.. then said he wasn't seeing her this weekend, just some time next week...

__________________
Do you want me to tell you something really subversive? Love is everything it's cracked up to be. That's why people are so cynical about it. . . . It really is worth fighting for, being brave for, risking everything for. And the trouble is, if you don't risk anything, you risk even more.

WhereAmI

Holy hell.

You are one difficult nut to crack. You continually do things that only hurt yourself.

Hopefully someone is able to get through to you soon.

AmImad

What? I informed him that the children don't want to see and talk to him, when they do, I will let them contact him.

I'm not stopping them from seeing him.. I have told 'we' don't have anything to discuss. I have told him email or text me if he wants to know anything about the children.

He now knows everything, there is no further need for contact.

I don't see what I have done wrong?

__________________
Do you want me to tell you something really subversive? Love is everything it's cracked up to be. That's why people are so cynical about it. . . . It really is worth fighting for, being brave for, risking everything for. And the trouble is, if you don't risk anything, you risk even more.

bellringer

I think If you stop crying in front of the kids and making your husband look bad then the kids would want to talk to him, yes he is an ass hole to you but its your divorce not the kids, he is still their father. I never bad mouth my sons father or cry in front of him. its not fair to them. you need to assure those children that they have a dad that ants to talk to them, like my lawyer said when my stbx said he was happy with seeing him 2 nights a week, you cant make someone a good father, I wouldnt take the phone calls away from them. like i said he is divorcing you not the children. so many men dont even want to be bothered with their kids and your husband wants to at least talk to them.

WhereAmI

Do you see how you just addressed me? Simple, straight to the point, no emotion. That's how you should be addressing him. When you show him emotion or bring up the relationship he knows he has some hold over you.

You're putting yourself in a difficult position in regards to the children. I think your emotions are stopping you from seeing that. If I hadn't followed your story closely and read your text exchange, I would think you were a vindictive woman keeping your children from him. If you were to go to court he could use this against you.

I think you should send him this exact email:

"I am in the process of helping the children understand that the choices you've made are not because of them. At the moment they are very hurt. Please provide me with the dates and times you would like to visit with the children. I will let you know what works for us."

WhereAmI

Please take this to heart. My husband had the WORST biological father on the planet earth. I don't believe that to be an exaggeration. She still allowed them to have contact with him, even when he was in jail (for sending the kids in the house to bring her out-so he could shoot her). They all eventually figured out what a loser he was. Let them get to that point on their own, otherwise they may end up resenting you for it.

AmImad

Please understand, I have NEVER and I mean NEVER have bad mouthed their father EVER infront of them. I have NEVER stopped them from seeing him, I tell them every single day he loves them, I let him call them and I let them call him.. HE made the decision to blow them off, and it has hurt THEM to the point they said they don't want to talk to him at the moment, and I am not going to force them!
If he calls and they don't want to talk, that's up to them, he has heard it from their own mouths. WHY didn't they want to talk to him? Because they had tried calling him over and over, they invited him to come out to the sea side with us, and he blew them off, my 8 year old was begging and I mean begging him to come and she was sobbing... guess what he picked?! I am a bloody good mum, no matter what pain, he puts me through I wouldn't do that to them!

__________________
Do you want me to tell you something really subversive? Love is everything it's cracked up to be. That's why people are so cynical about it. . . . It really is worth fighting for, being brave for, risking everything for. And the trouble is, if you don't risk anything, you risk even more.