Do you see how you just addressed me? Simple, straight to the point, no emotion. That's how you should be addressing him. When you show him emotion or bring up the relationship he knows he has some hold over you.
You're putting yourself in a difficult position in regards to the children. I think your emotions are stopping you from seeing that. If I hadn't followed your story closely and read your text exchange, I would think you were a vindictive woman keeping your children from him. If you were to go to court he could use this against you.
I think you should send him this exact email:
"I am in the process of helping the children understand that the choices you've made are not because of them. At the moment they are very hurt. Please provide me with the dates and times you would like to visit with the children. I will let you know what works for us."
I have sent this message.
He is now sending messages about what I want... as he doesn't know? Errrrrm is he ACTUALLY mental??
I have just said it really doesn't matter to you anyway.
I get "Well thanks for sharing. I'll go back to banging my head against this desk now, it seems more productive and makes a lot more sense".... ARRRRGH FFS!!!
I just said "Look I'll give you a hint, I want the exact polar opposite of what you want. I have sent you an email. Now please leave me alone"
Why is he fishing? It's not that he doesn't know I want my marriage to work.. I've only been saying it for the last 4.5 months!
__________________
Do you want me to tell you something really subversive? Love is everything it's cracked up to be. That's why people are so cynical about it. . . . It really is worth fighting for, being brave for, risking everything for. And the trouble is, if you don't risk anything, you risk even more.
Don't respond to his "fishing." He is trying to bait you.
At thi spoint, you need to treat him like you would a colleague: in a professional, courteous manner with NO emotions involved.
He DOES know you want it to work and he does not want it too. Therefore all you can do is concede and retrieve with dignity.
DO NOT discuss anything with him other than co-parenting/legal thigns.
Please understand, I have NEVER and I mean NEVER have bad mouthed their father EVER infront of them. I have NEVER stopped them from seeing him, I tell them every single day he loves them, I let him call them and I let them call him.. HE made the decision to blow them off, and it has hurt THEM to the point they said they don't want to talk to him at the moment, and I am not going to force them!
If he calls and they don't want to talk, that's up to them, he has heard it from their own mouths. WHY didn't they want to talk to him? Because they had tried calling him over and over, they invited him to come out to the sea side with us, and he blew them off, my 8 year old was begging and I mean begging him to come and she was sobbing... guess what he picked?! I am a bloody good mum, no matter what pain, he puts me through I wouldn't do that to them!
That's great. Just PLEASE send the email. You need to make yourself appear put together and rational about this. Your last conversation did exactly the opposite. You need to do damage control NOW.
Document every time that he misses a date with the children. If the children want to see him send an email. This way every time he refuses you will have documentation. He's asking for you to confirm that you've "refused access." That is LAWYER SPEAK.
He is now sending messages about what I want... as he doesn't know? Errrrrm is he ACTUALLY mental??
I have just said it really doesn't matter to you anyway.
I get "Well thanks for sharing. I'll go back to banging my head against this desk now, it seems more productive and makes a lot more sense".... ARRRRGH FFS!!!
I just said "Look I'll give you a hint, I want the exact polar opposite of what you want. I have sent you an email. Now please leave me alone"
Why is he fishing? It's not that he doesn't know I want my marriage to work.. I've only been saying it for the last 4.5 months!
STOP RESPONDING. I'm going to bang my head against the desk!
__________________
Do you want me to tell you something really subversive? Love is everything it's cracked up to be. That's why people are so cynical about it. . . . It really is worth fighting for, being brave for, risking everything for. And the trouble is, if you don't risk anything, you risk even more.
Remember how I suggested taking at least an hour to decide whether or not something should be responded to? Could you please start? You are letting your emotions control you.
If you don't know whether something requires a response, ask on TAM!
STOP RESPONDING. I'm going to bang my head against the desk!
You just confirmed for him you're still invested.
Because I am stupidly invested I still want my flaming marriage to work
The Lawyer speak isn't because he's seen a lawyer btw, it's because he is living with his sis and bil and his bil is divorced with a son and is giving him advice.
__________________
Do you want me to tell you something really subversive? Love is everything it's cracked up to be. That's why people are so cynical about it. . . . It really is worth fighting for, being brave for, risking everything for. And the trouble is, if you don't risk anything, you risk even more.
__________________
Do you want me to tell you something really subversive? Love is everything it's cracked up to be. That's why people are so cynical about it. . . . It really is worth fighting for, being brave for, risking everything for. And the trouble is, if you don't risk anything, you risk even more.
Because I am stupidly invested I still want my flaming marriage to work
The Lawyer speak isn't because he's seen a lawyer btw, it's because he is living with his sis and bil and his bil is divorced with a son and is giving him advice.
Well, he's getting good advice. Protect yourself.
Supposing NC works and you still want him back, you're going to have a lot of work to do. If you hold on to the bad habits you had in the marriage you're doomed to repeat this cycle. Have you thought about finding an IC?
Well I just don't care any more... if he's with someone there's nothing I can do is there?
Exactly. If he is, that is his decision.
No contact is something you are doing for YOU, not him. The more you reach out to hi , the more it pushes him away.He does not want to be married. Keep repeating it til it sticks. I knwo it's harsh but it's true. You are not doing yourself any favors by interrogating him on whether he's with someone or not. If he is, the last person he will admit it is to you (all cheaters lie).
Supposing NC works and you still want him back, you're going to have a lot of work to do. If you hold on to the bad habits you had in the marriage you're doomed to repeat this cycle. Have you thought about finding an IC?
I've realised my mistakes in the marriage, infact, he never told me anything, it was stuff, I came to realise by myself then told him, these things I can't readily fix unless he was to come home.
And yes I have started looking into it, I spoke to my consultant at the hospital this morning and has said there maybe someway I could combine it with the cancer consillor..
__________________
Do you want me to tell you something really subversive? Love is everything it's cracked up to be. That's why people are so cynical about it. . . . It really is worth fighting for, being brave for, risking everything for. And the trouble is, if you don't risk anything, you risk even more.
Exactly. If he is, that is his decision.
No contact is something you are doing for YOU, not him. The more you reach out to hi , the more it pushes him away.He does not want to be married. Keep repeating it til it sticks. I knwo it's harsh but it's true. You are not doing yourself any favors by interrogating him on whether he's with someone or not. If he is, the last person he will admit it is to you (all cheaters lie).
I know, he had told me that he was seeing someone, then he's kinda back pedaled I don't know what's the truth, either way it all hurts. *shrugs* I wish I could just stop and give up, and I am going to do my hardest to try, then maybe just may be when I have stopped all these f*cking games he'll realise I am serious...
__________________
Do you want me to tell you something really subversive? Love is everything it's cracked up to be. That's why people are so cynical about it. . . . It really is worth fighting for, being brave for, risking everything for. And the trouble is, if you don't risk anything, you risk even more.
I know it hurts to see your child hurt, my stbx has dissapointed our son as well, but he still needs his dad, my son knows his dads phone number and if he wants to talk to him he will just call him himself.
I know it hurts to see your child hurt, my stbx has dissapointed our son as well, but he still needs his dad, my son knows his dads phone number and if he wants to talk to him he will just call him himself.
Do you think I should let him come on our daughters birthday? It's tearing me apart, I am taking her to a safari park, so I know she's going to have a blast, but at the same time can I do a whole day with him?
EDIT
But he keeps texting me asking me things like "Do you think I've made someone up to hurt you?"
__________________
Do you want me to tell you something really subversive? Love is everything it's cracked up to be. That's why people are so cynical about it. . . . It really is worth fighting for, being brave for, risking everything for. And the trouble is, if you don't risk anything, you risk even more.
Re: Seriously.. 
I still want my flaming marriage to work 
